Trigger warning: this chapter deals with depression.
Thank you to the band Fugees for inspiration from r this chapter and story in general.
—
Memory 6: 2 years, 3 months after the war, Hermione opens up to Theo:
Hermione convinced Pansy to move into Theo's French estate the very next week. Pansy didn't want to be involved in their constant shagging but she didn't want to be alone more. Pansy started hooking up with a Slytherin from Charlie's year so soon the foursome were all living together in Theo's vast manor. Hermione had never been happier.
Theo taught Hermione the art of love making and pushed her to explore her sexuality in a way that she never considered before. They explored every position, every location, and every kink that either one of them expressed interest in. Hermione had never felt so empowered or in charge of her sexuality and she was falling desperately in love with him as a person. He helped fill the void that her parents left and she kept his deep loneliness at bay. They often had frank intense discussions about their past and/or future. The most often being the war.
"Why won't you talk about it?" Theo asked her again brashly.
"What good does it do to talk about my anger about the war. What does that accomplish. It happened. Everyone had to live through it. I'm not some special little flower that lived a unique situation. Your own father was executed because of the war."
"Don't try to change the subject back onto me, he was kissed by the dementors and he deserved it. You need to talk about what happened and your emotions so you can accept the situation and move passed it. Why haven't you gotten any letters from Harry? He's your best friend. Yet, only Ron and Ginny write, sometimes Luna. What is your deal with Harry?"
"You could never understand my friendship with Harry. We have a closeness and bond that goes beyond writing each other all the time."
"You're pissed at him! At Dumbledore! Why won't you just admit that? You're furious about certain aspects of the war. The whole thing with your parents. Probably Harry acting like a sacrificial lamb if I took a guess."
"Don't you bring up my parents or Harry! How dare you! Just because we're dating, doesn't give you the right to tell me how I feel, or open up old wounds that I'm just trying to forget."
"You're not forgetting them Hermione! You can't forget your parents, or your best friend or anything that happened to you! You were tortured for Merlin's sake. You're ignoring this horrible gaping wound in your soul. It's breaking you! Why won't you let me in? Why won't you talk to me? We are connected now, don't you get that? You are mine! I will never let you go! You are permanently tattooed on my heart. You need to open up to me!"
She sat down and cried. Sobbing. But he wouldn't budge.
"Let me shoulder your pain." He said softly caressing her hair out of her face.
"Okay." She sniffled. "You win. I'll talk about the war. I'll tell you everything, but only because you're mine too and I need you."
And talk she did. She told him about obliviating her parents and the look of betrayal on her mom's face as it happened.
She told him about the frustration she felt at Dumbledore who never once set them up for success. She blamed him for some of the losses on their side and she blamed him for Harry.
Sirius could have been cleared easily but it was Hermione's belief that Dumbledore ignored him being in Azkaban because Dumbledore wanted Harry at the Dursley's even though he was emotionally abused there.
Sirius would have never accepted Harry going there. So Hermione felt Dumbledore let him remain in Azkaban. Which really pissed her off the more Hermione thought about it.
Hermione told him all about their year traveling looking for horcruxes and how she felt guilty at her lack of preparation. She really should have planned the food situation better. She told him about Ron deserting them and how it caused her to never truly trust him again.
She told him about Harry. Their friendship and familial bond. How horrified she was to find out he was a horcrux and that he walked off to meet Voldemort alone! How he always wanted to do everything alone and how furious that made her.
She told him about her torture at Malfoy Manor, the look on Draco's face when he saw them, and the shock at the lie Draco told to buy them time. She told him about her scar and the pain she felt in her bones whenever the weather changed. She told him about her nightmares and how her Boggart changed.
She told him about her depression, anxiety, and post traumatic stress she was suffering from and how isolated she feels whenever she has an episode.
He told her that he suffers too and how he deals with it by playing music.
He told her about his mother, and how he only remembers her in his dreams. How full of love she was and how it broke him when she died. How he was sure his father was involved and that's why he never joined the Death Eaters.
They talked, and cried, and held each other all night before greeting the dawn in each other's arms.
—
Memory 7: 2 years, 4 months after the war: falling in love
Theo played music for her every night, guitar, piano, bass, drums, saxophone, even the harmonica once or twice.
Theo dealt with his darkness through music. His songs were often dark and foreboding, dripping with melancholy, and deeply moving. The only time his songs were joyful were the songs about her. He filled up journals with songs about her. He wrote songs about her eyes, her hair, and her body. He did indeed write songs about her breasts but he was never able to finish playing them before they stopped to make love.
He learned how to play all her favorite songs and serenaded her nightly. Lullabying her to sleep when her nightmares terrified her.
He played her all the 90's R & B love songs from American artists that she liked. That had her heart beating through her chest and her panties soaked with need. It was insanely sexual. They were often caught by Pansy making love on the stairs or fucking on the table ignoring her expletives with a quick "muffilato."
She couldn't get enough of him. He awakened a fire in her heart and then slowly stoked the fire until it was roaring. Then he poured gasoline until her entire world was engulfed in the flames.
This was what she wanted her life to be like forever.
He challenged her intellectually and brought about a passionate side to herself that she barely recognized.
She woke up one morning in his arms to find him staring at her. The window was open letting the breeze blow across her skin, and all she could think in that moment was how perfect her life felt, how amazing it felt to be wrapped up in him physically and emotionally. How she had never before felt so naked and vulnerable with a person and how right everything was between them. She smiled up at him.
"Hermione," He said, "I love you."
"I love you too," She smiled.
—
Memory 8: 2.5 years after the war: finding out about the baby
It started out like any other ordinary day. They woke up naked and made love before breakfast. Gasping together when they both came down from their high. She kissed every single drop of sweat off of his skin, and he traced every freckle on her body with his tongue.
It was a wonderful morning like it always was when they were together. He slowly made her breakfast and she grinned at him over her coffee.
When she took a sip of her coffee, something felt off. Was the coffee bad? Ugh. She couldn't drink it, it tasted awful.
"Theo, I think something's wrong with the coffee, it tastes terrible!"
"Hmm," He said, "it tastes fine to me." He took a sip of her coffee, "tastes normal."
"I feel miserable all of a sudden, I think I'm going to go lay down. You have that paperwork with the solicitor to go over today right?"
"Yes, and then we can leave to celebrate our anniversary. I hope you're not too under the weather to celebrate."
"No, I'm sure I'll be fine. I just need to lay down while you're gone."
He kissed her quickly across the forehead, there was a brightness in his eyes that wasn't usually there.
"You seem happy about something?" She questioned.
"There are so many beautiful reasons to be happy," He quoted, before kissing her hand and heading for the floo.
She smiled to herself despite her nausea. She felt like she could go sleep for hours. Instead she lay on the bed writing in her journal:
What life am I living? Will I ever return home again? No. That's not home anymore. Home is with Theo. He is my home and my heart.
After another hour she tried to eat something again. Ugh. This tastes terrible too. She ran through her mind all the possible illness related to nausea. Food poisoning, stomach flu, stomach virus, cramps, PMS, wait a second… holly crap she missed her period!
How could she have possibly forgotten about her period! She was, 1, no, 2 weeks late!
Oh my Gods I'm pregnant, she thought. That night! When they went to the party, she had taken her potion, hadn't she? They had gotten extremely drunk that night and she had moment where she thought she was going to take a double dose of her potion, so she didn't drink it. What if she never drank it? Could she be that stupid? She took a breath.
She grabbed her wand and whispered the spell. The glow was all the confirmation she needed. She was pregnant. After a few moments of her heart beating rapidly in her chest, she evaluated her emotions.
She was happy. She was excited! She was thrilled! But what would Theo think?
—
Memory 9: 2.5 years after the war: the night she left
Hermione felt the apprehension mix with the nausea she had felt all day. Should she just spring it on him? Hey we are pregnant! You're going to be a dad! You're trapped with me. Your life as you know it is gone.
Would he think it was a mistake? Would he tell her he wanted nothing to do with her and he baby? What would she do if he didn't want the baby?
She was overthinking things. Of course he would be excited. He was in love with her. He called her his soulmate! He told her constantly that she was his forever. Certainly that included children! Right?
"Hey, are you feeling any better? You've been quiet all day." He had just finished giving her the tour of the vacation home where they were staying for their anniversary.
"What?" She asked. She was distracted. She hadn't even noticed anything about the house.
He put his paperwork on the table, and took off his jacket before hanging it on the chair. Then he came back over to her and pulled her into a hug.
"Is this because I have to go back to meet with the solicitor? I'm really sorry I can't get out of it. It shouldn't be more than a few hours. I really wanted this week to be special."
"It is special Theo! And I'm not upset with you I promise. I just… it's just that… I'm… I…" she sighed.
"I'm really still feeling kind of off from this morning. I'm sure everything will be fine tomorrow. Why don't you take the time to finalize everything and then we can enjoy our time here without any distractions." She chickened out. She told herself she would tell him tomorrow in some romantic way.
No, blurting it out really wasn't the right way to go about things. This would change their lives forever. She wanted it to be the perfect moment when she told him.
"In all the world, there is no heart for me like yours. In all the world, there is no love for you like mine." He said as he kissed her farewell.
"Maya Angelou?" She asked him and he winked back in acknowledgment.
She kissed him deeply again, "I love you like mad Theo."
"And I You." He replied as he walked to the floo, she didn't know then that those would be the last words they would speak to each other for a very long time.
—
Memory 10: 2.5-3 years after the war: Ron's apartment
Ron walked into his apartment to a surprise.
"Hermione? It's so great to see you!" He rushed over to her before noticing her tear stained face and then surveyed her to find muggle casts? What on Earth happened to her?
"What happened? Why are you back? How did you get hurt? Why didn't you go to St. Mungos? Let me heal some of your injuries. Why did you break into my flat?"
He walked over to her and started healing the minor bumps and bruises. He was able to heal the rib injuries as well.
"That's all I can do without some medical potions. Why aren't you saying anything?"
She stood up to his full height and wrapped him in a hug.
"Thank you Ron. Can I stay here for a while? I don't want anyone knowing I'm back."
"Sure Mione but what happened?"
"That is none of your business. Take out your wand. I want you to make a wizard's oath." She had a desperate fierceness to her eyes that gave Ron pause.
Ron was concerned but he trusted Hermione and usually tried to stay out of any emotional turmoil.
"Alright." He brought out his wand and held her hand, repeating the vows as she said them.
"I, Ronald Bilius Weasley, do solemnly swear to keep the knowledge of Hermione Jean Granger's return a secret until she herself reveals that she is back in town. I swear to block my floo and keep people from entering the flat while she is in hiding. I swear to make excuses for my lack of hospitality and reroute all owls to my office. I swear to keep my family and friends in the dark, especially Molly Weasley and Harry Potter."
"Thank you Ron. I've already rerouted the owls and blocked up the floo for you. You'd better go tell your family something. She gave him a sad smile, before going into the guest room."
Surprisingly his family was easy to throw off at first. He merely said his floo needed to be repaired and that he had a big project at work that he needed to focus on.
Harry was another story. Hermione wrote about the exchange in her journal after Ron relayed what happened.
"Why are you lying Ron?" Harry asked him.
"I'm not bloody lying, just because no one told you about the project doesn't mean it's not very important and time consuming."
"I'm the head of the department Ron. I'm not an idiot. Just tell me what is going on and I'll leave you alone."
"Fine! I'm dating someone. She's not ready to meet anyone. It's too soon, and too much pressure."
Harry grinned.
"That's all you had to say mate! I want details soon though."
Ron groaned.
Hermione frowned when she finished writing. She felt badly that he was forced to lie to Harry, but the last thing she wanted was Harry's meddlesome ways getting involved. No, this was the best way she could handle things with the state of her heart. She started crying again and turned on the music loudly.
"Hermione!" He called out when he got home. He saw her immediately upon entering. She had purchased a muggle CD player and was playing the song, "killing me softly" by Fugees on repeat. Crying. And eating something out of a bowl. When did she even leave the flat he wondered?
Whenever the chorus would play she would sing out loudly.
"Strumming my pain with his fingers
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life with his words
Killing me softly with his song"
Then she would burst into tears as the song started to play again. Ron figured out she was eating cookie dough. He had healed all her physical injuries the week before but apparently she still had some emotional healing to do. Ron ran his hands through his hair nervously.
"Hermione, can you turn the music down? I want to talk to you." This was really not his area of expertise. He wished Harry or Ginny were here to help with this mess.
"Shut your face Ronald! This doesn't concern you!" She bawled, turning the music up louder.
"Bloody hell. I will give you 1 month to get yourself together, then I want answers. I'll leave you alone for now, but I'm here to talk Mione if you feel like talking." He walked away deep in thought. Some bastard must have broken her heart. That was the only explanation. What bloke had done this to his friend?
The days passed much the same for Hermione during this time. Ron would go to work, sometimes flooing home on his lunch break to bring her lunch and check on her.
She mostly refused the food, but occasionally binged on ice cream or cookie dough and she had not showered in quite some time. Ron would find her passed out next to bottles of wine, liquor, even some muggle beer once or twice. She didn't do it every day so he tried to table his concerns. But he was slowly getting more and more worried.
She would wake him up screaming from nightmares, thrashing around in her bed. Ron would hold her and whisper that it was alright. Eventually succumbing to singing the only song that made her feel better, or worse? He wasn't sure, but he sang it to her anyways:
"I heard he sang a good song, I heard he had a style
And so I came to see him, to listen for a while
And there he was, this young boy, a stranger to my eyes"
She usually fell back asleep by the time he reached the chorus which was a relief to Ron. He was in way over his bloody head.
It wasn't until Hermione stopped crying that he decided to do something. It had been a week since she uttered a word, or cried any tears. She just stared into the fire, not eating, not sleeping, and worst of all not reading. He headed to Hogwarts.
When he got back he turned off the music and sat right in front of her.
"Hermione, your month is up."
The tears started filling her eyes again, "I can't, Ron, I can't talk about it. You don't understand, no one will ever understand."
"It's okay. If you don't want to talk to me I have a solution for you. I stopped by Hogwarts today and spoke with Madam Pomphry."
"You WHAT? How are you still alive?" She glared at him through her tears.
"I didn't say anything about you okay. Look, after I briefly told her of someone I knew, a friend of a friend, that she has never met before and how that person was struggling and that I didn't know what to do, she mentioned that one of the first years had a muggle mother that is a therapist. You would be able to talk with her about everything since her daughter is a witch. She also has a younger son who is a wizard. I really think she could help you. You're scaring me Mione. I don't know what happened to you, but you need to talk to someone."
She glared at him some more.
"What if you never get better Mione? What if you're like this forever? Do I need to worry about you bloody offing yourself?"
"What? How dare you! You are so insensitive. Never joke about suicide Ron!" She pounded into his chest with her fists.
He grabbed her wrists, "I'm NOT JOKING!" He yelled at her before releasing her to the couch.
"I am seriously concerned that you are in that state of mind. YOU NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP!"
She broke. She sobbed and sobbed, clutching a couch pillow to her face in between squeaks.
"You're right. You're right. You're right." She whimpered over and over.
Ron ran his hand through his hair again.
"Is it about a bloke Mione? Did some bastard break your heart?"
He handed her the therapist's card.
She didn't answer him, instead she stared into the fire some more as the music played in the background:
"Strumming my pain with his fingers
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life with his words
Killing me softly, with his words"