Tuesday was when it all went to hell in a handbag.
Hermione met Luna at one of their usual spots for lunch. She was already anxious to make amends with her flighty friend and didn't really know how to articulate all that she was feeling in regards to Luna being matched with Theo. She spent all morning pouring her feelings into her work in the lab and was relieved to be left on her own for the morning.
The problem was Luna was perceptive and honest. Hermione was actually scared of what she had to say. Nothing prepared her for the actuality of the lunch.
"Hermione!" Luna smiled warmly hugging her friend with joy.
"Hi Luna! It's so good to see you. I've missed you terribly."
"Oh. Do you see the nargles trying to get in your brain again? That will never do. I have something for you!"
"What?" Hermione was curious and derailed from her plan to lay everything out on the table.
Luna cast a notice-me-not charm and muffliato before reaching into her bag to hand Hermione a box.
"What is it?" Hermione asked, "you didn't need to get me anything."
"Oh! It's yours already you see, I was merely working on it for you. Expanding its capabilities of course." She beamed at Hermione.
Hermione opened the box and with horror saw her old time turner sitting nestled against tissue paper.
"Luna what is this?"
"I told you it's yours! I just improved it. This can now take you across many years if you wish, both backwards and forwards. Same rules still apply but I think it will make an exception for you. Yourself would understand you see."
"Myself?"
"When you go back in time."
"Luna! This is dangerous! I could alter time and my very existence."
"Oh no, never that. Yourself would know when she saw the time turner." She smiled again at Hermione.
"You want me to go back in time and do what?" Hermione asked still shocked.
"It's not for me Hermione. It's yours. This way you have a real choice and opportunity in the matter."
"What matter?"
"The matter with Theo of course" she patted Hermione's hand.
"Theo." Hermione repeated closing her eyes.
"But Luna, what are you doing? You are with Theo. I'm with Draco."
"Perhaps." She agreed.
—
Hermione was pacing around Ron's flat when he walked in.
"Mione? What's going on? How do you keep breaking into my flat?" He asked.
She was muttering to herself, "no, no, no. I can't."
Ron came over to clutch her hands.
"Did something happen? Is Draco okay?"
"Wanker fuck bollocks shite arse tits." She replied.
He would have laughed at her if she didn't seem so distraught.
"Sit on the couch, I'll get you a cup of tea."
When he came back holding a steaming mug, Hermione calmed down barely enough to tell him what was going on. She was hysterical as she tried to explain. She showed him the time turner and told him about the alterations Luna made.
"So are you going to do it?" He asked when she finished.
"I don't know… how am I supposed to decide something like this? I love Draco. I LOVE him Ron but it's… it's Theo. How do I decide what to do? Tell me what to do!"
"I can't tell you what to do Mione. This is your decision to make. Only you know what will make you truly happy. But I can offer some advice. I think you should talk to Draco about this."
"What? NO! He will be furious that I'm even entertaining this idea. I could never break his heart like that."
"But you are entertaining this idea. You need to be honest with him and tell him what is going on."
"No. I'm sorry Ron but I can't do that. I can't risk losing both of them. Why would she give this to me. I was happy again finally!"
"I want to go on record as saying this is a terrible fucking idea to keep this from Draco, but here is another piece of advice in case you decide to bloody listen to me about anything: take some time to think about your future. What does your future look like? That's all. Oh and please don't bollocks up my Pansy situation if you use that thing."
She hugged him. Then flooed back to the manor where she nervously attended her hospitality class.
—
When her class was finished she was restless, panicked, and scared. She decided to go for a walk around the manor grounds to think.
What was the right thing to do? Was the only reason she wasn't with Theo because of the baby? Yes. If she was honest with herself then yes. Would she still be with him if that had never happened? Yes. Of course. Yes.
Did she still love Theo? Yes… a part of her would always love Theo. Could she fall back in love with him if she went back in time and took her birth control potion? Yes. Would she be happy with him? Yes. Did she want to go down that road? She wasn't sure.
Did she love Draco more than Theo? Yes. Did she love Draco more than she loved Theo back then? She wasn't sure. How can you measure something you tried so hard to forget? She didn't remember how it felt at the height of her love for Theo to compare the two properly.
Was she excited about her future with Draco? Yes. Was she more happy with Draco than she was with Theo? She wasn't sure.
Gods! This was difficult. How was she supposed to make this decision? If she stayed with Draco, would she have regrets about Theo? She didn't know. If she went back with Theo, would she have regrets about a lost life with Draco? Yes. Luna offered her a way to get everything she ever thought she wanted but she wasn't sure if it was still what she wanted.
She felt like she wanted them both! She wanted her life with Draco! She wanted a life with Theo. She could see and feel and almost taste them both. This was the worst and possibly best thing that had ever happened to her.
—
It was no surprise that Draco found it. Really she should have expected it immediately when she brought it back into the manor. She was a stupid girl. A stupid girl with no fucking idea how to have a functional healthy relationship. When Ronald Weasley is the voice of reason in your life, you know everything is seriously fucked.
"What the hell is this Hermione?" He held up the time turner with a look of pure betrayal on his face.
"Where did you get that?"
"From your nightstand."
"Why were you going through my stuff?"
"I was leaving you a present actually!" He held up the new journal. It made her heart clench. She was a stupid girl. She thought again.
"It's not what it looks like Draco." She was desperately trying to justify herself, to herself and to Draco.
"Are you going to use it?"
Hermione stared at the floor in silence.
"Are you going to use this?" He came over and lifted her chin to look in her eyes piercing her with his silver glare.
"I don't know." She reluctantly responded, tears building in her eyes.
"Are you going to go back to him?" He held her chin firmly forcing her to confront the issue, eyes rapidly moving back and forth to hers, begging her to say no.
"Do you love him more than me?" He asked finally.
"I don't know!" She yelled breaking apart at the seams. "I don't know what to do!" She was full on sobbing now as he released her chin.
"FUCK! Hermione. FUCK!"
"How could you even entertain this idea? Don't you know how much I love you? I thought you loved me too but I guess that was a lie." He sighed as he sat down on the couch.
Hermione said nothing but let the tears pour down her face. She didn't even attempt to wipe them away.
"Why would you consider this? WHY?"
"Draco… I'm sorry. I'm just confused. This is really emotional for me to think about."
"Were you even going to tell me about it? Or were you just going to disappear all of a sudden from my life?"
Hermione fell to the ground as she sobbed.
"No I don't think you were, were you? So much for Gryffindor bravery. I never expected you to be such a coward."
"I'm sorry. Draco! I'm sorry. Would you have me just make this decision lightly without really knowing what I want? If I don't think this through then I will ALWAYS wonder if I did the right thing. I'll always wonder if I'm living a lie, if I would be happier living a different life! Is that what you want? Blind declarations? Lies? Is that what you want?"
"What I want is a fiancé that doesn't even have to think about it because she loves me and is happy with me, but I guess that's too much to ask. Right?"
"Nothing about this is simple. I need time to figure this out. I won't make this decision rashly, and if you thought I'd be any different than you don't even know me at all." She crosses her arms defiantly.
He was furious as he walked away from her.
"Where are you going?" She asked through her tears.
"I'm giving you time to think." And he coldly left the room.
—
Draco walked up to Harry in their old flat.
"I'm sleeping here tonight." He flatly told his old roommate.
"What on earth could she have done that you decided the manor was too small with her in it."
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Draco I know Hermione, whatever she did, she will feel awful and apologize profusely in no time. Usually all it takes is being in the same room with her before she caves."
"This isn't fixed with a simple apology Potter!"
"What are you talking about?" Harry stood up and put a comforting hand on his shoulder.
"She's going to leave me." He said.
Harry pulled him into a hug pointedly ignoring the sobs coming from Draco as he let go of his anguish.
"She's going to leave me and there's nothing I can do about it."
"How?"
"Time turner."
Harry gasped, stepping back to give Draco room to sit on the couch.
"Is she really going to leave you or do you just assume she is going to leave you?"
"I know she's going to." He said glumly.
"Why?"
"Because the only reason she's not with him is because she forgot her contraceptive potion one night, she goes back and makes sure her younger self drinks it and then that's that. They are married and happy together. You know the worst part about it Potter?"
Harry waited for him to go on.
"It's that I won't even know our relationship existed! This tattoo will disappear, and I'll be married off to some other damn witch of the light with no clue what Hermione even meant to me. With no idea of anything we even had together. With no memory of how happy we were and how desperate I am for her. How can I feel so bloody much for her and she is torn between me and some other bloke. Fuck!"
"I really don't think Hermione will go through with this. She loves you, I know she does. She's happy with you, I can see it written all over her face. She's TOLD me how much you mean to her so don't sell yourself short. You can still fight for her Draco. Don't just roll over and let her leave. Remind her what you have together and tell her to stay."
Draco sighed, "I'm not pathetic Harry. I won't stand in her way if she wants to leave and I don't want to be someone's second choice."
"Fight for her Draco." Harry grabbed a bottle of fire whiskey and poured him a glass. He downed it gratefully.
"I won't stand in her way." He repeated to his solemn looking friend.