So many things reminded him of Sai. It was infuriating when it would occur. It could be something simple, ice cream, for fucks sake. He couldn't go down that aisle at work, without remember him. They would go there, to get their ice cream, fancy flavors, unlike their usual, plain chocolate yogurt. Sai would get Decadent Moose Tracks, and he and Gaara would share it straight from the container as they binge watched a show Gaara turned the black-haired male onto.
Even that show, he couldn't bring himself to watch it. It reminded him of Sai. Even though he'd been into the show before meeting him. Before they rewatched it together from season one.
It was a favorite show too, one he had originally fallen out of watching because school and work had gotten in the way. To this day, he can't bring himself to click on it in the Netflix menu. It's been almost two years, hasn't it?
When Sai left, he left Gaara his poster from the show too, denying Gaara from buying him a replacement.
The poster is another annoying reminder. Along with another poster left upstairs, from a show the damn man hadn't even known anything about! Yet he had an original poster.
Just today, at work, a fellow associate had shown him a spiderman belt and he faintly remembered how much Sai had liked that character. He had bought him a few spiderman themed things throughout their relationship.
Things wouldn't let him stop remembering that damned bastard. He doesn't want to think about Sai anymore. It doesn't help that he still gets his damned mail. Occasionally seeing him while he's at work is always unpleasant as well.
The most annoying things reminded him too. His partner, Kiba, had a tongue ring, just like Sai had... Not exactly mind, the ball was different. But Sai had gotten his tongue pierced because he thought it was "cute". That, irritated the hell out of him. He had already disliked tongue rings, but that, that just served to piss him off. He hadn't mentioned his feelings about tongue rings to Kiba though, because it didn't matter. His body, his choice. It was just an irritating reminder. One he would deal with.
Another thing had occurred to him today as well. He had derealization disassociation more often than he had previously realized...
Typically, not always, but most noticeably it occurred when he was fucking someone. Or getting fucked. Whichever it happened to be. He would just start laughing to himself, sometimes asking aloud how he got himself into these situations. It just didn't seem real. He never actively wanted sex, Flaire did, sure, but not him. Somehow, she'd always get her way and he'd wind up having fucked someone.
Not like it mattered, he was good at what he did, always had been. It was just flesh, after all. Not that important.
His body was just a prison anyway. So why care what it does?
He learned another interesting thing today. He purchased a new knife, one much like an old one he had when he worked his second job. It was a small blade, no wider than his pinky. Very sharp too. He didn't even have to press that hard. Blood sprang up easy. It was truly wonderful. The only problem being used to dull blades..., he may have cut a little too deeply... It wouldn't stop bleeding... But he cleaned and re-sterilized everything. It seemed he found the knife he would do the deed with. Providing he never lost it or it never got rusted or some such terrible occurrence. The blood was a beautiful dark red, much like his natural hair color. He smiled as his arm bled. Finally, a blade that could cut. Without much effort either. Clean slice too. His skin parted easily.
As he sat on the couch with Kiba, he vaguely wondered when he would start to despise his existence. It was what always happened. For some reason, everything about his current partner would eventually just start to grate on his nerves. Didn't matter what it was, how much he liked them. He always grew to hate them. Usually, at first anyway, he didn't want to hate them. But..., as with all things, it seemed inevitable.
Anger and hatred just went hand-in-hand. Things he learned quite early in his life. His father had always been angry, and hating the one that raised him for the most part was second-nature by the time he was ten. His anger got worse as he got older, but he did manage to be able to control it better, even with Ruby, he had to hold her back many times. She wanted homocidal rampages, and while logically he knew it was entertaining and plausible, he wouldn't.
Yeah..., life sucked. Always and Forever, right?
He chuckled quietly to himself, an old phrase he used to really enjoy. Anymore though, he wonders if Forever even exists.