Skyfall

Chapter Forty-Four

After Harvey left the bedroom he headed straight for the kitchen and a beer. This evening turned out to be a huge mess and, once again it was his fault for lashing out. She told him something he knew she was happy about and she was right. All he did was shit all over it. It could have been a happy moment. It should have been a happy moment. Instead, he turned it into a fight…a bad fight.

It wasn't fair of him to project his anger onto her. It wasn't her fault that she was pregnant. He had played a part in it too, and he didn't truly think she planned it. But once again he slipped into old habits and lashed out in pain. He hated himself for it because he had been doing so much better about not lashing out. The past couple of months had caused him to revert back to his old self and he didn't like it, but felt powerless to stop it. He could see what was happening afterwards, but that did nothing to help him in the moment.

After a while he realized he was projecting his anger at Marcus onto her because he wasn't able to express his anger to Marcus. But it wasn't fair to her and he had to apologize.

He thought about her news. She was pregnant. Ever since they agreed to wait the six months, he had wondered for a while now how he would feel when she told him she was pregnant. In the back of his mind he always thought he would be panicked hearing the news that they were bringing a child into the world. Although he was nervous and scared, he wasn't panicked about his ability to be a parent. Taking care of Ethan and Olivia had been a good trial by fire for him to gain some confidence in his abilities to take care of kids.

Now he just had to find the confidence to face Rebecca. She had every right to kick him out of the bedroom and a part of him was proud of her for standing up for herself. He put the empty beer bottle in the recycling and then headed upstairs.

He slowly turned the doorknob of the bedroom, noting that the room was pitch black. He quietly closed the door behind him in case she was sleeping. Coming back in here tonight was a risky idea. She might still be pissed off at him. To be honest though, she would have every right to be. He treated her horribly and he felt like a gigantic asshole.

She was laying on the bed with her back to the door so he couldn't tell if she was asleep.

"Are you awake?" He asked softly. If she was asleep, he would just climb into bed with her and apologize in the morning. If she was awake, he would do it tonight.

"No." Came the soft reply.

He couldn't help but smile a little as he came to her side of the bed. He turned on the bedside light and knelt down so their faces were at the same level. With some light in the room he could see her eyes were red. He hated knowing that she was up here crying because of what he said and wished he could take it back.

"Harvey, I'm exhausted…mentally, physically and emotionally. So if you want to come back and sleep here tonight, that's fine with me. But I don't want to get into this again if we are just going to fight. I don't have it in me tonight." She whispered.

"I don't want to fight either." He told her. "I want to apologize, though I don't think any apology is ever going to be good enough. I'm so incredibly sorry. You told me something good and I just attacked you. I lashed out and I tried to make you feel like shit. It wasn't fair to you at all."

"No it wasn't." She sighed, carefully swinging her legs over the side of the bed and sitting up. "What the hell is going on with you? I know you are heartbroken about Marcus, but it seems like it goes deeper than that."

"I don't want to talk about it." He shrugged. He wasn't ready to tell her everything, and he wasn't sure he would ever be ready to tell her everything.

"Harvey…" She reached over and put her hands on the sides of his face. "I love you…so damn much it hurts sometimes. You can tell me anything. I hope you know that. I'm here for you and I just want to help you. But I can't help you if you don't talk to me."

He stared in her eyes and knew she was telling the truth. He knew that she would do anything for him because she loved him that much. Maybe there was something he could tell her about why he was so messed up by Marcus' death…something that would hopefully explain a little of why he was so rattled without having to get into the details of his fight with Marcus.

"When I went to the rehab center that night, they told me about how Marcus killed himself. And it didn't quite sink in yet that he was actually gone." He started to explain. "They walked me back to his room and I went in, not really knowing what to expect. Thankfully they already had his body cut down from the ceiling so I didn't have to see that. He was already put into one of those body bags. But then then made me identify him."

"You never told me that happened." She gasped.

"I didn't know how to." He admitted. "Seeing him like that…his face…it's something I can't get out of my head. I can't stop seeing it every time I close my eyes."

"Which is why you aren't sleeping." She guessed.

"Yeah." He nodded. It was partly why he couldn't sleep.

"I'm so sorry that you had to do that." She gently kissed his forehead. "Things are going to get better. We just have to get through each day, and then each day after that will get easier. I promise you."

"Still…even though I'm going through that…it's no excuse for how I acted earlier."

"No. It isn't. But it definitely explains some things and fills in some of the questions I have." She said softly. "Look, I know this baby is a surprise. It was for me too. And I know it's probably the wrong time to tell you and it's not a convenient time for us to have a baby. We have so much going on right now. So I understand if you aren't happy about it right now. I just need you to know that I can be happy about the baby for both of us right now if that would help while you get used to the idea…"

He silenced her by pulling her up to a standing position and kissing her. He wrapped his arms around her and held on tightly. "I was a goddamn idiot earlier." He whispered when he finally pulled his lips off of hers.

"Harvey…"

"No." He interrupted. "Let me finish. Please. I shouldn't have freaked out like that. I shouldn't have treated you that way. I've tried so hard to not act that way anymore but I failed tonight. And I'm so sorry. You didn't deserve that and I didn't mean it when I accused you of planning this or any of the other stuff I said. You're right that it isn't a convenient time. But when is a convenient time? There's always going to be something going on and if we waited for the perfect time we'd probably never have a kid because there is no perfect time. And you were right. I took something that should have a happy moment and turned it into an ugly moment."

He paused for a moment. "I love you Rebecca. I love you more than I could ever possibly express. And the fact that you are carrying my child…it makes me love you even more."

"You're saying you're happy about this?" She asked.

He could see the hope and the skepticism in her eyes. So he kissed her again.

"I'm saying I'm thrilled." He whispered. "And also very nervous."

"Join the club." She chuckled. "So far I'm the only member."

"Consider me the second member of your club." He smirked. "How far along are you?"

"Almost seven weeks." She bit her lip. "It means it happened around the time of Marcus' DUI."

He chuckled. "Possibly even the night at the baseball field?"

She smiled. "I like to think that's when it happened."

"I like that thought too." He agreed, seeing her yawn.

"I wasn't lying about being exhausted." She told him.

"Of course." He nodded, guiding her back to the bed and tucking her in before getting in on the other side. "Get some sleep and we can talk in the morning."

"Are you going to be able to sleep?" She asked.

"Maybe." He shrugged. He doubted he would be able to sleep, but he didn't want to worry her about it. "If not, I'll just lay here and hold you all night."