He stared vacantly at the plain wall of his bedroom. Anymore, he felt next to nothing. That wasn't really much of a change though. Perhaps it was the medication, he doubted that though. He might be suffering from his depression more because he keeps forgetting to take it, but the numbness wasn't due to it. No..., this numbness was a result of the events of the last few weeks. He could look back on it, and feel next to nothing, sometimes, it worried him, other times, he just smiled. But it was a cold smile, devoid of everything. Just like old times...
Three weeks ago..., he broke up with Tai.
He was in a vindictive mood, and Ruby of course, was more than happy to aid in his emotionless state.
It started with Tai prattling as he usually did. He wasn't sure what had really sparked it, but he was tired of listening to him. He was tired of holding his tongue. So..., he let Tai have it. He stopped holding back everything. He told him what he truly thought. Tai..., didn't take it well. It wasn't pretty, but Gaara recognized that it was necessary. They were things Tai needed to hear. Things he needed to say. And so he did.
All of it, was a long time coming, but Gaara had forced the misgivings away. He wanted to help Tai. Like he'd wanted to help Sai. And before Sai, Zaku. He and Zaku had been pretty toxic towards each other, in terms of relationships. But all Gaara had wanted to do, was help him, and he had, just hadn't gone about it in the best way. In the years since they ended, they have become pretty good friends, acknowledging that they're far better that way anyway. They were children, and both have grown and acknowledged past mistakes. Gaara, at least, vowed to be better, only interfering if it's wanted, and backing off when it's not. A hard lesson, but one her tries to abide.
So he tried to help Tai. Giving him everything he could. Of course..., if someone isn't ready to accept help, they can't be helped.
In the argument that sparked the break-up, Gaara said hurtful things, things he knew would hurt, but they were things that needed to be said. Tai tried to hurt him back, but Gaara had heard worse and even believed worse about himself. He pitied Tai, he wanted better for him, obviously. But it wasn't his life, Tai had to live as he saw fit, just as Gaara had to.
They were alone in the world. Meaningless. It was just a matter of acceptance.
About two and a half weeks ago, Kiba confessed something very personal with him. They sat in Kiba's car, at a park. Gaara waited patiently, he suspected what Kiba was going to share with him, he had suspected for weeks, but he kept his thoughts to himself. At last though, Kiba spoke, barely concealed emotion coating his words.
"I think I'm falling in love with you."
Gaara knew, so wasn't too shocked, but he kept his mouth shut, listening.
"I don't understand why you, why now. I've gone my whole life without this. I've never cared about someone the way I care about you."
The red head already knew that too, but he let Kiba speak, keeping his own counsel.
When it came to light that Gaara knew already, Kiba demanded to know why he hadn't said anything, why he continued to let the other spend so much time with him.
Gaara simply shrugged, unable to adequately answer the question.
Kiba was afraid of the strength of his feelings, having never felt such before. Gaara however, was nonchalant about all of it.
The others that resided in his head however, were bugging him to say how he felt about the other man. Was only fair, after all. While he agreed with that logic, how could he say how he felt when he wasn't sure how he did? He cared for the brunette, obviously, but he wasn't sure how far his feelings went. They were tricky, after all. He knew how the others felt about him, but he could rarely discern how he felt about anyone.
All he could tell Kiba, was that he should stay, as he had been asked what he thought should be done.
Two weeks ago, he lost his job. He's trying to get it back, but he has a back-up plan, just in case. Everything..., is spiraling back to three years ago. His depression, his sleeping, his desires. Since losing his job, all he's really done is sleep. He knows he shouldn't. He wants to get up, to do things. But he can't find it within himself to do anything other than lay there. Sure, for a few hours, with Kiba, he can be fine. But once he's alone, he passes out and is dead to the waking world. At his therapists insistence, and his knowledge of how relationships should work..., he opened up to Kiba. Told him about his life, mostly a summary, but it was all he could remember at the time. Kiba was happy and listened, never wanting to push.
While Gaara was grateful for that, he also wished he would push a little, it would be easier, he just didn't talk about himself. It was easier and better to focus on everyone else, rather than himself.
A week ago..., he told Kiba about wanting to kill himself, to attempt again. He told him how he planned to, when, and why.
Kiba stared at him, a shocked silence. Kiba told him quietly, that if that was truly Gaara's aim, he would have to walk away. He had to protect himself from that pain.
Gaara just smiled that smile, he understood. He didn't fault Kiba. If it was meant to be, it was meant to be.
In the days prior to his confession, family of Gaara's had come to talk to him about his not ending it. As usual, they made it about them, not him. They saw suicide as selfish. One understood, and he understood why they said what they did. But still, it didn't sway him. He wanted, he longed, to try again. He wanted to bleed. He wanted to tempt fate. He wanted to die.
Not to say that he still doesn't desire death...
Hours after their conversation of suicide, Kiba apologized, but Gaara waved it away, as there was no need to apologize. He understood Kiba's reasoning. And it was fine. Understandable, logical. It didn't seem to matter though, Kiba still clearly felt guilty for what he'd said.
Another week passed, and all Gaara has done, is sleep. Bo has been out the most, since his confession. She's emotional. He finds it distasteful, but if she wants to pretend to be him in front of others and then cuddle with Kiba, that's her problem, not his.
She feels everything intensely, and she's scared of and for Gaara. She sees how manipulative he can be, even if it's sometimes unintentional. And she's petrified of being alone, without Kiba. She understands Gaara, mostly, but she's still afraid of what he might do. He wants to tell Kiba so many things, but Gaara doesn't let her, insisting it better that he not know. That he knows enough.
When the red head is out of his own head, he sleeps or plays video games, if it can hold his attention anyway. Nothing has been able to really, though. Nothing interesting, nothing worth doing. A spiral, one he doesn't know if he'll come out of...