Skyfall

Chapter Thirty-Nine

Rebecca stared at the door after Harvey left. This was a nightmare she wished she could wake up from. First Katie, and now Marcus. All she wanted to do was go crawl up in a ball somewhere and cry, but she knew that wasn't an option right now. Lily needed her. When Harvey came back, he would need her. And then when they told the kids, they would need her.

The kids.

They were going to be devastated by this. She pushed that thought out of her mind and slowly went back to the kitchen. Lily was crying at the kitchen table so she went over and started to make tea for them. Something told her it was going to be a long night.

A few minutes later she placed a cup in front of Lily. Then she sat down next to her. "I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say in this situation."

"Neither do I." Lily shook her head.

She watched as Lily took the cup and drank some of the tea.

"I never thought that this would happen. I thought if I lost him it would be to jail."

"As bad as it sounds, I thought the same thing." She chimed in.

"I never imagined that he would die so young." Lily said. "I'm not sure how much more loss this family can take."

Harvey stood outside the rehab center, willing himself to go inside. He saw the coroner's van and the two police cars outside so he knew this wasn't a practical joke. It was really happening. On the way over he wondered if it could have been a prank or maybe even a misunderstanding. But in his heart he knew what this was.

His punishment.

He buzzed the front door. Since it was after normal visiting hours he had to get the door unlocked for him.

"Who is it?"

"Harvey Specter. Marcus Specter is my…"

"You can come on in." The voice interrupted him.

He heard the door unlock and came inside. A few seconds later, a short, balding man came up to him.

"Mr. Specter. My name is Joseph Wayne. I am the administrator of this center. First of all, let me express my deepest sympathies to you and your family. What happened with Marcus has never happened here before and we all are heartbroken about it."

"What exactly did happen?" He asked.

"No one told you?" Joseph asked.

"No." He shook his head. "They just called and said Marcus was dead because of an incident."

"Oh my." Joseph sighed. "They were supposed to tell you more than that. I'm sorry. Your brother committed suicide inside his room sometime after dinner tonight."

"Excuse me…what?"

"He took a bedsheet and created a noose, tying it to the ceiling."

"No." He shook his head. "He wouldn't have done that."

"I understand the natural reaction is denial, but…"

"He hung himself to death?" That just kept getting worse and worse.

"I'm afraid so." Joseph replied. "The police are in his room right now, investigating since it happened here. But I can take you to the room. They will need you to identify the body."

"Ok." He nodded, feeling numb as he followed the man to where Marcus' room was. He wasn't particularly happy about having to identify his little brother's body. But if it was what he needed to do, it was better him doing it than his mom or Rebecca. He stopped outside the door.

"Are you ready?" Joseph asked.

He looked over at the man. "I don't really have a choice about it."

Joseph opened the door for him and he walked inside a few steps. The police were moving around the room, looking at everything. In the corner was a chair that was kicked over. Next to the chair on the floor was Marcus' body. It was in a black body bag that until now he had only ever seen on television.

"Are you family?" One of the cops asked, coming up to him.

"I'm his brother." Harvey managed to say as he took in the surroundings. It was a plain room. The only decorations on the wall were the pictures he had originally packed for Marcus of his family. He had wanted Marcus to have some inspiration on his walls to remember who he was getting treatment for. He thought that would improve Marcus's chances. But obviously that didn't help.

"I'm sorry to ask you to do this, but we do need you to identify him as your brother before the coroner can take him away." The officer stated.

"Of course." He nodded, following the man to the black bag.

The officer slowly unzipped the bag and he couldn't help but gasp softly at the sight before him. Marcus' face was staring back at him. His eyes were still open but they were glassy and lifeless. His skin had a bluish, grey tint to it. He couldn't help but stare at the sight, unable to turn away.

"Is that Marcus Specter?" The officer asked.

He wished he could say no. He wished that this was just a big misunderstanding or a prank and that Marcus would jump out of the body bag and berate him, saying that this was his punishment for hurting him weeks ago about Katie being pregnant. But the realization was dawning on him that Marcus really was gone. This wasn't a prank and it wasn't a misunderstanding. It was reality. His baby brother was dead.

"Yes." He nodded slowly. "That's my brother."

"Thank you." He zipped the bag back up. "We found a note that makes it pretty clear this was a suicide. We are almost finished with our death investigation so if you would like to, you can take the note."

He watched as the officer went over to the bed and brought back the note. He took it from the man's hand.

"Is there a specific funeral home would like your brother to be delivered to?" The officer asked.

He thought about it for a moment, trying to remember which one took care of Katie's funeral. Finally he remembered. "Flanagen's on Fifth Street and Main."

"Alright." The officer nodded. "We will have him sent there. You are free to go. And I'm sorry about your loss."

He simply nodded and then made his way back to his car. It wasn't until he was sitting in the car in the parking lot that he looked at the note. It was folded up in thirds. On the front it said 'To Harvey'

He both did and didn't want to open the note, afraid of what it would say. But after a few minutes he opened it up and started reading.

Harvey,

I hope I'm right and you are the one who ends up reading this. I apologize if I am wrong and it is either Mom or Rebecca reading this. You will probably be surprised by some of this because I'm sure Harvey hasn't told you everything that has happened.

I'm sorry for everything. I have let everyone down in ways I never thought were possible and I have caused so much pain and upheaval into everyone's lives. You were right to berate me a few weeks ago. This was all my fault.

If I hadn't started gambling again, none of this would have happened. I wouldn't have racked up such a large debt, the bookie wouldn't have done what he did to Katie and our unborn child and I wouldn't have started drinking, I wouldn't have taken money from my restaurants like an idiot and then I wouldn't have driven drunk with Olivia in the car. She wouldn't have gotten her first broken bone and had to stay the night in the hospital. I wouldn't have been charged with felonies and I wouldn't be in here.

I wouldn't have had to make you stay in Boston with my kids and I wouldn't have put you in the position you are in now of having to try and defend your kid brother who is nothing but a screw up.

You were right. I have caused nothing but heartache for everyone and I have hurt everyone I love with my actions. I've thought about this nonstop for the past few weeks and I truly can't see any other way out of this. I know that as much as I want to promise I will never gamble or drink again, I doubt I will be able to keep that promise. As I write this, I want a drink so badly. I just want to drink until I forget everything bad that has happened. So I know that long-term I won't be able to resist that temptation. And as much as I want to trust that you will get me acquitted of these charges, I realize I will likely spend time in prison away from my kids.

I don't deserve my kids. I realize that now. They are the best part of me and Katie and I will love them forever. I love them more than anything and it kills me to be away from them, but I can't let them see me like this. I can't trust that I will ever be the father they need me to be or deserve. Katie was the better parent. She should be here with them instead of me.

I hope you will tell them that this has nothing to do with how much I love them. If anything, I am doing this because I love them so much. I can't stand to see them disappointed in me or knowing that I have let them down. But I have. I have let them down so badly. I don't think there is a way I can ever make it up to them.

But I will always love them. Please make sure they know that. And they will be much better off without me dragging them down like a giant anchor around their necks.

And please make sure that Mom knows this isn't a failure on her part. There wasn't anything she could have done to change the way things played out. She was a great mom and a great grandma. This wasn't her fault.

Rebecca also needs to know that she didn't do anything wrong either. Although I rejected her calls, I appreciated her trying to check on me so often. It was nice having her as a sister. You lucked out and found a good woman to love you. Don't let her get away. But there wasn't anything she could do to help me so that's why I rejected her calls. This wasn't her fault either.

You were more than harsh when you told me about the baby Katie was carrying when she died. You were cruel. I hated you for it. I still kind of hate you for it. But you were right to tell me. I needed to know just how horrible I was….just how toxic I was to the people I love.

That's why I am doing this. I can't stand the pain anymore. I want to be reunited with Katie so badly that it physically hurts. I know it seems selfish. I realize that. But I can't live like this anymore. I can't live with the guilt over knowing that my gambling debt not only caused Katie to die but also an innocent baby that never got to be born. It's too much for me to handle. I'm sorry if that makes me weak or a coward.

I know you and Rebecca will take in my kids. I know that you will love them like they are your own because that's what you do. You clean up my messes. And this is the biggest mess I've ever made. I'm sorry that you will left to take care of everything. But not sorry enough to change my mind. Everyone is going to be better off without having to deal with me and my issues.

You are officially released from having to clean up my messes. This will be the last mess you have to clean up.

Please tell everyone I am sorry and I love them. Also, I don't want a big funeral. Maybe just have a small memorial service and let that be that.

And I'm sorry Harvey. I tried to be a brother you could be proud of. I tried to be like you. I just failed. Maybe someday you can forgive me. But if you can't, that's ok too because I can't forgive myself. Maybe there are things in this life that can't be forgiven.

Marcus

He finished the letter and couldn't stop the tears from falling. He didn't know Marcus was hurting that badly. He should have known though. He should have busted his way through the doors of the rehab and demanded that Marcus talk to him. And he shouldn't have told Marcus about the baby in the first place. Maybe things would have been different. But no. He had to lash out at his younger brother. If he had just kept his mouth shut, then things would have been different.

After reading the letter, he came away with one recurring thought.

This whole situation was entirely his own fault because he failed Marcus.

Rebecca sat in the living room, waiting for Harvey to get back. She had sent Lily to bed about an hour ago because it was 1am and Harvey still wasn't back yet. He had called earlier and told them that Marcus had committed suicide and they took his body away to the funeral home. He made it sound like he would be back soon, but that was several hours ago.

She heard the door open and rushed over to see Harvey closing the door. When he turned around, she saw his red-rimmed eyes and her heart broke for him. She immediately ran over and hugged him tightly.

"I'm so sorry." She whispered.

"He's really gone." Harvey whispered back.

"I know."

"Where is my mom?"

"I sent her upstairs to bed." She explained, pulling away just enough so she could look at his face. "What can I do for you? Do you want to talk? Do you want a drink?"

"I just want to go upstairs and lay down with you in my arms." He told her.

"Consider it done." She grabbed his hand and guided him up the stairs to their room. Once they got into the room, she gently pushed him onto the bed. She made quick work of taking off his shoes and was going to take the rest of his clothes off for him but he stopped her, grabbing on to her waist and pressing his head up against her stomach.

"When is it all going to stop?" He whispered. "When are we going to stop getting used to things turning out one way only to have them get completely blown up a few weeks later?"

"I don't know." She answered honestly. She grabbed his head and moved it so she could look him in the eyes. "But we can get through this, just like we've gotten through everything else before. I promise you that. Now let's get you into bed."

He simply nodded and laid back on the bed.

She cuddled up next to him, laying her head on his chest and wrapping her arm around his waist.