Prompt Ten: Candy is the Problem and the Solution
Naruto's love for ramen has been a part of him ever since the blond could remember anything. Ramen was cheap, and never tasted bad like the other icky foods that stores sold to him. Especially the milk. Moreover, the Ichirakus were the first people aside from the Hokage to ever show Naruto any kindness; so their stand wasn't just good for the ramen (thought their ramen was good), it was good for the company, too.
But what if the Ichirakus were a bit slower in welcoming Naruto as a regular? What if someone else got to him first? … What if Naruto became obsessed with a different food?
The world would be forever changed.
Not too many foreigners became a permanent part of the Hidden Leaf Village. At least, they hadn't in recent decades. People had grown accustomed to one another, and so had unintentionally developed a slight distaste for new people – especially new people setting up shops. Shops that sold delicious things such as candy. And chocolate.
People loved chocolate. But how were you supposed to trust that a foreigner wasn't trying to poison you? What if the 'civilian man' was in fact a shinobi? Civilians tended to have trust issues because of shinobi. Their own shinobi force might mean well, but let it not go without mention that the really good ones were a bunch of raving lunatics.
Hiruzen Sarutobi must have simply disguised his insanity really well. That's all there was to it.
At any rate. New civilian guy. Setting up a candy store. Goes by the name of Wonka – odd name that. Sound doesn't match the spelling, so he must've really come from a distant land. Which only made him that much more suspicious. He was definitely eccentric, and he hadn't poisoned anybody… yet.
But then, hey – a burst of inspiration hit a random civilian man. If the guy was really untrustworthy, why not let his first kill be worthwhile? Kill two shinobi with one kunai and all that. The Demon Brat gets offed, and the untrustworthy foreigner gets hauled off to T&I. Everyone's happy.
Except where it goes horribly… horribly… horribly wrong.
"Hiya, mister! Whatcha sellin'?" Little Naruto-chan asked with wide, innocent eyes as he walked up to the front counter. Wonka was the only one manning the shop, and he'd only had the place open for about a week before Naruto showed up.
"Ah, well… I sell candy. And chocolate." Wonka nodded decisively and laughed lightly at Naruto's confused expression. "Look, tell you what… I'll give you a sample for being the first customer!"
Wonka then leaned over the counter, reached behind Naruto's ear, and pulled out a tiny piece of chocolate, much to Naruto's amazement. How'd he do that?! What else was in his ears?! Still, before Naruto could get too carried away, Wonka offered the chocolate, and Naruto tentatively accepted it.
He only eyed the piece warily for a moment before unwrapping it and sticking the brown thing in his mouth. Wonka blinked in confusion when Naruto's eyes grew comically wide. Did the boy like the candy that much? Maybe he'd have a regular?
But no. Instead of a reaction with any semblance of control, Naruto wildly gesticulated and started running around in circles.
"CHOCOLATE!" The boy then ran out the still-open door, cackling madly, leaving Wonka to wonder if he'd unleashed some kind of hellion on the world.
Eh. It wouldn't be the worst thing he'd done in the many years he'd been in this business. Kids would be kids, and this blond one was kind of cute when he was hyper… Nevertheless, it was kind of weird that the kid was wired after only one tiny piece of chocolate. Did the kid have a condition? Meh, he could only hope there would be no consequences after this. All he did was give a sample. A sample!
Hiruzen shook his head sadly at the sight of the wiggling, biting little bundle of energy that his Anbu just so happened to catch before the Uchiha Police Force did. Had little Naruto-kun consumed something he shouldn't have? Some kind of mushroom, perhaps? Kami help anyone that caused this drastic change in Naruto to happen, because if Hiruzen didn't know any better, he'd say the boy had gone rabid.
"HA! HA! HA! IT MUST BE MINE!" Naruto cackled maniacally as he looked about without any sense of purpose… except for the purpose of looking for more chocolate. Man, that had been good stuff.
"Naruto-kun, what must be yours?" Hiruzen asked tiredly as the Anbu tied the blond to a chair until he calmed down. The fact that they were using professional ninja wire – guaranteed to hold people down or your money back – to do it was merely a precaution. A precaution.
"I… I GOTTA FIND IT, OLD MAN! CHOCOLATE IS GOOOOOOD!" Naruto giggled in an unhinged manner and continued to whip his head around the room, looking for any… any chocolate he could lay his eyes one. Because then… then it would be his! All his!
"Chocolate." Hiruzen flatly replied, getting an enthusiastic nod from the blond child. Well, that explained a lot of things. For the most part, it seemed like little Naruto-kun had simply inherited his father's looks and his mother's personality; but if this little episode showed anything… Naruto-kun inherited a little more from his father than just his looks.
Weaning Minato-kun off of chocolate had not been easy. Danzo had foolishly taken matters into his own hands with the thought that he would gain a fantastic new Root operative out of the deal. After the first day, Danzo had been ready to tear his hair out. The fact that he lost an eye and broke his arm after looking after Minato-kun for a week was only natural. There is a reason that Minato-kun had developed his speed so efficiently.
He wasn't the 'Yellow Flash' for nothing. Having a kid with Kushina-chan was just asking for trouble. The fact they were both gone… really made Hiruzen want to sharpen his kunai. Because Naruto was his headache now.
"Take him back to his apartment and keep him there until he calms down. Which won't be for, ooh… another seven or eight hours, probably." Hiruzen sighed as his Anbu just stared at him. Just stared.
Naruto's childhood would last an eternity at this rate.
Thankfully, mercifully, Naruto's childhood did, eventually, come to an end. With fewer casualties than initially projected, too. Considering Naruto was Minato-kun and Kushina-chan combined, it could've been much, much worse. Some things changed and somethings didn't as a result of Naruto-kun's… occasional 'episodes'.
Firstly, the Uchiha Clan didn't have to be slaughtered for planning a coup. That's because Fugaku got one look at Naruto on candy, and decided it was really for the best that they just sweep this whole 'coup d'état' fiasco under the rug. The reason for his paranoia, aside from the obvious? All Hiruzen had to do was tell Naruto that the Uchiha were hoarding all of the village's chocolate while he was in that state. That one little white lie… that would be all Hiruzen would need to bring the Uchiha to their knees. On their knees and homeless, because Naruto could be a tenacious sonuvabitch if he thought you were keeping candy from him.
Mikoto thought it was adorable. Fugaku saw Naruto for the hellion that he truly was… and Itachi… Well, it would appear that Naruto made his first step to becoming Hokage, because Itachi had officially pledged eternal loyalty to Naruto-kun for achieving the impossible – keeping the Uchiha alive and preventing all-out war. It was actually kind of creepy, because if you even looked at Naruto-kun funny, you had best sleep with one eye open for a while. Itachi was that zealous about Naruto-kun's wellbeing.
And little Sasuke-kun was none the wiser.
Hiruzen's tiny Danzo Problem was solved in much the same way. Oh, his foxy, deceitful rival tried to get the Uchiha massacred despite negotiations going well, but… well… Hiruzen might have subtly threatened to give Naruto-kun candy and tell the boy that there was a secret storehouse of candy underground (In Root's main base, of course). Danzo had dropped the Uchiha Massacre Idea all together after that little threat. And surprisingly, Hiruzen's teammates were behind him all the way.
… If only so Hiruzen wouldn't sic the boy on them.
Regardless of these itty-bitty changes, Naruto had graduated from the Academy, and now Hiruzen was waiting for Naruto-kun's Jonin Instructor at Naruto-kun's apartment. They needed to… discuss some matters. Things like Kakashi's habit of reading porn in public, being late all the time… Hiruzen would no longer tolerate any of it, and it was high time Hatake got his rear in gear. Yes, it was sad that his team got killed one by one, but it was time to move on. If Naruto-kun on chocolate wasn't enough to persuade Kakashi to see reason, well, Sarutobi had always wondered what would happen if the boy was let loose in a smaller apartment than his own; Kami knew Kakashi's place was small.
And Kakashi's precious porn collection. Oh, Kakashi would be a reasonable fellow after this little meeting… Hiruzen would see to that.
Kakashi gleefully set the timer for noon as he prepared to test the kids that Sarutobi was trying to make him teach. He wasn't going to bend over just because Naruto happened to have Minato-sensei's candy fixation. No, no, no. These brats wouldn't be any different from his last ones. Fail, fail, fail. That's all Academy students did when faced with his Bell Test.
Naruto couldn't be as bad as the stories going around about him could be. Nope. No way.
A pity that he never imagined that it wasn't Sarutobi he had to worry about, but the Uchiha brat. Itachi's little brother, who was under strict orders to treat Naruto with the proper respect… and when the situation called for it, give him candy.
Because Itachi could never bear to deprive Naruto of his favorite food.
"I have two bells. If you want to become Genin, you'll need to get one before noon, and whoever doesn't get a bell will be sent back to the Academy. Capisce?" Kakashi eyed the three Genin-hopefuls sternly. He would not be teaching a bunch of brats!
But then Sasuke raised his hand, catching Kakashi off-guard.
"Kakashi-sensei, it's okay to use the really, really, really dirty ninja tricks, right?"
Kakashi was wary of the doe eyes Sasuke was giving him, but he didn't really have a reason to refuse. They were supposed to throw everything they had into this, so…
"Yes, even the really, really, really dirty ninja tricks. Come at me with the intent to kill! Now, begin!" Kakashi declared grandiosely, expecting the three Genin to go off and hide, only for him to come and seek.
Only Sakura went off to go hide. Sasuke simply cupped his chin momentarily, then dug into his pockets, and crammed unwrapped pieces of chocolate into Naruto's greedy mouth. Naruto's eyes seemed to do this weird, gleeful, swirly trick, making Kakashi wonder if Naruto had some kind of Dojutsu… But no, they didn't seem to be doing anything…
"See that guy, Naruto? He's hiding the rest of the chocolate in his pants." Sasuke said, pointing toward Kakashi.
"… You little bastard." Kakashi deadpanned before running for his life as Naruto gave chase. Oh, he could probably knock the little gremlin out, but this was Minato-sensei's son, and he would feel bad for doing it.
Even if the brat was all sugared up.
Sasuke smirked in approval as Naruto did catch up and start pulling Hatake's pants down, much to the Hatake's dismay. Maybe if he phrased this to the Hokage correctly, they could swap Hatake for his cool older brother. They wouldn't want some flasher teaching them. Kami knew Itachi was far more worthy to be a teacher.
Little did Sasuke know that Kakashi was kinda hoping for the same thing…
"Zabuza Momochi, Demon of the Hidden Mist." Kakashi drawled like he didn't have a care in the world. "What do you want with our client?"
"I'm under contract to cut the old bastard's head off." Zabuza chuckled darkly. "Let me guess, you're under contract to make sure it stays attached, but he lied his ass off about the mission ranking."
Kakashi shrugged neutrally.
"Eh. He did, but your two little minions kind of tipped us off about the real rank… We continued since Naruto's still manageable." Kakashi then thought, 'But probably not after this…'
"Who? The twitchy brat? Kid looks harmless."
Kakashi twitched before turning to Sasuke.
"Sasuke, if you would…? There you go. Now, Naruto, the man in the cow-parachute pants standing on the giant sword has some candy he'd like to give you. But he, um… ate it." Kakashi finished off lamely. Fingers crossed that Naruto would do something more than just shake Momochi down.
Zabuza blinked owlishly at Hatake's words. Was… was he for real? All that Uchiha brat did was force-feed the human traffic cone some itty-bitty chocolates. And he expected this brat to do all the work? Meh, his funeral. Well, the brat's funeral first, then Hatake's funeral. Uchiha, Pinky, and the bridge builder last.
Zabuza hopped down from his blade the moment Naruto began to move, but… he wasn't expecting the kid to move so fast. And then like a bolt of lightning, no Chakra coating his hand at all, Naruto just… stabbed his hand through Zabuza's stomach and searched for the yummy candy within. When he didn't find his prize, Naruto just kinda… moved up Zabuza's digestive tract with his bare hands, never minding the fact that he was steadily killing Momochi, who was stunned at how unaffected the blond was with this bloody act.
And then Momochi kind of just dropped dead after a bit more searching. He was just so stunned, and Naruto was getting more frantic with every passing second. WHERE WAS THE CANDY?! Kakashi said there was CANDY!
In the next moment, Naruto was a porcupine as hundreds of Ice Needs barraged his body. But still, Naruto seemed unaffected as he searched Zabuza's corpse. There just HAD to be candy here somewhere. Poor Haku never noticed Kakashi coming as he was knocked out. Hey, say what you will, but Kekki Genkai are always welcome in the Hidden Leaf. They weren't as brazen as the Hidden Cloud or anything, but if an enemy had one, Hidden Leaf got dibs. It was as simple as that.
Sasuke and Sakura were just green at the sight of Naruto getting bloodier and bloodier in his desperate search for candy. How the hell was Kakashi-sensei so disaffected? Naruto had violently murdered some guy!
Chunin Exams rolled around, and Team Seven had a little run-in with Orochimaru in the Forest of Death. Oh, Sakura had tried to get off of Team Seven, tired of Naruto's eccentricities and his disregard for morals or human life when he was in a sugared-up state, but Sarutobi was hearing none of that. It was tradition for the lowest-ranking graduate to be on a team with the very best in the class. Never mind that was a horrible recipe for a team. No! It was tradition! Tradition was sacred!
… And this way, Sarutobi didn't get any pesky complaints from Clans that didn't want the notorious Naruto Uzumaki on their kids' teams. Fugaku had tried to complain, but Mikoto had kept him in line. Sakura's parents complained, but Sarutobi didn't give a rat's ass about upsetting a civilian family. Not while he had to keep Naruto aimed at their enemies and to keep him away from candy in the interim.
Kami knows that boy could get it when he really wanted it.
Regardless of all that, Team Seven was now in the Forest of Death. Fighting Orochimaru of the notorious Akatsuki. Normally this would be ill-advised, but Sasuke had brought chocolate for emergencies like this. Pop a few of those babies into their rabid attack fox… er… teammate, and they were ready to roll.
Orochimaru never knew what hit him. He'd been lunging for Sasuke, and in the next moment, he was on the forest floor being flailed about as Naruto shook him down for candy. Of which he had none, so Orochimaru simply regurgitated himself and got out of Naruto's death grip. He made another lunge for Sasuke. Déjà vu! He was on his back again and struggling to breathe as Naruto tried to make him throw up any candy.
Candy, candy, candy. Was that all this brat thought about?!
While Naruto never managed to kill the snake bastard (Orochimaru just kept regurgitating himself, which was gross), he did provide enough time for Anko and Itachi to get there, and the two of them together were enough to slaughter the Missing-nin. Anko felt she owed an eternal gratitude to Naruto and Itachi for allowing her the opportunity to kill her former Sensei – Naruto for holding the slippery bastard down long enough, and Itachi for letting her have the killing blow.
Yet while the Hidden Leaf was relatively happy to be rid of a longstanding traitor, there was still some… dissatisfied parties. Kabuto Yakushi because he was now forced to remain in the Hidden Leaf until an opportune moment presented itself that would allow him to escape, and Sasori of the Red Sand, who was forced to report back to the Akatsuki that Orochimaru was dead, and that he would be needing a new partner...
"Sasori-senpai… Tobi really doesn't like the look in Naruto-boy's eyes." The orange-masked Akatsuki member oh-so-subtly (not) informed his partner.
Indeed, Tobi was sitting on top of Gaara, and Naruto was shooting him a murderous, Nine-Tails-enhanced stare. But Sasori didn't seem to care. He was looking at Granny Chiyo, who he wanted to fight. Everyone else was just extra baggage that Tobi could play with.
"Just don't die, Tobi…" Sasori rasped through his Hiruko puppet, expecting this to be an easy fight. Even if that one brat had caught Orochimaru a few years back.
"DAMN IT! I NEED COMFORT FOOD!" Naruto roared, wanting the sweet morsels to take away his lucidity.
It was better than seeing Gaara's corpse and being held back from doing anything.
"Here, Naruto," Kakashi handed the blond a sleeve of assorted chocolates. Unbeknownst to the young Hatake, the orange-masked Akatsuki member's eyes were bugging out.
"HE HAS SENSEI'S CONDITION, TOO?!" Tobi yelled out in a panicked voice different from before. But then he rubbed the back of his head and appeared sheepish. "… Oops. Tobi said that out loud, didn't he?"
It was Kakashi's turn for his eyes to bug out. Even the one hidden by his hitaite.
"Tobi… To… bi… bito… OBITO?!" Kakashi exclaimed, not believing his eyes, but clearly this man had Obito's style of hair. And his taste in orange. And the one eye thing going on…
"Well fuck." Tobi said, still slightly in that kid-like voice. "You weren't supposed to find out so soon, but since you know, and I'm gonna be coming back with you guys anyway…"
Tobi took off his mask and revealed that he was, indeed, Obito Uchiha. Obito Uchiha frowning and grumbling about the unfairness of life.
"You expect us to just accept you, Akatsuki scum?" Sasuke spat, clearly unimpressed. Whoever he might've been to Kakashi-sensei at some point or another, the man still needed to die now…
Obito ran a hand through his hair and grimaced slightly.
"Tobi… I mean… I have information on all of the Akatsuki members, and I could probably do whatever the hell you want. I have Kamui, which is damn useful just so you know. All I want, is to return home and pretend I never defected…"
"But why?" Sakura asked, clearly lost.
"Because Minato-sensei's son is a terror just as much as his old man, and I really don't want to try extracting the Nine-Tails from a brat that won't stay still for a second while he's on a sugar rush…" Obito shivered apparently from some memory or another, and Kakashi seemed to nod in understanding.
Minato-sensei might've calmed down a lot by the time he took a Genin team, but there was still the occasional episode… But by all accounts, they weren't as bad as Naruto currently was with a little chocolate in his system. When Minato-sensei consumed candy, he was just overly friendly with his 'cute little minions', and tried to get them to come with him on wild adventures.
Those were the only instances outside of Kannabi Bridge that Kakashi and Obito got to bond at all as anything remote as 'friends'. Well, them and Rin, but Rin was long gone by this point. But hey, at least they could bond over the terror that Naruto Uzumaki was. Nothing quite inspires 'friendship' like clinging onto each other for dear life as an insane blond rampages around them until he either gets more candy or until the candy in his system dissipates.
Yes… as weird as it would be to have Obito back, they would need the bonds of friendship. Friendship like escaping to Obito's Kamui Dimension for a while…
"I think I've figured out why Naruto is so much more hyperactive than Minato was when he's on a sugar rush," Tsunade announced to a room filled with Hiruzen, Danzo, Homura, Koharu, Jiraiya, Kakashi, and Obito. All of them listening with rapt attention.
"What is it?" Danzo asked with a clear plea in his eyes saying Can he be cured…?
Tsunade smirked wryly as she gave the watered down explanation.
"It's the Nine-Tails. Yes, Minato's genes kind of give the kid that disposition when he's on the stuff, but it's the Nine-Tails that enhances those genes and makes the boy nigh well uncontrollable. Don't you just love the fact that you have a precious 'weapon'?" Tsunade sneered slightly. She didn't feel sorry for these old goats one bit. Well, Jiraiya maybe, and Kakashi-kun and Obito-kun, but… Kami knows it was for the old geezers that Minato made Naruto a Jinchuriki.
'Power balance between the Great Nations' indeed.
"So… So we rip the fox out of the boy and send it far away. Then we'll be free…?" Homura asked hopefully, to which he received a hollow laugh.
"Oh, Kami no. You know that you can't extract a Tailed Beast without killing the host. And even if you found a way to accomplish that, the Nine-Tails has been a part of Naruto for too long. There'd be enough Nine-Tails' Chakra linked to his genes to fuel his sugar rushes to the end of his days…"
'You brought this on yourselves.' went unsaid, but it was still there in all their thoughts.
The mood only darkened when a random Chunin (Haku, as it so happens) burst into the room, panting for breath.
"Naruto got hold of a cartload of candy and has broken through the fourth wall!"
"Dear Kami, no…" Hiruzen whispered as they raced out of the Office to pursue the crazy blond to drag him back to their dimension.
Kami knew what havoc he'd wreak in some other reality…
Author's Note: Ehhh… At some point this lost its allure to me. I mean, I really liked the concept initially. Naruto on sugar rush ends badly for everyone. But it turned out to be more or less the same thing for a bit in the middle there… So I let him really have autonomy and break the fourth wall in the end. 'Cause that's always great to poke fun at. XD
Hope you enjoyed it a little.