Chapter 25
It was strange to be back in London after the time Bernadette had spent in Yorkshire. It had been an emotional time for her – a time of immense change in her life – but it had somehow also been a fun time and one of great discovery.
The thing she had truly feared when she had got on the train was that when she had got back from this end was that she was going to be full of regret. But she was not – she was instead full of joy. Things could be a lot better, she was not going to lie. If Elsie was well… but it seemed right now they could not have it all. But they were going to get there - of that she was determined.
And at least they had one another now - she would be part of getting her through it.
One thing was for sure. She got a lot more texts these days then she had done before she had gone to Yorkshire.
She had a fair few more numbers on her phone as well.
On returning to work, there had been a fair few raised eyebrows. Her mother had come back before her and that had seemed to pave the way for more curiosity. If anything, for the others and especially the younger midwives, it seemed to just deepen the mystery of where she had disappeared to so suddenly with no warning.
Bernie got the feeling that if it was going to get them in on what had happened then they would have cheerfully been her slaves for the day. She had never been asked if she wanted so many cups of tea as she got asked these days. Patsy, Jenny and Trixie were all excitable.
Nothing had changed there.
But if there was someone who had changed it then it was Cynthia. It was clear that in the aftermath of losing the mother she was still finding it all tough. Being at the hospital, doing her job – all of it. Luckily, she had not had to wait and for the results of the autopsy. Due to the rarity of the case, the hospital was right on top of it and as they could all predict it had nothing do with Cynthia -the mother had had a hole in her heart which no one had known about.
As cruel as it was, Doctor Griffin, the head of maternity explained, no matter who had delivered the baby this was always going to be the most likely outcome. It had been too much of a strain on her heart and without the knowledge to recommend a caesarean….
The verdict did not take the trauma of it away, but Bernadette was sure it was the first step on the road to get her confidence back she thought as she headed into the break room.
She went over to the kettle and turned it on and checked her phone while eyeing up the biscuit barrel. There was one from Charles keeping her up to date with how her mother was doing after her first chemo session, and there was one from Elsie herself telling her how she was doing, asking how she, Bernadette, was, and sending her hopes she had settled at home ok once more.
Of course, Elsie made no mention of her treatment. Bernadette thought that was still down to the guilt she felt which Bernadette could only hope was going to begin to fade now as she could not bear the idea of her mother – birth mother –feeling guilty when she had nothing to feel guilty for.
There was also a text from Anna to say she was going to be in London for work soon and did she want to go for a drink when she was down and the answer to that was a resounding yes. There was a message from Tom just to see how she was and to finish up the family texts there was one from William simply asking when she was next going to go back to Yorkshire.
The only answer she had was soon and she knew it would be.
Elsie had made it clear as soon as she could she was going to be coming own too London to see her as she did not want her to be the one doing all the travelling. But Bernadette knew she was not going to be able to wait that long.
And as much as she thought it was sweet Elsie was thinking like that, she did not want her to spend all her energy travelling when it was going to be precious enough to begin with, for the next while.
And the reason for that – the reason why she did not think she was going to be able to wait too long to go - was the one who had sent her the last text from Yorkshire.
It was Patrick asking how it was to be back in a normal ward, delivering normal births. Of course, he had sent a blank text to her before he had managed to send a proper one with the message in and everything but bless him, she was learning not to expect miracles.
The truth was it was lovely to be back to her Poplar mums and babies, to be back in a buzzing ward which she was used too. Life was nothing if it was not familiar then.
But then it had been lovely to deliver the babies in the shop as well with Patrick. She was the very first to admit they had made a great team that day.
Seeing as how she was in the staff room she let down her hair and ran a hand through it, and then she had to admit to herself that she felt a little ridiculous.
She did not remember the last time she had had to admit to having a full-on crush.
She guessed it would have been a lad at school or uni but she did not think there had ever been anyone who she could have said was truly meaningful. No one who jumped to mind.
Patrick was the first one in a long time as she had been so focused on her career. Ever since she had learnt what her mother did for a living when she was a young girl she had known that was what she had wanted to do and at times she knew she had been a bit single minded about it. She had been determined she was going to make her mother and her father proud but when she had got to thinking about it on the way back to London on the train it hit her that it could not all be work. There was a lot more to life than that.
She had been about to text back when the door to the staff room opened and Cynthia came in. A less perceptive midwife would have missed the way her face fell for just a moment.
Bernadette knew she had come in here to seek a bit of solitude for five minutes but there it was, she gave a sorry smile.
"Tea?"
"Yes please!"
It had been quite a day for her already as she had weighed the Kelly baby. He might not have his mum there to feed him but he was putting on weight well it was good to see him and his dad but it had brought it all back a bit – for all of them.
Thus she was glad it was time for a break.
Neither Bernadette nor Cynthia bothered asking if the other was ok. Neither knew the whole story of what the other had been through but the both knew enough it was going to be a while before it all sunk in for either of them.
And so they talked about it easy things... What they were going to do over the summer and if they had any plans to go to any lectures in the next few weeks.
It could be called a new kind of normal for them but it was a lot easier than any other conversation they had had lately.
And then it became clear Cynthia Miller was done with easy conversation.
She had beat around the bush too in her life.
And so she looked Bernie in the eye and said.
"What has gone on with you lately?"
It was refreshing Bernadette found for someone to be so open - That they just wanted to know what had gone on and there was no pretence about it.
None of what had gone on was Cynthia's business.
She did not need to know. But she was her friend.
And more than anything else she cared.
Bernie looked her in the eye.
Ever since she had got back Jenny, Trixie and Patsy had been desperate to know what had gone on but not one of them had dared to ask her straight out as Cynthia had.
As a rule, Bernie was a private person and if one of them had just asked her like that she did not know if she would have told them.
But it was not one of them - it was Cynthia and it was break time and they both had a warm cup of tea and more than anything she found that in that moment she wanted to talk about it. She wanted to tell her everything.
So she did. She went back to the day when she should have been going shopping with her mum and aunt which had turned in to the day she had got the letter and talked it through. The letter she had written back and then the phone calls which had been the first contact she had with her biological family in well – her whole life. Then the day she had met Anna and the joy it had been filled her with to find who she knew was going to be her friend for her whole life.
Then there was the trip to Yorkshire and the fear she had felt when she had got on the train.
And the events when she had got to the hospital the everything had happened next as well as meeting Patrick – that was quite the run down…. She had had a tale to tell and when it was done it was worth it. Cynthia had a big smile on her face and that made it all worth it.
"So I take it you are going to go back to Yorkshire and see your handsome doctor sooner?"
"Honesty… he is not my doctor." She said but she was to going to lie that he was handsome. "but yes - I am going to go and see Elsie soon."
Cynthia simply gave her a knowing smile which said she knew plenty enough of what Bernadette was and was not saying.
"And what's been going on with you?" asked Bernadette.
Cynthia it turned out was less ready (or willing) to talk.
"Too much." She admitted with sad eyes.
For a moment Bernie did not know what to say until she said the only thing she could.
"Another biscuit?"
"Yes please."
X x x
Elsie was at the family PC in the living room and was just about to check her email when Charles walked in.
What was the word the kids used?
Busted.
"What you are doing, you are meant to be resting!"
"Looking at a screen for five minutes is not going to where me down!" She said as she the two of them grumbled at each other. It always ended up this way if they were both at home for too long.
They could not be together for too long before they went slightly nuts. But in a bizarre way that was why their marriage worked.
"But we both know if you do that then you are going to work!" he insisted and she paused as she tried to deny it.
Yes - she had been planning to do a bit of work. It was not long until the party now and while Cora had been wonderful and said she was not to worry about thing old habits die hard.
And it was a focus - not that she really needed it.
She had a rather lovely one. And that was her children.
"We do. Why don't you make me a cup of tea and the two of us can have a nice morning together?" he said.
She nodded. That sounded very much like a plan.
Ever since they had found out about the cancer they had always been a bit of an under tone between them but for the first time she did not think there was one. It was as if a weight had been lifted –and that for Elsie felt unreal. And it was not just the fact she had her op - it was a weight off of her shoulders. One she had been carrying for too long.
She sat on the sofa and just listened to the sound of the kettle and of her husband pottering about the kitchen – making the sounds of their home - and she knew how lucky she was. She did not think a lot of people would agree but she was and she knew it in her heart.
"The last few weeks had been quite something." She stated as he came back into the room.
"They have," he said in agreement as he sat by his side.
He had felt more in the last few weeks – experienced more emotions than he had believed possible for a man of his age to do so but that was the thing about life. He did not think it was ever going to stop surprising him.
Not now.
"That kids of ours – a midwife. I know I do not have a lot of righto be, but I am dead proud of her," he said as he put his arms about her.
She nodded. "I think – I think she would say we could be proud of her."
That was why Elsie could smile she thought to herself. Because she knew if it came down to it than that was going to be exactly what their daughter said. She was not angry – she was not holding a grudge against them.
She was kind and good and open hearted – like her sister.
"I think were going to be ok, my darling," he said with a smile as he took her hand.
Elsie nodded. She got that feeling too.
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