As a water-themed villain, Archie gave us no other choice. I'm going to give credit anyway.
The song is a parody of "Poor Unfortunate Souls" from The Little Mermaid. The editor still doesn't think it's perfect, but when it comes to the song parts she never does. I think it's great. I hope you think the same.
For a Pokémon graveyard supposedly infested with Ghost-types, the first floor of Mt. Pyre was actually pretty peaceful. Brendan knew, from hearing plenty of stories, that the higher up a visitor got, the more people challenged said visitor to a battle. There were no annoying challengers here, though. Just trainers grieving for their lost Pokémon.
Perhaps that was why May had sent Dusky out to investigate things. His sideways horn was always pointed at creatures that turned completely visible when his eyes met theirs, and though he didn't seem particularly happy when Brendan added a Shuppet to his collection ("Are you really willing to let that thing follow us? They like to get in trouble, it could get you and May arrested!") it was only a minor complaint and he left the new team member alone.
But when he tried to lead them away from the established path of stairs, the entire thing went south.
"He's an Absol," May tried to point out. "They have really keen danger senses. Maybe he's leading us in the safer direction."
She didn't sound hopeful, and from the way Dusky looked over his shoulder at her, it was going to be just the opposite.
Brendan understood too well. "You're just making us save the rest of Hoenn from catastrophe, aren't you?"
Dusky made a soft Absol noise of agreement before rushing off as fast as four legs could carry him, stopping only when he realized the trainers were left behind. Making completely sure that their Pokémon were all at full strength, the kids stayed in step behind him.
After the dull lighting of the graveyard cave, the sun nearly blinded them both. But that wasn't important.
"I hear voices," Brendan said softly, "and I swear they're not in my head this time."
"If they are, you're projecting, and I don't know what scares me more." May slipped past him to peek around the corner. "It's no good, nothing but fog up here."
Dusky tapped his front paw against the ground impatiently, tilting his head toward the sound. It almost looked like he was pointing.
"Don't get your fur in a knot," Brendan grumbled. "Just keep lookout for any annoying Ghost-types, and leave this to the professionals and the legendary."
May exhaled through her teeth, but she let Brendan continue thinking that using Latias wasn't a last resort.
Reaching the top of Mt. Pyre was harder than it looked. Not only was there a fog so thick they mistook tombstones for people more than once, the Pokémon that lived there were relentless.
There were wild Pokémon out there, some not even Ghost-types. It did help Jerry finally evolve into Swampert, but it didn't change that May wished she'd sent Torkoal home instead of Castform, or at least let him learn Sunny Day.
"A Sunny Day or a Rain Dance would be better than this fog," she said when Brendan asked why. "It would be way less creepy then..."
They were close enough now to see the top, and the people who were standing there. May stopped talking, whatever she was about to say already forgotten. Brendan froze. Dusky and Jerry made brief, uncomfortable eye contact.
Team Aqua was there, and they were apparently on a mission.
"Don't we know you?" one grunt asked, looking them over uncertainly.
"You might," Brendan said, a lie working its way into his head. "We're friends of your boss. We helped him stop Team Magma once, and we came to ask if they'd put a stop to them yet."
"You just missed those land-loving freaks," another grunt said, apparently not noticing May's "meh" when Brendan said he was Archie's friend. "The boss is up ahead. You can go and pass."
"Thank you." Brendan was deliberately ignoring May's open-mouthed stare. He turned back to her and nodded. "Well? You've got the Water-type and the Dark-type. You should be the one asking Archie if we can help."
That's when it seemed to click. "Right." She nodded to her Pokémon. "Fall back, boys. We've got this."
Dusky and Jerry were both reluctant to do so, but they fell back and allowed their leader to move ahead. May kept her eyes trained on Archie, who seemed to be demanding something from a cowering old couple, but the grunts let her pass, not recognizing her from past encounters.
Team Aqua must have more members than Brendan had thought. Once they'd defeated the pirate team once and for all, he'd have to ask Archie for tips.
"For the last time," Archie was saying to the old couple. "Give me the Orb!"
"I don't like your tone," the old man dared to say. "Go and ask politely for the Orb, and we might give it to you."
"Can we please have the Orb?" May asked sweetly, and Archie turned, a brief moment of rage that they could practically feel.
He recovered quickly. "What are you two doing here? You missed Team Magma."
"So I guess it's still your turn to lose." Brendan pulled a ball from his belt, hoping that Breloom was ready to battle the Sharpedo he knew Archie had. "Step away from the Orb, Archie."
"And who can stop me?" Archie abandoned the Orb conversation, though, and he stepped closer to the kids. "I don't think you know the extent of Maxie's plans. We're just trying to stop him."
"But we live on the land," Brendan reminded him. "Expanding the ocean is good for Water-types, but what are you trying to accomplish for humans?"
"For humans?" Archie seemed concerned by something Brendan and May couldn't figure out. "I don't need to explain that part to you. We simply plan to slow down the human advancement and return the world to its beginnings."
"So you think you can fix that by drowning most of the human population?" May sounded just as revolted as Brendan felt. "I thought you were just a bunch of idiots with a bad idea, not a group of mass murderers."
"Hey, humans are capable of swimming!" Archie snapped back. "We just want to make the world a better place!"
"By killing everybody in Hoenn," Brendan finished.
They noticed it was a bad idea when the music started to play. Arhchie had maybe a three second head start on them, but when the kids figured out what was happening, they each got a feeling of dread comparable to a parent yelling their full name.
"I'll admit that you may find me kind of nasty.
They aren't kidding when they say I'm kind of strange
But you'll find that nowadays
Team Magma's got new ways
To force Hoenn to experience a change."
"There's that," May admitted, leaning back from Archie's stare.
Archie went on, taking her reply as approval to continue.
"And I fortunately know a little secret
It's driving me and making me obsessed
And I know that you might laugh
But I use it on behalf
Of the miserable, lonely and depressed."
"He's nuts," Brendan summarized. The girl and the elderly couple all agreed.
Archie bared his teeth, exposing just how sharp humans could get them. So he was a Sharpedo merman instead of the more traditional Relicanth or Gyarados.
"Poor, unfortunate souls
In pain, in need
From the lovely Milotic down to the common Tentacool
I want to help them
Yes, indeed
"Those poor, unfortunate souls
So sad! So dry!
They look at me like they're saying
'Help us, Archie, will you please?'
So I help them
Or I try."
They really should have expected something like this. He was, after all, more of a merman than a pirate, and in all of the animated movies they'd seen, merpeople loved music. It was a fact of life.
And Maxie had done it. Archie probably didn't want to be outdone.
"Yes, it's happened once or twice
I just couldn't pay the price
When I wanted to take something for my own
Yes, I may be a thief
But you kids must believe
It's for those poor, unfortunate souls!"
This was just like with Maxie back at the volcano. The only difference is that if this idiotic plan worked, it would be more than two or three towns in danger of death and destruction - it would be the entire region. So, when Archie asked "Do you understand?" the kids almost immediately decided on an answer.
"We understand that you need severe psychological help," May told him, keeping a straight face only because she focused on the possible destruction.
"Or a new brain," Brendan continued. "That decision's yours to make, just hand over the Orb and nobody gets hurt."
Archie didn't seem to be in the mood for commentary, or just 'handing anything over.' "Don't think I've forgotten Latias," he said instead, and noticed May's look of horror. "We haven't discussed what it was that Matt was after."
"We know what he was after," Brendan said, knowing that his friend hadn't found her voice. "It doesn't take a genius. You wanted a legendary Pokémon and her Mega Stone."
"The Mega Stone was a loss," Archie confessed, "but we won't miss it. It was only for practice with the orb."
Brendan looked back at the old couple, noticing the Orb for the first time. "You wanted the orb? What does it do?"
That just set Archie back into Song Mode. Brendan looked everywhere but at May, feeling her eyes burning a hole through his courage.
"I can tell that you all think I'm crazy
That this entire mission is a bore
But you'll see it's much preferred
If you don't say another word
And all our issues in the past will be ignored
"You lucked out and beat all of my grunts the last time
I know that you thought that you could forget
But I fear you've been misled
Archie's down but never dead
And we all said a lot of things that you'll regret!
"Come on you poor unfortunate souls!
Go ahead! The choice is yours!
I'm a very busy man you see, I haven't got all day
You can't use it - it's just an Orb!"
Brendan finally made eye contact with May. "At least he's almost done."
May's glare intensified.
"You poor, unfortunate souls
It's sad but true
If you want to stop Team Magma then you've got to pay the price
I'll even give you all the credit, kids, now wouldn't that be nice?"
May rolled her eyes. "Well, someone didn't think this through."
But Archie was nearing the end, and didn't care.
"It's out of your control!
You poor unfortunate souls!"
Brendan and May braced themselves for battle, but Archie simply passed between them with no problem. One look behind them toward the elderly couple and all was clear.
The Orb was gone.
"The Red Orb and Blue Orb aren't supposed to be separated," the old woman said as they all recovered from the incident. "And to think that the pirate man used the good name of music to provide a distraction as his grunts took it from us..."
"I just can't believe it worked," Brendan said, more upset with himself than even Team Aqua. "I used that same trick to get the Meteorite without Courtney noticing. I should have seen it coming and stolen the Orb from you myself instead of just standing there like an idiot."
"You thought they were just idiots with an agenda," May reassured him. "How were we to know that they'd steal your ideas?"
The old woman looked back at the stand where they assumed the Orbs had been kept. "You two seemed to know him," she said quietly. "And you weren't surprised when he mentioned a Team Magma. Do you know what they plan to do with those Orbs?"
The kids didn't say anything. The old couple let their minds fill in the blanks.
"Team Magma left something behind," the woman said, deciding to end the awkward silence once and for all. "We don't know what to do with it, but maybe the two of you could figure something out."
She passed Brendan an item with the emblem of Team Magma. Brendan stared at it for a while, then made a note to make a good Team Breakneck symbol.
"We could use this," May agreed. "But what's with the Orbs, anyway? Aren't they just ancient artifacts? Shouldn't we put them in a museum somewhere instead of leaving them guarded only by two people?"
The woman looked at her husband. The old man stood back.
"It was a long time ago," he began, and the kids focused on his voice. "The two Pokémon that formed the Hoenn region - the red dragon of land and the blue whale of the sea - were at war. The world was engulfed in massive infernos and vicious storms. The Orbs were designed, some say by Arceus itself, to stop the madness."
"I thought Arceus was said to have shaped Sinnoh," May interrupted. "Not even created the world, in the original mythology anyway, just formed Sinnoh into the shape that's on a map. And even then, Arceus sightings are so rare they're not even sure it's a god instead of a regular legendary Pokémon."
"It doesn't matter where the Orbs came from," the man decided. "What matters is that it worked. Light poured from the Orbs and calmed the ancient Pokémon, and the monsters have not been seen since."
"So what if they actually planned to use those Orbs to stop the other's plan?"
There was no real reason why May said it. She and Brendan both knew exactly what the teams planned to do with it.
The man seemed to think the same thing. "If that is the case, young lady," he told her, "then it seems you didn't notice what was clearly a villain song."
So our heroes left Mt. Pyre deep in thought, making plans to keep the fight going. Things had gotten serious, and it was looking more and more like they were the only ones to stop it.
Pokémon teams:
Brendan: Adam, Breloom, Lairon, Spoink, Shuppet (female)
May: Jerry (evolved into Swampert) Masquerain, Pikachu, Torkoal, Latias, Dusky