When Dick thinks back to the night his parents died, everything is sharp. Unsettlingly so. The colors of costumes, tent flaps, blood are oversaturated and garish in his memory. The cracking of bones is deafening and forever cemented in his eardrums. He can remember it all in high definition.

But right now, everything is muffled.

His brain has comprehended what Barry's said, his eyes see Artemis falling to her knees and the empty space where Wally should be. But something's gone numb. His eyes sort of blur over- not with tears, or the snow, but some sort of haze he can't identify. His ears feel stuffed with cotton. His head is literally leaving his physical body and he can't seem to bring it back.

"N'w...ing...Ni'ng...Nightwing. Nightwing." There's a low voice in his ear, repeating his name. He can't turn his head towards it. "Nightwing. We need to go." A rough, webbed hand takes his own and tugs on it. Dick is dragged along lifelessly, half-aware that he's started trembling.

Strange. He wasn't cold until now.

His feet are planted on metal, his arms crossed against his chest while he shivers. He's freezing. There's no snow anymore, but he's so cold while he waits to wake up from this foggy fever dream. And he's looking around, because…because something's missing and he has a vague idea that he knows what it is. There's a hole in him. Maybe that's why he's so cold, maybe that's why it feels like when his parents died, or when Jason died-

Oh fuck.

"Wally," Dick breathes, half hoping that he's just...imagining things. Overreacting. Maybe Flash just said...just said Wally got hurt and he's being brought to the Watchtower and Dick's just freaking out or maybe Wally's just behind him and he'll hear him laughing at him for being stupid any second now-

"Nightwing, I am so sorry." Kaldur's voice isn't the rich, deep one he knows. It's the gruff police officer putting a blanket over his slim shoulders, it's Batman on the phone with tears in his voice. I am so sorry. So sorry for…

your loss.

Dick cries out like he's been struck.

"N...no. No, no, nononononono-" He can't breathe.

"Dick." Tim sounds close to tears. "Shh, c'mon."

"No," he whispers desperately up to the stars, eyes flitting around for any sign of a listener. "Not again, not him, please-"

The faces around him are pitying. It's over.

He will never see Wally West again.

Circus blood screams for him to run and jump and fly and move, but when he steps up to the edge ready to hurl himself the fuck off, hard Kryptonian hands are pulling his wrists back.

"Let me go," he sobs. "Let me go-"

"You'll die, Dick!"

"I don't care!" His shaking legs have him collapsing when they give out, Conner's grip the only thing holding him upright. He shrieks for Wally instead, all hysterics and panic until his throat feels raw and his heart is still clawing for what it's lost and his brain just aches-

Fuckfuck why why'd you leave you promised you promised me you'd stay you'd be here forever you'd never ever leave me we'd be best friends forever and-

and you never said goodbye.

Dick's feet hit sand and he's running at top speed before the ship even lands. No one calls out for him.

They were so, so little when they met, he and Wally. They used to sit in one chair together while they drank juice boxes and watched cartoons, used to fall asleep in the Batmobile on the way home from missions (playdates), Dick still in a booster seat and flopping over against Wally's head. They were kids and they fought crime and it's so messed up Dick wants to puke. Wally left and he still wasn't safe. No one's safe. Not if...not if Dick loves them.

He climbs the rubble of the mountain as far up as he can before he falls with a nasty scrape on his ankle and dust in his throat. It's way too much for him to handle right now, the place that sheltered and held him during his hardest year destroyed around him. For the first time, he cries over it, over having his comfort and safety and happy memories ripped away from him, over being left alone with nowhere to run when he's afraid of himself, over losing his home, his savior, his everything-

He's not crying about the mountain.

The one constant in his life has been green eyes softening for him and open arms every time he feels just like this, every time he's broken and sick and alone. The sheer thought of being with anyone other than his best friend after a life-shattering event is unfathomable. It was always Wally. Every time, no matter what, it was Wally, and Dick is pretty sure the only person who could comfort him about Wally's death is Wally. His entire being feels empty and horrible, like he's in withdrawal, like he doesn't know how to survive without his best friend anymore. It's too much. It's- it's the final wave hitting, the snap of the last thread he was holding onto. He's falling. Drowning. He just- can't fucking do this anymore.

"I'm sorry."

The voice carries to Dick's ears even though his face is buried in the debris. No growl. The cowl's off. He wants to be relieved Bruce is alive and here, but he can't be. He's...god, he's scared.

"Dick-" A hand touches his shoulder and he tenses away.

"D-don't. Don't touch me."

"Why not?"

He swallows, somehow feeling cold and distant even as his heart bleeds. "I don't want you to die."

"Dick-"

"Everyone I love dies." He can't breathe again. Bruce is shushing him but he doesn't want to be shushed and reassured. He doesn't want to be taken into anyone's arms and coaxed to love again. It hurts too damn much and he doesn't want to fucking hurt anymore goddammit goddammit goddammit-

"Hi, I'm Wally! ...oops! Oh no, Barry's gonna kill me- the Flash! The Flash is gonna kill me- I mean, I'm Kid Flash, hi!"

"It's not just a fist bump. It's a best bro fist bump. It means we're best bros."

"Wow, I mean- are you sure? You really trust me that much? I super duper pinkie swear with gummy worms on top I'll never tell anyone! Not ever!"

"No way, dude, I couldn't just let those jerks hurt my favorite person."

"Haha, Kid Flash and Robin win again!"

"Do you need to talk, or anything…?"

"I'll always care. You're my best bro."

"If you're going, I'm going."

"Hey, you're- you're gonna be okay, I promise, everything's gonna be okay."

"I just want to help you. It hurts me to see you like this."

"I love you. I'm not abandoning you. Please, please believe me. I love you so much."

"Breathe with me. In and out."

"I...I love you. More than anything in the world."

"Seriously? You want her to do this?"

"She better come back in one piece or so help me, Dick Grayson."

"I don't even know you anymore."

"Do you even hear yourself?! What if even one of you had been left behind? Huh? Why take that risk? Why go to such extremes?!"

"Look, I- I'm furious at you. But you're still my best friend. I'm still here for you."

Someone's cradling him in strong arms, and he can only tell it's Bruce by the heavy leather cape that's wrapped around him. Part of him wants to go back to wherever his mind went, listen to Wally's voice on repeat until the end of time. The other part needs to push Bruce away from him and run before he poisons someone else, marks someone else for death.

He's too weak to do either of those things.

"I'm sorry." It's all he can do. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so, so sorry…

"Just please come back now, alright?"

A/N: yikes. Poor baby. This took forever because it's important and I wanted to get it right.

A good chunk of those Wally quotes were from this story, Hearsay, or the show. Did ya catch them?

Two more chapters on this thing. Look out for them. Thanks for reading as always.