Shiloh discovered three things about herself over the next week. One, she had a high tolerance for trauma. Maybe it'd been due to the heroics she'd pulled off at nineteen, but she couldn't find it in her to mope and cry about her situation. Sure, her coping mechanisms were usually to run off instead of facing her problems, but she didn't have that option here. Despite Cade's worry at her calm state, she felt that she was handling everything pretty well.
Two, she really hated being cold. With enough hassling, she was able to wrestle away two extra blankets from Proctor Tegan. Even if she woke up sweating in her fabric cocoon, the very idea of shivering just once repulsed her. She'd already had a nightmare or two about her hands and feet turning black with frostbite.
And three, the protocol for Liberty Prime's patrol was to stay at least 50 feet away at all times. But for Shiloh it was 100 feet. This was partially due to the strange fascination she held with Prime. When a scribe asked her how she felt about him being rebuilt, she replied that it was weird to see an old war buddy. Shiloh wasn't sure why her own joke felt so hollow.
Ingram kept her busy by letting her move power armor pieces after they were repaired on their frames. She was boxing up a group of sensor-equipped helmets when Ingram approached her. She saw the serious look on Ingram's face and allowed the older woman to lead her away to the inner rooms of the Boston airport without a word.
They reached a hallway with a series of offices when Shiloh was led into one filled to the brim with old paperwork. The last thing she'd expected was to come upon Madison Li's small frame. Shiloh's eyes widened when Dr. Li sharply turned around.
Whatever Ingram expected, it wasn't for Dr. Li's usually stoic face to crumple as she grabbed Shiloh into a strong hug. Shiloh was surprised how the smaller woman nearly suffocated her. They hadn't exactly liked each other, especially as Dr. Li's relationship with the Brotherhood deteriorated, but her father had loved her, so Shiloh hugged her back.
It was strange to be hugging your dead father's closest friend while your dead best friend's partner watched. Nine years, Shiloh's head swam. When Dr. Li released her, Ingram cleared her throat, "I thought you should see each other again before Dr. Li made her way back to the Citadel."
Dr. Li's discomfort made the sour relationship between the two women clear, "Thank you, Proctor Ingram. I'd like to talk to the Paladin alone now." With a nod, Ingram left, her power armor's clanking drifting down the hall. Dr. Li waited until the noise was gone before grabbing Shiloh's hand, "You need to get away from them."
Shiloh blinked stupidly at her, "Why?"
"Why? Look at that monster outside, look what they made me create," Dr. Li's face was dark with anger, "you don't belong with these people."
Swallowing thickly, Shiloh gripped the scientist's hands, "What did- what did you think they were going to do with him? He throws mini nukes like footballs, Dr. Li…" She'd already been briefed by Ingram over how the Brotherhood took down the Institute, and Dr. Li's role in the whole thing. If you asked her, Shiloh would have blasted the Institute sky-high. They sounded a bastardization of science. They sounded like Vault-Tec. They sounded like the Enclave. Geniuses who wanted to play God. If Ingram's intel was correct, many of the Institute's scientists had been Vault-Tec and Enclave. And Dr. Li had left to join them after she disappeared. "How did you leave the Brotherhood?"
Dr. Li frowned at Shiloh's line of questioning, "I requested leave from Elder Lyons."
Shiloh blinked at her stupidly for the second time, "She let you leave?"
"Yes, I put in my request as soon as my work with Prime was done. Elder Lyons only agreed after I lost James and then you. I was really fortunate, because Elder Maxson took over just a couple of years later."
"From what I've seen, I'm guessing he never would have let you leave."
Dr. Li narrowed her eyes in thought. She clearly had no fear of the Brotherhood's wrath, "Maxson would have me punished for even asking."
Shiloh knew she should ask for a perspective on Maxson's Brotherhood while she had it, "Is he cruel?"
"Cruel would be simpler than what he is." Dr. Li scoffed, "He's calculating. He knows how to coerce me into getting what he wants, regardless of my feelings on the matter. I don't fear that boy. He sent some vault dweller with sweet words and a big heart and I believed her like an idiot. No matter, I'm going to be locked up in some Brotherhood lab until I'm too old to use a microscope, but at least I'll be away from that monster I gave him."
She didn't flinch from Dr. Li's cold words, knowing her too well, "When are you leaving?"
"Tonight unless they want to squeeze something else out of me. I stopped by to find some paperwork in here but," she gestured to the packed room, "as you can see it's useless."
The two women parted with few words. Dr. Li had her things packed and ready as she boarded with vertibird back to the Capital Wasteland. The journey would be long for her, but Shiloh hoped she would find some happiness back home. Knowing Dr. Li's personality, that was unlikely. But she still hoped, it's what her father would have wanted.
Proctor Ingram approached Shiloh as she watched the vertibird disappear on the horizon. "You alright?"
Shiloh didn't answer her. "Thank you. For letting me see her before she left."
"She's angry with us and probably couldn't wait to get away from Prime. But I think it meant a lot to her."
"Maybe. She gave me a lot to think about."
Ingram looked exasperated. "If she tried to tell you we're the bad guys-"
"Did you send a vault dweller to lie to her?"
"Ugh, of course she said that," Ingram glanced over to make sure the patrolling knights weren't listening in on them, "look, we didn't lie to her. The woman we sent simply told her that we needed her more than some shady Institute scumbags did. Dr. Li didn't like the secrecy and she made her choice. Elder Maxson's been nothing but honest with her."
"I need to be alone," she turned immediately away. If Ingram wanted to stop her, she didn't say anything. Shiloh was glad she let her leave. Screw being polite and screw protocol. She needed to think.
-0-
100 feet. She made sure of it. Liberty Prime was currently marching down the shoreline in his search for Red Chinese soldiers as Shiloh watched from a distance. Prime's large body was silhouetted by the sun setting over the ocean. Bloatflies buzzed in the distance, lurching over the corpses of dead mirelurks. The beauty of the wasteland.
The information Dr. Li gave her disturbed her more than she'd admit out loud. Sure, the older woman had been angry. But even if she wasn't lied to, even if she was disgusted with the Brotherhood, Dr. Li wasn't a liar. Whatever feelings she held towards the Brotherhood and Maxson came from somewhere honest.
She was in no position to confront Arthur. Elder Maxson. Arthur was a boy she knew. Elder Maxson was who he was now and even in private thoughts she should address him as such. She was stupid to hope that he would keep the same Brotherhood. He was literally bred to change the Eastern chapter into an arm of the Western chapter. Whatever Brotherhood Owyn Lyons had brought her into was dead. Sarah Lyons's Brotherhood had taken upon itself a new degree of ruthlessness. Who knew what Maxson made it into.
She suddenly regretted that she would be joining the Star Paladins tomorrow morning. For a fleeting moment she considered leaving and trying to survive on her own. She'd done it before, fresh out of a vault. But the Commonwealth proved itself a whole new kind of monster with stronger and more capable factions. From what she was told by other knights around the airport, there were things out there that would chew her to bits, power armored or otherwise. She placed a certain amount of luck on how she survived for so long on her own. Clearly her luck had run out.
Shiloh jumped when a tentative hand touched her shoulder. She turned to see Scribe Haylen. She looked tired, probably just returning from the Cambridge Police Station she spent a good portion of her time at. The young woman smiled, "100 feet, ma'am. You sure know how to push protocol. Would you care to join me and Knight Rhys for dinner?"
Dinner wasn't much on the Prydwen. It was supposedly self-service, but Shiloh suspected there was some kind of invisible rule as to how much to take. She sipped slowly from a can of purified water, not interested in any of the food Rhys and Haylen were digging into across the table from her. Rhys looked like an experienced soldier, but she'd never heard of him before, so he was either younger than he looked or he was from the west. She'd asked him as much.
"I joined up a little later in life. Spent most of my life guarding a settlement in the Capital Wasteland. Not really a glamorous life, wanted something different. I joined after the settlement was destroyed by super mutants." He poked around at his food, "Gave them ten times back what they gave me."
Haylen must be used to his brooding nature, because it didn't dampen her high spirits. "I just celebrated my fourth year with the Brotherhood. Joined up as soon as I was old enough. So much information." Shiloh wondered if Haylen swooned over Rhys as much as she swooned over old documents.
"So, you two are in a unit together?"
Haylen suddenly looked uncomfortable. "Recon Squad Gladius."
Rhys gripped his fork tight enough for Shiloh to notice, "We don't have a commander right now. So we've been tagging along different squads."
Shiloh's eyes darted between them, "I see." The discomfort was deafening, but Shiloh had enough tact not to push. Especially when the one about to blow was the one who'd saved her life. She stood to throw away her can, not missing the meaningful look Proctor Tegan gave her.
-0-
She found the Proctor later back in his cage. He was polishing the counter of his shop, a laser pistol half-modified next to him. The slur in his voice gave away that he'd been hitting the liquor again. It wasn't something she was surprised by, having known him since he was a field scribe at the Citadel.
"I'm gonna tell you what everyone else on this damn ship is too afraid to say. Their commander was Danse."
Oh. She hadn't thought Danse the type to leave the Citadel. He loved training the new recruits too much. He had loved training Maxson too. Tegan ignored her shock, "He's the reason we're in this godforsaken Commonwealth. Found some radio signal indicating a high level of technology. You could say he's the reason we were able to destroy the Institute in the first place. Ironic, because it turned out he was one of their synth pets."
"He was what?" she said a little too loudly, her face paling at the information overload.
"Yeah, kid," Tegan squeezed the bridge of his nose, "he was a synth. Probably didn't even know it, poor bastard. Elder Maxson put him down himself. Intel says it was a good kill. He went peacefully, knew Maxson was granting him a mercy."
"I- I," Shiloh felt like her tongue was tied. Of all the people, Danse was a synth. Danse.
"Didn't think you guys were close," Tegan looked like he began to regret his bluntness.
Shiloh ignored him, beelining for her quarters immediately.
-0-
She'd been sitting against the door in her room for hours, ignoring Cade when he tried to stop by. She was sure Tegan told him about what happened. She didn't want to talk about it.
What she did want was to leave this fucking airship.
Later, as soon as the sun began to rise, Shiloh snuck onto a vertibird, avoiding any of the Proctors and especially avoiding Haylen and Rhys. She met up with the Star Paladins as they formed a group near the barricades. The plan had been to save a vertibird and head to the hospital on foot. If any of the Star Paladins had something to say as to why she wasn't wearing power armor, they were polite enough not to express their thoughts.
Truth was, she had tried to wear a power armor frame and felt well and truly uncomfortable. Power armor wasn't for everybody, Ingram had assured her. She'd worn the T-45 years before, but found even back then that it slowed her down. Her combat armor would suit her just fine. Her survival skills were the key in her joining them anyways. That and her medical knowledge. Feeling more scribe than paladin, she trailed behind the soldiers as they headed towards the super mutant hive. The bloatflies were louder during dawn, but were dispatched easily by her Brotherhood-issued .10 mm. The others didn't bother wasting ammo on them.
It was quiet on the journey. Shiloh almost wished they were friendlier. Less business. They reminded her too much of Danse. Danse, who was put down like a dog. She'd been put in the position to save a synth's life before. A synth just like Danse in Rivet City. She chose to save him.
Then again she wasn't the Elder of the Brotherhood and Harkness wasn't a threat to her entire organization.
Still, the whole situation clouded her thoughts. Danse had been the greatest soldier under Sarah Lyons's command. Sarah admired him greatly and appointed him to guide young Maxson for a reason. Shiloh hadn't considered how Arthur...Maxson...felt personally about killing him.
If it had been her-
The Star Paladin next to her began shooting without much fanfare and she was snapped into survival mode.
"A noise?!" one super mutant guarding the perimeter yelled stupidly. Yes, gunfire, a very loud noise. Shiloh attempted to quiet the Star Paladin when the others joined in, alerting the whole nest of them immediately.
So stealth wasn't her strong suit. But usually she'd give herself some time to survey the area she was infiltrating first. These guys either really meant business or were just over eager to kill some super mutants. Knowing what she did so far about Maxson's Brotherhood, she supposed it might be the latter.
Hours later, the base was clear, their packs were full, and Shiloh was nursing a Star Paladin who'd climbed out of his power armor with a bruised chest from a sledgehammer hit. "Doesn't look like any internal bleeding, but Cade will know for sure. How do you feel?" Shiloh pushed the sweaty locks of hair from her face.
The Star Paladin scratched his beard, "I feel like I could kiss Ingram for her work on this armor."
"She wouldn't much like that," Shiloh quipped, watching as the other two Star Paladins poked through the super mutant corpses. One examined a weapon, dropping it in disgust when he realized it was made from some kind of trachea.
Once the injured one was patched up, they gathered their spoils and made the trek back to the Prydwen. Still floating in the sky, they had a clear view of it on their way. The whole journey would be done before the day's end.
-0-
Maxson praised them for a job well done. She had to admit, it felt good to be on a positive note with him. He expressed admiration at their swift takedown of the super mutant nest. But there was a touch of relaxation in his voice, like he expected no different. Maybe not from her, but the Star Paladins with her certainly had done their jobs well before.
For a brief, panic-filled moment, she thought he might promote her. He seemed to be heading for some major revelation, but it never came. As the Star Paladin in charge of their little group briefed him on the specifics of the mission, Shiloh stood further back and stared at him.
Did you lie to Dr. Li? She wanted her stare to speak for her. Did you inspire the bloodlust in these soldiers? Did you kill Danse? Did he really want it? Did you?
Questions she wouldn't ask him. Questions she wanted and didn't want the answers to. He paid her little heed. She moved to leave with the rest of them when Maxson called her to stay behind. "Paladin Carver, do you have something to tell me?"
So he'd noticed her staring. Of course he did.
"No, sir. I'm just glad you allowed me to go with them."
"You may stay behind and rest, if you wish."
"I do not wish, sir," she held his stare, even when his brows furrowed.
"Of course. Feel free to join them when they go next." She didn't reply, merely nodding, desperate to leave. He was practically staring a hole into her and she didn't like it. If he asked, she couldn't tell him her thoughts, she couldn't- "Dismissed, Paladin."
"Thank you, sir," she saluted, practically running from the command deck. She found herself later in the rec room, staring at her food like it would start moving. Haylen was chatting to her about something, trying to fill the silence. It wasn't working, but Shiloh appreciated her trying.
"You know," Haylen began gently, "you can talk to me if you want. I know you don't know me very well, but just know you have someone other than Proctor Ingram and Knight-Captain Cade to talk to."
Shiloh nodded with a watery smile, feeling pathetic. Because she couldn't talk to Haylen about this. Not when the problem included Danse. She didn't know how much Haylen knew and wasn't willing to bring up the death of her commanding officer.
She wanted someone to talk to, but it wasn't Haylen. She wanted Sarah.
Finishing her food as not to waste it, Shiloh headed to her room in silence, feeling more like a stranger to everyone than she had when she first woke up. She wasn't in a Lyons Brotherhood. She was in a Maxson Brotherhood. And she didn't know her place in it anymore.