Skyfall

Chapter Fifty-Four

Harvey entered the house and threw his keys on the table near the door. It was late and all of the lights were out, meaning everyone was in bed. After talking to Scottie, he realized that he needed to talk to Rebecca and he needed to do it tonight before he lost his nerve. He needed to trust in their relationship. He needed to trust that things would be ok. He needed to trust her not to leave him because of what happened with Marcus. Because Scottie was right. There was going to be a time where Rebecca got so fed up with him pushing her away that she stops putting up a fight and walks away.

And losing her forever would devastate him.

He climbed the stairs two at a time because he didn't want to wait for the elevator. It wasn't long until he was standing outside the door of her bedroom. It was supposed to be their bedroom but then he distanced himself to a different bedroom because he didn't want her to know that he was still having nightmares. That wasn't fair of him to do to her. Though most of the things he had done and the ways he treated her lately weren't fair.

He needed to come clean about everything and hope she would forgive him.

Slowly, he turned the handle of the door. He quietly closed the door behind him and walked over to the bed. She was asleep on her left side, her arm draped protectively over her stomach. Even while sleeping she was still the most beautiful woman in the world to him. He sat down on the edge of the bed and thought about how to start the conversation he knew was long overdue.

He was so caught up in his own thoughts that he didn't realize Rebecca was awake until he heard her voice.

"Harvey?"

Her voice had that half-asleep tone that he always found adorable. He wanted to smile at it but now wasn't the time to do that.

"Is something wrong?" She asked.

"We need to talk." He told her. He watched as she sat up against the headboard.

"It's the middle of the night." She pointed to the clock on the nightstand. "It can't wait until morning?"

"I may not have the courage to say this in the morning." He admitted.

"Ok then." She yawned, starting to get more alert. "What is going on?"

"I'm drowning, and I have been for some time." He started, unable to look at her face while he talked. "With everything that has happened, I can't seem to find solid ground anymore. Everything and everyone feels like they are slipping away from me."

Her voice was so soft that he had to listen carefully in order to hear her. "Perhaps you should stop pushing away the people who are still here."

"You're right. It's counter-productive to push away those who are still here." He told her as he moved to face her. "I think I'm finally ready to talk about everything with you."

"Really?"

He saw the hopeful look on her face and nodded. "I need to tell you what I have been keeping from you. It's time I tell you and then hope you can forgive me for everything."

"Ok. If you're ready to talk then I'm ready to listen." She nodded.

"There's so much to tell you." He sighed. "I'm not even sure how or where to start."

"My advice is to just pick a place and go from there."

"Alright." He nodded. "First of all, Katie's death wasn't a random act of violence from someone trying to rob them. It's why the police were never able to figure out who was behind it. There was no robbery."

"What are you talking about?" She scoffed. "She died because of being there at the wrong time during a break in."

"No." He shook his head. "It wasn't a robbery because they never took anything. That's not the reason she died."

"Then what really happened?" She asked, sitting cross-legged on the bed.

"After Marcus went into rehab, I found out the truth behind everything. He had started gambling again and owed a lot of money to a bookie. He didn't want to come to me and ask for the money so he was trying to raise it himself. But his bookie thought he was taking too long so he had Katie killed."

"No." She shook her head. "That's too outrageous."

"But it's unfortunately true." He looked over at her.

"Why didn't he come to you for the money? Or even to me? We would have helped him."

"He was ashamed." Harvey explained. "And when Specter men get ashamed, we make bad decisions, like cutting people out of our lives and thinking we can handle things on our own when we really need help."

"Harvey…"

"It gets worse though. He started drinking because of the guilt he felt over Katie's death. He still owed money to the bookie so he embezzled some money from his restaurants. Colton found out about it and confronted him. The next morning after that was when he drove drunk and got into the accident with Olivia."

"Oh my God." She sighed.

"I guess between the embezzled money and the money from Katie's life insurance he was still $500,000 short on his debt. So those men who you thought were following you, were actually following you. You weren't paranoid about that…"

He watched as she got up from the bed and walked to the window, holding on to the frame with both hands.

"They were hired by the bookie to keep an eye on you. If another day or two had passed, I think they might have…you could have been…I mean there was a chance that they could have…but I paid off the rest of the debt and they had no reason to be watching you anymore so they left you alone."

He noticed she was quiet, likely absorbing everything and taking it all in. He decided to give her a moment before telling her anything else.

"So when you went to go pay off the bookie and you told me that they just roughed you up a little, they could have very easily killed you like they killed Katie?"

"Yeah." He nodded. "But they didn't. I'm just sorry that you were in danger. If I had known about it sooner I would have paid the bookie off before it ever got to this point. As soon as I found out from Marcus I started getting the money from our accounts to pay it and I did my best to make sure didn't go after you. I wasn't going to let anything happen to you."

"I know that you'd do anything you could to keep me safe." She assured him. "That's not what…you put yourself in a lot of danger without telling me."

"I didn't want to worry you."

"Ok." She shook her head. "But why didn't you say anything about any of this sooner?"

"I was ashamed."

"Why were you ashamed?" She turned around to face him and leaned back on the window frame. "You didn't do anything wrong. You did everything you could to make sure that no one else was in danger by paying off the debt."

"Yes, I did. I did do something wrong. I was horrible to Marcus after I found out everything that happened. I said things to him that I never should have. I lashed out in ways I've never lashed out at anyone. I told him I should let him rot in jail for years on the DUI charges. I told him I was tired of cleaning up his messes. I was vicious and cruel. And then I tried to go back and apologize but he wouldn't see me. So I lied to you and my mom about continuing to visit him. I hadn't seen or talked to him in several weeks before he committed suicide. In fact, he died thinking I hated him."

"He knew you loved him."

"I'm not so sure about that."

"Well trust me because I'm sure of it." She assured him. "There were so many times when you weren't around that Marcus told me how much he appreciated having you in his life. He loved you and he knew that you loved him too. But everything you have told me makes it that much more obvious that Marcus was troubled. And knowing all of this now, it makes so much more sense that he killed himself. He must have been struggling so much more than we realized."

"I failed him." He said, his eyes welling up.

She came over and immediately hugged him. "No. Don't ever say that. Harvey, you didn't fail him. You always did your best to help him, even when he didn't make it easy."

"My best wasn't good enough to save him though." At this point he couldn't help it and the tears started to fall down his cheeks.

"Harvey…" She pulled away from him just enough to look at his face. One of her hands reached out and started brushing away the tears. "You have been holding all of this inside for far too long. Just let it out, ok?"

"I should have been there for him more! I shouldn't have kicked him when he was down! Hell, I even rubbed his face in the fact that Katie was pregnant again."

"Oh no." She closed her eyes. "Really? I thought we agreed to never tell him that."

"I know." He groaned. "I just couldn't help it. It spilled out before I could stop myself. And I hate myself for it because I'll never forget the pained look on his face. I think it was the final straw for him."

"You need to try and find a way to let your guilt go before it rips you up inside." She put her hands on either sides of his face.

"It already has." He whispered.

"And this is what you've been keeping from me?" She asked softly.

"Yeah."

"Is that everything?"

"No. There's also his suicide note. In it, he basically told me his suicide was my fault because I essentially held up a mirror to his failures. And I keep having nightmares every night where I walk in right before he kills himself and he always tells me how he blames me and how I'm going to end up alone, just like him. He says it is the Specter curse. It's why I have been staying in a different bedroom. I didn't want to bother you every night because you need your sleep."

"You shouldn't worry about my sleep." She told him softly.

"I can't help it. I know it hasn't seemed like it lately, but I always worry about you and what you need." He chuckled. "Dream Marcus is right though. It is my fault. This whole thing is my fault and I'm going to end up alone."

"It's not your fault." She shook her head.

"Then why does it feel like it is my fault? Why can't I get it out of my head?"

"Because you are a very caring man and you loved your brother." She explained.

"Yeah, I loved him so much he killed himself." He scoffed.

"Harvey…"

He tried to break out of her hold so he could stand up and pace but she tightened her grip on his face.

"Look at me." She commanded softly.

"If you want to leave me because of the way I've treated you lately and the fact that I was so horrible to Marcus, I'll understand."

He reluctantly decided to look into her eyes, afraid of what he would see. He'd imagined this moment for a long time. He'd dreamed about this moment and thought he knew how it would go. Now that she knew everything she would be disgusted with him over his actions. Now was the time for his reckoning.

To his surprise and confusion, he didn't see disgust. He didn't see hatred or anger. He just saw love and understanding.

"Harvey…this wasn't your fault. I can't believe you would even think it was and my heart breaks for you because I can only imagine what you have been going through. I thought maybe you were blaming yourself for Marcus' death but I had no idea the extent of how deep this went. You should have told me sooner. I could have tried to help you…"

"I thought you would hate me." He whispered. "I thought you would blame me for Marcus's death too and I thought you would leave me. I didn't want to take the chance that you would start looking at me differently. So I started avoiding you, which I know is silly now because it just pushed you away more. But I didn't know what to do and like I said earlier, Specter men make bad decisions when we feel ashamed…"

She leaned in and placed a quick kiss on his lips to silence him before she pulled back and smiled at him. "When are you going to learn that there is nothing you could ever say or do that will make me hate you?"

"But I thought you would agree with Marcus that it was my fault and you would leave me." He admitted.

"The way I see it, there are two major flaws with that belief. One is that I don't believe it was your fault. Marcus has always has his own demons. You didn't make him commit suicide. The things you said to him may not have been very nice, but think about this. You've said mean things to lots of people and they don't go out and kill themselves. Hell, you've practically tortured Louis for years and he made you his best man. So you really don't have that kind of power over people to make them kill themselves. And the second flaw is that I'm never leaving you." She explained.

"It felt like you were close to leaving lately." He told her.

"I could say the same thing about you though." She pointed out. "It felt like you already had one foot out the door."

"It's not what I want though."

She sighed and let go of his face. "Look, I was just frustrated and angry. First you wouldn't let me in, then you actively were pushing me away. All I've wanted to do is help you. But I meant what I said in our wedding vows. I may walk away to calm down, but I'm never walking away forever. You are stuck with me. I just didn't think you wanted to be stuck with me anymore."

"I'm so sorry." He caressed the side of her face. "I didn't mean to push you away so much. I just…"

"I know that…now." She interrupted.

"Can you ever forgive me? I've treated you so badly lately."

"Come here." She pulled him into a hug.

"I know I don't deserve your forgiveness, but I'm asking for it anyway." He told her, clinging on to her like she was life raft in the ocean.

"All I've wanted is for you to feel comfortable telling me what's wrong. And now you have." She paused. "Harvey, we can't keep things like this from each other. It tore you apart on the inside and almost destroyed us."

"I know." He nodded.

"But you did the right thing by finally telling me." She smiled. "Now we can deal with this together."

"God I love you." He sighed.

"I love you too." She leaned in for another kiss.

He wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her closer to him. After a moment, she climbed on to his lap. He started kissing her neck, marking a trail from her ear all the way down to her collarbone.

"Harvey…" She moaned softly.

"Lay back." He watched as she moved back so that she was closer to the headboard of the bed. He gently stalked her, careful not to put his full weight on her. He leaned down and kissed her on the mouth hungrily, feeling her wrap her arms around his neck to pull him in deeper.

After a few moments he pulled away, focusing his attention now on her slightly rounded stomach. He pulled her shirt up to expose her stomach. By his calculations, she was at the twelve week mark now, which meant they could start telling people, and she wasn't showing too much yet. But he knew her body inside and out and could definitely tell the difference.

He had been so distracted and preoccupied with his grief and guilt. He had let Rebecca down in so many ways, one of which was being an active partner in this pregnancy. He had been ignoring all of his responsibilities for too long. That was going to change now.

He kissed her stomach and then laid his head down gently, cradling her. Inside there was the child they created together, formed from their love. Although he was nowhere near fine yet and realized it would be a while before he could finally make peace with everything relating to Marcus, he realized he had to step up.

He had to show dream Marcus that he was wrong. He wasn't going to end up driving Rebecca away and he wasn't going to end up alone. He would do what none of the other Specter men had done before…he would be happy with his family and he would keep his family intact at all costs.

After a few more moments, he felt her reach for him. "C'mon." She told him.

He moved so that he was next to her.

"It's late." She pointed to the clock on the nightstand. "You're sleeping in here with me."

"I…"

"No." She interrupted him. "I know you have nightmares and I hope for your sake you don't have one tonight. But it doesn't matter to me if you wake me up fifteen times in a night. You are sleeping next to me from now on and that is non-negotiable."

He couldn't help but smile a little at her bossiness. "If you insist."

"I do insist." She grinned.

He got up off the bed and took off his shoes. He was about to take off his shirt when she stood up and started helping him. The feeling of her hands on his bare chest as she slid the shirt off of him was almost intoxicating. He couldn't help but wrap his arms around her waist and pull her closer.

He was glad that she rested her head on his chest and held on to him. "Are we going to be ok?"

"What do you think?" She chuckled, letting go of him so she could kiss him.

"I think I was an idiot for not telling you sooner."

She grinned and kissed him on the cheek before getting back into bed. "I wouldn't necessarily say you were an idiot. Fool is the word that comes to mind."

"Fool works for me too." He said, taking his pants off and then joining her in bed. He was happy when she cuddled up to him, resting her head on his chest.