Two days later, I went to see Alberta at her office. On my way there, I passed by Stan and Emil. They were discussing something I couldn't hear and nodded in my direction when they saw me. I nodded back, not bothering to stop and make small talk. I had never been the most sociable person to begin with, but lately, I'd been avoiding contact with everyone; working harder than usual and retreating to my room immediately after my shifts ended. The other guardians were leaving me alone, and not even Alberta herself had tried to talk to me yet.

Ever since the funeral, I had been preparing myself for the journey. When I first decided to leave, I realized that there were two huge holes in my plans, the first being I had no idea where Rose might be. The Court mapped every Strigoi-related incident in every country, and I could easily access that information by contacting my friends at the Guardian Council. It wouldn't be very helpful if she hadn't been spotted, though, and I knew Rose would avoid recognition at all costs. We didn't know where to find the group that attacked the school, and as Strigoi often chose to work alone, I had no guarantee that she was even with them. She could have followed her sire or gone to literally anywhere else in the world.

I knew her, though. As Strigoi, most of her personality traits would still be there, only twisted by a lack of compassion and empathy. I couldn't help but shudder, thinking that the feelings that made her so amazing were gone, and there was nothing left of her old self but memories, impressions and the things she had tried hard to control when she was still a dhampir. Back then, Rose had been dangerous to her enemies. Now? She would be unstoppable.

Working with other people and respecting authority were never part of her strengths. She knew, however, how to function in society, and it was hard for me to believe that she could stay alone for too long. Based on Animal Behavior, her best subject while she was still at school, she also knew that there was strength in numbers. Her talent at breaking rules would also come in handy, for she would always get herself out of trouble, never getting caught disobeying orders. In a few months, she could be in a position of leadership among her peers.

There were only two places in the whole world where a pack of Strigoi that big could go on unnoticed: the United States and my homeland. The vampire population in both places was big enough to camouflage their hunting. Somehow I doubted that Rose was still here, though. She didn't have a home, not really, aside from the Academy. There was nothing holding her to this country, and just like Sonya Karp had done before her, she would probably avoid contact with the ones she used to love. Staying away from us was the smartest decision.

My conclusion was a shot in the dark but it was better than nothing. I would start looking for her in Russia and let the chips fall where they may. If I didn't find her in St. Petersburg, my next best guess would be Novosibirsk. I would be close to home, but visiting my family was out of the question. I couldn't see my mother and pretend that nothing was wrong; she knew me too well, as did my sisters and grandmother. They wouldn't let me leave once I got there.

When I had my destination set, a second problem came to mind: money. I had some savings, but as most of my paycheck went home to my family, I didn't have a lot left, especially for something this costly. I had no one to go for help, though, and truth be told, I doubted I could ask something this huge even from Ivan if he was alive. The money I had would have to do. If it didn't, I would find a way to get more.

I realized, startled, that my plan was just the ones Rose used to architect: hardly thought-through, hasty and very likely to get me killed. It was like whoever was responsible for ruling people's destinies was laughing at my expense.

When I arrived at Alberta's office, I had a speech prepared. It all went down the drain, though, when I saw her. Her expression hardened immediately after my entrance and she didn't even let me greet her before speaking in a harsh tone, "I was expecting you to come here, sooner or later. If you think that I'll allow you time out for you to unravel on a vigilante mission, forget about it, Belikov."

I was at a loss for words. "That look in your face, I've seen it before," she continued, "Guardian Tanner looked exactly the same before going after Sonya Karp. I won't let another good guardian go to waste and end up doomed to a life time of desk job because of lovesick promises. That is if you even come back alive."

She paused, letting her words sink in. A few moments later, her expression softened as she looked at me. I wondered what my face was doing. I was too surprised to control my expressions. "I am sorry, Dimitri", she said, finally. "I miss her every day. I wish we could change the past, but going down this path will only bring you sorrow. Whether you fail or succeed, you will never be the same."

I was well aware of that. Killing Rose was something I had yet to come to terms with. If I felt broken now, it would be nothing compared to what I would feel if I succeeded. I could argue with myself again and again about how she was a creature of evil now and that killing her would be like setting her free, but when it came down to it, I would still be staking the most important person in my world.

Failing was inconceivable. I had failed her too much already; what poor excuse for a man would I be if I couldn't get anything right? I would rather get killed in the process.

God, you sound like a soap opera hero. Alberta won't fall for your act. She has seen it before.

I inhaled slowly and recomposed myself before answering. It took every ounce of my willpower to put on a straight face, but somehow, I managed.

"Alberta," I began, unsure of what to say, "I know you want to protect me from hurting. Thank you, but you can't. Because right now, I can't even explain the pain I feel. I know that hunting her will make everything much worse, but staying here and doing nothing will drain the very life out of me.

"There is a monster out there, walking around in Rose's body and acting like her. It's nothing like hunting Strigoi just for the sake of it, it's honoring her memory. She has to be remembered as the person she once was, always willing to give her life to protect others, not like a murderer. Even if you don't help me, I'll still leave, but if you do I promise that no one will think of it as more than a vacation. Tell them I needed time out to recover from the attack and to mourn my students and colleagues. No one knew about me and Rose, there won't be any questions on the matter."

I stood there then, waiting for her answer. I was tense; my jaw was locked with so much intensity that I knew it would hurt like hell later. She was assessing me but I couldn't tell how she was feeling. Damn guardian training.

"If – and that is a huge if, mind you – I let you go," she argued, "don't you think the Council will be able to figure things out? You know that our numbers are low; we need everyone we can get. I can't just go on giving time out to anyone, not now. The Council would question my decision and your career wouldn't be the only one in line. You never asked for time out before, not even when your charge died. They will suspect something is wrong".

"I'm relying on my reputation for that matter," I said, "as well as yours. It won't be that hard to convince them that I finally got too tired and needed to step back a little."

"Admitting weakness will probably get you reassigned, though" she considered. "The Princess is too precious and you were chosen to guard her because of your commitment. Also, you know you are the only one Rose would trust with Lissa's life".

That was a low blow, but I was prepared for it. "If I get reassigned I'll take care of my charge just as well as I would have taken care of the Princess. She will be given the best guardians around, and I trust my colleagues to do a good job." I was trapped between a rock and a hard place. I knew Rose would want me to be Lissa's guardian, and if I came back I would do everything in my power not to get reassigned.

I waited for Alberta's decision. After what felt like forever, she finally said something. "I don't doubt that you would throw your career away and leave even if I told you no. You and Rose are too much alike, ridiculously pigheaded. She would want for you to still have a job when you came back, so here's the deal: I'll give you two months." I hadn't realized that I was holding my breath until she said those words and I exhaled in relief. "If you don't find her you still come back by the end of that time, understood? Otherwise, I won't be able to cover for you."

And just like that, I was making another promise I wasn't sure I could keep, not even for the sake of Alberta's career. "Yes, Guardian Petrov. I'll be back by the end of two months."

"And you better come back alive, Belikov," she threatened. "If you get yourself killed or turned, I'll personally kick your ass all the way to Hell."

I just nodded, feeling a wave of affection for her. She would have been a fierce mother, I was sure of that, but not having children didn't stop her from being an amazing woman. Rose had had one hell of a role model.

"You can leave two days hence after I prepare the paperwork. Use this time to contemplate your life choices. If you give up on this suicide mission, let me know."

I smiled for the first time in the last few days. It was far from a grin, but still better than a grimace. And it was honest.

"Thank you, Alberta," I said, simply, and left to my room.

I bought a ticket to St. Petersburg right after talking to Alberta. It had been expensive, leaving a hole in my already scarce funds, but I was expecting it. My bag was packed quickly after that; I didn't have much to take with me anyway, just a few clothes, some books, and CDs. Those two days had seemed to drag, but the time came and in fifteen minutes, I would be leaving behind the Academy, my charge and every pretense of order I had built around myself in the past years.

I wondered briefly if I should be feeling sorry for it. I didn't doubt for a second that Rose was worth it, and wasn't second-guessing my decision like Alberta had advised me to. I was second-guessing my entire life pre-Rose, dedicated on pursuing stability. It wasn't much of a life, not really. Control could be overrated. It was necessary, to a certain extent, but I had overdone it to the point of detaching myself of everything that mattered.

When the time came, I threw my bag over my shoulder and headed to Alberta's office one last time. She was waiting for me, the paperwork signed and ready to go.

"I'm guessing you didn't take my advice," she said, her voice tired. "Good luck though, Belikov."

We shook hands and I nodded. "Thank you, Guardian Petrov. We'll see each other soon." I couldn't know if it was true but felt the urge to reassure her somehow. She smiled at my attempt and nodded back, dismissing me.

I walked out of her office feeling an odd mix of sadness, relief, numbness, and anger. It was daytime, so no students were out of their dorms. I felt the staff staring at me though, and chose to ignore their eyes following my procession; every now and then a guardian would say goodbye and I would answer politely. I only stopped at the gates, showing the papers to the ones in charge. They let me go, no questions asked, and I didn't care enough to analyze their expressions.

Once out of the wards, my hands closed at the silver stake on my belt. I knew I had a long way to go to get to the nearest airport. Then start walking, Belikov.

The flight was long, boring and uneventful. By the time I reached St. Petersburg, my Discman was on my lap playing David Bowie's The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars, and I had one of my favorite novels on my hands. It was impossible to distract myself from the anxiety creeping up my chest, though. When the plane hit the ground, I almost ran out of it. Getting to a cheap hostel in the center of town was my priority, and once it was taken care of, I tried settling down to wait for the night to come, but realizing I was too anxious to stay in my room I got out and started walking aimlessly.

I loved St. Petersburg and knew the city like the back of my hand. I was no stranger to its night life and Moroi clubs, either. Ivan had used to come here all the time, both for business and for fun. I remembered talking about my homeland to Rose, knowing that I was sounding like an excited little boy, but she had never seemed to mind my homesickness. She would look excited to hear anything about my past like I was the most interesting thing in the world. It would make me feel like I mattered.

An aspect I hadn't considered until now popped up in my head. I wondered if she had decided to come here because of my childhood tales. Could I have impressed her enough that she would come to Russia looking for a sense of normalcy, of home? Her own childhood had been lonely. I didn't know how much impact my stories of a big, loving family had had in her.

Foolishly, I tried to imagine her almond-toned skin paler, her brown eyes red-ringed and cold, her smile ruined by fangs. I used to love to watch her running, the sunlight playing with the color of her hair, showing that there was a little red in it. Now, the sun would kill her. I wondered if she missed it.

You're thinking of her as she once was. Her feelings don't matter anymore. Be thankful for the sunlight as a weapon and start seeing her as an enemy or you won't stand a chance.

I let out a sigh. I still wasn't able to separate Strigoi Rose from Roza. I had to, once and for all, because I would always love Roza, and Strigoi Rose would never be her. It was like I was living in a book; my life was full of epic adventures, but I wish it could be boring. I wish we could both be humans, unaware that there were vampires around us and enjoying being in love. Reading about a hero's misfortunes was way better than living them.

And I knew there would be no happy ending for me.

Author's Note

Sorry, this chapter got too big. I promise more action in the next one, and I also promise that this story won't be an exact copy of Blood Promise with Dimitri in Rose's place. She isn't in Russia for the same reasons as him, and she won't deal with being a Strigoi the same way he did. The song that inspired this chapter is Disorder, by Joy Division, which happens to be my favorite song. I have part of the lyrics tattooed ("What means to you, what means to me / and we will meet again", to be exact).

See you next chapter, I hope :D