Prompt Eleven: Ding-Dong, the Pervert's Dead
A tick mark appeared on Tsunade's head as she held up a fist and gnashed her teeth at her despicably perverted teammate.
"Get it through your thick skull, Jiraiya..." Tsunade pulled back her fist, and then… she really let the dirty, dirty pervert have it. "I HAVE A FIANCE!"
SMACK!
Jiraiya went flying about a thousand yards and came to a stop in a grove of trees near one of the training grounds. The white-haired man groaned from the mean right hook and rubbed his sore head.
"That's my hime…" Jiraiya chuckled somewhat lecherously, which miserably died off as he sat beneath a tree morosely. "Oh, who'm I kidding? She was never 'my' hime in the first place. First there was Orochimaru – even though they never dated – and for a while now there's been Dan… I really should've learned my lesson ages ago, but it's been so hard. Hime's really grown into a real beauty."
Not really bothered that he was talking to himself – he kinda did that from time to time – Jiraiya smiled sadly and sat there for a little longer before getting up and dusting himself off. He was probably the most resilient pervert that ever lived. … No, not just a pervert… but a Super pervert.
Still, Tsunade's latest rejection had him down in the dumps. It wasn't so much that he tried asking her out; he was just perving on her as usual. He just felt somewhat better thinking of Tsunade's actions as 'rejections'… which is really strange when Jiraiya thought about it, but what can ya do?
"Hmm… I guess I'll just… head home." Jiraiya muttered and made his way back to his shabby apartment, seeing as how it was probably time for bed anyway. He was going to hit up the red light district, but Tsunade's little reminder kinda killed the mood.
Maybe he'd leave earlier than he'd planned on and set out on another journey. He was never in the village on a permanent basis anyway, seeing as how he was trying to set up a spy network. Sure, he'd just gotten back the day before, but what was the point of sticking around if all he was gonna do was sit around and mope? His Genin had already become Chunin, Sensei had a village to run, Orochimaru was frequently either out of the village on a mission or cooped up in his lab, and Tsunade…
Well. He wasn't gonna dwell on that. Jiraiya would be the supportive teammate and be there at her wedding, but everything leading up to that and afterward… ehhh. He'd be there from time to time, but sticking around here too long would probably put him in a permanent state of depression. Not because of loss… but because there wasn't really anything to come back to. They were in the middle of a war, and everyone had a job to do. Tsunade's little spot of happiness just… rubbed a little more salt in the wound…
Little did Jiraiya know that things would be changing for the better for him…
Tsunade Senju was frowning in frustration as she paced back and forth in front of a building. She'd been doing this for two hours now, for what had to be the twelfth day in a row. Oh, she'd initially been overjoyed that her dirty, despicably perverted teammate hadn't visited his favorite peeping hole for a while. She even took it as a sign that maybe he'd left on another journey at first. But then she saw him wandering around the village, and that killed her first theory. So Tsunade lied in wait at the hot springs, waiting to see if maybe Jiraiya was just visiting his peeping hole at different times or something, like when she wasn't there.
No dice. She'd even asked around with some of the regulars he's peeped on over the years, and they haven't seen or sensed him at that peeping hole in three whole months. And no one had complained about any lecherous activities going on outside the red light district, so… Tsunade was puzzling out exactly what that lecher was up to.
Tsunade outright laughed at the notion that Jiraiya turned over a new leaf. He'd give up on his perverted activities the day that she gave up on gambling. It was his thing. But no, she hadn't yet caught on to his latest masterplan. Perhaps he was just trying to get everyone to drop their guards. Perhaps he was simply… writing. He did mention the possibility of writing a porn novel, even if he technically described it in more 'elegant' terms.
Either way. Tsunade Senju didn't buy Jiraiya the Pervert's innocence for a second. He was up to something. He had to be.
She saw them about an hour later. Walking together. It was like something straight out of the Twilight Zone – the bluenette with long, flowing hair latched around his arm, them sharing some inside joke and laughing together. Tsunade stood there twitching for approximately three minutes.
"So that's his game…" Tsunade growled under her breath and proceeded to stomp over to the pair, intent on getting answers. A few minutes later, she released a shocked exclamation. "WHAAAT?!"
"Tsunade, you had to be hallucinating." Orochimaru wrote off his blonde teammate's concern without even looking away from the test tubes he was currently handling. "You know as well as I do that we each have our own unique traits. You are the beautiful gambling addict, I am the calm and collected brilliant scientist, and Jiraiya is the perverted man who cannot land a proper date to save his life… and who also happens to be a fledgling spymaster. These are indisputable facts."
Tsunade placed her hands on her hips and scowled at her raven-haired teammate.
"I'm telling you, I know what I saw. I even approached them. She is the plainest civilian you will ever see – although she does have a unique hair color – and she actually seemed to enjoy his company. They were on their way to lunch."
Orochimaru chuckled as Tsunade continued to argue her case.
"That right there makes me question your sanity even more… Jiraiya isn't interested in civilians. They just don't have the racks you kunoichi do, or an overall visually appealing body. Silly Tsunade. Hmhmhm."
Tsunade huffed and pulled out a picture. Orochimaru gave it but a single side glance and snorted. In the next moment, when he registered what he just saw, Orochimaru dropped the test tubes and their contents out of his nerveless fingers.
"I'm tellin' ya, Sensei, Yumi's the one alright. She's so patient with my eccentricities, and she doesn't even mind that I'll be out of the village so much. I mean, of course she'll miss me, but she's got a hotel to run, so there's never a boring moment, really."
Hiruzen let out a fatherly chuckle as he and Jiraiya sat atop the Hokage Monument, gazing out at the village.
"That's very nice, Jiraiya, but seriously… when are you going to get around to publishing that first Icha Icha book of yours?"
"Oh, I gave up on Project Icha Icha. Yumi says I can do all the perverted stuff I want until we're married, but… eh, it just doesn't feel right, y'know? Once you hook up with somebody, you just get this overwhelming urge to be someone you never dreamed of being. Yumi's such a sweet girl, and I'd hate to make her feel inadequate. She really is beautiful, Sensei, just… not in a busty, shapely kinda way, y'know? Civvies have their charms, too."
Hiruzen frowned and narrowed his eyes at his student. He'd so been looking forward to Project Icha Icha. You just don't hold out on a fellow man like that! Jiraiya had already done so much research!
"Be that as it may, you're traumatizing Orochimaru and making Tsunade suspicious with your new outlook, and I'd really, really like any drafts you drew up prior to your meeting this… Yumi."
Jiraiya snorted at his Sensei's claims.
"What? They're allowed to get laid anytime they want, but I hafta remain a hopeless, loveless shmuck? I don't think so." He crossed his arms and nodded decisively. "And I burned all of my drafts so I wouldn't be tempted back to my Super Pervert ways. You know how it is."
Hiruzen twitched violently.
"WHAAAT?!"
Orochimaru wandered around the village in a lost manner. He'd done his utmost best to write off what he'd personally witnessed as a hallucination, but a second, third, and twelfth time… It was real. Jiraiya had a girlfriend. A plain civvie at that. Clearly she ate well enough, but she didn't exercise like a kunoichi. That's what staring at her body would tell you.
"What does he see in her…? What does she see in him…?" Orochimaru muttered to himself unintelligibly. This simply defied the Natural Order. Certainly, her hair was a unique color – blue – and maybe she wasn't as volatile as Tsunade, but…
Wait… maybe that was it. That might just explain everything! Tsunade was clearly just as lost as he was, and she even seemed to be, dare he say it, jealous that Jiraiya's attention wasn't focused on her. That had to be it. This was all a ploy to get Tsunade to break up with Dan. Pretty low for him, but it's not like Jiraiya was happy three months ago; he seemed more down in the dumps than usual.
Nodding decisively, Orochimaru decided to confront Jiraiya about it and put an end to this charade. He'd nearly lost it there, but now he had it all worked out. Jiraiya would not be defying the Natural Order now or ever.
Needless to say, Orochimaru was back to a quivering, inconsolable wreck when Jiraiya flat out told him the relationship was genuine. It wasn't possible!
Tsunade frowned in determination as she steeled herself for the confrontation to come. She didn't like it, but it simply had to be done. From what she had heard and observed, Jiraiya had genuine feelings for this… this… civilian! After he had so callously insulted her rack (or lack thereof) when they were kids, too. Seriously. Tsunade could not accept the fact that Jiraiya had changed from an insufferable pervert into some kind of gentleman out of thin air.
From what she had observed from the many dates they shared, Tsunade even felt a little… envious of how happy they seemed to be. She didn't know why; she had Dan, didn't she? Why was she getting so worked up about what she affectionately called a 'troll', anyway? This was Jiraiya! Tsunade was engaged to Dan. She should be happy to have the little… er… now big troll off her back. Especially since she barely managed to save Dan's life from what seemed like certain death a few weeks ago.
Of course those envious feelings didn't leave, no matter how much she tried to deny them. So Jiraiya could be a gentleman when he wanted to be. Dan was a gentleman and he had bishonen good looks! That should've been a clincher.
And now here she was, about to have a very serious chat with what seemed like the sweetest civilian woman she had laid her eyes on. Tsunade promptly ignored the sense of great distrust that was welling up within her.
"Ah, Tsunade! What can I do for you? Yumi asked with a closed-eyes smile, standing behind the front desk of the hotel she worked at.
"You can start by telling me what designs you have for my teammate," Tsunade not-growled. Nope. She definitely did not growl just now.
"Designs?" Yumi blinked owlishly at the accusation. "I know you shinobi have many talents, but I'm just an hotelier. I don't do clothes designs and stuff. I'm terrible at knitting!"
Tsunade twitched ever so slightly.
"Don't play coy with me… I know you're up to something. You have plans for my formerly perverted teammate."
"N-Not really…" Yumi offered a sheepish smile. "Jiraiya-kun is sweet, but I'm not ready to tie the knot yet. And babies? Forget about it! Not until we're married."
"So, you plan to have babies, hmm? How many?"
"O-Oh… No more than three. Two would be nice." Yumi sighed dreamily, just thinking about Jiraiya and what his potential children would look like.
Tsunade narrowed her eyes further, if that was even possible.
"And I suppose you'll be taking them back to your home country after stabbing Jiraiya in the back? To raise three weapons against the Leaf?"
"Goodness!" Yumi held her hands up in shock, her mouth agape. "I don't know why you don't trust me, Miss Tsunade, but I assure you that I would never do any of that! I was born here and am a loyal citizen!"
"Suuure…" Tsunade didn't sound convinced in the least. She shook her head, and decided to just take her leave. She was causing a scene, and it wasn't like Yumi would reveal her malevolent intentions in public… or even in private, if she was a determined secret kunoichi.
But before she left, she pointed at Yumi with an index finger and then pointed at her eyes, alternating between the two as she backed out of the hotel. She looked paranoid as hell, but Tsunade knew she was right. There was no way Jiraiya would willingly give up being a Super Pervert. No. Way. He had to be seduced and hypnotized, or… or something.
Tsunade was going to figure this out.
In the end, Tsunade called off the wedding with Dan. It wasn't him, it was just her. Tsunade and her damn overprotective paranoia. But seriously, how could you expect her to trust an adult civvie with blue hair? That was a kunoichi color of hair if she ever saw one, and she should know, considering that Jiraiya trained one.
One of her wildest theories was that was Konan under a Transformation, but of course she had no proof.
Yumi and Jiraiya were kind of forced to break up after a while… mostly because Tsunade was present at, like, every date they went on, and that killed the mood. Even if she hid herself relatively well. Moreover, Jiraiya knew of Tsunade's supernatural strength, and he didn't want Yumi hurt when Tsunade would eventually jump to conclusions. You know she was doing that already. Anymore 'deductions' and Tsunade would be playing volleyball with Yumi, with the poor bluenette as a ball…
Jiraiya tried, in vain, to find other civvies like Yumi, but simply none of them could compare to how… un-Tsunade-like Yumi was. And even if he kept up his search, Tsunade would just hop on that poor woman and accuse her of being a spy, too. It was a lose-lose situation if he went that route… so he grudgingly agreed to date his blonde teammate.
He rolled his eyes when she expressed quite firmly that this was for his protection, seeing as how he was susceptible to spies and their feminine wiles. He was a damn spymaster for Kami's sake, and Tsunade was overprotective of him. Still… he couldn't deny how lucky he was to be dating her. Tsunade and her magnificent rack. Pillars of Heaven, they were.
But he still couldn't go back to being a Super Pervert, or Tsunade-hime would turn him into a pretzel. Jiraiya liked using his limbs… they were ever so good for writing and… and being a ninja…
Orochimaru was still in the throes of tearing-out-hair insanity because his teammates were going out. First Jiraiya dated a civilian, and now he was dating what was perhaps the Goddess of Kunoichi in the Leaf Village. Yeah. He'd long since given up the pursuit of learning every single Jutsu in existence; what did it matter when there wasn't Order in the universe?!
So the would've-been-pedophile ended up signing himself into an asylum after Jiraiya and Tsunade dated for about a year with no sign of 'trouble in paradise'. He felt right at home amongst the other crazies.
And finally, Hiruzen was still grumbling about brats who didn't follow through with promises… He was still very livid about not getting Sexy-Sexy times with Jiraiya's book series, you see. Biwako had never been more approving of Hiruzen's brash student and his life choices; Tsunade-chan was doing quite well at keeping him in line…
Author's Note: … Yeah, that happened. After a while I just couldn't deal with the fact I was making a Jiraiya x OC thing, even if it was just for the humor. So he wound up with overprotective!Tsunade. Now that was fun. XD