It's been three days since I agreed to stay at Christian's and it has been the longest three days of my life. Don't get me wrong I am very grateful for everything Christian is doing for me but I've felt like I haven't been able to breathe since I arrived here, Christian has made sure I've wanted for nothing and has hovered over me like I'm fine china about to shatter into a million pieces. Upon arriving at Escala I instantly started to regret saying yes to staying here, the apartment had remained unchanged in the time that I was away, it was almost like no time had passed and I was just arriving back home from a day at work. I felt uneasy walking around the apartment that I had once called home. I received a very warm welcome from Gail who at first couldn't believe I was here. After she gotten over her initial shock she she told how happy she was that I was back before kissing me on the cheek. I wanted to tell her that I wasn't back, that this was only temporary but when she pulled back to look at me she had tears in her eyes and I couldn't find it in me to tell her.
"Is there anything I can get for you Ana, something to eat or a drink?" She had asked while wiping at her face.
"No thanks, we ate at the hospital." I let her know. I looked over to Christian as I could no longer look at Gail with her hopeful stare. "In fact I'm feeling really tired, could I go lie down please." I had just needed to get out of there, it was starting to become a bit much and I felt like I was suffocating on the onslaught of feelings that were being thrown at me. I had offered to take the spare bedroom, previously known as the sub room, but Christian would not allow it. He insisted I stay in the main bedroom, our old bedroom, so I didn't have to bother with the stairs, and that he would take the spare room. I found myself too exhausted to argue with him and allowed him to help me into bed before drifting off into a deep, dreamless sleep.
The days that followed were equally as stifling as that first day. Christian hasn't left the apartment since we came back from the hospital, instead he spends most of his time in his office. I haven't been allowed to lift a finger since I arrived here, Gail always seems to conveniently be in the area whenever I need anything that I'm convinced she's lurking around corners waiting for me to move. It's why I find myself sat in the living room this afternoon ready to tear my hair out. I decide that maybe a walk and a lot of fresh air will help me calm down and stop me from climbing the walls. I stand up from the sofa and go to make my way into the bedroom to grab a coat when Gail appears in the doorway.
"Everything ok Ana? Can I get you anything?" She asks and I know she's probably only doing what Christian's asked of her but I can't help but feel irritated that she is everywhere.
"No, I'm fine thanks." I reply before walking past her and heading in the direction of the bedroom. I walk into the bedroom and head over to the closet, I was shocked when I first came in here as I expected all of my stuff to have been thrown out but everything is as I left the last time I was in here. I'm starting to wonder whether Christian has actually been in here since I left. I grab a coat that buttons up so I can put it on with one hand and make my way out of the bedroom, I head to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water to take with me, I had then intended on popping into Christian's office to let him know where I'm going but as I start making my way down the hall, Christian appears at the other end looking frantic. He stops abruptly when he sees me and he looks me up and down.
"You're leaving?" He asks, his voice sounding strained.
"Yes, no, I mean," I look at him and instantly know what he's thinking, he must of thought I was going to run, leave him without saying anything. I can only guess that Gail let him know I'd put my coat on ready to go somewhere. "I'm just going to go for a walk, I feel like a caged animal in here, I need to get out for a bit." I rush out hoping to ease some of the tension I can see in his face. His shoulders instantly sag at my words and he takes a couple of steps towards me.
"Oh, well why don't I come with you. I could do with a break anyway and a walk sounds good." He says with a smile.
"Erm, sure I guess, if you want to I mean." I tell him, we have hardly seen each other in the three days I've been here despite living in the same apartment, he spends most of his time in his office, coming out to join me for meals which is filled with the most awkward small talk I've ever been subjected to, I'm not surprised he returns to his office as quick as he can, I'd run off too if I had somewhere to run to.
"Of course I'll come, just let me grab my coat and we'll be off." He turns and walks back towards his office and I make my way back to the kitchen to wait for him.
Christian joins me a few minutes later wearing his coat and closely followed by Taylor. "You ready?" He asks me and I nod in reply and jump down from the stool. We take the elevator down to the ground floor and walk through the main lobby. I have never walked through here before, we've always arrived by car and taken the elevator from the garage straight up to the penthouse. I have a quick look around as we walk towards the exit, the lobby consists of stark white walls and black and white marble floors, there's a black marble main desk and and an extravagant looking curved staircase with a wrought iron hand rail that leads up to the second floor. I see signs offering information on which floor different amenities can be located on, I'm shocked to see that there is a restaurant and bar located in the building as well as a private theatre, a gym and spa. I start to realise I knew very little about the place I called home. As we leave through the main door the chilly Seattle air bites at my cheeks, the beginning of Autumn has started to make its self known, the leaves on the trees are starting to turn a light orange colour and a few loose leaves blow around our feet, the temperature has also taken a slight dip and I tug my coat closer around me as best as I can whilst wearing the sling. "Are you going to be okay in that coat, it's a lot colder than I thought it was going to be, we can go back up and get a different coat for you? Maybe a scarf and some gloves?" I shake my head at his requests.
"No, I'm okay, plus we're out now, if I get too cold we'll come straight back I promise." I turn left out the doors and set off down 4th Avenue. The streets are busy and I quickly tire of having to dodge out of the way of people to stop them knocking my shoulder. After walking for a bit we come to small seating area in front of the Westlake shopping centre, it has a few fountains and benches so I make my way over to one of the empty benches and take a seat. Christian takes a seat beside me, sitting on my right side very close.
"Are you warm enough." He asks and I turn round to look at him, the cool air has caused his cheeks to flush with colour.
"Yes I'm fine." I say with a smile. I turn to look back towards the fountains, there are a few people sitting on the edges of them eating lunch. "This is nice." I say looking round the gathering area before looking over at Christian, he nods in approval. "I just had to get out for a bit, not that your apartment isn't lovely, it's just I could only take so much of Gail being under my feet. I've been so use to doing everything on my own that this is a lot to adjust to." Christian doesn't look at me but he nods his head to acknowledge that he's listening. We sit there for a few more minutes, watching the city of Seattle go by before Christian speaks.
"Where did you go that day?" He asks and I turn to look at him, I don't need him to elaborate to know which day he's talking about. He's looking at me with a crease between his eyebrows and I start to wonder how long this question has been on the tip of his tongue.
"I.." I start to talk but stop myself, I turn to look away from him to think about what to say. I want to tell him what happened but I don't think I'm ready just yet, I've done such a good job of suppressing any feelings or emotions to do with what happened that I'm scared about what will happen once I start to open up about them. "I'm not ready to talk about that yet." He goes to say something but I cut him off quickly. "I will tell you, about everything, but I just need time, please, can you do that for me, just give me a little time?" I ask of him. I turn to face him and see him watching me a intently, he takes a deep breath before reaching out and grabbing hold of my hand.
"Of course I can, in the meantime I just want you to know that you can tell me anything, I'm here for you Ana." He says it with so much meaning that I have no choice to believe that he means it. I nod at him and he gives my hand a squeeze. "Have you had anything to eat yet?" He asks me and I shake my head. "Good because I'm starving, would you like to grab lunch with me, I'm sure there's somewhere not too far from here."
"Sure, why not." I say and we both stand up, he looks up and down 4th Avenue before carrying on walking the way we were before we sat down. I notice that Christian still has hold of my hand and I find myself thinking about the first time we had coffee and how he held my hand to the coffee shop, it still sends shivers up my spine now. I don't pull my hand away but instead find myself tightening my fingers around his. We walk for a bit before coming to a stop in front of a small deli, there's some tables set outside and it doesn't look too busy inside, we go in and take a seat at one of the small tables at the back of the deli. After a brief look at the menu I order a spicy chicken panini and a tea, now that we've come into somewhere warm I'm only just realising how cold it is outside, I'm hoping that the spicy chicken will warm me up.
After we've finished eating and the table has been cleared I sit there sipping my tea, Christian has a small coffee in front of him that he hasn't touched, he just has his hands wrapped round it as though it's warming his fingers. I look round the deli to find it's mostly empty now that the lunchtime rush is over, there's only one other table sat by the window but on closer inspection I realise that it's just Taylor sat with a coffee and reading a paper. I look back at Christian with a smile on my face. "I looked for you after you left you know." My face instantly falls.
"Christian." I go to remind him that I'm not ready to talk about this but he cuts me off.
"I know you said you weren't ready to talk about it but that doesn't mean that I can't talk" he says without looking up from his coffee. I glance around the deli before looking back over at Christian.
"Is now really the best time?" I ask but he acts like he doesn't even hear me.
"Sawyer rang to tell me that you'd gone missing on your dinner hour, we looked everywhere but it was liked you'd disappeared from the face of the earth. I contacted everyone in the days that followed, your mum, your dad, I even contacted José but no one had heard from you." He frowns into his coffee as he continues speaking. "You didn't take anything with you, no clothes, money, even your bag was still on your work desk. I honestly believed you'd been taken yet there was no proof of that. Hannah told us that you might have ran to the deli to pick up your lunch and the cctv confirmed her story, only you never even made it to the deli as your order was never picked up. Somewhere between work and the deli you managed to disappear. I was ready to do an appeal for any information about your whereabouts when a letter arrived in the mail. There was no return address and I instantly thought ransom note." I suddenly feel sick and as selfish as I seem I don't want to hear anymore.
"Christian please." I plead and a lump forms in my throat. Again he continues like he hasn't heard me.
"The note was definitely your handwriting but it wasn't like anything you'd say, reading it was like reading a foreign language, it just wasn't you." I try to stop myself from thinking but my mind takes over and even though it was over a year ago that I wrote that note I can still still remember every word I was forced to write down. I'm hit with more and more memories, memories I had buried deep a long time ago and I suddenly find it very hard to breathe. I look up at Christian and I can see his lips moving as though he's still talking but I can't hear a word he's saying, there's a loud ringing in my ears and everything just feels like it's too much.
"Christian stop!" I shout out whilst standing up so fast that my chair falls back and hits the floor. His head snaps up to look at me and he looks panicked. "I'm sorry." I say quietly. "I can't, I can't." I can't seem to get out the words I want to say, I feel like the walls are closing in on me and I find it hard to catch my breath. I turn round and make my way out of the deli, I just need to get a lungful of air to know that I can breathe. I turn right and brace myself on a wall just outside the deli. Christian comes running out but stops when he sees me, I didn't think he would be too far behind me. He walks towards me but stops a couple of steps in front of me. "I told you I wasn't ready." I say to him before he can say anything. "Why would you do that to me?" My voice is getting higher and the I'm struggling to catch my breath as I fight against the tears that are brewing. "I can't.. I'm not ready.. It's just too much." I gasp out and the tears start rolling down my face. Christian closes the gap between us and pulls me gently into his embrace, I press my face into his chest and try to stop the sobs that are wracking my body.
"I'm sorry Ana, I'm so sorry." Christian says into my hair. "I won't do that again." He says and I pull back to look at him, he looks so troubled and the crease between his brows seems to be a permanent fixture on his face recently.
"No Christian, you should be able to talk about it, of course you should. I can't even begin to imagine what you went through but maybe, it's just, a little warning next time would be helpful. Okay?" I ask and he nods at me. "And maybe in a more private setting." I say as an afterthought. He nods but he doesn't look like he's really taking in what I'm saying, it looks like he's just waiting for me to finish so he can start speaking.
"Can I just ask one question? One question and that's it I won't say anymore about it till you're ready."
"No." I answer him and his face falls. "No because it won't just be one question, if I answer honestly you're going to want to know more, you're going to want to know reasons behind my answer and I'm not ready to give you that, not yet anyway."
"I promise one question, I won't push you for anymore than you're willing to tell. Please Ana, just this one thing."
"Fine." I spit out. "One question, but if you push me for more I will walk away and I won't speak to you again for the rest of the week." I threaten him. He smiles and takes a deep breath and I ready myself for the question he's about to throw at me. I tell myself I'll be totally honest with my answer no matter what he asks.
"Did you write that letter?" He looks into my eyes and feels like he's staring into my soul, I don't think I could lie to him even if I wanted to, he intimidates me so much.
"Yes."I say whilst maintaining eye contact, his face falls and he looks down to the floor. It's not a lie, I did write the letter. "But you already knew that, you told me so in there." I angle my head over to the deli. "I think you're asking the wrong question Christian." I say and he looks at me.
"Okay, let me rephrase." He says and I wait for him to word the question correctly. "Why did you write that letter Anastasia?" He finally asks.
"I was made to write it." I say to him, I can't look him in the eyes anymore so I settle on looking at his mouth. "If I didn't write it, they were going to hurt people I care about." I close my eyes as I fight the onslaught of images that swim to the surface of my mind.
"Ana."
"No." I say, "No more talking. Can we just go please, I have a headache and would really like to lie down."
"Okay let's go." Christian takes my hand and we set off walking in the direction of Escala.
The walk back is quiet for which I'm grateful, I sneak glances at Christian every now and again and I swear I can hear the cogs whirling in his brain as he tries to make sense of what I've told him, but true to his word he doesn't push me for any more information. As we arrive in the penthouse Christian guides me straight through to the bedroom, he proceeds to help me out of my coat before going to close the curtains. I'm about to go into the bathroom to grab some painkillers when Christian steps in front of me. He reaches up and places his hands on either side of my face and forces my head up to look at him, he doesn't do it roughly but there's an urgency in his movements. For a long time he just looks down at me and even in the slightly darkened room I can see his eyes roaming all over my face. His expression is difficult to read and I'm about to ask him what's wrong when he leans down and places a kiss on my forehead, his lips linger there for a while and I hear him inhale loudly, as though he's breathing in my scent, then he lets go of me and turns and walks out of the room. I stand there for a while staring at the closed door before the pounding in my head becomes too much. I go into the bathroom and chase down two painkillers with a glass of water before climbing into bed.
When I awake the room is pitch black, I reach over and turn on the bedside light and a look at the clock tells me it's just after three in the morning, I've slept for almost twelve hours. Sitting in front of the clock is a plate of sandwiches wrapped in cling film and a bottle of water. I wonder if anyone tried to wake me for dinner or if Christian just decided to let me sleep. I stare at the sandwiches for a while before I decide I'm not hungry, I open the bottle of water and down almost half the bottle, the painkillers I got from the hospital tend to give me an awful dry mouth. I stand up and make my way into the closet and grab myself a pair of pyjama bottoms and a top and change out of my clothes. I'm about to climb back into bed when a noise stops me. I walk closer to bedroom door and press my ear towards the it. A hauntingly sad song floats through the cracks in the door and I instantly know Christian is playing his piano. The song pulls at my heart strings and I want nothing more than to run from the room and comfort him. I don't though, I take a step back and climb into bed, I turn the light off and lay there and listen to Christian playing whilst tears roll down my face, eventually I tire myself out and fall back to sleep.