Bella's POV

I didn't always feel like an outsider looking in any longer. Some days, I was actually beginning to feel in control of my life… more of an active participant, than someone just existing and accepting life as it came. It was a strange feeling… but acknowledging it only further boosted me, helped the normalcy to grow.

There were still times throughout each day where I struggled… always haunted by memories, flashbacks, and various triggers… but those times now were moments intercepting my day… no longer hijacking it completely.

Now I was beginning to focus on other things, aside from my recovery from captivity; my focus, energy, and drive all shifting.

Each day I made sure that my routine was intact. I was getting ready to write the GED test, for my high school diploma equivalency. It would be a long and gruelling exam, but I knew it would be worth it in the end. I was finally ready to move forward and I was hoping some basic college courses would happen in the future, as well as the opportunity to earn my own way… something that both Charlie and Edward had insisted that I didn't need to worry about yet, but that I wanted to ensure that I was capable of.

"You are an angel Bella!" Rosalie exclaimed as she came into the living room from the kitchen. She had picked me up and we had gone to Alice's house, something that had happened a few times now but was still new to me. It was strange having these close female friends again… and although I felt like I had known them forever, I had still missed so much over the last decade.

"You have to teach me how to do that!" She laughed as she sat across from me on the floor.

"Me too! You are like… the baby whisperer!" Alice joined in as she followed Rosalie and sat down, leaning against the chair and letting out a low groan.

I was leaning against the sofa, Haley snoozing in my arms. She was getting big and busy now, pulling herself up and crawling everywhere. She was a beautiful child… but according to Emmett and Rosalie, she was also a nightmare to get to sleep. Nearly every time I held her though, within a few minutes she was snoring lightly, relaxed and lounging in my arms. The first time it happened, Rosalie couldn't believe it, and when it kept happening she began to joke about me being magical.

"I miss this." Alice and Rosalie had been chatting quietly while I stared down at Haley's peaceful face. She looked angelic and although it was a horrible time for me, I still missed when I had been able to hold Nessie like this while she slept.

The room was quiet while the two women watched me, neither knowing what to say.

"Do you think… one day… would you like to have another child? Is it a possibility?" Alice was the first to speak up, her words nervous as she must have been wondering if this was an okay topic. For the most part, when I was with these two, we avoided talk of my time in the bunker.

"Does it make me terrible that after Anthony… as horrible as it was… as devastated as I was… that I was also relieved?" I asked cautiously, my eyes never leaving Haley's face. Nobody answered my question. I didn't expect them too. I had never confessed this feeling to anyone else before… it had always been something that plagued me, and filled me with a deep sense of shame.

"With Ness… when she was born… I was terrified. But I did everything I could to keep her safe and loved." I began to explain, a single tear trickling down my cheek. "Every time he came in, I hid her. I taught her how to act, hide, and stay quiet… I kept her out of his reach. He still managed to grab her and shove her a few times… but nothing like what he did to me… even though he started to threaten it more and more, the older that she got." I continued, swallowing thickly. "When I gave birth to Anthony and he was blue with the cord around his neck… I tried to save him… I did everything that I could. I didn't want him to die… but afterwards… when I realized… and when James took him away…" I paused, sniffling and reaching across to grab the box of Kleenex that Alice handed me.

"I was relieved that I wouldn't have two kids to have to hide, teach, and protect. It was so hard with Nessie… and we barely survived… the food… the abuse…" I stuttered out. I couldn't say anything else. The guilt over my confession was consuming me. There was no doubt that I had loved my child that had died… but I knew that I couldn't have protected them both, saved them both. As I cried silently, both Alice and Rosalie moved next to me, one on either side, their arms wrapping around me in an embrace.

They both spent time following my confession trying to reassure me. Their presence meant more to me than their words though.

"Part of me wants to have another child someday." I began a little while later. The conversation was heavy, but they didn't seem to mind, both of them willing to listen to whatever I needed to get out. "I see Haley… and I see you Alice, pregnant and glowing and ready… and I want to do things right, with freedom, with someone that I love…" I paused again, Edward's face filling my mind as I envisioned it. He was amazing and I had no doubt that he would love to have a child with me one day as well, even though we hadn't actually spoken about it yet. "But I also want to give Nessie the time and attention she deserves as well… I want to make sure she is happy and settled… and I don't ever want her to think that I'm trying to do things to replace my memories of the bunker… because as terrible as it was, I could never replace my memories of her and I… together in there. It was her childhood…" I tried to explain and Rosalie nodded along. "I also don't want to have a baby one day, thinking that it makes up for losing Anthony… or you know… the relief that I felt after he was gone…" I said a little quieter.

"When I was fifteen… I got into a huge fight with Emmett and Jasper." Rosalie told me a minute later. I watched as Alice looked over nervously and it caught my attention. A lot of things that had happened over the last twelve years, hadn't made it to my ears yet… I didn't know all of the ups and downs that my friends had faced in that time.

"Emmett wanted to ask me out, and Jasper told him 'no'. He thought Emmett was too old and too immature to date his sister… and he just wanted to protect me the way that he always had." She said and I shifted to a more comfortable position, Haley sighing gently as I moved.

"As a result, I ended up getting mad at them both… I got into some bad stuff… Alice and Edward were both struggling with some depression issues, so I didn't really want to bother either of them with what was going on. I started hanging out with a rougher crowd at school." She admitted, her head hanging down and her hands nervously playing with the couch cushion she had pulled into her lap.

"I ended up going to a party at this guy's house out on the reservation. He was a friend of this guy that I had started seeing and I was kind of looking to rebel against everything. That night though… I said 'no' to the guy I was seeing, and instead of backing off… he raped me." She confessed and I felt my jaw drop. After everything, I couldn't believe that I was only hearing about this now. "At first I was so shaken up that I didn't tell anybody… I just went home the next morning… and then I stopped hanging out with that group of guys." She continued. "A couple of weeks later, I discovered that I was pregnant." She admitted and I shook my head.

"What happened?" I asked, as though possessed… I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answer, and yet, I couldn't stop myself from asking.

"That's when I told Jasper what happened… and he told Emmett… and Emmett told Carlisle…" She laughed darkly, her eyes glistening.

"I was pretty shaken up, and I was terrified of what would happen when Royce… the guy I was seeing… found out." She told me. "Emmett came through though… he stayed by my side after that, never wavering, never doubting me. He was prepared to step up and be a father to my child… a child that I knew without a doubt that I loved, despite the way it had gotten there." I nodded as she spoke. I knew that feeling… that terror mixed with love. It was nothing that anyone who hadn't experienced it, could actually understand. "I was almost three months along when I started to bleed and cramp… Emmett took me to the hospital where they told me that there was no heartbeat, and that I was miscarrying." She paused, wiping her eyes.

"I know that sense of relief that you described about Anthony." She locked eyes with me and I nodded just slightly. Now I understood her position, her experience.

"I loved and wanted that baby like you wouldn't believe and my heart broke the day that I lost him… but I was also relieved that I would get a chance in the future to do things differently, with a guy that I chose."

"When Haley came along… I felt so guilty, so sure that I was going to go to Hell for being so happy, and for feeling like I was replacing the child I lost. It took me a long time… but I know now… I know that no child will ever replace the ones that don't make it. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with being happy about having another child. We don't replace them in our hearts… we just grow our hearts bigger to love them all." She finished and I reached over, grabbing her hand.

"Thank you." I needed her to know how much I appreciated her honesty. Sometimes those closest to me were the most afraid to be real, raw, and honest with me, fearing that it would upset or trigger me somehow. I loved Rosalie though for letting me into this piece of her life that I hadn't been around for.

I did ask Rosalie a few more questions, and the three of us chatted more about the future. I confessed my desire to be with Edward… and also my fear of intimacy. We talked through the plans I was making to attend college eventually and Alice shared plans for their baby and the fear that Jasper was facing… wondering if he could be a good father.

By the time that Rosalie dropped me off at home, I felt much lighter… more prepared for a future with Edward. I knew that I was nowhere near ready to even really think about having another baby – I couldn't even think about sex yet – but I felt better knowing that it was a future possibility, one that I wanted to sit down and talk to Edward about in more detail.

Once Nessie arrived home from school, I thought through a few things before deciding on a course of action for that evening. Charlie was working late and so I called Esme, asking her if she was busy, and if not could Nessie go over there for a couple of hours while Edward and I went out.

Over the course of the last few hours, I had decided that I was going to talk to him… he deserved to know – in words – where I stood with our relationship. I wanted to keep moving forward, and not remain stuck just because of my past.

I wasn't ready to get married, move too quickly physically, or to plan our entire life. But I was ready to let him know how much he meant to me… how much I truly loved and appreciated him.

Even though we had already drifted together, and I had trusted him from the beginning. Even though we had already begun to build a foundation for a relationship… his dedication to both me and Nessie apparent… I needed him to know.

It was time to tell him everything.