Disclaimer: Anything familiar to you, I don't own. This is a work of fanfiction for personal amusement, fulfillment and a bit of self-therapy. I make nothing from any of it.
Notes: I've made the decision to go to two chapters a day from now until the end, which is very, very close. I hope folks enjoy. Also, yeah, it's time for That Chapter.
Chapter Sixty-Three: Metochos
April 22nd, 2012 11:34 AM
Max collapsed back on Rachel's bed and stared up at the text message she had just received. The one thing she was fairly certain of was that the message was important, that its sender had a genuine need to talk to her. Unfortunately, since Max knew where the girl who had reached out to her was, she had a good idea that seeing her meant leaving the relative safety of the top floor of the Prescott Dormitories. Outside of breakfast on weekdays and school hours, she did not do that anymore. Lots of the girls who understood what was happening were the same way. Just over a week prior, Max, Rachel and Chloe had gambled that by releasing the information they had on Nathan and Jefferson, they could make Blackwell a safer place.
And hadn't that just backfired spec- fucking- tacularly? She rolled over on the bed and looked out toward the rest of the room. Rachel had never gotten around to really decorating the year prior but this year she was letting her freak flag fly. Max still didn't know much about half of the bands featured in posters strung across the room's four walls but Chloe and Rachel bonded over them and occasionally Max joined the two of them in listening to that music. It was angry music and sometimes helpful when she needed to have fire and not fear. Ever since Monday, though, those days had been few and far between.
Victoria
Can we talk? It's kind of important. I wanna meet up.
If you're not busy, I mean.
Max stared at this, having read it for the fifth or sixth time while she put off answering, or even deciding on an answer. In the end, there was only one response she was capable of giving: yes. She could not help but worry with a part of her brain that the talk Victoria wanted to have was about whether or not she was going to leave Blackwell Academy, after all. Chloe and Rachel had tried to convince her to stick around and Max had even done the same thing later that Saturday night, when they were far from the thumping bass of the music. Just give it a day or two, I said. Everything's gonna change.
It still took everything she had to have faith that this was going to work out in their favor, everything she had not to rewind to a photo taken outside of Up All Nite Donuts before she had released the files to anyone, even Juliet. Blackwell had changed, but she was not sure it was for the better. Nathan had become more violent and threatening than ever. Ostensibly he had only broken school property so far, but Max had heard from Daniel that Warren Graham was taken to the hospital in the middle of the night, Wednesday. The official story was that he had fallen in the shower. Max did not believe it. She had heard no specific updates on him, but Brooke had told her that at least he was set to be released today. She could not help but think that Nathan had had a hand in that. As for Jefferson, he had 'addressed concerns' to the satisfaction of Principal Wells by hosting a Q&A at a school board meeting. He continued to favor Max and Nathan over the rest of the class.
Me
Okay. Um, where?
Victoria
By the vending machines.
Then there was Wells himself, who had spent the week using a portion of the morning announcements to invite 'EwindF,' the username Max had sent the files out under, to expose themselves and open a dialogue. There was also all the potential that the Vortex Club's next party, next week, would be its last as Nathan was effectively no longer a member. At the very least, if the parties continued they would never be the same again, likely to be tamer than a middle school dance. Max wished Rachel would hurry back from the restroom.
Victoria
By the vending machines.
Max?
Me
Okay. Five minutes?
Victoria
Okay.
What had been intended to fix Blackwell had done the opposite. Max's stomach had relocated itself somewhere near the soles of her feet when she overheard David reminding Wells of his 'camera proposal.' David had attempted to set the school under constant surveillance after Rachel's disappearance in the other timeline, Max knew, but that had been a ways down the line. More than a year out. As for the head of security himself, David was more strict and militant with students than he had ever been. If you laughed too hard, he was watching you, if you breathed too hard, he was watching you and if you coughed too loudly he might taunt you by asking what you were smoking. There were, all told, no signs that he was doing anything about Nathan or watching him any harder than usual, though he certainly responded to almost a report a day about the boy.
Rachel returned about a minute after she agreed to meet Victoria. As the door opened, Max rose to a sitting position and watched as Rachel entered. Once she knew the girl was back, she slipped her feet into her shoes and reached for her bag sitting on the floor at the foot of the bed. Rachel slowed when she watched what Max was doing. Max knew that the girls were getting worried by her unwillingness to go around campus outside of school hours. Hell, she was worried. The thing was that the more she was out on the grounds of campus the more she was at risk of falling victim to Nathan's inevitable revenge plot, or having something thrown at her or getting hit by something the boy swung at her.
Max was scared .
"Going somewhere?" Rachel asked her, her voice low, a little confused and a bit patronizing.
"Victoria wants to meet up." It was going to be impossible to come up with any good reason for the girl to stay with things as they were. If Victoria was done with Blackwell, Max understood. She was beginning to see less and less reason to stay, herself, though the biggest reasons had not changed at all. Chloe and Rachel were still here. Hell, so was Steph.
"Oooooh," Rachel all but crooned. The tone was teasing, taunting. Max knew that in that moment the two of them were imagining different conversations entirely. Max thought that Victoria was asking her to come say goodbye. Rachel thought that Victoria was going to ask her out. "What are you gonna say?" At this, the blonde plopped herself down on the edge of her bed but for once Max did not join her. She stood in the center of the room relatively ready to leave but knowing she had a minute or two before she needed to.
"If it's about that I don't know yet," she lied. At least, she lied partially. There were a few questions Victoria was going to have to answer before Max decided how she felt on the topic of a potential Victoria crush. "If it's about her leaving the school-" Max sighed. "I'm going to tell her good luck wherever she's going. We thought we were helping but we made it worse. I'm scared most of the time, I don't blame her for being the same way."
"You have been staying in your room a lot," Rachel said, suddenly slightly uncomfortable judging by the way she rubbed at one arm, slow up and down gestures. "We just weren't sure when to bring it up."
"I'm scared that Nathan's coming after us."
"I mean, after what happened to Warren and Daniel," Rachel shrugged. Max furrowed her brows.
"Daniel?"
"Yeah, the way Hayden tells it, Warren got in the way while Nathan was pushing Daniel around." Max could believe that. Nathan liked to pick on people who couldn't or wouldn't fight back against him almost exclusively. It was not the story that Daniel had given her, but Max rather thought he might have been scared to tell the truth.
"God, he's going to explode soon, big time and we – I'm the one at fault. We fucked up. It backfired. We fucked up big." There was no time to sit and feel sorry for herself. Max grimaced in Rachel's direction, waved her left hand and made for the door, intending to promise to be back in short order. The blonde rose from the bed, stopped her by reaching one hand out and grasping Max's shoulder and then pulled her close. Max did not fight her. She closed her eyes and leaned her head against Rachel's shoulder as the girl's arms curled around her lower back.
"We did the best thing we could think to do – the only thing we could think to do."
"It doesn't feel like it."
"Text me when you get into the building?" Rachel asked, not releasing Max as if she was going to hold the photographer until she agreed. That was not the best motivation: why would she want Rachel to let her go? Except I have somewhere I have to be. Max sighed. It was important to get through either of the potential conversations the two of them had theorized Victoria needed out of the way. It wasn't leaving Rachel behind for a few minutes that bothered Max. It was going out there at all. "Max?"
"Yeah," Max promised. She shifted the weight of her bag on her left shoulder and patted Rachel on the back with her right hand, eventually rubbing circles over one shoulder blade. "I will." Slowly, Rachel released her and Max turned back toward the door. There did not seem to be anything else to say or if there was Max did not know it and Rachel did not say it. She shut the door behind her and, quiet as could be, made for the door leading down to the staircase. No sounds came from down below that spelled any particular trouble or even any notable activity on Nathan's part. Not that she was entirely sure what she would be listening for, anyway. For one paranoid moment, she paused with her hand on the knob of the door at the end of the hall and imagined Nathan lying in wait for her just outside of the door, ready to push her down a flight of stairs. Then, Max breathed out, dispelled herself of the notion and pushed the door open. Don't be dumb. Victoria wouldn't set you up like that, not even under duress.
Once outside of the dormitories, she realized she had no interest in walking the usual paths. So as much as she hated to slow herself down and make herself late, Max stuck to the back edge of campus, hugging the back fence and walking through the grass, which really needed a mowing. She felt the tops of each blade press against her ankles. The school paid outside help to do that, as Samuel's work kept him busy elsewhere on campus more often than not, but for some reason whoever it was had not done the work. She doubted it was a budget issue, so Max felt a tiny bit of curiosity, but for the most part her focus was on making it to the school doubletime without catching sight of Nathan or anyone she thought might tell him where she was, which at this point there really wasn't anyone. No one had even seen Eliot hanging around Nathan in about two months.
At one point as she approached the back of the school building the familiar dark blue of the security crew's uniform caught her attention from around the side but whoever wore it was smaller than David and probably not quite as tall. As such, she did not tense up. To top it off, she wasn't hassled. Isn't it funny how easy that was, David? The building was unlocked during the day on weekends since it was used for club meetings including, as it turned out, the prom planning committee. That was the meeting that Victoria was supposed to be in, though Max wondered how much more they had to plan this close to prom. I'm not sure what to do about prom. She supposed that if they went, the three of them would simply go together and anyone feeling judgmental on that front could go fuck themselves.Then again, Max chuckled to herself as she realized that it might mean seeing Chloe in a dress for the first time in years. She shrugged. There would have to be a photo, at least, if that happened. Which I'll have to hide so Chloe doesn't destroy it. Then again it was not beyond Chloe to show up in a tux. Or sneakers, jeans and a tee. The big question was whether they would all make it until the prom without some great disaster happening to make them want to leave the school.
Under some circumstances, empty hallways might have been taken very well. As it was, they just seemed like long stretches of space where Nathan could sneak up from behind her and – whack – she would be gone without anyone being the wiser. Thankfully, after a few seconds she both saw and was seen by someone, after all. Victoria, who had snuck away from the committee meeting to text her, leaned back against the snack vending machine with her arms across her chest. When their eyes matched, the blonde raised a hand.
"Hi." This was neither her most verbose greeting nor was it laced with an overabundance of emotion. If anything, she might have been saying the words 'let's get this over with' instead. Max didn't know what to say to that, so she tried to offer a smile that did not look nervous and sickly which was how she felt. Rachel had really made things worse by suggesting that this conversation might be about Victoria's feelings but Max had not realized how much worse until she spotted Victoria standing there in wait, arms crossed over her dark top and tapping her toe in a sandal whose price Max almost definitely didn't want to know. She would never understand why Victoria dressed so extravagantly even for lounging around the school. "Do you think we can go somewhere private?" Victoria did not even save this question for Max drawing close enough to speak normally. There's no one around, she thought to herself.
"Uh," Max glanced about for the nearest classroom. "Sure." Her eyes landed on the familiar setting of the science lab and she stalked right over to the door instead of continuing any closer toward the vending machines. It opened under her grasp and Max stood there, holding the door ajar a crack and watching Victoria as the girl came to her senses. It was somewhat awkward to stand and wait on her, but then that just made Max understand why Victoria hadn't been willing to wait to start speaking until they were closer together. One felt useless standing, silently, waiting for the other person to meet up with them. Or maybe you're nervous about everything right now and overthinking it and need to SHUT. UP. Max snapped back into focus and hoped that that particular bit of mental dialogue had not played out across her face. So often when that happened people made assumptions about what you might be talking about.
There was, as it turned out, no one in the classroom. Max planted her ass in a chair at the nearest table as Victoria let the classroom door shut behind her. After a moment or two of that hesitation that was not just uncharacteristic of Victoria but offensive to her headstrong nature, Victoria joined her. What she did not expect was that instead of talking, the minute they each sat down an unnatural silence would descend upon them. From the look on the blonde's face, the way she toyed with her necklace, she was trying to find the words to start. Max found herself wishing she had bought a soda first to have something to do with her hands during the silence. She did not want to look as if she were rushing Victoria to speak. The girl looked, judging by the way she was holding herself, as if she might have had a rough night's sleep. Bad sleep was often worse than no sleep for the brain's processing power, in Max's opinion.
"What is it, Victoria?" Max finally asked softly after some time had passed. She did not check her phone to see how long it had been but the silence had stretched from uncomfortable to agonizing, so Max could safely assume it had to have been a minute or two, right? At this, first frustration then resignation crossed the girl's face and she released her hold on her necklace and settled both hands on the table in front of her. That being said, she instantly began to drag her nails across its surface. Maybe Victoria, too, was having difficulty with what to do with her hands.
"So I think you know this by now," Victoria started, sounding as if her words were mere wisps of wind and then building up to her usual volume and forceful nature, the one that demanded to be heard. "But I think I kind of might have a bit of a crush on you."
"There were a lot of qualifiers on that one," Max noted as her stomach turned. Fuck. Rachel was right. This meant that in the next couple of minutes Max was probably going to be forced to ask a couple of ugly questions. Maybe all of those qualifiers on the admission of nothing more complex than a crush would have to be where she started. "Why's that?"
"Yeah, well, I've never been super sure one way or the other," Victoria told her, which made little sense to Max. She had known the minute her crush developed on Rachel that a crush was growing. She had even tracked the difference in feelings felt for Chloe from the moment someone else's thoughts and mind left hers to do their thing. How one could be unsure about a crush was beyond Max but she wasn't exactly offended by the statement, just dubious. "It's just..."
"Just what?" Max prompted her when it sounded as if Victoria might trail off, might lose the head of steam she had been building. She wanted to talk to an honest Victoria, the authentic Victoria, the real thing: blunt, assertive, confident at least enough to speak her mind as she always had.
"I've acted like a huge dick to people," Victoria admitted. "Part of it comes down, I think, to what you said: I think I was insecure. And most of that has nothing to do with you, it has to do with my mom and dad and me and what I want to do and how I want to prove to them that it's worth something, that I don't have to be some famous artistic photographer to be a good photographer, to be successful. Some of it was because I felt like I had to compete with you, because here came this new girl out of nowhere who becomes Drewer's favorite overnight, who takes these really cool shots and hardly ever seems to hesitate. I hesitate all the time when I'm taking photos." Max did not believe that last bit. She, too, hesitated constantly. Victoria on the other hand was a charging bull when she lined up her shots, and more often than not the ones Max had seen looked, if a little clinical then at least precise, clear cut. Certainly looking at them would not suggest hesitation.
"And maybe some of it was because I felt like I had to compete with you and hey, Victoria, you might be a total closet case. I hated that idea." Strangely enough, Victoria sounded the most herself as she reached this bit. Max didn't like that idea. Was it possible that Victoria had a tendency toward self-deprecation that Max had never noticed before?
"Go on," Max prompted once more when it looked as if Victoria was waiting for her to interrupt.
"I just, I know I was a dick to other people, too, like Chloe, who just got caught in the crossfire or Kate who really didn't deserve all of that but I just was and that had nothing to do with you. I'm not making excuses, I'm just saying that's what I did." Victoria had not come to any kind of conclusion, so again Max stayed quiet. It was almost like Victoria was having some of these thoughts for the first time and Max was just intruding upon those private thoughts. " I'm trying to change, at least, kind of. I'm trying not to be a dick and there's something else." The something else had to be big, because Victoria's eyes widened slightly and Max could swear the girl was breathing slightly harder. Come on, out with it, damn it. "I guess I was wondering if - if you're okay with it and if it's not going to cause other problems because I don't know how any of what you, Rachel and Chloe have going on works - if maybe we could just go out somewhere some time. Us two." Oh.Max realized that Victoria's heavier breathing, the wide eyes, the way her hands worked against each other, these were all very familiar signs. She was not all too different from this when highly embarrassed. Max felt a bit embarrassed in the moment, too, though not as much as Victoria.
"The thing is," Victoria added, voice slowing, words quieting, "unless something huge changes, I'm leaving Blackwell after prom. This is all way too much and if I wasn't part of the prom committee I'd be gone already. I kind of need to know if I have a thing for you before I go. I'm already gonna leave Blackwell because I'm scared of Nathan and - and I guess Jefferson. I don't want to leave being scared I might be into someone, even if it's... you know -" Desperate to change the tone of the conversation slightly, Max channeled her inner Chloe, to a degree.
"An extremely cute, talented, funny and intelligent girl?" Victoria had the wherewithal to laugh once, but it still sounded a little nervous, a little forced even if a lot of the other outward signals of anxiety were vanishing.
"Humble too."
"Oh, you have no room to talk," Max shot back, this time the one to cross her arms over her chest, trying to give a playfully judging look about her.
"Maybe not, but I stand by it. I'm into you, you know. So I wanted to ask. If you don't want to I understand. It's not exactly some huge declaration of undying love or anything – not exactly romantic but-"
"Victoria, I've wanted to say this to you before, a lot, but shut up." Max reached out and patted the girl once on the back of her hand, just a signal to suggest she was not trying to be a dick. "This sounds like a plan, but speaking of, planning the date is on you, because I'm absolutely clueless." This time, Victoria's laugh sounded more realistic if a bit taunting in and of itself. That was more Victoria's default, though.
"I thought you were cute, talented, funny and intelligent? Couldn't someone like that plan a date?"
"You thought I was cute?" Max shot back, grinning widely. To her surprise, Victoria did not break in any way. If the girl was endeared or annoyed by her playful teasing she did not show it. Victoria for the moment, simply looked like Victoria. If anything she sat a little taller than usual, as if a weight was off of her shoulders. "Really, though," Max continued when she thought she might have seen a small quirk of Victoria's lips. "You'd be surprised how miserably awkward I can get about shit. So, um, you're leaving?" Max asked. The subject change was abrupt and hardly to equally pleasant conversation, but it was important. It also means Rachel and I were both right. Take that, Miss Amber.
"I mean, Nathan's off the deep end and I don't feel safe and Wells doesn't care." He really didn't. Or if he did, he did not care enough to do anything or help anyone. He was probably more concerned with how 'EwindF' had had the school's mailing list. "Besides, you barely leave your room anymore, you know what I mean." Max wished, in that moment, that Stella had somewhere to go, that she could leave Blackwell. Outside of classes, Stella was basically in her room constantly, too. She doesn't have my parents to go back to. Just assholes. Victoria sighed. "This sucks. I thought I'd come here, learn a lot about photography and then go on to big things. When one of my favorite photographers was going to be our teacher I thought it was going to be amazing but it's hard to pretend like he doesn't seemcreepy, now that we know what we know."
"Jefferson's charismatic but it doesn't make you forget," Max muttered sympathetically.
"And to top it all off, I did lose my best friend. He's not just violent, he's crazy. You heard him that night. He was talking to like, seven or eight people in a room with just four of us." Though Max had only personally witness it happen once or twice, Victoria had told her privately about Nathan's behavior later that evening when it became clear she was not going to be able to keep it together to stay at the party. They had retreated together to the girls' dormitory and let the locked door be their guard while they talked in the hall, at least once Victoria had been able to talk again. "Did you know that he accused Rachel of being some kind of witch or something?" Max wanted to laugh and she certainly tried but that had been a point of some concern for Max. As far as she could gather from Rachel and Chloe's recounting of what had happened in the bathroom after Victoria had pulled her from the room, Rachel's rage had led her to threaten Nathan with fire. Knowing as Max did the depth of Rachel's guilt about her first encounter with the boy, she could not imagine what the blonde had been thinking or feeling.
"I didn't bring you here to whine to, though," Victoria said, almost admonishing herself. When Max opened her mouth to tell Victoria it was alright, that they all needed to vent sometimes, the blonde raised a hand as if to dismiss it, so Max fell quiet. "I just wanted to talk to you face to face and get your answer, and I have." At this, the heir to the Chase line brightened slightly. "Also, I guess I wanted to tell you sorry in person, no matter what you said about a date." Max swallowed at the word date but she had other concerns.
"Sorry about what?"
"I'm sorry about a lot of things, but right now that I'm too scared to stay when you and Stella aren't." Max wanted to reassure the girl, tell her that she thought that if Stella had a place to go, she would. Max wished she could tell Victoria everything that she knew and why she couldn't leave herself. Instead, she had to lie by omission because fuck, the truth sounded crazy. There was no coming out with part of the truth about why she was staying either. If the day arose that she told anyone else the true story about her time at Blackwell, it would have to be all or nothing and that meant dragging Chloe and Rachel with her. Max did not care for that idea.
"At least we both live in Seattle and can meet up this summer, if we want." Again, Victoria smiled slightly, yet at this instead of agreeing to the idea or not Victoria got to her feet and announced she had to return to her meeting. "You're probably right," Max agreed. Maybe the conversation had gone on long enough considering their pasts and they just needed to take some time to process and think. "But I'm gonna be waiting on that date."
"You better be," Victoria promised her before crossing to the door of the classroom. Max wondered how that was going to go. She realized, watching Victoria open the classroom door and wave a goodbye, that she had never been on a date with someone to see if they 'clicked.' Max waved back and kept her seat for the moment. Sure, she had date nights with Rachel or Chloe or occasionally both of them but that was entirely different. They had already been pretty well together when those started.
Me
So, uh, guys? What do you wear on an actual date?
Rachel
Oh my god. Chloe, pay up. Again.
Steph
Brutal. Savage. Rekt. God damn, Chloe, how does it feel getting taken to the cleaners?
Chloe
I for one think we should be paying attention to the fact that Max has a date. I think focusing on silly bets is really juvenile at a time like this.
Rachel
You would. I accept cash or public declarations of my awesomeness.
Me
You guys are so helpful. Also, Victoria's leaving after prom.
Steph
Ouch
Max was in a tentatively better mood when she shut the door to the girl's dormitory behind her. She considered going back to rachel's room but decided almost immediately to stop by her own first. Theoretically, no one in the girl's dorms would let Nathan up onto the second floor so she felt safe up there and did not rush. Once in the room, Max changed into something a little cooler. The day felt warmer than she expected for April. During the process she continually became distracted by her own thoughts and sat on the edge of the bed parsing over details of their conversation: Victoria's slightly self-deriding language, the way Victoria had no response to the idea of meeting up with her over the summer. In the moment she hadn't been sure what to say to the girl, now she realized she had several questions which only victoria could answer. Max knocked on Rachel's door as soon as she felt like she was out of her thoughts enough to dress and be around people.
It was Kate and not Rachel who let her in. Rachel's nose was buried in what was probably Kate's English essay but she still looked up, smiled slyly and raised her eyebrows twice, suggestively. Whether this was teasing about Victoria or just her boasting about being correct about the topic of conversation, Max did not know. When she had hugged Kate and ascertained that the girl was having a relatively good way, she went quiet and let Kate return to reading Rachel's essay, too. Smart girl would have hers done by now, Max reminded herself. Ah, fuck it, tonight. She settled down on the edge of the bed near Rachel while the two read their papers and checked her message, sifted through the few photos on her phone and generally tried not to be a nuisance.
Something felt off about the air in the room but Max took it to mean that maybe her mood was not as improved by her talk with Victoria as she had thought it would be. When both girls had finished reading and sharing their notes, Max felt a slight tension in the air which only intensified when Rachel asked if either of them wanted to go anywhere. Max tried to use humor to deflect from the fact that the moment the idea of going back out there rose up, she felt uncomfortable and nervous. It did not work, but Max followed through anyway.
"I've been outside once already today, but if you're leaving campus, I'm in," she said, smiling ruefully. The thing was, Rachel did not buy into the humor of the statement as a default and even Kate was looking at her thoughtfully instead. After a moment, Kate nodded, slowly.
"I get it," Kate told her. Judging by the next several seconds of silence they had mutually decided to stay in.
"Are you doing okay?" Max asked Kate, trying anything to improve the mood. Rachel began to toy with her phone.
"I'm kind of disturbed about what's happening."
"I get that," Rachel chimed in, looking up. "It's getting tense around here." Rachel with the understatement of the century. When prompted about what she did over spring break, their slightly more conservative friend all but jumped from her seat. Eagerly, the girl recalled going back home, meeting up with friends from church.
"It was quiet there. I kind of miss it."
"Summer's almost here," Rachel told Kate. Max did not know what to think about that fact. Summer was almost there. A long break from school was coming which meant leaving Nathan Prescott behind in the dust. It also meant leaving Blackwell and Arcadia Bay and thus Rachel and Chloe. Max was not a fan of that idea.
"I'm kind of disappointed," Kate said, instead of responding to the Rachel's point. "I'm disappointed they didn't punish Nathan or do something about Jefferson. Especially because the rumors have to have reached them about the other stuff Nathan was doing." Kate did not match Max's eyes when she said this. Max was fairly certain that those rumors had reached Wells. She had once considered going to Wells and telling him flat out, rewinding if it backfired, before reminding herself what had happened in the other timeline the day Nathan killed (or nearly killed) Chloe in the girl's bathroom.
"Wells isn't going to do shit," Max told Kate with some certainty. "Remember, the Prescotts basically fund this school. Nathan will have to be caught in the act." The conversation had suddenly become rather uncomfortable. It did not look to Max as if her mood could take a much larger downward turn until, after a while, Rachel looked down at her phone and announced it was dinner time. When the blondes both looked up from what they were doing at the time, it was to stare pointedly at Max.
"I'm not hungry," she told them, immediately. She did not want to go out there. She did not want to run into Nathan, whose violent tendencies seemed to manifest themselves as often if not more often than they did not. By now, Max figured, he knew it was her, Chloe or Rachel who had released the information that had resulted in his even more severe isolation. Ultimately, her goal had been for him to be forced to get treatment or be removed from school grounds, either way he would theoretically stop attacking people. Neither had come about, he was simply being ostracized. Max looked into Rachel's eyes and saw the way that this conversation was going to go before it even started. Having skipped breakfast and lunch, Max not wanting to go down to dinner was a Bad Sign. She knew what the right answer was, she just couldn't give it. She honestly had no appetite and the idea of eating just to eat made her stomach churn. "I'm just not super interested, but if you two wanna go on down, go for it." Rachel shook her head.
"Max, please eat." The request was genuine, it was soft, it was not judgmental. It was completely reasonable, except that it was not.
"I'm not going down there."
"Then I'm bringing you something back," Rachel insisted, reaching out as if to rest a hand on Max's knee. The girl paused halfway there, asking permission with her eyes. Max only felt hurt in the idea that she had somehow sent off the wrong signals, made Rachel feel as if she was putting distance between them. She met Rachel's hand with her own and gave it a squeeze.
"You don't have to," Max assured her.
"I do." She watched Rachel and Kate leave, the latter of which had become very quiet at Max's refusal to join them for dinner. She hoped Kate wasn't upset, but reading her face was difficult sometimes when Max did not feel her best. Rachel let Kate exit first before she paused, halfway out the door and leaned back in. "I'm seriously worried about you, Max. I want to help. I'll do anything, just tell me what it is." The truth was, unless Rachel had the ability to make Nathan and Jefferson both go away, Max didn't know what the girl thought she could do.
She sat alone on Rachel's bed for several seconds after the door shut behind her girlfriend. She sat, knees pulled up to her chest, ashamed. She knew she probably shouldn't be ashamed, but it was there and hard to deny. It was one thing to sneak down and into the school to meet up with Victoria. It was another thing to go sit in a room where Nathan might be, or where he might show up, when she already felt the far too common feeling that actually eating might make her sick to her stomach. It was guilt, and she knew it. Max leaned sideways and fell over on Rachel's bed, her head hitting the pillow as she exhaled. She didn't mean to, but she went through the list of things she felt guilty about.
It was long and some of it objectively was not her own fault but also objectively made her hate herself in retrospect. It hurt to parse the list, but she did so, she always did that when she disappointed Rachel or Chloe or made them worry over her. It didn't help that the shitty state of campus was her fault. She did not know what to do about any of it. It didn't take long for her to go from guilty to angry at herself. There was no way she was going to ruin what was otherwise a nice day for Rachel. Max left her bag in the girl's room but got to her feet and stormed out of the dormitories.
She was going to join Rachel and Kate for dinner and if Nathan was there and he tried something, then he tried something. It wouldn't be the first confrontation with him she'd been involved in and probably not the last. At least it would be public. As long as she didn't catch her off guard he was going to have a much harder time with her than he had had knocking one of Warren's teeth out, plus whatever else he had done to the boy.
Max Caulfield wasn't sure who she was angrier at as she pushed the front door to the dormitories open, herself or Nathan.