Supplemental 2 – Renee's POV

*Trigger Warning – Discusses depression and suicide.

The sun was warm and dry… but I felt cold. I always felt cold these days, no matter how many sweaters I wore, or how hot the days were. It was as though my heart had locked away any warmth, the numbness I now felt spreading throughout my limbs and preventing anything warm from penetrating my skin.

I could almost say that I was used to it now… if you ever truly could get used to such a feeling. It had been four years now... four years of absolute hell without my daughter.

I had only arrived back home to Arizona three weeks ago now. My Mom had welcomed me home with open arms eyes filled to the brim with tears. She didn't press me to talk about my sweet Isabella, and for that I was grateful.

Being constantly reminded of my daughter, and forced to listen to never-ending updates from my husband on his search for her, was part of the reason that I had chosen to leave. Charlie couldn't let her go… he refused to let the case grow cold, allowing poor Edward Cullen into his compulsive searching as well; always ready with another lead that would inevitably lead to further disappointment and heartbreak.

I couldn't do it anymore.

Living with a husband completely obsessed with finding our missing daughter had left me exhausted, and unable to connect with him on any other level anymore.

Neither of us was unaware of the chances of ever finding her alive. It was why we had been recommended to hold a memorial service, and to stop the searching. It was what I had wanted to do… and yet, he had refused. It had broken what remained of our family apart, and I had run… the memories, the town, and even our friends too much of a reminder for me.

"Mommy!" My eyes were drawn to the scream from the little girl, just down from where I was sitting. I had left the house early and wandered the area for a bit before picking up a coffee and winding up at the little park. When my eyes landed on the little girl, I noticed immediately that she seemed to be alone – her cheeks wet with tears, and her cries panicked as she walked towards me.

"Mommy!" She cried again and I stood up quickly, moving towards her.

"Hey, it's alright. Can I help you find your Mommy?" I asked her as I got close to her. She sniffled several times, looking closely at me before nodding her head and sticking her thumb in her mouth.

"Alright, what's your name?" I asked her calmly as I continued to search the area, wondering how on earth this little one was all alone. My chest was quickly tightening, my thoughts bouncing between this little girl and my own, knowing that I didn't know where my own daughter was right now.

"Hannah" she said, saying it around her thumb, forcing it to come out muffled.

"Hannah?" I confirmed, and she nodded again, the tears still leaking from her eyes, and dripping off of her chin.

"Alright Hannah, how old are you?" I asked her and she stared wide-eyed up at me as she held out her hand, four fingers open, with her thumb curled in. "Four?" I asked and again, she nodded.

"Did you come to the park with your Mommy?" I asked and again, found myself glancing around. The parkland was slightly hilly, and I couldn't quite see the whole area, but from here there was nobody else in sight.

"She went to the car and I was supposta wait at the ducks." She took her thumb out of her mouth and sniffled again. "I got scared." She said quietly, bringing the back of her hand up to wipe under her nose. Reaching into my pocket, I grabbed a tissue and brought it to her face, helping her to blow her nose.

"The ducks are over this way, let's go back and see if she's over there now." I said and reached out to her, offering her my hand. "My name is Renee." I told her and she carefully reached out and grabbed a hold of my hand. As she let me lead her over the hill on the west side of the park and towards the small pond where the ducks liked to gather, I asked her a few more questions, so that if I did have to call the police, I had some more information to go on. The entire time though, my stomach was in knots. This was too much for me to handle right now… but I didn't have a choice.

"Hannah! Oh my God!" I heard the exclamation before I saw the person. As we crowned the hill and little Hannah heard her mother's voice, she let go of my hand and ran towards the sound, barrelling into her mother's arms at full speed.

As I saw the woman crouch down to greet her daughter, I felt my throat constrict and the tears begin to form. Standing awkwardly and watching their reunion, I knew I was about to lose it and turned around to leave… it was obvious this was the girl's mother and they were happy to have found each other.

"What were you doing with her?" As I took my first steps back towards where I had been sitting, I was surprised to find a hand grab my shoulder, yanking me back. The voice was not kind or thankful, and instead it was filled with accusations.

"I'm sorry?" My mind was jolted and I turned back to face the woman who had left her daughter behind her, still sniffling lightly.

"Why were you with my daughter? What were you doing with her?" She demanded again and I flinched back at the sheer tone, the anger.

"I was sitting just down over the hill there on a bench… your daughter was coming towards me, crying and panicked – she couldn't find you." I took a step back as I spoke, the angry woman matching it with a step towards me.

"My little girl wouldn't just wander away like that!" She exclaimed, her voice laced with indignity.

"I'm sorry ma'am. I was just trying to help. I saw her crying and she said you had gone to the car and she couldn't find you… She told me she had been by the ducks, and so I brought her back this way to help her look for you." I tried to explain again, but the woman's face held no gentleness, her eyes filled with hostility.

"Hannah knows better than to…"

"Look, I'm sorry but all I did was help your daughter look for you… perhaps you should keep a better eye on her in the future." I interrupted her, the frustration seeping through. I didn't need this right now. The last image I had of Bella at the fair springing forward in my head. Bella was much older than little Hannah… Bella did know better than to wander… and somehow, we had all missed it when she had. I had missed it… I had lost her.

"I pray that you never have to face down some woman in the park, trying to take your child; just because you turned your back for thirty-seconds." The words were like a slap to the face, and I felt my cheeks burning red. The frustrated and startled tears that had formed in my eyes had turned to angry tears and I felt my chest tighten.

"Look lady…" I paused. Taking a moment to catch my breath and step back mentally. I didn't need to fight. Right now, I just needed to get back to the house so that I could break down in private.

"You have no idea… I was only trying to help Hannah get back to you." Feeling deflated, I turned around and began to walk quickly back towards the road. For a few moments I half expected her to try and stop me, and then I wondered if I would be getting a visit from the cops… if she had reported me as a suspected child abductor.

When I walked through the doors of the house, my mother was up and puttering in on the back patio, shifting chairs and potted plants around. As I entered the kitchen, she smiled and gave me a small, half-wave. I nodded back at her. I knew I probably looked like a mess… my nose bright red from crying, my cheeks and eyes puffy and still rimmed with tears. I was sure that even my hair was looking frazzled, standing up in all directions from my nervous hands running through it as I had walked back home.

After I grabbed a chocolate cookie from the jar on the counter, I joined my mother outside, sitting down in one of the chairs she had just moved into the sun and wishing that the warmth could penetrate my heart. At first, neither of us spoke. But then, the events at the park began to flow out of me; the words not angry… devastatingly sad, and filled with four years' worth of pain.

"Renee, I know that you have held onto so much guilt over the last few years. I know that in your heart, you blame yourself for Isabella's disappearance." She began quietly, her eyes glancing up and towards the sky. It was perfectly clear outside today, warm without being unbearably hot… the sky crystal clear and bright blue. But it felt like anything but a nice day.

"I don't know why this happened to our darling little girl… and I don't know that I have any words that can ever take away your pain. But I do know, that in no way, was it your fault… or Charlie's or her friend Edward's." She didn't say anything else, her own thoughts drifting as she continued to stare up at the sky… her lips pursing tightly together. I knew that she didn't blame me… she blamed whatever twisted individual had taken Bella. I wanted to blame them too… but I couldn't shake my own inner turmoil… the guilt that had collected as I had gone over that day thousands of times in my head… wondering if I had just watched them all a little closer… or if I had said 'no' to the fair… or if I had just talked to Bella a little bit more, informed her a little better.

It was my job as a parent to teach and protect her. I had obviously failed at both… and now, now she was gone.

As the thoughts swirled through my head for the remainder of the day, I tried desperately to shut them down. With the thoughts came the pain, the numbness receding as I felt the depths of the despair that I had tried to push down for so long. When it came time for me to curl up in bed that night, I wanted to scream… the pain in my heart was hot. For once I wasn't cold… but I now wished I was. I could handle the chilling numbness… but this heat… this fiery agony that had ignited was too much.

Closing my eyes, I tried desperately to sleep. But images of Bella, and of my encounter with little Hannah flew through my head on repeat. The woman from the park's words echoing back to me. I had failed Bella. It was my fault.

Finally, shifting my eyes to the nightstand, my mind was made up. Looking at the picture of Bella, Charlie and I that I had set down, I grabbed the bottles of pills and popped open both of the lids.

I didn't hesitate… the vodka I had hidden beside the bed, washed them down, two by two… until the darkness, the shaking, the racing heart, the chills, the nausea…

In my final moments, I knew without a doubt, that I had made a mistake… I had given up, and Bella was still alive.