Skyfall

Chapter Eighteen

Later that night, Harvey stood on the balcony of the bedroom. He had a glass of scotch in his hand and was staring up at the sky. There wasn't a cloud in sight so all of the stars were visible.

After dinner they had sex and then ate her birthday cake. After another round of sex she fell asleep. He tried to go to sleep but found that it was difficult so he carefully slipped out of bed and came out to the balcony.

He didn't expect Rebecca to give up about having kids. The fact that she said she would give up her dream of having kids for him meant a lot. He knew from the look in her eyes when she said it that she meant it, though she shouldn't have to make that choice. She was meant to be a mom. Could he really deny her that just because he was scared?

He thought back to before they got married. He had freaked out about getting married and tried to convince her to just live together without putting the marriage label on their relationship. But she pushed him on the reason behind the sudden shift, causing him to explain himself.

It wasn't fair to her that she had to put up with his neurotic freak out.

Harvey woke up one morning and left the bedroom to find Rebecca at the table with piles of papers all around her. "What are you up to?"

"Just some last minute wedding details that need to be figured out." She said. "I'm so thankful you didn't want to have a very big wedding, but I'm starting to think maybe we should have hired a wedding planner because there are still a lot of tiny details to go over and they are driving me crazy. And I can't rely on Donna to do everything because I feel like she has done more than her fair share of helping already."

He came over to her and kissed the top of her head. "Well we could just not get married. That would solve the planning issues."

She laughed. "Yeah…not get married. That's a good one."

"It wasn't a joke. I was actually kind of serious." He told her, watching as she looked up at him.

"What do you mean you were kind of serious?" She asked.

"I've just been thinking about it and wondering if we really need to get married."

"Harvey, we're supposed to get married in two weeks. Is there something you aren't telling me?"

He was silent because he wasn't sure what to say at this point.

"Do you still want to get married?" She asked.

"I…I love you and I know I want to be with you forever. Let's get that straightened out." He started to explain. "But I have been thinking lately that maybe we don't actually have to get married. Maybe we could just live together and be together without the label."

He watched as the look on her face didn't change. She was still looking at him like she wanted to strangle him.

"Ok. What's going on here?" She asked in a softer tone.

"What do you mean?" He asked.

"Something must have triggered this freak out." She explained. "What was it? Did I do something? Did I say something? Did someone else say something? What exactly happened? Because I know you were excited about marrying me before. Now all of a sudden you want me call it all off. So why? What happened to make you freak out like this?"

"Nothing happened and no one is responsible for this." He assured her.

"Well something has obviously happened!" She sighed. Without another word she closed the gap between them and threw her arms around his neck. "Look, I love you Harvey and I'm here for you. But I won't lie. I want to be your wife. I don't want to just be some woman who lives with you and sleeps with you every night. And I thought this was what you wanted to when you proposed. So what can we do to make this better and help you get over this?"

"I'm just scared." He finally admitted out-loud.

"What are you scared of?" She asked, moving her arms to her sides. "Is it me?"

"I'm not scared of you." He caressed her cheek and gave her a small smile.

"Well good." She smiled. "Because you have nothing to be scared of with me. I'm in this forever with you. You are stuck with me. You jump…I jump, Jack."

He laughed at her Titanic reference. "I know."

"So if you aren't scared of me, is it the wedding itself?" She questioned.

"You know I usually loved attention. But the idea of standing up in front of people and being vulnerable in front of them…professing my undying love to you…it's making me panic. I'm scared of it. I know it's irrational but it's the truth."

"Ok." She nodded. "I know you never wanted a large wedding and that's fine. But I thought we had scaled it back enough to only include the people that matter the most to us. Do we need to make it smaller?"

"We can't make it any smaller without hurting people's feelings." He pointed out with a chuckle. "The guest list has already been cut down to 25 people. We cut it down any more than that and we might as well elope."

"Would that help?" She asked. "Because if it would help, I'd gladly elope with you. I'd elope with you right now."

"You'd elope?"

"Absolutely." She nodded without a moment of hesitation. "Would that help?"

"It would actually." He nodded after thinking about it for a moment. "It didn't register with me until recently that we'd be standing in front of everyone declaring our feelings about each other for everyone to hear. It's kind of my worst nightmare."

"Because you don't like to be vulnerable around others." She surmised.

"And I know that we pared the guest list down to just the people that are most important to us. But even the thought of standing in front of them and professing my love for you freaks me out." He explained.

"Ok. You do realize that everyone we have invited to the wedding already knows that you are incredibly in love with me and can't live without me anyway though, right?" She teased, winking at him.

He chuckled. "I know. But for some reason it still freaks me out."

"Ok." She nodded. "So let's elope then."

"I don't want to do that to you." He shook his head. "I know how hard you have worked on this wedding with Donna and I know you have been looking forward to it."

"Actually…" She chuckled. "Donna has been doing most of the planning. And I have been looking forward to being your wife more than the actual wedding ceremony. There are only three things I care about concerning this wedding. They are wearing my wedding dress, saying I do, and going on our honeymoon so we can spend a whole week together with absolutely no interruptions from anyone. The first two things I can do anytime…anywhere."

"Are you sure?" He asked.

"Harvey…" She wrapped her arms around his neck and smiled. "I'd marry you today if I could. To me getting married isn't about doing it in front of the people you care about, it's about making a commitment to the person you care about the most. To me, that person is you."

It wasn't fair to her that she missed out on getting a real wedding because he was panicking, just like it wasn't fair to her to keep her from being a mom because he was panicking. He knew what he had to do.

"What's wrong? Why aren't you in bed?"

He heard Rebecca's sleepy voice come up from behind him so he turned around. "I couldn't sleep. But you should go back to bed and get some sleep."

"No." She shook her head and took a deep breath. "Too late. I'm up. So tell me. Why can't you sleep?"

"I've just got a lot on my mind." He explained.

"Like what?" She yawned.

"It can wait until tomorrow." He assured her. "You should go back to bed."

"I don't want to." She shook her head. "I don't want to be in that big bed all alone, especially now that I know something is bothering you."

He could see that she was starting to wake up fully and felt bad that she was missing out on sleep. "I was just thinking about our conversation from dinner tonight."

"Oh." She chuckled before taking his drink and chugging the rest of it. "This again?"

"Yeah." He nodded, wrapping his arm around her waist and pulling her towards him.

"I thought we settled that."

"I don't want to be the reason you don't get to be a mom."

"Harvey…I thought we also agreed to not talk about this on my birthday."

"We did." He nodded. "But technically it is after midnight and isn't your birthday anymore."

"Damn technicality." She laughed.

"It still bothers me."

He watched her close her eyes and sigh deeply.

"I don't know what else you could possibly want from me." She told him. "I'm being as supportive and understanding as I can possibly be."

"I know that. You're being amazing about this." He assured her. "But it isn't about you. It's about me. You told me that you would be ok without having kids as long as you had me. Were you telling the truth?"

"Of course I was." She kissed his cheek. "I love you Harvey. I meant every word."

"Then give me six months."

"Six months for what?" She questioned.

"To wrap my head around fatherhood." He explained. "Give me six months before we try to have kids."

"Are you sure about this?" She asked in a soft voice.

"I'm sure." He nodded.

"Don't joke with me about this."

"It's not a joke." He told her. "The world deserves a little girl who is just like you."

"Or a little boy just like you?" She grinned.

"I love you Rebecca."

She gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. "What made you decide to do this?"

"I thought back to our wedding day and I realized that between that time and others, you have consistently let your desires take a backseat to my freak-outs. I don't want this to be one of those times." He explained. "I want to give you everything you want in this world and everything you deserve."

"While I appreciate that more than you know, I don't want you to put yourself in a position where you're going to have kids with me simply because you think that will make me happy. We both have to want this or else it's just going to backfire later on. I don't want to push you into anything that you aren't ready for or don't want. Having kids is a big responsibility. It's not like getting a puppy."

"You aren't pushing me into anything." He promised. "I just need some time before we start trying. That's all. I just need some time to wrap my head around it. Maybe spending some extra time with some kids would help."

"We could always babysit Mike and Rachel's kids. They would love that. We could also go up to Boston to check on Ethan and Olivia a few times." She suggested.

"That sounds like a good plan." He nodded.

"Ok." She nodded. "So you are sure that you want this?"

"I'm sure."

"Harvey…I need you to be completely, 100% honest with me about it. Are you absolutely sure that you are doing this because you want to and not because you want to make me happy?"

"I am 100% positive about this." He explained. "Besides, even if I suck as a father at least they will have one good parent." He leaned in and started to kiss her neck. "You know, since we are both awake now…"

"You want to go find a surface we haven't had sex on yet?" She asked.

"Only if it's something you want as well." He replied.

"I think I know the perfect spot." She grinned.