Bella's POV
Edward and I had done a lot of things together over the last few months, and on numerous occasions I had fallen asleep while cuddling on the couch, or while watching a movie, or even just while chatting. Unfortunately the nightmares were still vivid at night and it was easiest for me to relax and get a cat-nap in when I was relaxed and with him. But in all of our time together, he had never fallen asleep with me… let alone for an entire night. Even when he had stayed with me after Victoria had turned herself in… he hadn't slept… he had only held me while I did.
When I woke up on the couch in his arms, I didn't know what to think. The morning light was coming through the small basement window, and his arm was draped loosely around my waist. I didn't remember having any nightmares and I felt different… refreshed by a solid nights' sleep, instead of fatigued and groggy as I was used to.
Behind me I could hear Edward's steady breathing and I shifted a little bit, pulling back even further against him.
For the next little while I simply laid in his arms, treasuring the feeling of being with him, in this intimate position, without panic or fear. Sleeping beside him had been incredible and although it had originally been one of my fears – that sleeping together couldn't mean simply sleeping beside each other – I felt okay with it… like this was an acceptable place in our relationship. Perhaps I was more ready for a future with him than I gave myself credit for.
"Mmmm… Good morning." He whispered groggily after a few more minutes, his head shifting and his hand moving to hold me tighter again.
"Good morning." I whispered back, pushing myself up and rolling over so that I was facing him. For a brief moment, I worried about the possibility of morning breath before I stopped caring and kissed him anyways.
"Hm, this is the best way to wake up." He said as we broke apart and I smiled. I didn't disagree… no matter what my nerves told me.
As we laid there together and spoke about the day ahead, I tried to figure out what had me so panicked about the possibility of moving in with Edward. I knew he hadn't asked me yet… not wanting to push me into something that I had quite firmly and repeatedly announced that I wasn't ready for yet... but why wasn't I ready? Was it just a fear of changing again? Was it comfort? Was it fear of intimacy? All I knew was that laying there on the couch like that with him, I wasn't afraid, and I didn't know what was stopping me from taking another step forward.
The day continued on as normal after that. Edward and I eventually getting up and moving upstairs to find Nessie just climbing out of bed herself. We spent the remainder of the day running errands and preparing for the week ahead. It was going to be a busy one, with Edward and I both working more than usual, and Nessie busy with day camp and art class.
For the most part, the days that followed were non-stop for us. George Simpson – the man who owned the bookstore – my current boss and the man who had taken his chance on me as one of his only two employees – had suffered a minor stroke over the weekend and would be taking a little time off. I had offered to fill in with whatever was needed at the store, and it placed me into full-time hours, a huge and sudden change from the two days I had previously worked each week. But it felt good to be doing something… to be working full time and able to provide things that Nessie and I needed without outside help.
In the evenings when I arrived back to my dad's house from the store, Nessie and Dad would often be passed out in the living room, watching a show or a game. Occasionally Edward was there as well, waiting up for me to help me get Nessie into bed before we would share a few moments, and then he would be gone as well. It was tourist season now, and though we weren't a primary tourist destination, we were a popular stop along the way – our quaint downtown attractive to city-tourists. It also meant that both Dad and Edward were busier as well… with heavier traffic flow, it meant more stupidity on the roads, and unfortunately an increase in accidents, petty crime, and fighting.
It was nearly three weeks before Edward and I had more than a few minutes together. As it turned out, George's stroke was more severe than initially believed and it had been followed a week later by a larger, even more severe stroke. He would be alright but he would have a longer recovery, and his health had given him a wakeup call, and when I heard from his daughter, she informed me that he had decided to take a much longer leave of absence from the store. I had been asked to continue on a permanent fulltime basis for the time being and I had readily agreed, enjoying my work. Once we hired a younger girl to fill my previous part time hours, things finally began to level out and I found a new groove.
"This feels better." I sighed contentedly from my place on the blanket while I watched Nessie wander in the surf. Edward was sitting beside me, a bottle of water in one hand and his other holding onto mine. It may have been overcast, but it was warm and we were happy to be out and together for the day.
"What's that?" Edward's voice was soft as he stared out at Nessie as she played. It warmed my heart to see his protective nature… the way that I knew he watched both of us, willing and ready to jump in and protect us at a second's notice. It wasn't overbearing at all… just there, wary, and constant.
"Being with you." I whispered quietly, biting down on my lip and turning to watch his expression. His face was stoic as he swallowed thickly, his eyes still looking towards the water, but shining as the emotion hit him.
"Bells…" He paused and turned towards me, his hand squeezing mine gently as he took a moment to formulate his thoughts. "You know I'm not going anywhere, right?" He asked and then shook his head softly, closing his eyes and beginning again. "I mean… you know that no matter what happens… I'll always be here for you – and for Renesmee – anytime. Whether you live at Charlie's, or whether you and Ness eventually move into your own place… I'll still be there for you… with you…" He said again, his voice rough with his nerves and suddenly it hit me. I had been so wrapped up in my fear of moving too quickly, that I hadn't noticed his fears and insecurities.
"Edward I'm sorry!" I apologised quickly and he looked away from me suddenly, his face darkening as he stared back towards Ness. She was still at the edge of the water, laying down and giggling as the waves gently washed up and over top of her. Before he could say anything I elaborated, "I want to move in with you Edward." He didn't move, his hand still tightly holding onto mine as we sat in silence for a minute.
"I've been thinking quite a bit over the last few weeks… and after that night that we crashed on the couch together at your parents' house, I began to question what I was afraid of and why I believed I wasn't ready yet…" I told him cautiously, my eyes blinking back a few early tears.
"Bella I don't want to push you… and I would never expect you to make a huge decision like this while you're still trying to figure things out. I understand that you aren't ready… and I know… you might not be ready for a long time… or even ever. I just needed you to know that I'm okay…"
"Edward stop." I ordered him and reached up, my hand pressing against his cheek and turning his face to mine.
"Just listen to me for a minute." I ordered him gently and he sighed, closing his eyes and nodding his head.
"I'm not sure what I'm afraid of." I began again slowly, I wanted… no I needed… him to know this. I needed to reassure him that I was in this relationship as much as he was. "But it's not you… not in any way." I continued, nodding my head and biting down on my lip. This much I was sure of.
"I want to move in with you. And Nessie wants to move in with you." I stated firmly, watching as his fear turned into confusion.
"I just want things to be deliberate. I want to do things better… properly." I tried to explain and then backtracked. "I feel like so much was stolen from me… and from Ness… and since we've been back, life has just kinda swept us forward with things playing out as they happen. I don't always know what to expect, and when decisions have been made, they have just been gradual steps that seem right at the time, but really haven't had much planning involved." I tried to explain it and I saw him begin to nod at me.
"Edward, I want to be with you. I want us to move in with you. It probably won't be right away… but I want to set a goal and work towards that. I want to plan it and make it happen in the right way, with discussion and excitement and preparation. I want to work towards it. I want to make myself work towards it." I continued and he finally smiled at me.
"Isabella Swan, I love you." He didn't say another word as he leaned over, his lips meeting mine and sending sparks throughout my entire being.
"Momma!" Her shrill cry broke us apart and I whipped my head around quickly, my eyes searching the shore where I had last seen my daughter.
Edward and I both stood up, both of us scanning the area while my heart raced. I couldn't see my daughter and I mentally berated myself for taking my eyes off of her and losing focus.
"Momma!" she called out again, her voice seeming to wrap around us with the wind that had begun to pick up.
"Nessie!" Edward shouted and then he moved, his steps taking him to the left of where we had been sitting, and I shifted, following him before seeing my daughter coming towards us, panic in her eyes.
The beach wasn't overly busy, but there were quite a few people out and enjoying the day. Seeing Nessie as she ran towards Edward's outstretched arms, I was searching the general area, automatically looking for anything out of place… anything at all suspicious or dangerous.
"What happened Ness? Are you alright?" Edward demanded as soon as she was safe in his arms, his eyes still frantically moving over the entire area.
"I'm sorry Edward." Nessie was crying and I leaned down, pulling her against me and holding tightly onto her.
"Tell us what happened Renesmee." I spoke firmly but gently, holding her against me as I felt my own tears threatening to fall. I needed to be strong now. This wasn't like my daughter, something had shaken her up.
"I… I wasn't paying attention…" She sobbed out and I nodded, looking up at Edward. He was still hyper-aware of the area around us, but I could see him also paying attention to what she was saying. "I was playing and picking up bits of driftwood to take home with us." She continued, sniffling gently. "And then I remembered that I was supposed to stay right in front of the blanket and when I looked up I couldn't see you anymore." She continued and I tried to understand… she had just wandered down the beach? Nessie was naturally inquisitive and although I could see her worry over wandering away, this was something else. She was still shaking in my arms as she sobbed.
"What happened when you couldn't see us?" I asked her, my voice wavering. I was trying to hold it together, but I had a rock forming in my gut. Something wasn't right.
"When you weren't there I started to walk back to look for you." She whispered and suddenly her head shot up, her eyes searching mine.
"He grabbed my arm. He told me I ruined his life." She stated quietly, the tears suddenly stopping. Her eyes were piercing mine and I felt a shiver run down my spine. Standing taller I picked Nessie up in my arms, something that I rarely did anymore. Edward was silent, but I felt his arm wrap around my shoulder as his eyes looked all around us… in every direction.
"I… I bit him…" Nessie said again and I let out a deep breath, the tears pushing out of my eyes and rolling down my cheeks.
"I'm sorry Momma!"
"Can you tell me what he looked like Ness?" Edward spoke carefully, his arm tightening around my shoulder as he led us back to our spot on the beach. When we got there he threw everything into the beach bag, his eyes never stopping as I helped him to quickly pack up our things.
"He had dark skin… and he looked dirty, like he didn't have a home." She answered and I swallowed thickly. "He smelled gross too."
Nessie couldn't give us anything else for a description. She had barely looked at his face, focused on the arm that was holding onto her and trying to get away. After she had bitten him, she had run back down the beach and by the time we had spotted her, he was long gone.
Honestly, she didn't have to say anything else. Edward and I both knew who it was before she had even said a word… our instincts kicking in as our worst fears were confirmed. By the time we made it back into town, we turned and headed directly towards the station, where Edward and I recounted the events of the day to my father.
By the time we returned to the Cullen residence, following a brief dinner at the diner… I was completely exhausted… the heightened emotions from the day wearing me out completely. As Edward was met by his mother, filled with questions on what had happened, I snuck away with Nessie to the guest room, to get her ready for bed.
"Why did that man say that I ruined his life?" She asked as I tucked her into the blankets. I really wasn't in the mood to answer her questions right now, barely able to sort out the answers for myself. But I knew that Nessie and I had always been partners and had always been open with each other. I never wanted her to feel like she couldn't ask me questions.
"Sometimes, people make bad decisions in life…" I began and I watched as her eyes began to close. "When the choices that they make lead to consequences that they don't like… they need to find someone to blame. Even when that person had nothing to do with what happened." I tried to explain, still not fully understanding it myself.
"What if he comes back?" She asked quietly, the fear evident in her voice.
"Grandpa Charlie is doing everything that he can, to make sure that doesn't happen." I tried to assure her, but it was difficult, my own fears matching hers.
This had been a close call… but if Laurent Da Revin was desperate enough… there was no telling what he was capable of at this point.
It only took Nessie a few more minutes to fall asleep and as I left her side to find Edward, I found my chest begin to tighten… my own panic coming through now that Nessie was out of earshot.
"Is she alright?" Esme asked as I joined her, Carlisle, and Edward in the living room. Nodding my head I moved to Edward's side, joining him on the sofa and curling into his arm.
"Are you alright." Esme asked carefully and again I nodded, pinching my eyes closed.
"I'll be fine." I whispered, knowing that I wasn't fooling anyone, but not ready to talk about it yet.
When it was clear that I wasn't going to say anything further, Edward and Carlisle picked up their conversation and I closed my eyes, feeling Edward's fingers trailing up and down my arm gently as he spoke. I needed the comfort of his touch tonight and he seemed to know that… or perhaps he needed the comfort of touching me.
When Esme and Carlisle announced that they were heading to bed and reminding Edward that the house alarm was set, I shifted, opening my eyes and saying goodnight to them.
For a few minutes, Edward and I sat in the dark, neither of us moving… neither of us speaking.
Eventually I turned, looking up into his eyes. It was relatively dark in the room, only a small lamp in the corner giving us any light. Moving up, I brought my lips to his. I needed this. More than ever, I needed to do this.
As he kissed me back, I felt us both shift, both of us now laying side by side on the sofa… his hands stroking my back, and mine beginning to roam over his body, finding the hem of his shirt and reaching underneath.
As my hands explored his skin, I felt him pull back a little, still kissing me, but less intense as his own hands stilled. This was new territory for us, but I wasn't going to back off.
Pressing my lips even harder against his, my left hand moved down, finding the waist band of his shorts and looking for the button that I wanted to undo. Finally finding it, I fiddled with it, my lips still attached to his, but his movements almost completely stopped.
"Bella, no." Pulling back from me, he grabbed my hand and I froze, not sure what to think.
"I want this Edward. I want this tonight." My voice was rough… with nerves, fear, or need… I wasn't sure. Perhaps it was a combination of all three.
"Not like this." He said again, his face strained and his eyes squeezing closed.
"Please Edward." I begged quietly. "I already know that I am going to have nightmares tonight… I know that I am going to be filled with horrible images and memories as soon as I close my eyes…" I tried to explain as I tried to move my hands again. But again he grabbed my wrist and stopped me.
"Bells… this is a reaction… a rushed decision." He reminded me and I felt my eyes begin to water. He was right, but it didn't make me want to slow down.
"I want something good to remember when the nightmares come." I was crying now, and he pulled me against him, kissing me on the forehead.
"When the nightmares come, I will be there. I promise. I'm not going anywhere." He whispered gently and I squeezed my eyes shut tightly again. "But I can't let this happen… not tonight." He reminded me and I nodded, waves of rejection washing over me.
"And I promise… that I want this. I want to be with you… when you are ready for it… and it's me and you… and we're able to do things deliberately… the right way." He spoke again and I tried to be patient. But tonight, all I wanted was to make the past disappear. And the only way that I knew how to do that, was to replace the bad memories with new ones. I knew what I needed… why wouldn't he give it to me?
With a sudden rush, anger began to fill me… nearly exploding out of me.
"I get it. I'm used right! I probably repulse you!" I knew the words weren't true, but the insecurities that had plagued me since my release where spewing out uncontrollably. I couldn't stop it and I couldn't slow it down as accusation after accusation poured out of me.
Standing up, my verbal assault against him continued as I began to move out of the living room and towards the stairs.
"Bella stop." Edward had been following me, not saying anything as I let the energy flow from my mouth… the bitterness and anger so out of character for me that I could see the shock on his face.
"When I saw him reach for me, I deflated again… the anger gone as suddenly as it had started.
"I'm sorry… I'm so sorry…" I felt my knees buckle, but before I could collapse, I was being held in his arms again, both of us crying now.
"We'll figure this out. We'll get through this together. And I promise… we will come out of this on the other side, and we will be everything that we are meant to be… we just need to make it over this bump in the road first." He whispered and I nodded. I knew the truth to his words.
"I love you Bella, I promise that we'll make it through this next stage together."