The mind has strange ways to deal with pain.

I couldn't remember the walk back even if I tried. I was helping carry a stretcher, but I couldn't tell whose body was laid in it. My own grief was bottled up for me to deal with it later. There was a mix between numbness and awareness that made everything seem surreal: like I was seeing my actions through someone else's eyes, having no control over my own body or the scene around me.

There were plenty of people by the gates when we arrived. When I found the one I was looking for, I felt grateful for the state of suspension I was in. Lissa's face was so full of hope it was painful to watch as she counted the stretchers and came to the realization that there were people missing. My heart broke once again when she assessed the faces of the fallen and didn't find her best friend. I was watching her in my peripheral vision to avoid eye contact, but she wouldn't have it. Lissa walked in my direction and spoke, her voice demanding and furious.

"Why didn't you bring Rose back?" she asked.

Just breathe, Dimitri. I didn't stop walking and the Princess fell into step with me."Because she wasn't there" I answered, my voice sounding tired and hollow even for my ears. I even forgot to address her formally, by her title.

"What do mean, she wasn't there? Could she…" she hesitated, "… could she be alive? Could she have walked out of the caves? Because if she did, Dimitri, she is hurt and alone in the forest! We have to find her!"

I wished for the earth to split and swallow me. No such luck, though. "I am sorry, Princess, but if she was alive you'd still have the bond." She assessed my expression and I watched as she came to the same conclusion I had. Desperately, defying logic, she tried to argue like merely saying the words was enough to make them come true "They could have taken her with them, you know, like they did with the others in the first attack. For later, I mean" I could see her nails biting her upper arms, drawing some blood.

I had to kill her hope. It was unfair, it was cruel, but it was necessary. Gently, with my free hand, I pried her fingers away from her arms to stop her from hurting herself. Then, I looked around at the faces of my colleagues, who were watching us carefully, and found the green eyes of Janine Hathaway staring back at me. She just nodded. I couldn't read her expression but understood the message.

"She died before they had the opportunity to flee, Princess" Breathe. In, out. Breathe. "They wouldn't have carried her…" I hesitated, because thinking of Rose as a lifeless body was as painful as it was inconceivable "… corpse with them. Molly, a Moroi student we couldn't save, wasn't there either, even though she was dead when we found the caves. I am sorry, Lissa."

I was sure my expression mirrored the Princess'. The pain in her face was obvious, as well as anger and regret. She just stopped walking, giving in to the grief. Christian was by her side again and seeing them together made me feel more alone than ever.

Once we were back inside I was ordered to take a break until the meeting for the funeral's security arrangements. I didn't know what to do with myself and anxiety crept up. My heart and mind were racing and I was sweating. I had never been this desperate. Going to my room seemed wrong. The place was a chaotic mess. So was I. I knew that when I reached my destination I would have to deal with whatever was brooding inside me.

Unaware of my surroundings, I started wandering aimlessly through the school fields and it was only when I stopped in front of the little cabin in the woods that I understood what I needed. I walked through the door, stopping by the fireplace to light up a match and start a fire, just like I had the last time I was here. The warmth of the flames seemed wrong. Back in the day we made love for the first time, I was sure that the heat of her skin alone was enough to keep me warm for the rest of my life, and that the look in her eyes when I told her I loved her was enough to keep me going through anything.

Except that it wasn't. Not even the feeling of her in my arms could get me through losing her. I would always cherish those memories but they were nothing more than that. I needed to remember that Rose Hathaway had lived and loved me, even though she was a much better person than me. I was just a fucked up nobody, and yet she was able to see through my pretenses and find beauty. She was chaos in its purest form, but she felt like home.

I ran my hands through my hair, pulling it slightly. Her blood was on my hands. Every excuse I had made for myself, every argument we had about not being able to be together, seemed dim and stupid now, but part of it felt like a self-fulfilled prophecy. I told her I couldn't love her because it would get us both – and Lissa – killed. In the end, her love for me was her doom, and my love for her would surely be mine.

For a moment, it was like I was back at Victor Dashkov's van, going to a shopping trip to Missoula. Rose was by my side, excited to be out on the field for the very first time, wearing her beautiful hair up just like I had told her. I had felt energized just by being close to her, even if I was still denying my feelings, masking them as a mentor's pride. Lying to myself, pretending in front of others, I had made my very first promise. It was silent, just between the two of us, but it was huge nonetheless.

I knew what I had to do; I could mourn her later, when I knew that she was in peace, where she wanted to be. But could I hunt down the woman I loved? Could I drive a stake through her heart, the same heart that I once felt beating against mine?

I had to try. She would have done it if she was in my place. There would be hell to pay for if I came back, though. If people back at the Court heard about my vigilante mission, I would lose my position as Lissa's sanctioned Guardian. A desk job would be the only thing waiting for me when I came back.

I would have to leave Lissa alone, too, but as I once told Rose, I was done pretending that any Moroi's life could be more important to me than hers, even if it was Lissa's. It was worth it. I was sure even Lissa would understand. Not that I would tell her anything.

I sat down on the little bed, my eyes hurting from looking at the fire too long. The bedsheets were organized, just like we had left them. It seemed surreal to think that only two days ago I was truly happy for the first time in my life. I should have learned that nothing was permanent a long time ago, when Ivan passed and left me aching, hearing voices and hating myself. I shouldn't have assumed that Rose would be here forever, waiting for me to get my shit together. I should have fought for her.

Lovely, you sound like a broken record.

The funeral was the second in less than a year. Mason's had been considerably smaller than this one, but there was only one person to mourn. Every Guardian and every Moroi that had died in the attack and in the rescue mission were being honored. There were pictures of Rose and Molly and their names were said by the priest as he paid them respect, counting them among the dead. In the picture, Rose's smile was mischievous, her face confident, like when she knew that even though she messed something up, I would help her to fix it and get her out of trouble. She seemed a little younger than when we first met, but her eyes were just as bright. There were plenty of things around her photograph: flowers, trinkets, letters. She was loved. She was missed.

I found the Dragomir chotki amongst those things. My eyes wandered around, looking for Lissa. I found her with Christian and Adrian by her side. She looked hollow, haunted. I wondered if beneath the long sleeves of her sweater there would be cuts. Even Christian looked shaken, and I had never seen him look this sad. Adrian looked surprisingly sober. His eyes were red and he looked like he could use some sleep. So could I.

Janine was crying uncontrollably in a corner, a guy I had never met before by her side. His eyes and hair were exactly the same shade as Rose's, and I couldn't help but wonder if he was her father. Alberta wasn't very far. She loved Rose too and considered her like a daughter, so I wasn't really surprised to see that she looked miserable. Eddie Castille, another novice and one of Rose's closest friends, looked lost, like he just didn't know what to do with himself.

I didn't have anything to put beside Rose's photograph. Nothing had seemed right. The only things I had to give her were my body and soul, and she had claimed them a long time ago. So I just stared at her smile and thought about everything I had ever wanted to say to her but never had the opportunity to. That she was the most beautiful woman I knew; not only because of her looks but also because of her passion and commitment and love. She was smart, funny, and even though her sarcasm drove me mad, it was one of the things I loved most about her. She had changed me, turning tables inside my heart. There was no song, no poem, no piece of art that would ever compare to loving her and I was okay with that. It seemed fair.

People came and went as I paid my respects to her. I lost track of the time until I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was Janine's. I turned around to find her looking at me, her expression blank. "Guardian Hathaway," I greeted her.

She was looking into my eyes as if waiting for something. "I want to talk to you." She wasn't asking, but I wasn't expecting her to. I had no choice in the matter. I nodded, looking at Rose for the last time before turning away and leaving with her mother.

"I want to know if you and my daughter were involved," she demanded, "and don't lie to me, Belikov, because I'll know." Her eyes were fierce even through the obvious pain. I respected her too much to lie. And somehow denying my love for Rose seemed like a blasphemy against her memory. So I just stared back at her mother and nodded.

"We weren't together, not really," I explained, "Considering that both of us were going to be Lissa's guardians after her graduation, we knew it would be wrong to be in a relationship. There was also the matter of me being her mentor and our age difference. I tried really hard not to fall for her, but it was impossible. I loved you daughter. I still love her. She loved me too." Janine's blank expression was back as she assessed me.

"I could tell as much. She threw herself to an imminent death to save you, and you were about to do the same," her voice was detached from any emotions. "I want you to know that I don't blame you, Belikov. Rose wasn't a damsel in distress, she was a guardian, just like us. She made her choices and we have to honor them.

"I can see that you feel guilty every time you look at me, but I don't hate you. You didn't kill Rose; a Strigoi did. Be there for Lissa. Enjoy life it while it lasts. Enjoy it for Rose. I don't blame you for falling for her, either. It was impossible to know her and not to love her. Be thankful for that." She stopped walking and stared at me.

I didn't know what to do. I wasn't expecting this. How could I tell her that no matter what she said I would never forgive myself for what had happened? "Thank you, Guardian Hathaway" was all I could manage to say.

She studied my face one last time. "Call me Janine" she stated quietly, and walked away, leaving me alone.

Author's Note

Next chapter, Dimitri is going hunting. I'm nervous and excited to see how it turns out.

Thanks for the views and the reviews. Join me as I say welcome to my lovely beta, strangemind92! Yay!

See you soon, I hope ;)

P. S.: There's a song for every chapter. This one's Machete, by Amanda Palmer.