Author Note - and we're back guys! Thank you so much for reviewing :)
Chapter 21
Julienne had not told Bernie she was going to go and see the Carson's. All she had meant to do was have a quick walk about the village – at least when she had left the pub. She was leaving Downton soon and she had been meaning to go and see them. But suddenly… she very much was there. And In fact, it was only now she was there that she knew why she had come.
"Julienne!" said Anna with a wide smile as she let her into the house looking behind her. It was soon obvious as to who she was looking for. "Is Bernie not with you?"
"No, it is just me I am afraid."
"What a lovely surprise. I am just finishing up a bit of work, but we have been in the living room this morning - why don't you go through?"
Julienne nodded and watched Anna go. It was odd to be in the house her daughter would have grown up in. It would have been a very different life to the one she and Charles had given to her… there was no way in the world to know if it would have been worse or better for Bernie but the one thing she felt she could say for sure was it would have been different and get no argument.
It was a very domestic scene which she had walked in on.
Her daughter's two brothers were sitting with their parents. Tom was sitting in an arm chair, his mother and his father occupied the sofa, whilst William sat at their feet, allowing his mother to run her hand though his hair. No doubt after everything it was soothing for them both.
They were having a bit of a quiet time together and she found when she racked her brains she was unable to think of a family who needed it more. suddenly she doubted whether she should have come unannounced.
Years of working in the service of the public let her read through body language with ease…
After all the upheaval of late it took William a moment to even place Julienne in the chronology of all that had happened to his family of late. She was clearly way down on his list.
Thomas had a very different reaction and seemed to send his sister who had come to the down way, clearly having thought better of going to do her work, a very accusatory look as if to ask why he had let her in to begin with and she wanted to say she was not there to make trouble. That was the last thing she wanted.
She would not be the one to disturb their peace.
Then she looked at the parent themselves.
Charles looked at her with great respect. The two of them had met at the hospital and the circumstances surrounding their meeting caused him to have nothing but admiration for her.
He thought she was a woman of great dignity, the way she had come up to Yorkshire with Bernadette.
If his daughter had been brought by as lesser women then he knew she might be jealous or angry and try to stop her from coming here when it was clear that that was what Bernadette wished.
And yet it was obvious she was a woman who had great confidence and pride in the way she had brought up her child and knew a trip to Yorkshire was not going to lessen that, nor cheapen the bond between them.
It took so many of the fears he had had for his daughter away.
The two of them shared a smile.
So here it was, he thought to himself – the first time Elsie and Julienne came face to face. Shelagh's mothers.
He was glad Julienne had come – he wondered whether a bit of warning would have been for the best – but then maybe not. Elsie had had no time to stew.
But he felt sad for his wife by the way she looked at Julienne.
As if she was a school girl who had been sent to see the head mistress. She did not need to be told who this was.
It was obvious due to the fact she had so much else to focus on – and had so far not spent a lot of time with Julienne she expected that she was going to have a bit of a telling off on her hands, but Charles knew that was not going to be the case.
"Bernadette is not with me but I thought I would just drop in. I hope you don't mind," she said as Elsie shifted from Charles side.
She was not going to hide behind her husband.
"Of course we do not. Thank you for thinking of me," she said with a soft smile.
"Not at all. You must be glad to be home."
It was all very awkward and Elsie realised she did not want any of the others to be here when the two of them were meeting. This conversation felt as if it should be conducted in private.
"Why don't you come into the kitchen and I can make you a cup of tea?" she asked as she nodded to the door that Julienne had just come through from.
"Of that sounds lovely."
"I can make the tea for you mum!" said William, as he jumped up.
Elsie felt her heart melt. He was a good boy but she was not going to be coddled.
Yes she was still recovering from surgery.
But she was no invalid.
"I think I am quite capable of lifting a kettle, my love," she said, even though the truth was she wasn't sure if she was. She hadn't done it yet but then she was going to have Julienne there if she couldn't.
She was still not sure if she was in for a telling off or not, but she put a lot of faith in her husband's judgement and he had not sent Julienne packing so that had to stand for something. He was not going to allow someone to come into their house and attack her verbally at the moment – nor was she.
If she was kind and understanding then she was going to help with the tea if needed.
And if she was here to have a go then she was not going to end up drinking the tea anyway.
And it wasn't as if the tea was what was even important here.
They walked through together in silence and once more Julienne wondered if she had done the right thing when she had come here.
But she knew she had – because she did have something which she wished to say to Elsie.
And if the truth was known she had done for the longest time.
But Elsie was thinking along the wrong lines, that was for sure.
"I know you must be angry with me but please know I did not meant to bring any stress in to yours lives when I wrote that letter," Elsie said quickly, as soon as the door war shut. "I know I had no right to contact her after I gave her up but I just needed to know she was not going to end up like I have done."
Julienne's eyes softened.
"I came here to thank you for having the courage to write that letter – not to condemn you for It." she said gently.
She was not going to denounce a woman she didn't know for trying to save her daughter's life.
She was so grateful.
She watched as Elsie swallowed and then breathe in deeply. No matter what she had been expecting this was clearly not it.
"And I want to – I want to thank you for giving her up I guess. Which must sound terribly selfish as it must have been the hardest thing you have ever had to do but – but you gave me my daughter after I had longed for her for years and I can't tell you – you what a privilege it was to raise Bernadette. She is bright and she is funny and she is my best friend. I can't imagine my life without her."
It was all she could do to hope she was not coming across as gloating at that moment. She could almost see it in her eyes that Elsie was thinking that should have been her life. She should have had all of that with Bernadette and her daughter should have been raised as Shelagh.
But she had not been able too.
She had had to rely on a kindness of a stranger and she was so glad it had worked out.
"You know all the way through my pregnancy I told myself I could not keep her… so on the day I had to give her over it was not going to hurt so much but I can't claim it worked. It killed me to give her up."
She could still remember how cold she had felt at that time and how hard she had had to work to make herself disconnect from everything. Then how hard it was to reconnect to her life when her baby was gone.
The way she had told Charles time and time again that they were doing the right thing and how they couldn't marry and how she wanted to work.
And then how when she had given her up all she wanted to do was have a chance to be a mum to her baby…
"I said to my Charles I wanted to work more than I wanted to raise our baby and that was true but the older I have got the more selfish I think I sounded."
It was so strange to look back over the events of her daughter's life and finally be in possession of all the facts… to know what happen to her baby girl after she gave her up.
Maybe she had been and maybe she hadn't. She wasn't sure any more – perhaps only the young or the foolish were ever truly sure - but she had made her choice and she had had to live with that decision for the rest of her life.
"For a while after we got back I could shut it out. I went back to work and I thought yes – this is what I wanted. And maybe if Charles and I had not stayed together then it would have been easier for me to keep that mentality but we did stay together and there were moments when we both knew what the other was thinking of but we dare not speak her name." It had been too much then. "It changed after we got married and had Thomas. He became a link to the past…
"After we had him we found we could talk about our daughter but we had no idea where she was or she was safe or if we had done the right thing."
She remembered looking down at her new-born son and feeling sick because there had never been a thought in her mind doubt giving him up. He had been her baby boy from the start and the idea of handing him over to anyone else to raise had made her feel physically sick - she knew she would fight anyone who tried to take him from her tooth and nail.
But then she reflected what sort of mother was she really because she had proved she very much could give up a baby if she had too.
She had questioned if she had loved her daughter as much as her son. She had recalled how intense the moment of birth had been with Shelagh and the way she had taken her in her arms and held her even though she had said no matter what she was not going to give herself that.
And yes she had loved her as much as her brother but she had been able to give her up…
"As we had the other kids I begun to hate myself more and more and - for a while I could not even think of my poor girl… what if she was hurt and she had gone to someone who hadn't loved her as much as they should have done?
"What if Charles and I had sent her in to some kind of hell?" that was when she could not talk for even though she now knew nothing could be further from the truth, that had been the fear which had haunted her for all this time. That someone had her daughter who was going to hurt her. That her beautiful girl was going to be on her and own defensively and she was not going to be there to stop bad things happening to her – but then she looked at Julienne.
She did not know a lot of her but beyond a shadow of a doubt she was decent. She had come when she did not have to, just to say she understood – everything.
From why she had had to give her baby up to why she had had to go back in to her life uninvited when she had done.
And she had thanked her for doing the lot. That was a lot more than Elsie thought she had any right to expect.
She had not realised she was crying until she had her head on Julienne's shoulder and was sobbing.
"I should be the one thanking you. Thank you for bringing her up so well and – for teaching her right from wrong and for not condemning me to her face."
She wanted to thank her for every little act if motherhood she had ever doted upon their daughter. She wanted to thank her for keeping her baby warm and dry and for giving her clean clothes and warm food. She wanted to thank her for every day she had got up to go on the school run. She wanted to thank her for picking her up when she fell. Everyone needed a mum there to do that for them. She had needed her mum for that even when she was an adult so a little baby definitely needed it.
She wanted to thank her for teaching her right from wrong and punishing her when she needed to be told off.
For being there when she could not be.
But then she knew how she would feel if she would was thanked for doing all of that for Thomas and Anna and William.
And she knew if someone tried to do that then she was going to be furious and insulted with them because she was their mum.
And so she just did it.
But Julienne seemed to understand.
The midwife remembered the flash of anger she had felt when she had been back at home and felt terribly guilty over it. She was sure it had been nothing but a natural desire to want to protect her child but now she could see where her daughter had come from she felt she understood more.
So much more.
"It was an honour to be able to be there for you. And for her. And I knew you loved her from the start."
That had to make Bernadette one very special gir,l thought Julienne to have two mums who loved her so much.
"I did- I was selfish when I gave her up but – but that was why I knew it wasn't right for her to stay with us."
Julienne thought she was able to see that. And maybe Elsie was right – she knew much better than she did the circumstances arounds the decision she had made that she was not going to bring Bernadette up herself.
Maybe it was a selfish call she had made because she could not get her head round caring for another human for the rest of her life at that moment but she did not believe it was done through spite. She had not done it through malice or because she wished harm on her child. She had done it for every opposite reason to that. She had had enough self-knowledge to say she couldn't keep her.
And Julienne believed that made Elsie brave.
Elsie had found herself in a difficult situation and she had made a difficult call.
"I will not condemn you for it – for my own selfish reasons. If we could turn back the clock – I wouldn't."
Hand on her heart, Elsie Carson wasn't sure if say the same.
If she could back and she knew she was going to have the other kids and see what kind of father Charles was then maybe she would have made a different call.
And then may be all of their lives would have been very different it occurred to her. But they were big what ifs and they were not going to change the reality of what happened.
"Sorry -" said Elsie said as she drew back and wiped her eyes. She drew herself back.
"You have nothing to be sorry for."
That was very much along the lines of what their daughter had said when she had come to see her at the hospital.
Elsie pondered on that. Had she done the right thing and had she had anything to be sorry for?
Maybe
Wondering about that wasn't going to change anything though…. If they could go forward as a family, all of them, that was going to be for the best she believed.
None of this she knew was for her to decide. The ball had been in her court when she was young and she had decided she did not want to play it. It was up to Bernadette now. But if her turning up to the lunch was anything to go by….
She allowed herself to smile at Julienne.
"Let me put that tea on," she sighed as she shuffled over to the kettle glad she had her slippers on rather than being able to feel the cold stone tiles. "How do you take your tea?"
"Just with milk,"Julienne said as she took the hint and went to sit down at the big wooden table in the middle of the old fashioned kitchen. While Elsie was using a big electric kettle, there was an old stove type one which sat on the aga.
Julienne wondered if it was just for show or more for special occasions.
Either way she knew it was likely to weigh a lot and it was just as well Elsie was not using that one.
"Would you like any help?" she asked. The medical practitioner in her did not want her lifting even if she said she was ok too.
Julienne had a gut feeling Elsie was the type of woman who would be on her death bed telling everyone they were not to make a fuss.
"No I can do it," she said as she put two tea bags in two mugs.
"I know but you do not have to. I'd like us to be friends…"
Elsie stopped for a moment, before she turned to Julienne and smiled.
"In that case I think a little help might be nice. But we're not going to be friends – we're family already."
She took Julienne's hand and squeezed it and the two women went about making the tea, feeling a bridge had been crossed and a new page had been turned.
"Will you tell me about our girl?" Elsie asked.
"I'll tell you anything – everything. Just let's get these brewed first."
X x x
"If you want me to come back, all you have to say is the word and I am going to get straight back on the train!" said Julienne as she stood on the platform at Downton station, the following day.
Bernie smiled. "The babies of poplar need one of us to be there to bring them in to the world." Tell everyone at home I am going to be right behind you coming back," she said as the two of them squeezed each other tight. She simply was not ready yet. She needed just a few more days to spend a bit of time with Elsie now that she was awake.
"I will. And I am going to miss you until you until you do get home. But I do not want you to rush back. I can hold the fought there. Just do what you have too," Julienne said as she gave her daughter kiss.
"Have I mentioned lately that I love you mum?"
"The most wonderful thing about you my daughter is that you never have to tell me – I know you love me." She said as she looked at her. "But it's nice to hear it all the same. I love you too."
And with that Julienne got on the train. As soon as she did, Bernadette felt her heart strain a little bit.
"Oh and Bernie?"
Even though she had the confidence to be there on her own, she knew she was going to miss her more than she could say if she was honest. She had always been her best friend.
She stayed on the platform and watched as her mother pulled away from the station, heading back to the city where she had been brought up. It was not going to be so very long until she was on her way back too – but she just needed a little more time.
It was so quiet here she found – and it was so easy to think in the little quiet Yorkshire village which she did not think in London it ever was.
It was so nice to not be rushing off to the hospital every time she got up – not to work anyway. She could lie in and sleep at night and … do what she wanted with her days. In some ways she had more freedom than she had ever had before, not being tied down to school or college or shift work.
On the way back to the public house she decided to go by the shop. She wanted to get some snacks for that evening. She was going to stay in that night and watch a film on TV. The next day she was going to go and see the Carson's but that night was just going to be for herself. She had a feeling she deserved that.
A small bell tinkled as she walked in to the shop.
She wanted to get some crisps and chocolate to take back to her room.
She would then snuggle down and have a nice quiet night – that had been the plan any way….
Please review!