• • •

I grunted a bit as I threw myself back onto my mattress… This was getting ridiculous..! I hadn't been able to have a decent night's sleep in weeks. Granted, I never slept well most of the time, but it seemed so much worse now.

Usually I was able to get a couple of hours of sleep every night, even if that did mean just two or so. However, recently, I've barely been able to get one; it seemed like every time I shut my eyes those memories came flying back.

I blinked my blurry vision clear, looking at the electric green alarm clock next to my bed; 2:18 am.

Running my fingers through my hair, I continued to inhale and exhale in a rhythmic pattern. If I couldn't sleep, then I'd just try meditating for a bit. Clearing my head usually did the trick every once in a while. Squeezing my eyes shut, I wiped my thoughts away…

Slowly drifting off into my sleep.

However, it would better be described as revisiting my nightmares.

• • •

I had just turned four years old.

I was still young and very naïve. My innocence made my parents proud; they never wanted me to be dragged into their own problems. That's the reason why, on that day, I had been allowed to visit my Grandfather.

It was the first time that I'd seen him since I was born, probably. I remembered hearing stories about him from my Mom, but that was it. I was too young to understand the depth of the division between my Mom and her family, so I didn't even try to understand.

It was a nice, sunny day. Very warm for normal days in April; normally people would expect the last chances of snow, not lukewarm almost summer days. During my visit with my Grandfather, my older cousin had shown up. I hadn't been close to him either, so it was like I had made a new friend. The three of us, including our Grandfather, went hiking to a beautiful clearing in the forest, while he told us stories about warriors who fought against evil monsters to protect everyone.

This struck a chord with me, I remember.

I had always been able to see those monsters. I knew that his words were real, not just some story out of a storybook. Grandfather probably knew that I wasn't stupid, even for four years old. I might have been innocent and naïve, but I could still put two and two together.

However, I didn't question him about it; how could I, in front of my older cousin who was amazed by those stories..?

My Uncle, my cousin's father, was the one to take me home.

Mom was waiting outside, leaning against our front door as we arrived. Uncle had helped me from his car, walking with me to the door. For the life of me, I can't remember the cool words that they exchanged; but, I do remember the feelings. It all seemed sort of forced, tense even. Both of their glasses glinted in the light as they finished exchanging curt greetings and a false "How are you doing?", along with goodbyes.

"Junko, let's go inside. It's getting late." Mom said, looking down at me with her warm honey brown eyes. They were so much brighter and full of life than Uncle's were, even if they were hidden behind glasses. Her deep black hair fell down in a curtain as she easily picked me up and carried me inside.

"*Kaa-San..!" I squealed as she picked me up, not expecting it. A smile flitted across her face, as she then began spinning around with me in her arms, causing me to laugh.

"Did you have a nice visit with your *Ojii-San?" Mom asked once she stopped, a smaller smile on her face. This one seemed forced, even to me as a dense four year old.

I brought my small hands up to her cheeks, spreading them further apart so that the smile dramatically widened. I smiled myself, "Yes, going to Ojii-San's was so much fun! I even met *Itoko-Kun..!"

"Sounds like you had a lot of fun." Mom mused, smiling despite her harsh feelings towards her family. She was making an effort so that I could get to know them, I understood that much. That's why Mom wasn't there with my Grandfather, too. They didn't get along that well. Mom was somewhat closer to Uncle, but it was still tense and strained.

"Yeah..! I'll get to go back again soon, right?" I asked, feeling my bright blue eyes widen in anticipation for her answer. I knew that she couldn't resist my eyes when I made them bigger; they were just like my Dad's.

"We'll see about that." She answered back, her smile back to its frail state. I didn't like seeing Mom like that; I wanted her to be happy.

"Well, well~! It sounds like someone had a fun visit!"

I squealed yet again, feeling myself flying upwards in the air. Dad's arms circled around my waist, pulling me back into his arms with a smile. Giggles erupted from my mouth as he tickled me; he knew all of my ticklish spots. I squirmed around in this grip, but it was too strong for me to break out of. I squealed again, "*Tou-San..!"

"Hayate..!" Mom chastised, pointing at him with one of her fingers. A faux glare appeared on her face as she wiggled her finger; it was like she was talking to another child. "Don't get Jun all worked up! It's almost her bedtime..!"

"Hehe, sorry about that…" Dad replied, tucking me under one of his arms as he used the other to scratch the back of his short silver hair. His blue eyes were closed sheepishly, hiding our matching orbs.

Mom then easily pulled me from under his arm, and cradled me in her arms again. I smiled, running my small hands through her long dark hair. It was so soft, like silk.

We had a nice family dinner. I remember that Mom was a great cook; and she had made all of my favorites that night!

"Now it's time for bed, Jun." Mom cooed, as she lightly tapped the tip of my nose with her finger, causing me to go cross eyed as I looked at it resting on my nose. She chuckled, before picking me up. "You know it's already way past your bed time, so… Off we go!"

"But… Kaa-San!" I whined, "I don't wanna go to sleep yet..!"

"And why not?" She asked, her glasses flashing for a second before she moved her head to the side in a curious manner, blinking.

"Cause…" I paused, trying to think up a good excuse. "I-I'm not tired..!"

"There's nothing to be afraid of, Jun-Kun!" Dad piped in, as he followed Mom and me into my room, walking backwards and smiling at me. He always knew how to calm me down and keep me at ease. Dad kneeled down on one side of my bed while Mom placed me in it, tucking the covers up to my waist as I sat up.

"Your Tou-San's right, Jun." Mom spoke up, running her hands through my chin length dark hair. "We will always be here to protect you."

Mom smiled down at me; a mirror image of my smile today.

"Of course..!" Dad spoke, ruffling my short hair. It stuck up on its ends, looking more like a birds nest. Mom sighed, before trying to fix it once more. "We'll always protect 'ya from those scary monsters..!"

"Tou-San..!" I whined, as Mom raked her fingers through the tangles in my hair, causing me to wince. He just chuckled sheepishly, shooting me a sly grin.

"Good night," Both spoke at the same time, kissing each of my cheeks. Standing up, they walked over to my doorway, flickering off the light. All that was left was my panda night light, barely producing any light at all.

"Sleep tight, Jun-Kun." Dad advised, "Don't let the bed bugs bite~!"

"Night, Tou-San…" I murmured, snuggling into my pillow and feeling my eyelids grow heavy; I was tired, after all.

I remember waking up from my slumber early, like I usually did. However, this time something seemed…off. I swear that I heard a howl, like the ones from those monsters. Shooting up from my bed, I sat there and stared out of my window. The tree outside was casting dark, scary shadows. They rapidly moved back and forth. I now know that the wind was blowing the bare branches, creating the moving shadows. But, none the less, it scared the four year old me. Then I felt a heavy pressure, making me stiffen in surprise. Another animal like howl echoed through my room. I jammed my small hands to my ears, hoping that it would block out the sound. It was no use, the howling only got worse.

I had broken out in a cold sweat, my face glistening in the barely there light. Even my panda night light had flickered out, leaving me sitting there in the dark with barely any light coming in through the window. Trying to be brave, I threw the rest of the covers off of me, and tiptoed out of my room. I had to check on Mom and Dad, to make sure that they were okay. I felt scared for them and the feeling sat like a brick in my stomach.

When I made it to their room, I saw that they were gone.

I yelped out loud as I heard another howl, and ran back to my room. I slipped on a pair of shoes, and threw a bright yellow raincoat on over my pajamas. I could hear the rain pounding against the window, so I also grabbed my small umbrella.

I stepped outside, but the wind was too fierce. It turned my umbrella inside out, ripping it out of my small grip. I shivered, pulling my hood closer to my face. The pressure seemed to get even worse..!

It was darker than it should be outside; like all of the light had run away and were hiding behind the thick black clouds. Even the moon wasn't peering through like it usually would. The wind blew me forward, almost like it was guiding me.

I followed the wind for what seemed life forever. But it wasn't that long at all, actually. But, I finally saw the horrible monster.

It was huge; much larger than any of the other monsters that I had seen before. This one gave the buildings a run for their money. It looked like a mix between an elephant and a lizard… having what looked like black scale-like skin, a long trunk, and tusks. Its hands were like lizard claws, and it also had a mane like some scary lizards had. There were red jagged lines all over its black body, while its mask remained a stark white.

My sharp eyes zeroed in on two figures that were fighting off the creature… Mom and Dad!

Dad was dressed in a black kimono, with a large sword in his hand. There was also a white haori over the black kimono, although it looked tattered and torn. Mom was behind him, knees on the ground as she was holding her shoulder.

"You'll never catch me..!" The monster howled out, its voice similar to nails on a chalkboard. A shiver worked its way down my small spine, causing me to shudder. The monster sent its claw towards Dad, leaving a few gashes on him that seemed to weep crimson blood. He managed to knock the claw back with his large sword, charging towards it.

I looked around and took in the damage. All around them, buildings had been knocked down and destroyed, trees were uprooted, and cars were upturned and sitting on their roofs or on their sides. A few power lines had been knocked down and broken, causing electricity to crackle dangerously near them.

"Tou-San…" I whispered, my eyes wide as I saw him try to fight off the monster, just like he said he would. My words were downed in a loud clap of thunder from the dark clouds, as a strike of lighting lit up the area.

I blinked in surprise; the monster had struck its claw straight through Dad's stomach..! No!

"Hayate!" Mom cried out, her face white and panic stricken. Blood had splattered everywhere, making it look like it was raining just blood and not water for a couple of seconds. I saw Mom stand up, running towards the monster.

She wasn't quick enough.

I saw the monster swivel, thrusting the same claw through her chest.

The look on her face… it was horrible!

She was pale, with blood splatters on her cheeks. Her eyes were wide, as if she didn't feel the pain and was just surprised. Her glasses were cracked, and covered with streaks of water. I screamed in horror as the monster swiped its claw to the side, ripping her entire left side off. Mom tumbled to the ground, not moving.

"Another one..?" The monster shrieked, turning as its bright yellow eyes landed on me. I had tried hiding behind a nearby tree, but it was too thin and didn't hide all of me. I gasped, not being able to find the strength to move my legs. The pressure seemed to increase tenfold, as I fell to my knees.

I screamed as it lunged at me, covering my eyes with my hands and hanging my head. I waited for the impact that I was sure was going to come, but I felt nothing. Tentatively, I spread my fingers apart, looking through them.

"Tou-San..!" I exhaled, happy. He was still alive!

Dad looked horrible. He was covered in blood, staining his white haori crimson. His normally lightly tanned skin was as white as a piece of paper, and his eyes had dark circles under them.

"Run away, now..!" He choked out, coughing blood up. "I-It's not safe… go..!"

Dad's body limply fell to the ground, his chest heaving. I cried out his name again, crawling my way over towards his side. Shaking his shoulder, I called out his name, over and over again. He didn't answer.

"Tou-San… Tou-San..! Wake up! You promised!" I hysterically cried, feeling the rain mix with the tears that cascaded down my face. "You promised me! You promised me that you'd protect me from those monsters! You promised me!"

The air thickened again.

I felt like I couldn't breathe.

"That's…right." A voice said, "I did promise that."

Dad started to glow with a bright white light that hurt to look at. It engulfed his body, covering him from head to toe. He slowly rose up, climbing to his feet as he steadied his sword. When he opened his eyes, they were no longer a bright blue like my own.

They were a fiery white color, just like the light covering him.

"I'm sorry, but…" He spoke, his words sounding painful. "This is the last monster that I will be able to protect you from."

The light seemed to drain from his body, collecting in his large sword. It spiraled around, looking like a large dragon. Pointing his sword at the monster, the light dragon darted out, colliding with it. The monster shrieked out in pain as the dragon clawed and bit at it, breaking its mask. It then vanished..!

"Tou-San..! Tou-San, you did it..!" I exclaimed, grinning brightly as I watched the monster fade away.

"Sorry, Jun-Kun…" Dad gasped out, causing my eyes to snap back to him.

He looked awful. His body collapsed to the ground, and I watched in horror as his chest stopped moving up and down; he was no longer breathing. Whatever color that he had was gone, drained from his face. His wounds seemed to overflow with blood, as I watched it pool around him. The light that had previously lit up the area from the dragon faded away as well, leaving us in the dark.

"N-No… No…!" I cried out in horror, placing my small hand to his cheek. It felt like ice; there was no longer any of the warmth that he always had. I shook my head from side to side ferociously, not wanting to believe it.

I shakily stood to my feet, beginning to run over to Mom.

If Dad was dead, then she had to be alive.

They both couldn't leave me here like this.

A flash of lightening illuminated her carcass, causing my eyes to widen. I'd never seen anything so grotesque in my life. The loud peals of thunder downed out my screams of terror.

I couldn't breathe.

This couldn't be real..!

It all had to be a nightmare!

I felt dizzy, still hyperventilating. I fell to the ground in a heap, not finding the energy to move. Everything seemed to fade into darkness, as I was left to my tears; mourning the death of my parents with the Earth.

The rain picked up, pounding like quick tears.

I was alone.

• • •

I sucked in a breath of air, filling my lungs to the brim as I shot up from my bed. I clutched my heart with my hand, feeling the erratic heartbeat. It was beating quickly…

My breaths were coming in sharp gasps, as my body felt the after effects from my nightmare. Each time I was woken up from it, it remembered the panic attack that it had gone through on that night.

I brought my hands up to my face, wiping away the sheen of cold sweat. I shuddered, pulling the thin blanket closer to me as I buried my face in the fabric and lightly screamed in agony.

I wanted to forget about it all, but the memories wouldn't easily be buried. They resurfaced almost every night, causing me to live in the past. I hated the feeling of being so weak and helpless. Feeling that I couldn't do anything to help stop what I knew was going to happen. And if I didn't dream about my parents being slaughtered before my eyes, then I dreamed of my countless foster parents following in their footsteps..!

The Hollows had been attracted to me because of my high reiatsu that I wasn't able to control. It grew as I got older, causing even more problems.

I was motivated to do anything I could to not let anyone else perish from the Hollows, like many had before. That's why I became a Shinigami. If I hadn't…more would have sought me out and attacked whoever to get to me.

A part of me wondered if my parents would have been proud of me for becoming a Shinigami. After all, from what I remembered from that night, Dad was a Shinigami as well. But, Mom's family disowned her for marrying a Shinigami. They surely wouldn't welcome me with open arms now that I was one as well. I knew that much already.

I shakily took in a gulp of hair, running my hands across my face before burying them in my hair as I grasped onto the roots. I had to pull myself together.

Remembering everything like that and living in the past will only make things more difficult in the long run. Nothing I can possibly do could change the past. Because of that, I should just focus on the future instead.

Besides, I couldn't let anyone worry about me.

I refused to have people spend their time and energy worrying about me; just the thought of people doing so disgusted me. I was supposed to be strong enough to care for myself.

So, I'd just have to keep on going.

Taking things simple, one step in front of the other.

I wouldn't show anyone my weakness. I had to keep a tough front.

Sparing a glance at the alarm clock, I saw that it was only 4:02 am. Might as well get ready for the day; nothing had changed in all of these years.

• • •

Alright, I'm sure you saw the little asterisks in the story.

That's because, I'll tell you what they mean down here, if you don't already know what they mean.

* Kaa-San: Mom

* Ojii-San: Grandfather

* Itoko-Kun: Older male cousin

* Tou-San: Father