When he woke for work that night, he glanced down at his arm and smiled. It hadn't really even hurt. He felt better, knowing he had the knife. But he felt numb in all other aspects.
He could truly see how it could become addicting.
It was nice, feeling nothing... Not really having to hide it.
The reason he had done it, was great. He just wanted to see if that knife would cut him. And it did. No other reason, he just wanted to cut for the fuck of it.
Tai would get all anxious over his doing it, so he would feel bad about cutting. Tai or as he's legally known, Tayuya, is Gaara's other partner. No one calls him Tayuya, unless they want their face rearranged. He's non-binary, like Gaara. He understands why Gaara self-harms, but he still worries about him. Gaara wishes he and Kiba wouldn't.
Kiba was easier to talk to about it. He understood and semi-frequently did the same. Though he got tattoos, instead of cutting. Kiba didn't shame him for it, he just worried and wanted to know.
Naturally, Gaara is used to hiding it because people are always sensitive and shit. But Kiba and Tai..., they want to know. Be there for him and all that gay shit. He doesn't care. It's not like he needs to, it's just nice to do, every once in a while. Physical pain is fun.
Now Sai, really had a problem with it. Any type of self-harm, Sai got pissy over it. He didn't understand why. He didn't want to either. No matter what Gaara said, wrote, or tried to get him to read, he would just scoff and roll his eyes.
Lately, it was like he was doing anything and everything he could to go back to how he was when he was fourteen. He was drinking caffeine again, cutting, staying up far too late. The proper word for all that was relapsing. That's basically what it was... And, he didn't care. It was awesome to drink Mountain Dew again. Cutting, was awesome. Now if he could just find a brick wall to punch, bruise and bloody his knuckles, it would be fucking perfection. Lately, he's wanted to do all of those things. He's even contemplated buying twelve packs of Dew. So far, he hasn't. But it's very tempting. Just like cutting. He doesn't think he has an addictive personality, he just doesn't care about much. Pain, is fun, death is what he wants so why not seek it? Why not destroy the outside as well as the in? Make them match. Not like anyone cares anyway. They'll believe lies spun. They always do.
Though..., Kiba, Tai, and Hinata care... For some reason. As much as he wants to curse them for it, it's not like he doesn't care for them in turn. He doesn't usually get attached to people though. Because everything is temporary. Nothing ever lasts. So it's best not to get attached anyway. Play the game, but don't get trapped, right? Yeah, he used to believe that. But somehow..., he cares about them, he just wishes they wouldn't care about him.
Tai, is terrified of relapsing into his old habits. Gaara understands, he doesn't actively seek death, not like Gaara. He wants to help him with it, but he's unsure how to do so. Relapse is normal though, a few times, more even. It happens. Just have to pick yourself back up and do it again. Recovering. It's a long ass process. One Gaara doesn't have the patience for. He's ready to just watch the world burn because fuck it all right.
He couldn't see what was so bad about relapsing. Sure, it might hurt, but pain is fun. Means you're alive, even if you don't want to be. Pain is an anchor. Keeping you tethered to this gods forsaken world. Death is a slow process sometimes too. From the minute you begin to live, you also begin to die. Kind of tragic, isn't it? Doomed, from birth to death. You can't fight death. It comes for everyone. And when it comes for him, Gaara is going to welcome it with open arms and a smile. Cause death has to come for everybody, right?
Pain is good. Bleeding is awesome. Feeling nothing, just makes it all better. Being numb is nice, better than all the damn chatter in his head, bugging him to let them do what they want, hardly giving him peace. He's been dealing with almost everything lately. It's rather exhausting really. But it's what needs to be done, and so he does it.
In honesty, he recognizes how far he's fallen. From what he used to be, what he used to believe. He doubts, almost everything. Sometimes, even his own existence. Because it doesn't "get better". What god would allow this? Pointless, senseless deaths. Humanity is naught but a stain upon the Earth. He doesn't even know if he believes in the gods anymore. Or fate. Or even destiny. What proof is there of any of these things? All there is, is death. That's all that awaits.