I'm still alive! So sorry it's been so damn long since the last chapter, life has been a bit of a mess as of late and my muse disappeared entirely in relation to all my fics. I've only just been managing my college work, just about. NEVER WRITE COMEDY SIT COM SCRIPTS! They are absolute hell on earth to write. I am now convinced that I am completely devoid of humour and incapable of being funny. Anyway, chapter, yes. Will be able to move on to end of year, summer and Chamber of Secrets beginning stuff next chapter hopefully! Yay!
It was the last full day of the Christmas holidays. The many children in the house were goodness knows where, the many adults had collectively decided they didn't want to know. Bill was upstairs with Barty and yet again, no one wanted to know what was happening on the other side of the bedroom door. The silencing charms said enough. Frank, Alice, Lucius, Sirius and a newly enlightened Remus were sat around the huge kitchen table with mugs of tea chatting away quietly and studiously ignoring all the crazy or worrying things occurring in the house around them.
The sitting room was the hub of the latest drama today. Earlier that morning, Paradox had been heard to yell, "That conniving bitch!" Before proceeding to 'meditate'. Death's only explanation was to shrug and mutter, "Probably our mother."
Paradox was now hovering cross-legged somewhere near the ceiling surrounded by a glowing burgundy aura that was lashing out furiously every few seconds. Death, Severus and Charlie were sat below over by the fireplace. Death seemed totally relaxed while Charlie seemed to be following the rule of ignorance is bliss. Severus, however, would stop and glare worriedly up at the tense figure bobbing above him, causing Death to smirk smugly. Just then, Sirius wandered in.
"Severus, I've been meaning to ask you for a while now but never really got up the nerve. Why did you join the Death Eaters?"
"Why the hell are you bringing this up now you bag of fleas?" Severus snapped irritably.
Sirius winced as he sank into a nearby armchair, "Because, thanks to Pan up there, I know that it wasn't the Marauders. We may have helped you along towards them, but it wasn't what convinced you. We've had far too many conversations about what I did to you and I know if I try to apologise again you'll hex me, but I do want to know. Believe it or not you're my friend now you cantankerous bastard."
Severus sighed deeply and slumped back in his chair, "I believed in their original goals. Still do."
"What?!" Charlie shouted.
"Shut it Weasley." Severus snapped angrily, "I don't mean the killing and torture you dimwit. I am perfectly aware that that's wrong and I in no way condone it and never did. What I mean is the protection of our culture. Here in Wizarding Britain we have centuries worth of rich heritage, traditions and even religion but the influx of muggleborns who are never educated about our way of life is slowly destroying that same culture and centuries of tradition. We are no longer allowed to celebrate Samhain, Beltain, Imbolc, Lughnasadh, Ostara or Mabon. Yule is now Christmas and Midsummer is just another day. I acknowledge that some of Voldemort's biggest supporting pureblood families are insane inbred muggleborn haters who only want to kill people but a lot of us truly wanted to stop the destruction of our way of life. We had no clear idea what we were really getting ourselves into and desperately wanted out as soon as we knew."
Charlie has subsided into a state of shock by the end of Severus' speech and quickly got up to stumble towards the kitchen muttering something about needing a drink. Sirius just looked thoughtful and continued to sip his tea for several minutes in contemplative silence.
"Thank you, Severus. That's given me a lot to think about. With my position on the Wizengamot, Paradox sitting in Proxy for Harry and Tom and Lucius' seats and connections we have a considerable power base already. If you wish I could aid you in taking up the Prince seat and we could start the ground work for the reform of our society. We've already been doing a lot of work but have mainly been working on creature rights and Muggleborn work opportunities and discrimination. Now though we have time to turn our attention to the education system and I think it is time a mandatory Wizard Studies, Traditions and History class was introduced at Hogwarts for the muggleborn students with catch up classes available to all adult muggleborns. We can campaign to bring back our old holidays and traditions and in the process, win the support of many purebloods who would otherwise flock to Voldemort."
"Do you know, flea bag, that might be the most intelligent suggestion I have ever heard you make."
"I do have a brain, you know. And I don't have fleas, Remus makes sure of it."
"I did not need to know that, furball."
The brewing trade of insults was halted by Paradox finally descending from the ceiling. Standing, she waltzed across the room before throwing herself into Severus' conveniently placed lap. Severus immediately tried to remove her. Unfortunately, Paradox is a god so could not be moved if she didn't want to.
"So… Was I right in my assumption of the 'bitch' being our dear mother?" Death drawled, examining his nails lazily.
"Oh, naturally." Paradox chirped, grin showing slightly too many teeth to be pleasant.
"What did she do to cause such an extreme reaction?" Severus growled, "You've been up there all morning."
"Aww, did ickle Sevvy miss me?" Paradox cooed.
"Don't be ridiculous, just answer the question." Snarled Severus.
"Meanie." She pouted before launching into an explanation, "So, our delightful mother happens to be the Goddess of Time. This, of course, included time travel before I came along and for whatever reason gained primacy over that. It's one of the many reasons she hates me so damn much. In her eyes, I stole something that is rightfully hers so every so often she gets the bright idea to try and steal it back. It's not like she can, I have complete and irrevocable ownership over time travel, but every time she tries I have to spend hours watching over all of time and space to make sure she doesn't mess anything up and potentially destroy a whole universe in the process. It's a right pain."
"You mean to tell me…" Sirius said slowly, "That this whole time you've been up there effectively patrolling all of time and space within all of the billions of parallel universes to prevent their possible demise all because your mother's a greedy bitch who doesn't know when to quit?!"
"Yeah, pretty much."
"I don't know how you do it, but I know I sure as hell could not survive your life sweetheart."
"Aw, thank you, you're so sweet."
Severus actually growled slightly and tugged Paradox further onto his lap and away from the man that he logically knew was very very gay. Didn't stop the socially stunted, systematically abused man from feeling a momentary surge of irrational jealousy though. It didn't help that he caught sight of Death's smug grin this time.
The awkward situation brewing was interrupted by Barty bursting into the room waving his left hand over his head wildly. "He proposed! He actually proposed! I'm getting married!"
With a whoop, Paradox was out of Severus' lap and across the room to pull the excited man into a tight embrace.
"Congratulations!" She yelled, "About time he asked. Bill, where the hell are you?" She hollered, bouncing through the open doorway and descending on the beaming young man standing at the foot of the stairs.
"I'm very happy for you both." Called Remus, glancing longingly at Sirius who had followed after Paradox. Sirius, catching the look, turned panicked eyes to Alice who mouthed 'we'll talk later'. Hugs were exchanged before the happy couple left through the floo to inform Bill's family of the happy news, Charlie following after them.
"You know," Death mused, "The only thing missing now is a prank."
No sooner had the words left his mouth than the whole house burst into life around them. The walls sprouted vines and tree branches, the floor became covered in a thick layer of grass and leaves and the ceiling changed to match the sky. Finally, the adults turned to look at each other to discover that they'd all undergone their own transformation. Sirius and Remus both now sported fox ears and a tail, Alice and Frank's faces were covered in a layer of black and white striped fur, clearly meant to be like that of a Badger, Lucius' hair was now made entirely of feathers and his nose was far more beak like than was usual. Severus was a little different, he now sported a pair of huge bat wings that had passed right through his shirt in a reminder of his black teaching robes. Paradox and Death were the funniest, Paradox now sported a huge red squirrels tail that kept twitching and waving excitedly while Death's hair was now made up of black feathers while his neck and arms were thickly covered by the same feathers, clearly meant to be like those of a raven.
"I knew we should have checked what they were doing!" Lucius groaned, running fingers through what had once been his hair. Laughter was heard from outside the window and the adults turned in time to see the pack of children running for safety, a camera clasped tightly in George's arms.
It took a very long time to return everything almost to normal and all the adults still had vague remnants of their animal characteristics the next day when dropping the kids off at the platform. Unfortunately, George had hidden the camera, and nobody had succeeded in discovering its location. The usual affectionate goodbyes and warnings not to be caught were passed around before the group boarded the train. It didn't take long to find a compartment and expand it to fit their whole party.
"So…" Harry started slowly, "This term things get serious. We have to decide who exactly is going to retrieve the stone and who will be on distraction duty. I know that I'll be going along with Tom, Neville, Padma and Draco. The Cerberus is easy, Draco plays violin as it happens. Neville will be there to deal with the plant, Tom and I can fly for Flitwick's, Draco will lead us through McGonagall's chess game, Neville, Tom and I can deal with the Troll and then Padma will be there for Sev's logic puzzle. Any questions?"
"Why Padma and not me?" Hermione asked timidly.
"Because Padma has a twin that we can use to provide alibis for at least one of us." Tom explained gently.
"Surely by that logic it would be better if I joined Harry and you went with the distraction team to continue that goal." George butted in.
"Very good point, we'll alter things to that. As long as we have an additional powerhouse to help with the Troll we should be fine." Harry stated firmly. Adrian, I know this sounds strange, but I need you in charge of our image. We want the teachers at least to think that there's a sensible member of our group so your job will be to distract as many of them as possible in a detailed debate of rules and regulations at Hogwarts. Don't go into loopholes or anything, just all the obscure or little-known rules as if you're checking what is and isn't allowed."
"That makes perfect sense, keep them occupied and unaware while building trust for future endeavors. I shall be happy to comply."
"Right," George chimed in, "Fred, Tom, Padma. We need you to convince people that both members of each set of twins are wandering the castle separately and up to no mischief. Clear?"
"Clear!" The trio chorused loudly.
"The rest of you are on prank duty, pull as many or as little as you want, just make sure people think everything's business as usual."
"Right!"
The plan was made, the mission was set, now to see how effectively their plan would work in practice.
They set things into operation that very weekend. It was risky doing this in broad daylight, but they felt they were less likely to run into Quirrell attempting the same than if they went for it at night.
Lee was busy setting up fireworks to go off in the Great Hall. Hermione was up near the Gryffindor dorms carefully painting the whole corridor bright red and green decorated with little love hearts and the word 'Slytherdor'. Everything was hidden by a variation of the cloaking spell they used regularly that she'd adapted just the other day until she was finished and clear of the area. Teddy, Meanwhile, was using copious amounts of the levitation charm to hit the knot on the Whomping Willow to keep it still as he covered it in streamers, paper flowers and piñatas before standing well back to watch the chaos unfold.
Adrian had managed to capture the attention of a good many teachers and had started a fierce debate over which rules were still in effect and which should really be removed as they were hideously outdated. Fred, Tom and Parvati were having a wonderful time popping all over the castle and appearing in different house colours depending on which twin they were currently playing.
Meanwhile, on the third-floor corridor, Harry had just unlocked the door as Draco began gently playing a tune on his violin. They only entered when snoring could be heard, Draco still playing softly. Moving quickly and efficiently, they shifted the giant paws off the trap door, flung it open and shone the light from their wands through the opening.
"I knew it!" Neville whisper-crowed, "I knew it'd be Devil's Snare!"
They watched for a moment longer as the plant writhed and shifted away from the faint light.
"We'll jump down in the dark so the plant cushions our landing then as soon as we're all there we light up our wands as bright as we can to drive it back." Neville ordered, already extinguishing his wand light. Everyone nodded before following his instructions, Draco going last and clutching his violin close as he fell. The plan went off without a hitch, the Devil's snare instantly cringing away from their wands and loosening its already tight hold on their limbs.
Hastily, Draco shrunk and pocketed his violin, being careful to cast a few protection charms he'd been sure to learn in advance.
Continuing, they soon came to a room full of flying keys. Instantly, George was over at the other door, examining the keyhole and shouting possible descriptions to Harry who was already in the air searching and fighting off keys. Soon enough, he shot through the air and passed the key over to George who threw the door open, chucked the key back into the air and ushered everyone through into the next room.
"Well that's been anticlimactic so far." He commented casually, turning to face the giant chess board. "Never mind, would prefer more of that. This will be tense."
"Oh, hush you big baby." Draco scolded as he walked carefully towards the black pieces. "Right, Harry's King, I'm Queen, Neville and George are Knights and Padma's a Rook. Move, move, move!"
Everyone ran towards the spaces now cleared on the board for them and the game began. It was a long, tense battle as George predicted as Draco was playing to keep everyone safe while still winning the game. There were several times everyone was sure it was impossible, and he'd surely have to sacrifice himself or one of the others. He escaped time and time again though, saving all their necks. Finally, Draco had the King cornered and was able to call Check Mate. A relieved group moved forward beyond the white pieces and took a moment to collect themselves before moving on to face the Troll. Even with Harry, George and Neville's combined efforts it would be a hard fight against the Troll's magically resistant skin.
Soon enough though, they knew they had to continue. Looking nervous, the three fighters stepped up and crept through the door. The stench hit them like a physical strike to the face as a roar almost deafened them. Looking up, the group realised that this Troll was far bigger than the one that had broken in at Halloween. Thinking quickly, both Neville and George fired off overpowered bludgeoning hexes at the creatures' stomach while Harry took a moment to survey the room and think out possible battle plans. The hexes both hit and sent the huge monster stumbling back a few paces and let out a bellow of pain. No physical injuries appeared though and soon the pillar of lumpy flesh was barreling towards them again. This time George opted for a cutting curse while Neville cast a second bludgeoning hex. The curse seemed to work as a thin line of blood appeared right across the Troll's saggy belly even as Neville's hex sent it careening backwards yet again. By this point the creature was furious, and decided to throw his huge club at the small band of students.
"Protego!" Harry shouted, finally entering the fray. "That gives me an idea, Wingardium Leviosa! Depulso!" With that, Harry sent the giant club rocketing through the air and colliding into the Troll's disproportionally small head. The beast swayed, staggered a bit, then fell to the ground with an earth-shattering crash.
"Well that's that dealt with." Harry muttered absently, wandering towards the opposite door leading to the potions room.
"Is he alright?" Padma asked worriedly.
"Hm? Oh yes, absolutely fine." Neville responded, "Probably just trying to work out how he would go about recreating the effects of the Philosophers Stone. He probably will and then forget all about the whole thing as he'll be bored with it."
"Ah, I see. He really is a little eccentric, isn't he?"
"Eccentric's one way of putting it. To be fair, we all are, comes with the territory."
Conversation over, they followed Harry across the room and through the door only for black and purple flames to spring up to block their exits.
"You're up, Padma!" Harry called from over by the table.
Hurrying over, Padma examined the riddle left by Professor Snape very carefully before triumphantly plucking a small bottle from the table. "There's only enough for two so who'll go with Harry?"
"I will." George stated firmly, stepping up next to the smaller boy. Harry nodded his agreement, so Padma handed over the bottle. They each took a sip before vanishing through the black flames.
Harry and George found themselves in a chamber empty of everything except for a giant mirror. Confused, the two friends walked forward carefully, checking constantly for traps. Soon, though, they were stood directly in front of the mirror and Harry jumped back with an oath as the Philosophers Stone dropped into his pocket.
"What the hell?" He exclaimed as he stared at the thing they'd come to liberate.
"This really was anticlimactic." George muttered, "At least the Troll gave us a half-decent fight."
"Come on," Harry replied, "Let's go."
It didn't take long to join the others and make their way back through the rooms. When they got to the chamber beneath the trap door, Neville stood with his lit wand raised high as Harry flew Draco up playing his violin, then everyone else one by one before finally fetching Neville. Hastily they snuck out of the Cerberus' room, relocked the door, and disappeared along the corridor and towards the Room of Requirement.
'Mission successful.' Harry, George and Padma sent out to their twins.
Now all they had to do was get the stone to Paradox, she'd know what to do with it.
Sorry there's not anything more detailed about the chess game. I know nothing about chess, I have played a grand total of one chess game in my whole life, I would just insult all you chess masters out there if I even attempted it.