I was sitting outside in the garden behind the school for lunch. Of course, I had no such thing since I had no urge to eat. I've done my best to avoid everyone. My mind was so messed up. Yesterday morning... I looked at my hands, they were completely solid. It was like they never even disappeared. What happened? I had no way to explain it. I was so scared... I couldn't tell anyone what was wrong with me. I must suffer this alone.

I sighed into my palms, thankful they were still there. What am I to do? No one can help me... Wait, there was him. He knew kind of what was going on with me. However, I didn't want to see him. He was scary and laughed at me. The foreign feeling of rage was in me. How could he smile about my death?! He knew I was not of the living and yet he smiled! I quickly calmed down, not liking the feeling of being mad. I wasn't the kind of person to be enraged. I took a deep breath, seeing the white mist fade away. Am I too, going to fade away? It's scary, horrifying, and the silence of not letting anyone know was crushing. Yet, there was him. Nekozawa knew what might be going on with me.

Rising out of the snow, wiping it off my dress, I decided that I had to speak with him even though. I didn't want too. It was going to be nerve wrecking but I'm disappearing and I have to know why. I know it was going to happen sooner or later but I just know that I can't disappear yet! I have friends! I'm experiencing things I've never done before. If I am to leave now...I can't! Maybe, killing myself was...No, I couldn't survive in that house. I was all alone and everything was against me. Killing myself was my freedom I yearned for but I'm still here. I now know that I am here for something but for me to disappear now? I can't accept it!

I was wondering around the school, keeping a close eye towards the shadows. Everyone around me was laughing and going towards their last classes of the day. I was worried Mother would find out...I was skipping my last hour. I had too! What is the point if I am going to just vanish? She won't find out. I never knew how... Pink the school was. Everywhere was the sickening color. Only the shadows of the school were black. No wonder Nekozawa preferred them. Even the stairs had a pink color to them. What made them decide to choose this color?

"Turn around." I froze in place. My eyes glued to my feet. Who? Should I turn around? They must be talking to someone else. That must be it. "I said turn around." Oh...I slowly turned, seeing Tomo standing there. He looked composed and disinterested. His cool gray eyes looked down at me. "Still average."

My cheeks heated up, not wanting to be near him. "Um..."

He gazed over my body, making me feel uncomfortable. Then he smirked, "Is someone a little nervous?"

"No..." I looked away. He knew I was nervous and even though he didn't show it on his face, inside was smirking. I heard whispering around me, girls were on the side lines, gossiping to one another.

One glared at me, "How dare she talk to Tomo."

"She must be begging for his attention." Another laughed. He heard the conversations around him but he didn't seem bothered. His hair looked really smooth. The white shined naturally and his eyes were like storm clouds. The caused me to be unsettled.

Tomo leaned down to my ear, "Seems like you're not very popular." This I already knew, he did not have to remind me. "Perhaps I could change that." What did he mean by that? I would rather not be a well-known student, especially around here.

He quickly stepped back, flashing a charming smile. He made sure everyone heard him, "What? You wish to go out with me?" All the students broke out in an uproar. You could see the rumors cooking themselves as I stood there speechless. Girls eyes mixed with emotions stared at me, wondering what I was going to say.

Who was he? Not once have I seen him in my life enough for him to do this to me. Why me? Why point me out to the crowd? What was I to do? I needed Oten by my side...she would know what to do. She would tell him off. To go away and never talk to me again. However, I ignored her and everyone else today. Who knew me wanting to be alone would bite me in the butt.

The whispered became screams in my ears as Tomo looked down at me with amusement. He was waiting to see what I would say. I was confused and completely shocked. I felt like falling over. I was going to faint, surely. I ended up staring into the crowd and my mind froze. It was quiet once more as I noticed the blonde hair of Tamaki. He too was staring at me, wondering what was going on. Tamaki... My breath was caught.

I knew what to do, "I never said such a thing you punk!" I quickly ran away. I pushed past the students. I disappeared into an unfilled hallway and into the bathroom. I slammed the stall door. I shrunk to the floor, my hands covering my mouth. Did I...just call him a...

Punk!

I said such a childish insult! I was never the one to say such vulgar language but still, I called him something so...Ugh! This is why I'm always the one on the background. I do not like conflict! I was embarrassed and humiliated. Everyone saw us...Why pick on me... What did Tamaki think? He is surely laughing at me like everyone else. I heard girls walk in. I held my breath.

"Did she really do that?"

"Especially to Tomo!" Wait, I know her voice. I peeked through the crack and saw Sakura fixing her hair. No...I didn't want to ever look at her again. Her friends were giggling.

The girl next to her scoffed, "What makes her so special?" Special? I too wanted to know why he was picking on me. However, no ideas came to mind. They soon left, leaving me to some well-earned peace. A sigh escaped my lips. Now that I was away from this whole mess.I need to...Find him.

I snuck out of the bathroom, keeping my head low. I've had enough attention for the day. Already, students were going on with their day. Rich kids...They need a thousand things to keep them entertained. A fight broke out? It was over with by lunch. A girl got pregnant? Don't worry, the parents will pay for her abortion fees. Was a nobody messed with by a popular kid? Oh, it's no problem, it'll pass. It won't pass. It'll stay in her head for hours, days and weeks. It'll remind her how she was picked on and she was nothing but a joke!

I gritted my teeth, fighting the urge to cry. I hate this. Why me?! I am always the one pick on...I wanted this to end...Yet, here I am, terrified that I am disappearing. I'm scared for this...to all end. I'm having this battle inside me. One side wants to live and try to find something in this world worth holding on too. While the other side wishes for this to all end, to finally get away from this horrible place.

I held myself together as I approached the part of the school where most students don't go. He would be here, I felt it. I've found myself here sometimes. It was quiet and the few teens who came to this side was quiet and to themselves. I rubbed my hands together for comfort. Where could he be?

"I see, you've finally come." I almost jumped out of my skin as a dark voice was behind me. I quickly turned around and Nekozawa was standing tall in the shadows. His hood covering his face. His little cat puppet crossing its arms. "Every time I look at you, I still get shivers."

I swallowed the looming anger, "I...Need your help."

"Of course, come with me."

Before I knew it, I was once again in the dark room full of candles. It was unsettling. He rushed to a bookshelf, trying to keep his joy hidden. He looked carefully through each one until he pulled out a huge purple book. The cover was in a different language and had some kind of weird pentagram. It was creepy and I was starting to have second thoughts. Maybe coming here wasn't the smartest thing to do.

He sat it down in front of me on a large wooden desk. I refused to touch it as he flipped it open. Every page was that foreign language. Some had weird pictures of demons or people...where did obtain such a hellish book? He finally stopped on a page that had a man with white eyes. "Okay, I'm gonna ask you some questions. Please, answer honestly." He was suddenly serious.

I nodded.

"First, do you have any desire to eat?" I was taken back that he ask something so dead on. What did this book tell him? I had no luck on trying to figure out what it said, no matter how long I looked at it.

I shook my head, "No, not for a while."

He mumbled, reading further down the page. He was silent, his face like stone. He turned the page and it showed the man start to disappear from his legs up. It made me subconsciously glance at my hands. Nekozawa saw this and took it into account. "How did you die?"

My mouth was heavy, not wanting to speak of that night. It brought memories of me looking down from the roof. The heavy snow fall and the soaked blanket around me. It was so cold...and now, I wanted nothing more than to feel it again. "I...jumped." He knew I didn't want to go into detail and left it at that.

"Okay then." He flipped the page once more and saw the man standing in a circle surround by fire. It made me curious. Was this a ritual? Would this help me? Set me free from this world. He continued to read, his eyes widening. His little cat puppet began to shiver. "I see..." He walked to the center of the room, already drawing the pattern in the book on the floor. I stood still, not knowing what to do. After several minutes, he stood in the shadows.

"Stand in the middle." His voice echoed. I breathed quietly, scared of what was to come. My feet slowly placed themselves in the middle. It was composed of stars and moons. What made me gasp was the grim reaper in the middle. It looked exactly like the one in my dream...I shook the thought away, trying to stay still. Nekozawa then began to chant a weird noise.

Nothing seemed to happen as this went on for a minute or two. Would this really work? Will this let me finally move on? I grew more and more uneasy. Was I really ready to move on? Oten...Tamaki...Will they miss me? If I was to just disappear? It was funny how I barely knew them but still, I cared. I wondered...What would have happened if... I didn't die. If I was still alive? I heard Nekozawa gasp in shock as I realized a small flame appeared on my finger -

Then pain.

I dropped to my knees, screaming in terrible agony. I forgot what this had felt like, pain. It was something I didn't miss. It felt like my body was melting. The dark room was all around me, like the deepest part of the ocean. I wanted to cry and scream. Beg for someone to end this. Was this me dying? All over again. Was true death this painful? God, make this end! Suddenly, Nekozawa rubbed away the circle. The flames went out, leaving breathless on the floor. My body was shaking. I looked at my fingers, they were fine. Not a single burn left behind.

"This is bad." He whispered. I had to collect myself and even then I had trouble speaking. All feeling was again gone. No heat from the fire remained. Not even the cold of fear was in me. I was untouched from the event but yet inside me it was like it changed something. It was...disturbing.

I coughed, "what do you mean?" He read over the pages again. He looked just as confused as I was. His cat puppet slumped down.

"I understand that you are in a limbo like state. I tried to do a releasing ritual on you but was rejected." He couldn't help but laugh to himself, "At least now I know you really are dead." I didn't find it funny one bit. He awkwardly flipped the page. "The fire means that you are tied to something on this earth. Perhaps, regret? Honestly, it could be anything. As I noticed earlier, you have had experience with disappearing." He rubbed his forehead, trying to get rid of the sweat.

"It seems like your soul is still trying to move on. However, your body still is tied down. It says here that, 'For ones who seek heavens, who have not finished their time, stuck on earth they shall stay.' but right over here it also says, 'If thy does not find rest, may they find peace in nothingness.' " I thought I was confused before but now I was completely lost. What did this all mean? My soul wanted to move on but yet I was stuck here.

Nekozawa tried his best to read on but nothing helped him. He sat down on a chair, trying to think of it all. I spoke out, "So I'm stuck here?"

"For the time being." He frowned, "but for how long? I don't know. You could just disappear one day. If I understand it correctly. It says that if you don't find the reason why you are here, your soul could actually vanish. What happens to it is beyond my knowledge." I knew what would happen. The images of the Grim Reaper flooded my thoughts. He was waiting for me. I had to find the reason I was here or...he would get me.

I wanted to speak more to him about what I had been going through, but he looked drained. I think it had a toll on him as well trying to do that ritual. I knew better than to confide in him. Yes, I wanted the comfort of someone knowing what was wrong with me. No, I did not want to drag them down with me. It was too soon to tell him. If I would ever let him know. I got up on my feet, still quite shaken.

"I must go..." I stopped him before he could speak, "do not worry. I'll be back to ask more questions. I believe we both need rest." I walked out of the room. Thankful for the light that greeted me. It reminded me that not all things were dark. Never had I been so confused. What was going to happen to me was clear. If I didn't find the reason why I was here...

I was going to be dragged to hell.