"Can't buy me love, love
Can't buy me love
I'll buy you a diamond ring my friend
If it makes you feel all right
I'll get you anything my friend
If it makes you feel all right
'Cause I don't care too much for money
For money can't buy me love"
~ The Beatles ~
Chapter 7 – Can't Buy Me Love
Oz slid into the booth after choosing a song from the old jukebox in the corner. When the Beatle's classic hit came on, he smiled ever so slightly before digging into his grilled Reuben sandwich.
"It feels like we're stuck in an episode of Happy Days." Xander shook his head in disbelief while sipping on his Oreo cookie milkshake. Oz didn't seem like the type of person who was into retro-themed diners.
"It's not about the diner, Xand." Oz replied between mouthfuls of his sandwich, "It's about this," He pointed at messy contents of his lunch, "The corned beef and sauerkraut. It's the best around, I swear."
"Right and it's got nothing to do with being superbly hungry after last night's post-Bronze activities, I'm sure." He winked conspiratorially at Oz. Everyone could see the way Willow was practically jumping on the lead guitarist after their last song was done.
Oz gave him a look that read, you'd better shut up if you want to live. And Xander happily obliged by changing the subject.
"So aside from wanting to have a manly lunch today, I, uh, kinda wanted to ask you something." He started off casually, taking a bite out of his own Texas burger topped with melted mozzarella. "Holy cow," he said between chews, "no kidding about the food! This is amazing!"
"I told you." Oz smirked at his new friend. "It's not just any crappy retro-themed diner."
"Yeah, you can say that again." He smiled, savoring the scrumptious flavors. After a minute or two, he forced himself out of his beef induced haze to focus on the mission at hand.
"Anyway, as I was saying," Xander attempted again, "I wanted to ask you something about Spike."
Oz's right eyebrow raised high up his brow. "I thought you liked Dawn? I mean, not judging here. If you like guys too, then that's okay. I didn't think that Spike was your type is all."
"What?" Xander frowned in confusion for a beat before making a disgusted face and exclaiming loudly, "Oh, c'mon! It's not…I'm not, I mean…I don't like him that way! And, seriously, even if I did like guys, which I'm not saying I do, but even if I were into dudes, I would never, ever, like Spike!"
A few curious patrons turned their heads in his direction and Xander hastily grabbed a menu and held it up to obscure his face from view.
"Oh, this is great." He groaned. "Now everyone thinks I'm bisexual."
The corners of Oz's mouth twitched upwards but while he was amused, he decided to be kind and get back to the matter at hand, "So, why do you want to know about Spike?"
Xander gradually lowered the menu back onto the table. He looked about to make sure no one was looking anymore before continuing to tell Oz everything. From what Dawn had told him, to what he'd observed of Buffy and his plan to make Spike an offer in exchange for taking Buffy out on a few dates.
When he was done with the entire explanation, Oz, who had long since finished his Reuben sandwich and coke, leaned back into his side of the booth and stared out the window.
"Was that too much information?" Xander asked quietly.
Oz shook his head, still looking out the window. He seemed to be staring off into space until he finally replied, "No, it's not TMI, it's just…" he turned back to look at Xander, with a hint of surprise in his eyes, "you really did put a lot of thought into it, huh?"
"Well, duh. It's not like I have a girlfriend who's taking up all my time." Xander shrugged.
"Hmm, fair enough," Oz remarked.
"So, what would it take to get Spike to attempt to go out with Buffy? What could we offer as the incentive for him?"
"How much are you willing to invest in this idea of yours for Dawn?" Oz questioned seriously.
"Probably my entire life savings."
The red head smiled, "Dawn means that much, huh."
"There's just something about her that I really like."
"Okay. If you're serious about this, there might be something you could offer Spike, but I'm not sure if you'd be ready to fork over your cash once you know the cost."
"Try me." Xander dared.
"I know he's been talking about this vintage 1980's black Gibson Les Paul he saw the other day, but it's priced well over a grand."
Xander balked at the value, the smile completely wiped off his face, "Right. You know what? You're absolutely correct, I can't afford it. Isn't there anything else he wants?"
"You mean, aside from this one weird, dark haired girl who talks really crazy?"
Xander scrunched his eyebrows together in bewilderment.
"Never mind." Oz sighed, "That ex-girlfriend of his is another story altogether. Back to more achievable goals, that guitar may be on his ultimate wish list, but if you could get a brand new Les Paul in black, I'm sure he'll be more than happy to take Buffy out on a date or three." Oz grinned.
"Let me guess, it's at least a grand?"
"Depends on the model but I have a friend whose father is one of the largest dealers in California. She could probably help you out and get you a really good price."
"That's fantastic!" Xander smiled, eyes alight with hope, and then added, "I hope you're really close with this person."
"We're more like acquaintances, but we've always gotten along okay," Oz said. "Let me introduce you guys and we'll see what we can do."
"Here's hoping there's an installment plan available for the damn thing."
Oz took a deep breath for what he was about to say. He usually didn't like to talk a lot, but he thought he should for the sake of his love-struck friend. "Xander, I hope you realize that once we do this, things could get very sticky for all of us. So, you'd better be sure about your feelings for Dawn. Because I don't like that this could potentially hurt my friends if things go south."
"Don't worry about it. As long as we stick to the plan, I'm sure everything will all work out fine."
"Yeah, I'm sure it will," remarked Oz wryly, trying hard not to be too skeptical of Xander's plan.
Several days later, Xander found himself waiting anxiously at one of the many picnic benches within the SSU campus. Oz had told him to wait next to the Business Studies Library while he went to get the friend that could help with a guitar.
It didn't take long before he spotted Oz coming out of the library with a girl. She had gorgeous wavy dark hair that fell past her shoulders and there was something undeniably very glamorous about her. She was stylishly clad in a sleeveless white skater dress that ended high above her knees and her expensive looking dark red pumps gave her a few extra inches in height.
Towering beside Oz, she looked like a bronzed goddess catwalking on the runway. Just your average supermodel and rock star going about their daily business. Xander watched the other students nearby who were blatantly staring at the pair as they approached him.
The girl took a seat at the table, sitting directly across from Xander. She smiled and asked, "Oz told me you're looking for a quality guitar but you don't quite have the budget for it?"
"Wow, you certainly don't beat around the bush." Xander observed.
"Xander, this is Cordelia." Oz interjected. "Cordy has a thing against being tactful, so don't take any offense."
"Tact is just not saying true stuff." She shrugged coolly.
"If you both don't mind my asking, how did the two of you meet?"
Cordelia gave a wink in Oz's direction before she answered the question, "See, I used to date Devon, their former lead singer, like, eons ago and that's how I got to know Oz and the other fellas. Needless to say, it didn't take me long to realize that Devon was just another loser douchebag. So, of course, I dumped his sorry ass, but I've made it a point to stay friends with the rest of the band."
"I see." Xander nodded. "That's quite a lovely story."
"Thank you, it is." She beamed brightly.
Oz, who had been standing by their bench the entire time, announced that he had to leave for a class. "Cor, please behave. Take it easy on Xander, okay?"
"Come now, the man's not a delicate flower. Give him some credit, will you?" She flashed a wicked smile.
Oz shook his head, "Good luck, Xander. We'll catch up later."
"Thanks a lot for all the help, Oz."
When he was gone, Cordelia turned her attention back to Xander. "Now, do we have any more personal questions, Xander? If not, let's get down to business, shall we?"
"Okay then, now that we've worked out on the model and payment plan, tell me why you're really doing this." Cordelia leaned forward and whispered, "Oz said he couldn't divulge too much about it but from what I can guess, this is about a girl?"
Xander frowned, "Why do you want to know?"
"Just color me curious and humor me, will you? I promise I won't tell anyone else."
"If I tell you, will you get your dad to give me a bigger discount?"
Cordelia rolled her eyes. "I don't know, maybe. Depends how good this story of yours is."
He nodded, deciding to give her an overview of the truth without revealing too many details or names. When he finished, Cordy smiled sweetly, "Aww, you have a thing for Dawn? I find that oddly endearing."
Xander practically shot out of his seat. "I didn't say it was Dawn!"
"Oh please honey, even without the no-dating rule, everyone knows Buffy's like the worst girl to go out with on campus. Don't get me wrong, the girl is easy on the eyes and all, but she's got some deep serious issues going on in that pretty blonde head of hers. You didn't have to say much for me to figure it out. Funny thing is that she used to be so popular. Pity, really. We were even good friends in our first year here." She sighed.
"Oh lord, I shouldn't have said anything!" Xander groaned.
"Take a chill pill, Harris. I'm not going to tell anyone about this, okay? Besides, I'm really interested to see how this all works out in the end."
"Alright, fine. And since you've got the whole story now, are you going to help me with that discount?"
Cordelia rolled her eyes again and gave him a disgusted look. For a moment, Xander thought she was about to blow him off, but she replied tersely, "Look, I'm no Mother Theresa but I'll see what I can do. After all, this is my dad's business, not mine."
"Thanks, Cordy. I appreciate the help."
"Oh, don't thank me yet. I do have one small condition." She grinned evilly.
"Which would be?"
"Whoever he is, if he actually survives three dates with her with his sanity still intact, I get to personally deliver the guitar to the lucky winner. I want to shake this guy's hand and congratulate him for being the most tolerant man in the universe."
"Geez woman, you've got to be exaggerating. You're making Buffy sound like Attila the Hun!"
"Compared to her, I'm sure Attila was a real sweetheart. This guy must either be new in town or suicidal if he's willing to take her on, because the rest of us certainly know better."
Xander gave her a disbelieving look.
She raised a perceptive eyebrow in reply, "Just don't say I didn't warn you."