She says it over and over again in her head, the words rustling and crumbling like dried leaves on an October day in Ohio.
She hasn't said that to him yet, but she knows that its coming. She knows that today is the last day, today its going to end today.
They've been in a downward slope for a while now. They've both seen it, but they've tried to avoid it. They're not tired of each other, but it sure seems like it. Everything he does seems to piss her off. He's annoyed by the mess she leaves behind, the laundry she still does wrong. The bliss was over. The times of arguing don't end with passionate lovemaking and apologies. They don't apologize. They just pack their things up and leave, go home, and wonder what the hell happened to Max and Fern.
There are days when there's hope that they're just in a slump and they'll come out of it. But there are times like right now that it would be so much easier just to give up. After all they've been through to get here, they're about to give up on everything they've wanted.
He's in her kitchen. He's not yelling, but there's frustration in his voice. He's seperated himself from her with the counter. She knows he'd never lay a hand on her, but during the heat of an argument, he always puts a blockade between them. He's trying to keep himself from becoming his father. She knows him better than that, but he doesn't trust himself. His knuckles are white with how tightly he's gripping the counter.
And all of the sudden, he stops his complaining about something he can't find and says, "Damn it Kens, what are we doing?"
She snaps into attention. She hadn't really been listening, instead she's just been hearing herself think.
"I don't know," she says, softly.
"How ready are you to give up on us? Be honest," his voice is raw but strong, with just a hint of anger, but mostly vulnerability.
She didn't want to answer, but she was close. She couldn't lie to him. Not now, not about this.
"I'm close," she said quietly. "But you can't tell me that you aren't too."
She's not sure his knuckles can get any whiter, and then they do.
"I'm ready, Kens."
And there it was. Her biggest fear. She feels her walls come up again, all the ones he'd worked so hard to tear down. She may not have been able to keep her face from falling, but she'd make sure he never saw her cry. Because Marty Deeks, the only one who she'd ever loved enough to let in, doesn't want her anymore. He too, is done with her.
Her composure is all she have now. He's said it. He's done. In a reminiscent tone, she says the overlying haunting thought that she's been thinking all day. "I didn't want things to end this way." She can cry when he's gone, she tells herself.
His fingers loosen their grip in the counter top. He takes two steps away from it, and opens his arms up to her.
"No, Deeks. I can't. I can't touch you right now. You, you should go." She feels his eyes on her, but she's looking at the wall behind him. There is no way she can just go hug him goodbye. There's too much depth. He just ended things with her, and in that moment, she can't imagine life without him. She realizes how hard it's going to be, how hard it is losing him. She realizes that she sincerely does still love him, even though its been tough these past few weeks.
"Get your ass over here and hug me," he demands. The anger in his voice isn't there, but its still a demand. She doesn't understand what he's doing to her.
"If I do that, I'm not going to let go."
"Exactly, now get over here."
Finally, she understands what he's doing, what he means. She closes the space between them and falls into his chest. His arms wrap around her with such strenght and power.
"It scares me to death that we're that ready to give up on us. So you've got to promise me that you're not going to leave me. You have to promise me that no matter how bad it gets, we're not ending it like this," he says. His voice cracks and quivers. She can feel him shake. And that wall that she put back up starts to fall again just like that. He's still here and he's asking her not to go anywhere. He's afraid of losing her, afraid enough that he's shaking and holding her so tightly that she can't even breath.
That's when she lets the tear fall. She's not sobbing, but there are just a few loose tears.
"I love you," she breathes, almost silently. Its been almost a month since she's told him the last time, and it feels so good and right coming off of her tongue again. She can't lose him. She won't. "I promise. But you have to promise me the same thing. I can't give something like that with no return."
He tucks her head under his chin and tries to pull her even closer, but its not even possible. Its like he'd forgotten how good it felt to just hold her, to breathe her in, to be her everything.
"I promise. You and me. Forever. No matter how bad it gets."
Hell, in that moment, she'd even marry him, if he'd asked. They've still got a long way to go, but today was important. She realized that she really could never leave him. She realized that she is ready to commit to him. He knows that she's in it for the long term. He knows that she still loves him just as much as he loves her. That they're really not ready to end it. They never will be.
She pushes her head out from under his chin and finds his lips with her own. His hands roam up from where they'd been during the hug. Up her back, shoulders, neck, until they find her face. Their kiss is feverish and hard and desperate. Desperate for something to hold on to, desperate for intimacy. Desperate to show the emotions they just worked out.
Their love story didn't reach its final chapter today. There may even be a sequel one day.