He realized something today... During sex, he or whoever happens to be in control, zones out pretty hard. He knows he should be thinking about the other person, about how attractive they are, how lucky he is to have them, gay shit like that. But he doesn't. Maybe he had once, but not anymore. It doesn't matter what is being done, either to him or by him, he just completely zones out. Thinking about other things, things he has to do later, things he wants to do, anything other than what he's currently doing.
He only does it because his partner wants to. It's very rare that he does.
He's even been told by his other and past partners that he shouldn't do things like that if he doesn't want to. Though..., he does it anyway. Because they want it. He wants to make them happy. And if that's what he has to do, for them, then he will.
He always regrets it, even if he had wanted to that particular time. Or usually Flaire had wanted to. He found out about it somehow, and then feels like utter shit. Regretting it and feeling disgusting.
Even though he knows he doesn't have to, he could tell his partner no, he doesn't. Finding it easier to just let shit happen cause it's usually over in a few hours and he can go back to doing what he wants to. Their happy and he will be soon too.
He can do things for himself. In most cases. He doesn't want to though. Preferring to just let the others handle it. It's easier. He doesn't see much of a point to anything anyway.
It's not like he believes someone when they say they want to help him. He's heard that shit before, and look where it got him, just heartache.
He'll probably regret today later, at some point, he always does.
He knows it's not healthy, doing what he does, but what does it matter? They're happy. That's what matters. Nothing else.
Lately, he's felt pretty numb. More than usual. Maybe it's the change in medication. Or maybe so much has been going on lately, he just disassociates but not enough that one of the others takes over.
Really, all he wants to do, is sleep. Hours, and hours. Maybe even a full day of sleeping. He can't though, he has work and all his days off, he's got plans with a partner and a friend. With a sigh, he glances at the tv, playing an animated comedy, like usual. It's moderately interesting sometimes, if it or anything can really hold his attention anymore. Not that much can or does. '
His few friends no nothing of his DID, mostly. Two or three, tops, know. But no one talks about it, just like they don't talk about his depression or theirs. Or his excessive sleeping. No one really cares about each other anymore. The world is just a shit hole. No one cares about anyone. People die every day and it could be prevented in most cases. It's infuriating yet nothing will likely ever be done about it.
Everything's gray. No real color. Nothing to look forward to. No reasons to continue. But he does anyway. He's not sure why.
Life sucks, though people try to say it gets better. Maybe it does. Maybe it just takes longer sometimes...
He doesn't believe in a lot of the things he used to. He lost faith in even the gods. They used to be a sort of big part of his life. He believed, he read the lore. He cared.
Anymore though, he doesn't. He rarely considers their existence.
As so many have said, what god would allow this?
He sighed again, closing his eyes. His life, was definitely not where he wanted it to be. He wasn't sure it ever would be. Something always fucked up whatever good there was. He knew he shouldn't be thinking like that, but he couldn't help it. There was evidence of it.