Bella's POV
"Momma! I don't feel good!" Nessie's voice was small, terrified. Blinking my eyes open I couldn't quite focus through the darkness… the strange sense of enclosure nearly suffocating me.
"My tummy hurts!" Her little voice wasn't full of the life and joy that she had embraced over the past year… no it was different… more like before.
Blinking my eyes several more times, the blackened room slowly started to focus and as I realised where we were, I squeezed them tightly shut again.
"Momma?" Her voice called out again and I shook my head back and forth, trying to block out the sound of my daughter's voice. This wasn't right. This wasn't Nessie. We were free.
"Is Mr. James ever gonna bring us more food? My tummy still hurts! Why can't we see outside? It's almost my birthday Momma!" She cried out, the words fearful, weak… starving for a childhood that she had been denied. I couldn't take it anymore, raising my hands to my ears, my eyes still squeezed tightly shut I found myself screaming at the top of my lungs:
"No more! I won't live in the bunker anymore!" Over and over again the words fell from my lips as I shook my head, flashes of everything blinding me as I saw twelve years of pain and torture and loneliness… twelve years of everything in reverse… leaving my head… moving with the sounds of my screams into the darkness.
"Bella, it's alright… I'm here." It took so long for Edward's voice to break through. I could hear my screams echoing against the walls of Edward's bedroom… but my eyes were still squeezed tightly closed and my hands were pressed up against my ears. I could feel his hands on my shoulders though and as the screams began to fade, his words became more and more clear. I knew I was sitting up and when I could finally feel my heart begin to slow it's frantic pace… I slowly opened my eyes to the darkness, not surprised to see Edward sitting up in front of me, his own eyes worried as he gently held onto me.
"I'm sorry." I apologised… not for the nightmare, but for worrying him. "It was just a dream…" I tried to explain, but in seconds he had pulled me up against himself.
"I've never heard you yell like that… for so long… I couldn't wake you up out of it…" He told me as he held me in a tight embrace, his worry further evident; I had truly shaken him up with the extent of this nightmare.
"I'm ready Edward. I'm ready to move on… the past… the bunker… it can't hold me down anymore." I tried to explain it, but I knew it would make little sense. It was a deeply personal dream, unlike anything I had ever experienced before, and even upon waking I could feel a shift in myself… in my own need to let go and move forward.
"What do you mean Bells? What was your dream about?" He had sat back a little bit and I could see the confusion on his face.
"I can't… I don't know how to explain it… but it was… freeing… cathartic…" I spoke quickly, trying to make sense of it myself.
"I just know Edward… I'm ready… it's time. I don't want to wait to move in with you… I want to do it now… or soon anyways… I'm ready to take the next steps in our relationship… in our life…" The more I spoke, the more that the excitement grew within me. I hadn't felt this feeling… this pure joy and readiness to move on since I had been found. It had always been a process… happiness had felt like work… at times only half-truth as I fought through constant memories and worked through the trauma of my past. But over the course of my dream, something had shifted and I could only describe the feeling as peace. I wasn't naive enough to think that nothing would ever bother me again, but I did know that I was ready to move into the next stage of my life without feeling weighed down and anchored to the trauma.
"Woah, slow down a little!" Edward's words were cautious, but his face held a small smile, his eyes sparked with interest as he witnessed this transformation.
The day that my Dad and Edward got the call to go and confirm that the body that had washed up on the shores of La Push was indeed the third and final conspirator involved in my kidnapping, was a day I would never forget. Once Esme had finally heard back from Carlisle that Edward had confirmed it, I felt a strange relief flood my entire body. The weeks leading up to that day had been horrendous, sending me spiralling back into a state of constant fear, petrified of being taking – or worse, having Nessie taken as an act of vengeance.
Unable to sleep, and barely functioning had led me to a state of hyper-vigilance, never resting, and forget any form of rest… including sleep. So as I deteriorated, Edward finally cut back on the evenings and nights, spending more and more time with me… ensuring that he either stayed with me at Charlie's or we stayed with him at his parents' house. It wasn't ideal, but it had brought us even closer together as I realised how close I was to being ready to fully commit to living with him.
After that day, where I had spent the night at his house, and once things settled, I had returned to spending most nights at home with Charlie, Edward staying occasionally, and us spending the odd night with him.
But now, nearly a month later… early on the morning of Nessie's tenth birthday as we sat on Edward's bed in his new home following my nightmare… I was ready. There didn't seem to be any more reason to wait.
"I don't want to slow down anymore Edward." I took a breath and reset my train of thought. I wanted to be clear and concise, and I didn't want him to think it was simply a reaction to a nightmare that was bringing this on. "I know we talked about maybe after Christmas to give me time to adjust, and to kind of spend more and more time here with you…" I began again and he nodded, he was still sitting across from me, and I reached over to grab a hold of his hand.
"But I don't want to wait until after Christmas…" I said clearly, watching his face for any sign of a reaction…. He simply sat quietly though, waiting for me to continue. "I'm ready to move forward… I love you Edward, and I want to be with you. I don't want to wait because I spent so much of my life living in fear… I'm not afraid anymore. I want to be with you, and I want Nessie and I to be a family with you… if you'll still have us?" I didn't doubt his answer, I knew that he wanted this as much as I did… I also knew that he had held back so much over the past year so as not to frighten me with quick moves, or to push me into things I wasn't ready for. But he didn't have to hold back anymore.
"Bells, I would be honoured to have both you and Nessie move in with me." His answer was so simple, but there was a raw truth to his words… his eyes conveying the depth to them as he spoke, his hand squeezing mine as I literally felt his love wash over me. It was a feeling unlike anything I had known before being found… but that I had felt growing steadily since the day that Edward had burst through the doors of the bunker.
Neither of us fell back asleep that night and as the sun began to lighten the sky as morning rose, we held each other tightly, talking about the future and what we wanted from here… both of us speaking about things that we had been hesitant to reveal before now. The biggest surprise coming from Edward when he revealed that eventually he would love to have more children… something that both terrified me and excited me. Neither of us was anywhere ready yet… sex still not something that we had even dared to try yet, but it did leave us both with a sense of calmness, knowing that we had similar goals and dreams to look forward to chasing together.
By the time that Nessie had bounded into our room, we were both already dressed and ready to begin the days' festivities, my Dad arriving soon after to enjoy breakfast with us before he would head to the station. It was the middle of the week, and while Nessie should have been going to school – Edward and I wanted to make sure that Nessie's first birthday here at home was something special. The following Saturday we would have a big party at Edward's parents' house to celebrate both mine and Nessie's birthdays, but today… today was for Nessie.
Edward of course had gone all out in buying gifts for Nessie… a ton of additional art supplies, accompanied by the outfits I had picked out. I had also written my daughter a book… since the previous Christmas when Emmett had begun to call my daughter 'Little Loch Ness', she had developed a fascination with tales of the Loch Ness Monster and had drawn several sketches and images of her version. Over the months I had slowly collected these drawings and put them together with a story I had developed – a tale of a little lonely loch ness monster, who came out of hiding and developed into a beautiful and proud being. Wrapped up in green and gold paper, Nessie tore open my gift and was shocked to see her sketches paired with my words in a story that she could hold onto forever.
Just as we began to tidy up the mess from the paper and our breakfast, I watched Edward as he took Nessie aside and sat her down in the living room. I knew what he was doing and while I watched the interaction, I also wanted to give them their space.
As he sat down across from her, he held out one last small gift… the box wrapped up in gold paper and tied with a green ribbon. She slowly took the box from him and as she undid the ribbon and slid the package open her eyes grew wide as she saw the necklace sitting inside.
"Renesmee Carlie, I want you to know just how special you are to me." He began slowly as he took the necklace out for her, holding the small silver locket in his hand and pinching the clasp to open it up – inside I knew it revealed a small photo of the three of us on one side, with 'Family' etched into the other, on the back of the locket was an etching of the Cullen family crest. "I know that we have only known each other for a year now, but you hold a place in my heart and my life, that nobody else will ever be able to fill. I know that over the past year, some things have been difficult and confusing… and most of all, I know that I fell in love with not just your mother… but with you as her daughter." He continued and I realised I could no longer see, the tears streaming down my face. Nessie was silent as Edward continued. "Nessie, I want you to know that I love you so much, and that I am honoured that you have chosen to allow me to come into your life, and to fill in such an important role. I want you to have this locket, as a reminder that I will always be here for you, whenever you need me. I consider you my child, and I love you so much." Wiping my own eyes I could see the two of them sitting beside each other, both of them with tears running down their cheeks. It was such a heartwarming moment for me, and I couldn't stop the smile as I saw Nessie lunge into Edward's arms.
"I love you Edward. I'm so glad that you found us!" She exclaimed from inside his arms and I chuckled lightly; in complete agreement with her statement I found myself beginning to nod. "I didn't know if you wanted to be like my Dad… but I feel like you are my Dad…. And I didn't know if that was okay before… but now I do… and I love you Edward." She spoke again, the words broken up with the odd sniffle.
"Always Nessie." He replied simply as she pulled back again. "I will always love you, and I am so happy that you got to choose me to be a Dad for you." He said and I smiled. I loved the way he worded that… it was true, he loved her… but she had chosen to allow him into that role… to trust him with such a precious relationship. It was something different from what Edward and I had… and I knew that if I hadn't trusted Edward from the beginning that things might have been a little bit different, but I also knew that their relationship wasn't dependant on mine and Edward's relationship either. They had a completely separate bond between them, and I knew that no matter what happened, he would always be willing to fill that role for her.
A few minutes later and Nessie was bounding up the stairs to get dressed in the new outfit I had chosen for her, the necklace secured around her neck. I didn't doubt that she would wear it with pride as often as she was able… it held such a special meaning for her.
The rest of the day was filled with things for Nessie. For the first time in her life, she was experiencing a birthday worth remembering.
A trip to the beach, complete with art supplies and a picnic lunch were the highlight, followed by an afternoon of laughter and games as we went for a short hike, and then ended up at the diner for dinner – meeting up with my Dad again. After dinner, we stopped by Edward's parents where there were cupcakes and balloons waiting – just a small preview of the party planned for Saturday.
By the time that we got home, I was ready to face the next day… a day that I had not been dreading, but that I did have minor anxiety about. I knew my own birthday would be filled with various thoughts, memories, and unknown feelings.
But seeing Nessie's joy… her innocence and excitement, it had grounded me. It had reminded me of my nightmare and the peace that I had felt in its wake.
So as I curled up that night into Edward's arms… I welcomed the day that was to come.