Esme's POV
When Edward told me that he had invited Bella over one night while Charlie was at work, and that she had accepted, I had to admit that I was ecstatic. This was such an important first step for both her and Nessie, and their integration back into society.
Aside from the odd visit, for the most part Bella herself had requested to be given plenty of space while she adjusted to life outside of her confinement, and the overwhelming world from which she had been locked away. I knew it was best to be supportive, and not to push her until she was ready, although I had to be honest that I had been in contact with Charlie regularly to ensure that her behaviour was not regressing back into her 'captive state of mind'. It was possible that she had been held captive for so long that she would be comfortable with it despite the horror, that she would reject any efforts to help her integrate again.
But so far, she seemed to be doing okay and Edward appeared to be a healthy influence for her. He confided that she had broken down the first day at the park and had unexpectedly hugged him. That had taken me by surprise, but at the same time it made sense. Since then, he had regularly seen her and Nessie, taking them out to the playground and getting them out of the house. Coming to our house tonight was the next stage for her, and hopefully would open the door for her to adventure beyond the yard with either Charlie or Edward or even myself.
Thankfully, the visit had gone smoothly. When I told Bella what we would be eating for dinner, she had nervously asked me if she could help me in the kitchen. She could prepare a few very basic things such as toast, pasta, and boiled eggs… but beyond that, she had never had very much experience in the kitchen. So as she helped me and I explained what I was doing, I also let her know that I was more than willing to help her learn a few more things over the next several weeks. She seemed quite open to the idea and we talked about the possibility of her even coming to the grocery store with me one morning.
It was amazing to see both her independence and her fear. She wanted desperately to continue to be Nessie's primary caregiver, but it was obvious to me that she now felt inadequate, not knowing how to do many of these things for herself, let alone her daughter. I knew that it would take time, but I was more than willing to help her in any way that she needed if she would let me. She was a fighter who had survived through so much abuse, that it was truly a miracle that she was doing as well as she was already.
While we prepared dinner, Nessie came back into the kitchen to grab her notebook, her enthusiasm bright and encouraging. When she showed me her drawings after dinner, I was amazed at the natural skill that she had developed… her sketches more realistic than I could have imagined. I made a mental note to suggest to Edward that he eventually help Bella look into art classes for her… it could be a great form of therapy, and she had such an amazing natural talent.
"Can I ask you a question Esme?" Bella's voice was timid as she approached me in the kitchen later that evening. I had gotten up to turn on the kettle and make us some tea, and I hadn't heard her follow me in.
Nessie was engulfed in the movie that Edward had helped her pick out, sitting on his lap and watching it contentedly. My heart had swelled at the sight, amazed at how much he already loved that little girl, and how much she was able to love and trust him back.
"Absolutely dear, anything." I responded as I set down the mugs I had pulled from the cupboard, turning and giving her my full attention.
"Is it… is this… is anything going to get easier?" She asked and I thought through her question, tried to see all of the underlying fear.
"I mean… every day… every night… everything just… it's terrifying." She began to elaborate while I listened patiently. "I'm a child in a woman's body. I've given birth to two children of my own, I've taught myself how to live… I've educated myself… I've fought to simply survive for more than half of my life." She continued and I nodded. "I just… everything seems different than I thought it would be. I used to imagine life outside of the bunker… I used to picture what it would be like if I eventually escaped, and I always thought it was be hard… but that I would adjust again. I didn't know that my own father would scare me just by sitting down too close to me… or that I wouldn't trust anybody at all… or that I would feel like such a failure with Renesmee. She's so intelligent, and I've taught her everything that I possibly could… but while she has seen horrors, she is still so innocent and childlike. She is young in her maturity and I know that she will grow and learn and excel… but I'm also terrified for her. She is still so afraid that this new life will be taken from her and she will be locked back up again… and to be honest… so am I. I know it's not logical… but…" She paused and I watched as she struggled against crying. I could understand her entirety of mixed emotions. She had been through something that no person, let alone young child should have to endure. And while I could see the areas in which she had become a mother and a survivor, I could also see the little girl searching for help.
"Bella, I can't even begin to imagine the conflicting emotions that you must be feeling, practically all of the time." I began to say as I moved closer to her. "You are right in that your escape from that prison, was different than you expected it would be… but I want to assure you that what you are feeling and what you are experiencing is perfectly normal." I saw a tear escape and I moved to wrap my arm around her shoulder. She didn't tense up but I watched as she wiped the tear away angrily.
"Things will get easier, but it will take time. You spent twelve years learning how to survive and cope with your situation and in that time you developed thought patterns and coping mechanisms. You learned that the only person that you had contact with from the 'outside world' was 'bad', and that you had to behave according to his rules. It is horrendous, but it is what it is, and while we can help you, and you can learn new cues, and behaviors and thought patterns… it will take time and work." I told her and she nodded, her shoulders slumping.
"That's what Mrs. Parker… my counselor told me too." She muttered. I knew Hannah Parker… she was excellent at what she did, and myself had made the referral to Charlie. But I suspected here tonight as I chatted with Bella, that she wasn't being as open with her as she was being with me.
"But the positive news is that you don't have to do it alone anymore. I know it isn't easy to open up or to trust any of us… there are so many conflicting thoughts and emotions that we understand how it can be overwhelming and confusing for you at times. But you are doing incredible and you have shown just how resilient and strong you truly are. We are not here to push you or to force you into things that you are not ready for, but we are here to walk alongside you, and help you to take the next steps for your growth and recovery." I continued to assure her and she turned taking me by surprise and holding onto me tightly, allowing herself to cry in my arms while I soothed her.
Eventually she let go, grabbing a napkin from the counter and wiping her eyes and nose.
"Renesmee wants to get out of the house more. She wants to explore and learn… and I'm… I'm not sure I can be what she needs…" She sniffled out and I shook my head. "I can't take her out yet… and I can't let her go alone with anybody else either. I'm not ready yet."
"You are exactly what she needs Bella. You have raised such an incredible little girl in impossible circumstances. That girl who is still terrified, but brave enough to face things she has never seen… that is because of you. You taught her, and you protected her. You made her feel safe, in the darkest of circumstances, you were and are, her rock. And I know it feels impossible right now, and even more overwhelming. But if you let us help you both on this journey, you will find that you are that child's mother in every sense of the world and you have not failed her in any way." I reminded her and she nodded. I meant every word that I said. There was no way that Renesmee would be doing as well as she was, if Bella hadn't done such an amazing job with her while they had been locked away.
"When you are ready… I know that you will show her the world. But for now, just take things one step at a time. Today… this, coming here… it's a good step."
"Esme?" She asked again and I smiled, ready to answer any other questions that she might have.
"I love my Dad… and I loved my Mom… but you… you and Carlisle… you were always kind of like my parents too... Thank you." She whispered and suddenly I felt my own eyes begin to water, the emotion rising up in me as I heard her words, saw the sincerity in her eyes.
"Oh Bella, we love you too Darling!"