I don't like you, but I love you
Seems that I'm always thinkin' of you
Oh woah, woah
You treat me badly, I love you madly
You really got a hold on me
(You really got a hold on me)
You really got a hold on me
(You really got a hold on me)

Baby, I don't want you, but I need you
Don't wanna kiss you, but I need to
Oh woah, woah
You do me wrong now, my love is strong now
You've really got a hold on me

~ Smokey Robinson & The Miracles as sung by She & Him ~

Chapter 21 – You Really Got a Hold on Me

It was close to eleven in the morning but Buffy was in no mood to start the day. The gods must be laughing. She thought bitterly as she lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. A single tear fell as she listened to the song coming faintly from Dawn's room. Hastily, she wiped it away and buried herself under the comforter.

Over a week had passed but that hollow feeling in the pit of her stomach only grew worse as the days went by. She hated that she couldn't stop the hurt and she'd barely slept since she saw what had happened at the parking lot of Avon on the night of the ball. When she did wake from her fitful slumbers, the memory of that night flooded her brain again, reliving the dreadful scenes on a vicious cycle. It was as though someone strapped her to a chair and forced her to watch a bad horror movie stuck on replay.

"Part of the agreement…to present the prize...survive going out with Buffy…"

No, this can't be happening. Not again! She stood frozen to the spot, crouched behind one of the cars nearby. She couldn't exactly hear what Cordy had said but she caught enough of it to guess that they were talking about some sort of bet or game that involved using her as a pawn.

And then the worse part of it came when Spike smirked and replied, "Sweetheart, like I said earlier, it really wasn't that difficult."

She couldn't bear to watch any more of it. Hot tears stung her eyes as she ran in the opposite direction. She raced down toward the empty street, pulling her skirt up as she broke into a manic sprint, hair flying behind her as the echo of her stiletto heels clicked against the pavement.

"Buffy!" Someone shouted some distance behind her, "Stop!"

She recognized the voice and tried to run faster. Her feet started to hurt like hell, but she'd rather they bleed than stop to face him.

She could hear the footsteps gaining on her and nearly smashed into him as he suddenly swung in front of her, arms catching her as they tumbled over each other.

They both stood up in an instant and he held her firmly at arm's length, refusing to let her go as she thrashed against him.

"Let go of me!" She screamed.

"Buffy, please just listen to me!" Spike pleaded, trying his best to get her to look at him as she struggled against him like a wildcat. "Give me a chance to expl-"

"You bastard! How could you do that to me? You're more of a monster than Parker ever was!"

"Whatever it is you thought you saw, I swear it wasn't like that!"

Panting from exhaustion, she stopped fighting. She was staring at him fiercely, but made no move to flee. Seconds passed, and when he was sure that she wouldn't try to run off, Spike eased the grip on her arms.

"Pet, I would never do anything to hurt you. You know that."

"Then what the hell was that back there? You just wanted to have sex with me so you could win some stupid prize? Or was this a way for you to show your friends just how good you are at making any girl fall for you?"

"I swear to you, what just happened, it had nothing to do with…"

More hot tears started to stream down her face as she cut him off, "Or maybe you just want to prove to them that I am an easy lay after all."

"Damn it, Buffy, it's not like that at all. Luv, you…You're the only one that I care about."

"Then what was that back there? Explain to me why in the world Cordelia would give you a guitar and then go on to congratulate you for surviving the ordeal of going out with me?"

She watched him visibly wince when she mentioned the congratulation. "I know it looks bad but if you'd let me, why don't we go back to my apartment so I can explain the entire situation to you."

Staring at him incredulously, she said, "I think that whole scene was pretty self-explanatory, so if you can't give me a straight answer right here and now, then I don't want to hear it. And you know what the worst thing about seeing that is? Hearing you tell her that it really wasn't that difficult!"

Spike rolled his eyes and growled, "I meant that loving you wasn't difficult for me at all… because you're a bloody amazing girl! Everything that I've done since we started dating is because I was falling in love with you."

As wonderful as that sounded, she knew that she couldn't trust him for now, even if she wanted to. So this is what it's like to have your heart shatter into a million pieces. Buffy laughed bitterly and shook her head. "I can't believe I ever allowed myself to have feelings for you," she said, voice cracking with emotion.

"Please, Buffy, you know that I do love you with every fiber of my bloody being. Just give me a soddin' chance to clarify everythin'. Please, you have to understand and believe that I was doin' it for us!"

She felt her chest literally ache with pain as she yanked her arms out of his grip. Slowly walking backwards, her eyes never left his as she replied, "Don't, William. Just…don't."

Dawn and Buffy sat side by side on the steps of the porch at the back of their house, with the younger Summers resting her head against her big sister's shoulder.

"You know, I never thanked you for going to the Ball so I could attend it with Xander."

Buffy gave a small smile as she stroked her sister's hair, "It was nothing, Dawnie. I'm just glad you had fun."

Dawn pulled away to look at her sister. Buffy was usually good at giving others the poker face, but this time, she could clearly see the pain etched in her sister's eyes and it was a heartbreaking sight, knowing that there was little she could do to help ease her sister's misery.

"Buffy, I think I should tell you something."

"About?"

"Promise you won't get mad or upset with me if I tell you?"

"Hmm, that depends."

"Uh uh, that's not good enough."

"You know you're being unfair. How am I supposed to know whether or not I'll be upset?"

Dawn shook her head, "Sorry big sis, life is unfair and for the sake of my own self-preservation, I won't tell if you're going to get all rage-y on me."

Buffy sighed, "Alright, fine, I won't."

"You promise?"

"Yeah, yeah."

"Pinky swear on it?"

Buffy narrowed her eyes at her sister and warned, "Don't push it, Dawn. Now quit stalling and spit it out already."

"Well, you see, I was involved in helping Spike…" She scrutinized her sister for potential signs of rage before cautiously continuing, "But mostly just giving advice and umm, creating a few opportunities for the two of you to get to know each other."

"What!"

In a flash, Dawn slid to the other side of the step, well away from her sister, "Remember, you promised not to get upset!"

Buffy looked away, trying to recall when such a thing might have happened. Her eyes wandered from her own ankle boots, then over to her sister's sneakers.

"The sprained ankle incident," she whispered.

"Buffy, if you think about it, why would he go through all that trouble of getting to know you first if he didn't genuinely like you?"

"So he could win my trust?" Buffy scoffed, "Hey, whose side are you on anyway?"

"Yours, of course! But do you remember the night of Cordy's house party when you got way beyond drunk? You said nothing happened between the two of you even when you were at his apartment and he was even sweet enough to make you toast, right? Think about it."

"It was a grilled cheese sandwich and would you stop that, Dawn? You don't know what you're talking about."

"Yes I do. I may be young, but I'm pretty sure I know love when I see it. I mean, believe me, based on the numerous times I've spent with the guy, it's pretty obvious that he has a huge thing for you. And sure, he may have done some knuckleheaded things along the way to majorly piss you off, but that doesn't mean he isn't crazy about you."

She looked at her younger sister wordlessly, unable to find the right reply to that.

"And whatever you decide to do from here," Dawn added, "I just hope you choose the one that makes you happy."

Buffy found herself chuckling and pulling her sister in for a tight embrace, "Despite being a huge pain in the butt, you're also a pretty awesome little sister, ya know?"

Dawn hugged her back, "Yeah, I may be annoying, but I also come with readily available sagely advice."

Just then, Joyce appeared at the doorway, "Girls?"

Both sisters pulled away and turned back to look at their mother.

"Dawn, Xander's arrived for your date. Shall I ask him to come back here and join you both or would you prefer he wait out in the front?"

Dawn got up from the porch step, dusting the dirt off her jeans, "He can wait out front…Just tell him I'll be out in a few minutes, thanks Mom."

"Sure, pumpkin."

When Joyce was gone, Buffy stood up as well, "I'm surprised how she's so Zen about Xander taking you out on a date."

"She's only cool about it because he knows very well what would happen if any of her rules got broken."

With a raised eyebrow, she replied knowingly, "She gave him the great balls of fire speech, huh."

Dawn giggled, "Yeaaaah, his would definitely be set ablaze if we miss curfew tonight."

"Gosh, that would be so much fun to watch."

"Probably, but it would be much more fun if you could join us."

She shook her head before pushing her sister back into the house, "Dawn, I'm not a third wheel, but thanks for thinking of me."

"But we're going to meet Oz and Willow later, so there's nothing third wheel about it."

"Oh gosh, that's much worse. I'll be a fifth wheel!"

"But..."

"Dawn, I'll be okay, promise. Just have a good time and be home before curfew okay?"

The younger sister frowned in disapproval at her sister's decision, but nodded in reluctant agreement, knowing there was little that could lift her spirits for now.

When Dawn and Xander left for their date, Joyce went back to the kitchen, finding her eldest pouring herself a mug of coffee. She had been waiting for a chance to speak to her alone.

"So it looks like the dance went quite well for Dawn. She and Xander seem to be spending a lot more time with each other since then."

Buffy, who had only been half listening, looked up from her mug, "Oh yeah, it went totally super for Dawnie. You should've seen her beat the crap out of this jerk."

"She did what?" Joyce cried aloud.

"Yup, looks like I rubbed off on her just a bit, huh?" Buffy smiled proudly as she went out to the living room, taking a seat on the couch.

Joyce followed her daughter's lead, taking the seat beside her. She groaned and buried her head in her hands, "How did I raise both my daughters to end up as hoodlums?"

Buffy laughed, "Relax Mom, the guy totally deserved it for, uh…outraging her modesty."

"So that was in self-defense?"

If thinking that would help her mother sleep better at night, then that was all she needed to know about the incident. She shrugged and replied casually, "Yeah, of course it was. What did you think? That we go around beating people up for the fun of it?"

Seeing the stricken look on her mother's face, Buffy quickly clarified, "Kidding, mom, I'm only kidding!"

"Uh huh, sure you are."

"Mom, I promise I'm just joshing on you. You know we love you, right?"

Joyce studied her eldest daughter for a moment, pushing the stray strands of hair away from her eyes. "Buffy, can I discuss something with you?"

"Uh oh, you're giving me the serious no-nonsense face. Did I allegedly do something wrong again? I guarantee you, whatever it is that they're saying, I had nothing to do with it."

"I did some thinking about that Study Abroad program you applied for."

"Oh."

In the past twelve days since getting her heart broken and wallowing deep in the pain thereafter, Buffy had almost entirely forgotten about the whole thing.

"I did some of my own research on the SSU's website to find out more, and now that I understand what you could gain from this whole experience, I think you did the right thing."

"Mom, I've told you before, you don't have to…" Buffy blinked as the words sunk in, "Wait, you think I did what again?"

Joyce chuckled, "Yes, honey, I completely support your decision. Even though as a mother, I'll always dread that if anything should happen, I wouldn't be able to help you from so many miles away, and the idea of not..."

"But bad things could happen anywhere at any time, and you know I would never intentionally put myself at risk…"

She placed her hand over her daughter's to prevent her from interrupting further, "Buffy, as I was saying, the idea of not being able to be there for you terrifies me, but then I also know that I can't protect you forever. And as much as you'll always be my baby, you're already a strong and independent woman who's capable of taking care of herself and making decisions about what's best for you on your own."

Buffy couldn't resist a small smile, "Awww, thanks Mom."

"Now, just wait here a minute."

She watched her mother run upstairs and then back down, this time returning with a little box wrapped in baby blue paper, topped with a decorative red rosette bow taped in the center. Joyce handed the gift to her as she sat back in her seat.

"Uh, as much as I like getting presents, is this because you forgot my date of birth?"

"No, silly, of course I didn't. But nonetheless, this is for you."

Unconvinced, Buffy eyed the present suspiciously.

"Go on," her mother persuaded. "Open it, honey."

"Well okay then, if you're insisting on it."

She eagerly tore the wrapper and opened the box to find a pocket sized English to Italian dictionary.

"Oh, look at how tiny this is! It's so darn cute!"

"You like it?"

She beamed as she flipped through the first few pages. "Like it? Mom, this adorably sized dictionary's awesome…I love it!"

"Now I know you haven't been accepted into the program yet, but I thought this would be a nice way to motivate you."

Buffy leaped over the couch to give her mother a gentle squeeze, "Thank you so much!"

"I'm happy you like it, honey."

"But hold it just a sec." She drew back, looking at her mother in puzzlement, "I never told you that I applied for the university in Venice. How did you know that?"

"I asked Spike." Joyce smiled, "I think it was after your third date, he gave me his number just in case I ever needed to reach either of you."

"He did?"

"Yes, and I thought that was really considerate of him. Did he not tell you about this?"

Buffy shook her head.

"Hmm, anyway, I called him up yesterday and we had a brief chat about your program. He's also very supportive of your participation and I must say he's a very nice young man despite looking like one of those delinquent punk rockers who make horribly offensive music."

"Actually that description isn't so far from the truth."

"Oh Buffy, don't be so mean!" The older Summers tsked, "Aren't you always telling me that we shouldn't judge a book by its cover?"

Buffy pretending to be in deep thought, squinted her eyes and feigned ignorance, "When did I ever say that?"

"Well either way, I'm actually very glad that you two are dating. If he keeps this up, I'm sure he'll make a wonderful son-in-law someday. I don't doubt that he'll make a lovely addition to our family."

"Mom!"

"What?"

"Since when did you turn into one of those mothers who couldn't wait to marry off their own daughters?"

"Since I've seen the way he looks at you and how he speaks of you. I think he just might be a keeper, sweetheart."

Buffy couldn't bring herself to tell her mother what had happened, so instead she simply replied, "I hope so too, Mom."

Chapter summary:

Poor Buffy, let's hope things sort themselves out though...As always, your comments are appreciated. :)