2.1: Medical Minor Pt. 2

Blossom waited for about 10 minutes in the clammy, windowless office. She hated it. She was no waiter. She almost got down from the torture bench and walked away, but the door creaked open just as the idea entered her head. A tall blonde dude in a hazmat, yes, a hazmat suit with a gas mask attachment, strolled in and removed his respiration helmet. Her pink eyes glaring into his blues told him all he needed to know. It made him nervous and chuckly.

"Sorry I'm late, Miss Utonium. I was with some of the dudes in the research lab, messing around with some weird blood pathogen..." He began to shed the rest of the suit. At least he came prepared with his lab coat underneath. "...now that I think about it, should've probably passed through decontamination. Ah shit, sorry, ma'am, the name is Dr. Boomer Jojo... you can call me 'Dr. Boom."

"Why in the hell would you ask that of patients?"

"No reason, whatsoever... unless it's for calming purposes, I would guess."

"Okay look, I'm gonna be honest with you, doc: I don't want to hear more stupidity than I have to. My ear hurts enough without my brain aching."

"Ah yes, of course. We all have a problem with our years from time to time, don't we now? Brush your hair aside so I can get a good look." As she complied, he fiddled through a drawer and pulled out a sizable specula. She had the most befuddled look on her face.

"What, do you want me to lean back and spread my legs? What does that have to do with my ear?"

"I don't need to know about your- what?"

"You must have me confused with a gynaecology patient, I didn't sign on for this, today. Not in the right frame-of-mind, either. Not even close."

"I'm not goin' downtown today, Miss Utonium. I'm sticking to my word guns and probing your ear." The poor bastard was now more confused than she was.

"Then explain why you pulled that out!"

"I gotta go deep into your ear. Standard operating procedure, or something."

"YOU SPREAD LEGS WITH SPECULAS, NOT EARS, YOU MEDICAL RETARD!" Blossom swatted his hand away from her head. The controversial instrument fell from his grasp and clanged hard on the tile floor.

"Well Jesus, if you're gonna try and bust my feelings like a pinata, maybe I just won't help you."

"Nonono, I'm sorry for snapping like that, Dr..."

"Dr. What, exactly?"

"Do I have to say it?"

"It'll be a step in the right direction. If you say it, there's less of a chance that I'll, 'fuck up," he air-quoted for some disturbing reason. She took a deep, calming breath (her yoga master had taught her well), and sighed deeply.

"I'm sorry for snapping like that... Dr. Boom."

"BOOYAKASHAA! You said it! I got ya' ta' say it!" He blasted as he pointed directly into her face, nearly perforating her already shattered ear. He opened and leaned out his office door and shouted "Hey, all you cunts in the maternity ward owe me twenty bucks!" down the hallway at the top of his lungs. He returned to his senses. "Sorry. I just had to settle a bet I made with some staff... now, according to my chart, you're here for an ear infection?"

Burning red with fury, Blossom stormed out of the office, stomped home, and whack-a-moled Brick in the genitals for reasons neither could or ever would understand. Brick subsequently had to visit Dr. Buttercup to survey his bruised testicles. She insisted he refer to her as "Dr. Butt." They now have six children together on a farm in Nevada.

Due to the stress brought on by Blossom's visit, Boomer subsequently left the United States to "get away from it all" and fled to the Amazon rainforest, where he became a witch doctor for children of a lost tribe. On top of that, he has since become an advocate of herbal medicines and cannibalism, authoring three bestselling novels on each subject. Six groups of administrators have been sent to give him his awards, and none have returned.