Its late when I turn onto my street and the sun has long since set behind the skyline of Seattle. The clouds decided to open fully on my walk home and my raincoat did nothing to to repel the torrential downpour that accompanied me home. I am soaked to the bone and the gentle breeze that would be pleasant and welcome on a summers day is now like a thousand sharp knives stabbing my skin. My teeth are chattering as I walk into the building and I want nothing more than to get out of these wet clothes and jump straight into a nice hot shower. I locate my keys in my pocket and unsuccessfully try to unlock the door. My fingers are so numb that I end up dropping the keys, as I bend down to pick them up my apartment door opens by itself. I snap upright, gripping my keys as best as I can ready to use than as a weapon when I come face to face with Christian standing in my doorway.
"Wh-wh-wha.." I try to ask him what the hell he's doing in my apartment but my body is shaking so much that I can't get the words out.
"Ana you're soaked." Christian says stating the obvious as he pulls me into my apartment by my shoulders. "My god you're freezing, where have you been?" he asks as he starts to remove my coat. I want to stop him, to tell him to leave but my body is shaking so violently that I am powerless to do anything.
"I-I wa-w-walked." I eventually manage to spit out. I watch as his face falls as he tries to make sense of what I've just said.
"From my building?" He asks and all I can do is nod.
"Ana are you insane, you walked all that way. It's freezing out there. Anything could have happened to you." He says staring at me with a furious look on his face, it soon softens as he takes in my trembling form. I'm trying my hardest to stop my body from shaking but now my backs beginning to ache from the force of the shakes. Christian grabs my hand and starts dragging me toward the bath room.
"W-what." I start to ask him what he's doing when he interrupts me.
"Just come with me, you need to get warmed up before you freeze to death." He drags me through my bedroom to the bathroom and turns on the shower, he places his hand under the stream of water as he checks the temperature. He then turns on me and before I can even protest he picks me up and places me under the warm torrent of water, still fully clothed. The warm water feels so good that I don't even notice that Christians climbed in with me. He presses his body against mine and closes his arms around me. I squirm slightly and try to turn and look at him but he just holds me tighter.
"I need to get your body temperature up Ana, I don't want you to go into shock. Please just let me do this for you." He says the last part with such pleading in his voice that I feel awful, so against my better judgement I let him, knowing this will only make things harder. After what seems like a lifetime my body starts to relax and the tremors that shook my body subside. Christian remains standing behind me, his chest pressed against my back with his arms held around my middle and what I suspect is his cheek pressed against the top of my head. Eventually he makes a move and climbs out off the bathtub. He grabs a towel from the towel rack and wipes himself down.
"You need to take your clothes off and get into something dry. I'll go make you something warm to eat." Before I can tell him that he won't find any food in my kitchen he's out the door. I proceed to strip out of my sodden clothes placing them at the far end of the tub before standing under the shower for a few more minutes. I wash my hair and body before finally shutting off the shower and wrapping my body in the biggest towel I own. I wrap my hair in a slightly smaller one and make my way into the bedroom. There's no sight of Christian but I can hear him banging around in the kitchen and for once I'm embarrassed by how little I actually own. I root through my drawers and dig out my comfiest sweats and tank top as well as an oversized hoodie and get myself dressed. I run a comb through my hair and use the blow dryer on it. I walk over to my bedroom door and pause with my hand on the door handle. I have no idea what I'm suppose to do next, I have no idea what to say to Christian. I take a deep breath and open the door, deciding to just see what happens.
I find Christian seated in the living room, he's removing the lids off some soup containers that are on the the coffee table. I notice that he's also changed his clothes, he's no longer wearing his drenched suit but is now sporting a pair of dark wash jeans and a white T-shirt. I begin to wonder how long I was actually stood in the shower when he some how answers my unasked question.
"Taylor." He says gesturing to the food.
"Oh" I say in acknowledgement, not knowing what to say, I've never felt so out of place in my own home, even after all this time he still knows how to intimidate me.
"I got him to get us some soup as well, you didn't seem to have much in your kitchen." He says and I look at the floor, embarrassed. I rarely have cupboards full anymore but at the moment the only thing that you'll find in my cupboards are a box of one cup tea bags. I expect him to have start giving me a telling off for not looking after myself, but he seems to think better of it and bites his tongue.
"Would it be ok if I joined you? I was hoping we could eat and talk." He asks and I'm about to tell him that I really don't feel like talking when he interrupts me before my mouth is even fully open. "Or we could just eat. You don't have to tell me anything now, it just, I'd really like to have dinner with you. Please." And for a second he sounds just like a lost little boy, so unsure about himself that I feel a little sorry for him. I don't really know what to say so I just nod my head. He seems to visibly relax at this and takes a seat on the far side of the sofa and grabs his soup and begins to eat. I walk to the other side of the coffee table and kneel on the carpet in front of the table. The soup smells divine, I'm not even sure what flavour it is but the smell alone is enough to set my stomach rumbling. I'm sure Christian must hear it because he nods his head to the food.
"Please help yourself, I'd like you to be warm from the inside as well," he says with a half smile though his eyes say something different, he can tell how much weight I've lost but doesn't want to force me to eat, I can see the sadness and pity in his eyes. I pick the soup and a spoon off the table and begin to tuck in. The soup is so good that I want nothing more than to shovel it as fast as I possibly can into my mouth, but since you it's been a few days since I last ate anything I know I'd end up throwing it up. Christian clears his throat slightly so I look up at him.
"It's erm, a nice place you have here." Christian says, I let out a small giggle at his obvious attempt to make small talk.
"Christian this place is a dump" I say with a roll of my eyes. I follow his eyes as they take in my apartment, it certainly looks a lot better now than it did when I moved in. All the furnishings were left in by the previous owner and I've added little bits to it in the three and half months I've lived here. Small bits here and there like the throw to hide the hideous green sofa with the unknown stains that I'd really rather remain unknown, and the curtains and matching cushions. I haven't had enough money to refurnish the place so I've made do with what was here, it certainly looks a lot more homely now. I can feel Christians eyes boring into the side of my head and I look back at him and meet his gaze, his eyes are burning with questions and I'm not sure I'm ready to hear what he wants to ask.
"Why does your landlady have a different name listed for you?" Christian asks. Of all the things I thought he was going to ask me this wasn't very high up in the list. I shrug my shoulders and busy myself with taking a sip of my soup hoping to avoid answering the question.
"Did you use a fake name to sign the lease?" He questions further and I nod my head. "Why?"
"I just thought it was safer to remain unknown around here. It's not the nicest neighbourhood." As I finished saying that a crease appeared between Christians brows.
"Why are you living here then?" He asks. I really don't know how to answer that question, obviously I know why I live here, it's cheap, but if I tell Christian I have money troubles he'll want to help.
"If you need money Ana it's yours. All you have to do is ask." He says as though he's heard every word of my inner turmoil.
"I don't want your money Christian, I've been doing fine by myself." I say knowing it's only a half truth. I was starting to get myself back on track before yesterday.
"Really because if I hadn't have got involved yesterday your boss wouldn't have even paid you for your last shift."
"That was none of your business, how did you even know all that anyway? How in the hell did you find out where I work or live for that matter?" I say with slight annoyance in my voice. I'm intrigued to find out the answer because if he's known where I've lived all along why only now has he chose to get involved.
"After we ran into each other on the street I sent Wylds of in the direction you'd took off running."
"Who…"
"New security." He answers before I even get to finish my question. " Wylds spent all day walking the streets in hopes of seeing you again. He'd actually given up and was ready to head back. It was pure luck that he happened to call in your coffee shop for a drink. He said he'd tried to stop you as you left but you ran out so fast. Then apparently your boss came out shouting a few choice words after you." I smirk and look down at my soup as he says this. I'm sure Marty had a lot to say about me after I left. "Wylds left the shop not to long after you and followed you back to this building. He then got in touch with me and let me know what had happened."
"So then you took it upon yourself to head to my work and bully my boss into overpaying me and then you saw fit to come to my home and meddle in my affairs." I say sharply not even bothering to keep the tone of annoyance out of my voice.
"It wasn't quite like that." Christian replies in clipped tone.
"Well what was it like because from where I'm standing it looks like you deliberately got involved when you promised you wouldn't." Christian looks at me like he's thinking very carefully about what he's going to say next.
"I didn't meddle, not intentionally anyway. I went to your place of work early this morning to see if you were working. Your boss was the only person there and when I asked about you, well let's just say I didn't like what he had to say about you and neither did Taylor. I may have been a bit threatening when I asked for any wages owed to you." I raise one of my eyebrows at that last statement. I suspect a little threatening means different things to us. Christian lets out a little laugh when he sees my expression and the sound is heavenly. "I just wanted you to get what you were owed from that pitiful excuse for a man." Christian says as the playfulness fades from his eyes. "Wylds then drove us over here, where he'd seen you go into after you ran from the coffee shop. I wasn't even sure this was where you lived but it was the only thing I had to go on. I spoke with the landlady to see if she knew you, surprisingly she didn't know an Anastasia Steele but she did know someone who looked liked Ana. She wouldn't tell me which apartment was yours but she did mutter something about you not living there for much longer if you didn't pay your rent." I gulp quite loudly at this. I knew I was behind on my rent but I didn't think I was so close to being evicted. Though Pamela did state that she ran a no nonsense tenancy agreement. She told me to either pay up or get out when it came to the rent. "Ana please tell me what is going on. Why are you living like this? Are you running from someone? Are you in some kind of trouble?" I can only shake my head at his barrage of questions. "Ana I can help you, you just have to tell me what's going on." Christian pleads. I stand up and grab my empty soup container and make my way into the kitchen. I hear Christian stand up from the sofa but I don't look back at him, I try to use this time to think about what I'm going to say. Telling him the truth would probably be the easiest thing to do but where would I go from there. Things can't go back to how they use to be, too much has changed. So I settle on the lie I've been telling for months, to myself and to everyone around me.
"Christian nothing is wrong and I'm not running from anyone." I say with a half laugh trying to convince him that it sounds ridiculous. I was never a very good liar so I keep my back to him and busy myself with washing my spoon trying to avoid eye contact. "I just needed to get away from it all, if you'd known where I lived you would have interfered just like you are now."
"But why run so far so fast Ana? You never even gave me chance. You never even explained why you left. I know things were.." He pauses as he tries to think of the right thing to say. "difficult between us before you left but I thought we'd be able to work through them. Was it what I said about the baby that caused you to run." And the spoon that I'd been absentmindedly rewashing over and over clatters into the sink as I suck in a lungful of air and hold onto it to stop myself from crying out. The baby, for the first time in a long time I remember our baby and the fact that I haven't thought about him in so long makes me feel disgusted but what makes me feel worse is that Christian has no idea what happened. I whip round to look at him and the look on my face must say it all because his face crumples. "Oh Ana." And within three strides he's in front of me pulling me into his arms and engulfing me in big hug. I'm too numb to do anything other than let him hold me as I break down and cry over the life that never was.
"I'm so sorry." I say in between sobs "I lost our baby" Christian squeezes me little bit tighter as I say this. I pull my self out of his arms and proceed to wipe my nose on the sleeve of my hoodie. "God that sounds so stupid." I say more to myself. "Like I just went and misplaced something so precious"
"It doesn't sound stupid. Not at all." Christian says as he hands me a handkerchief that he pulled out of his pocket. I look up to thank him and see he has tears in his eyes as well.
"I thought you didn't want the baby." I say before I can stop myself. He's already been through so much, I don't know why I feel the need to make him feel like shit.
"After the appalling way I behaved after you told me about the pregnancy I don't blame you for thinking like that. I only said I wasn't ready to be a father, hell I don't think I'll ever be ready. But don't think for one second that that means I don't want to be or that I didn't want you and our baby." He runs his hands through his hair before making his way back into the living room where he proceeds to sit on the sofa with his head in his hands. I decide to let him have a moment or two after all I've had months to grieve and come to terms with the fact that there will be no baby but this is all new to Christian and I've no idea how he'll react. I only know things would be a thousand times worse if he knew the reason I had miscarried.
After standing, twiddling my thumbs in the kitchen for what seems like an eternity I follow Christian into the living room. He still has his head in his hands and I can't tell whether he's crying or not.
"I'm sorry Christian." I say, the words cut through the silence even though I say it as barely a whisper.
"You can't blame yourself Ana." He says without looking up.
"But I do. There are so many things I could have done differently and I wish I had." The first thing I wish I had never done was gone and got my own lunch that fateful day. It may not have changed anything, she probably still would have found a way but there will always be that what if hanging over my head.
"Ana look at me." I do as he says and lift my gaze from the floor and meet his painfully beautiful eyes that are glistening with unshed tears. "Don't you dare think that this was your fault. You had no control over it anymore than I did. These things happen and there's nothing anyone can do about it. Okay?" He says with finality.
"Okay." I answer with a nod of my head.
His phone vibrates on the table and he reaches over and silences it without even picking it up from the table.
"That'll be Kate for the thousandth time today." My heart pangs at the mention of my best friends name. I've missed her so much but she really scared me today, I've seen her unleash the Kavanagh inner bitch plenty of times before but the I've never been on the receiving end before and let me tell you it's not pretty. "She hasn't stopped ringing since Elliot dragged her out of my office."
"What does she want?" I stupidly ask. Of course I know what she wants but I ask anyway.
"I have no idea, she probably wants to know where you're living these days. But after the way she acted at my office I don't think it's safe to let her know." I internally cringe as I remember the sound of the slap echoing of the walls and I subconsciously raise my hand to rub my cheek. "I am sorry about that back at my office, I had no idea she was there. I had just had lunch with Elliot and he happened to see you walking through the main entrance as he was waiting for Kate to pick him. He then made the mistake of telling Kate that he'd seen you. She shouldn't have hit you, that was way out of line."
"No, no it wasn't, I deserved it and so much more. She was right I should have let her know I was okay but I didn't. She has every right to be pissed." His phone vibrates on the table again and this time he picks it up. He lets out a sigh and stands up whilst sliding his phone in his pocket.
"Is everything ok?" I ask as his face looks defeated.
"Yes it's just, I have to go."
"Oh." Is all I can say. I knew he'd have to leave at some point but its been so easy to forget that the last year ever happened and now I really don't want him to leave.
"I have a meeting in New York and if I don't fly out now I'll be late." He says as though he has to justify leaving to me. He steps around the coffee table and takes a few steps towards me. My breath catches at his close proximity to me. He raises his hand and very gently strokes my cheek with the back of his hand.
"Promise me you'll be here when I get back. Promise me you won't run. I'd really like to see you again when I get back. Please." He pleads with me and I swear you can physically hear my heart breaking.
"I promise." I whisper in response. He grins down at me before leaning down and kissing the top of my forehead. It's such a sweet chaste kiss yet it sends deep shivers straight down my spine. He turns and makes his way to the door but pauses with his hand on the latch.
"Good night Anastasia." He says without looking at me.
"Good night Christian." I respond and with that he's gone, the sound of the door clicking shut echoes in the wake of his exit. I walk over to the door and lock all the latches before turning round and bracing myself on the back of the door. I reach up and lightly touch the spot on my forehead where Christian had just kissed. I find myself smiling as I wonder how the hell I got myself into this and just what the hell am I suppose to do now.