Skyfall

Chapter Seventeen

Harvey led her out to the patio, where they were going to eat dinner. The table was set with Champagne and candles.

"This looks so nice." She leaned in to him and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "What is for dinner?"

"I don't know." He shrugged. "Dinner is being catered by a private chef so whatever it is, it should hopefully be good."

"Really? You hired a private chef?"

"Yeah." He nodded. "I didn't want you to feel like you had to cook on your birthday, and I can't make anything fancy enough to honor you the way you deserve. Besides, I didn't want to be away from you in the kitchen for that long."

"So you did all of this for me?"

He looked over at her and nodded. "Of course I did. By now you've got to know. There's nothing I wouldn't do or give to you."

He saw the look that flashed across her face and realized what he said. He told her he would do anything for her, but according to her that wasn't true because she still thought he never wanted to have kids. He'd been thinking about kids a lot recently. Katie's death had put some things in perspective while it threw others into a tailspin. They needed to talk about it and finally put an end to their avoidance of this issue.

He went over and pulled out her chair for her, watching as she sat down. "Tonight we are not only celebrating your birthday, but also the fact that you are joining us as a name partner." He held up his glass. "To Pearson Specter Litt Monroe. I think it has a nice ring to it."

She wordlessly picked up her glass and clinked it with his before drinking.

He was about to say something else when the chef appeared with food.

"Good evening. My name is Jacques. I am delighted to be here to celebrate your birthday." He smiled at Rebecca.

"Thank you." She smiled back.

"Tonight your first course is wild mushrooms in garlic butter on a toasted brioche." He put the food down in front of Rebecca first and then Harvey.

"This looks good." Harvey spoke up.

"Yes, it does." She nodded, taking a bite.

"So we should probably talk about the elephant in the room, shouldn't we?" He asked after a few moments of them eating in silence.

"We don't have to talk about it." She shook her head.

"I just mean we need to have another talk about kids, don't we?"

He watched her sigh and put down her fork.

"I knew what you mean. But first of all, I'm not sure I want to have this conversation on my birthday. Second, I'm not sure what has changed since the last time we talked about this. Third…"

"Alright." He interrupted her. "I think you've made your point."

"I don't think I have." She shook her head. "I appreciate that you want to talk about it. But unless something has changed, there is no good reason to keep bringing it up."

Jacques chose this time to come back with the second course. "For the main entrée, we have a char grilled, dry aged sirloin steak. That is served with a whiskey peppercorn sauce. We also have cheesy mashed potatoes and steamed broccoli."

Harvey waited until Jacques had disappeared back into the kitchen before he spoke again.

"I'm really not trying to make you mad."

"And yet here we are." She rolled her eyes. "I've been perfectly fine avoiding the kids question with you the past few weeks.

"I have too." He admitted. "But look, having kids isn't a simple as a yes or no question to me."

"I'm painfully aware of that." She sighed.

"It's much more complicated than that."

"But why do we have to have this conversation right now?"

"Because we need to always be honest with each other." He answered.

"You're really not going to let this go? Even though it is my birthday?" She questioned with a chuckle.

"No." He shook his head. While he had to admit that the timing was bad, he firmly believed that they needed to hash this out once and for all. He really had been thinking about this a lot the past few weeks and he needed to be honest with her. "I'm sorry but I'm not dropping this. You said I should always come to you with my thoughts and feelings. This is me coming to you with those."

"Ok." She chuckled again. "I did say that, so I'd be a pretty shitty person if I shot you down the first time you try to engage in conversation with me."

He could see that she had given up.

"Go on then." She gave him a small smile.

"Do you remember the second day of our honeymoon? More specifically the afternoon? With the hammock?"

"Yes." She nodded with a soft chuckle. "How could I forget that? I've never loved a hammock more in my entire life than that day."

"I'm pretty sure I've died and gone to heaven." Rebecca laughed, snuggling closer to him on the hammock as they laid together in the shade.

He moved and looked at the tiny bikini she was wearing. "I think you stole my line because seeing you in that bikini is enough to make me think I'm either dreaming or dead."

She let her hand graze his member, which sprang to life at her touch.

"Nope." She grinned back. "You're definitely not dead."

It was their second day at the private Villa he rented for them in the Bahamas. It was a large, sprawling villa with an open floor plan. There were two bedrooms and many hard surfaces for them to have sex on. They decided early on to see how many of the surfaces they could have sex on, kind of like a fun game.

The villa was on a small, private island and on a whim he decided to rent all four of the villas on the island so they could have free reign of the island for the week of their honeymoon.

This afternoon they were laying in the hammock together, resting up and relaxing. This was the first vacation he had taken from work in years. The last time he took a vacation was years ago. Jessica practically pushed him out of the door, thinking some time away would help him after the death of his father. But he was bored out of his mind because he was all alone. He was also grieving so he spent most of his time drinking and listening to his father's records. Now though, he was loving every minute of his vacation because he got to spend alone time with his favorite person in the world. And she was now his wife, tethered to him forever. That thought no longer scared him like it did in the past. Instead it excited him.

"Have you ever had sex on a hammock?" She asked.

"No." He chuckled, kissing the top of her head and gingerly caressing her back.

"Would you like to?"

"Of course I would." He told her. "But can we talk for a moment first?"

"Sure. What do you want to talk about?"

"I know I freaked out a couple of weeks ago, and I'm sorry."

She raised her head from his chest and propped herself up so she could look at him. "Harvey, it's ok."

"No, it's not." He shook his head. "It wasn't fair to you when I tried to call off the wedding like that. And I know the wedding didn't turn out the way you originally thought it would and I'm sorry. It wasn't fair to you and you deserved better than that."

"It all turned out ok though, so as far as I'm concerned it doesn't matter. We got married and that's what is important." She assured him. "Besides, you kept your promise to me…the one you made when you proposed. You came to me and you voiced your fears. You let us work through it and find a solution together. The man I picked up in that bar that night wouldn't have done that. He would have just told me we were through and walked away without looking back."

"I thought we agreed I picked you up in that bar." He playfully rolled his eyes.

"I think we both know that isn't how it happened. Stop trying to rewrite our history." She chuckled. "But seriously, Harvey, it's ok to have fears about something. It's normal. And I think you've come to a place where you feel comfortable enough expressing those fears to me in a healthier way than in the past. So I'm alright with you freaking out from time to time as long as we can be honest with each other about it because I love you more than anything in this world. And nothing you ever do or say is going to change that fact."

"I love you too." He leaned in to give her a soft kiss. "I'm the luckiest man in the world."

"Yeah. You probably are." She grinned and winked at him. "But I'd say I'm pretty lucky too though." A moment later she reached behind her and with one hand undid the tiny string keeping her bikini top on. Then she threw it onto the white sandy beach.

"Oh no." She feigned outrage. "My bikini top fell off and flew over there. Oops."

He smirked. "Maybe you should try to keep better track of your bikini."

She moved to straddle him and then undid the strings at both of her hips. It caused the bikini to loosen to the point where she grabbed it and threw it over where her top was. "Oh no. The same thing happened to my bikini bottom."

"Whatever am I going to do with you?" He laughed.

"I can think of seven things right off the top of my head, and that's without even really trying. Do I have to do everything?" She rolled her eyes after winking at him.

He grinned. Then he wrapped his arms around her, masterfully flipping her over in the hammock so that now he was on top of her. "No. Trust me…I have a list of more than just seven things I want to do to you."

"Then maybe we should stop talking and get cracking on banging out that list." She grinned.

"Oh there will be a lot of banging, Mrs. Specter." He told her before kissing her neck.

"Promises, promises, Mr. Specter…" She said, running her fingers through his hair.

"I haven't been entirely honest about why I am hesitant to have kids." He told her. "It's not fair to you and honestly, we need to work on a solution to this kids issue before it becomes a bigger problem.

"Ok." She said slowly. "You're right about it becoming a bigger problem. I don't want that either."

"Good. It's true that I am worried about our relationship changing. I love the life we have together right now and changing it does concern me. I'm a selfish man. I'll admit that. I don't like to share you with anyone. If we have kids, I'm afraid they will be your top priority, followed by work and then I'll be third on the list." He stated.

"Harvey…" She reached out and put her hand on his hand. "There's no way you would ever be third on my list of priorities. I'm sorry for anything I may have done to make you think that. But you have always been at the top of my list. I know you haven't always believed that because of the time that I spend at work, but it's the truth."

"I know." He nodded. "But just like you aren't able to let the Mike issue completely go out of your mind, I can't let that thought completely go out of mine. I also just…I don't think I would be a very good father."

"What? That's a crazy thought. How can you think that? You would be an amazing father, Harvey. You really would."

"I don't know what I'm doing. When we were babysitting Lily and James, you seemed to know exactly what to do. But I have no clue about any of it. And when we were in Boston, I had no idea what to say to Olivia or Ethan. But you somehow knew exactly what they needed to hear." He confessed.

"I don't really know what I'm doing either." She told him. "I just fake it because that's what you have to do to get through it. The important part is that kids know they are loved. While Lily and James are too young to really show that clearly, I know for a fact that Olivia and Ethan love you and they know you love them too. You don't give yourself enough credit. You're much better with kids than you think you are."

"Look, my father wasn't perfect." He continued. "He was away a lot when we were growing up. But I always knew he loved us. I also knew we mattered to him. My mom…well she was great growing up until I found out that it was all a lie. She didn't love my dad…she couldn't have and still have done what she did. And she couldn't have loved me and still asked me to lie for her like that."

"Harvey…"

"I know." He sighed. "You think I need to let go of my anger towards my mom."

"Well…maybe. But that's not what I was going to say this time." She shook her head. "I was going to say that I know your childhood wasn't perfect. You know that mine wasn't either. And I can understand how everything that happened could make you question your own ability to be a good parent. But you have to trust me when I tell you this. You could be a great father, if you wanted to be. But I'm not sure you want to."

She paused for a moment. "And honestly, I've been thinking about this a lot lately too. I'm done trying to convince you to do something you don't want to do and clearly aren't ready to do. I'm done feeling like I am practically begging you to want to have a baby with me. You said that having kids wasn't as simple as a yes or a no answer. But you're wrong."

She chuckled softly. "It is a yes or a no question. You're either ready and willing or you aren't. And you aren't."

"I want to be." He said quietly. "I don't think you understand how much I want to be ready and willing. I want to give you everything you have ever wanted and I know you want kids. But…"

"It's ok." She said.

He could see she was trying not to cry and he hated being the reason for it. "Rebecca…"

"Harvey…please. Stop for a moment. Ok? I love you." She told him. "And what I told you in that hammock is as true today as it was then. I'm going to love you no matter what you do or what you say. If we end up not having kids, then I'll find a way to make peace with that because at least I'll still have you. While I can live without kids. I can't live without you. So the last thing I want to do is make this into such a big issue between us that it tears us apart."

"I don't want that either." He assured her.

"Good." She gave him a small smile. "So can you please do me a favor and stop talking about it tonight? It's my birthday and I'd like to be happy. Hell, I just made name partner and we're off on a romantic trip. Can't we just have a good time?"

"Ok." He nodded. "We can stop talking about it."

"Thank you." She smiled, leaning in and kissing him.