A/N: This chapter was really fun to write, too...I love writing scenes where somebody pisses PUck off enough for him to lay things out unapologetically and harshly. Rachel is just conceited and stubborn enough to assume that Puck's advice isn't worth taking. And the 'Zilla ain't feeling that. So have fun reading all about it!

Disclaimer: I don't own Glee.

Helping Out, Zilla Style

Knowing about my feelings for Mercedes, I suppose you're probably wondering what my reaction was when Samcedes first got started. See, most of our friends think sparks never flew between those two before Junior Prom…Berry loves to tell everybody who'll listen to her ass that she was responsible for Sam and 'Cedes getting together. But that's not the way it went down. Those two were on a collision course for each other long before then. So by the time they had their "magic moment" dancing together at prom, that shit was already in the cards. And in a way, I made that part happen.

See, when Santana dumped Sam in Glee rehearsal that day, I actually had a bigger reaction to the shit storm than just throwing up in my own mouth. I honestly took the time to pay attention to how Sam was affected by it; I knew how he felt since Satan had done me wrong in public once before too. Being humiliated like that sucks balls, and I wanted to make sure Sam knew he could talk to me about it if he wanted to. So after rehearsal I waited for him outside the choir room door.

Sam and Mercedes had sat beside each other that day, and they were the last ones out. I stood behind the door for about four minutes before I peeked in to see what the fuck they were taking so long for. Apparently, 'Cedes had taken advantage of the empty classroom so she could give Evans a big-ass hug. I've been on the receiving end of one of those hugs before, so I don't blame Trouty for holding on tight as hell. I watched them for another minute, then left them there to it. I was just glad somebody had Sam's back.

After that I started noticing those two together more often. It was pretty obvious to me that Jones had helped Evans learn the choreography to "Born This Way," since every time he made a misstep he looked over at her with this apologetic-ass face. I also kinda think they were doing their homework together during lunch. Because Evans pulled a B+ in English that term; and I'm not trying to be funny, but even I do better than he does in Lit class. Plus I was constantly catching Evans at Mama's locker, telling her jokes and shit between lunch and Glee. Truthfully, I got a little jealous of Evans every time Jones laughed out loud at whatever he was saying, cause usually she only giggles like that for me. Round that time those two started sitting together in Glee a lot, too.

I pretty much figured that Jones was trying to keep Evans company so he didn't let Satan get to him…her prom campaign was completely insane and in-your-face, so Sam couldn't have ignored it for shit. 'Cedes most likely wanted to keep Sam's mind off of Tana's mess. But Sam? He was falling hard for Lil Mama; that much was obvious, at least it was to me. Every time she slapped Sam's chest with the back of her hand while cackling out loud at his impressions, I caught him putting his own hand over the spot she'd just touched and shooting her these adoring ass looks. And whenever Mama laid one of those 'Cedes hugs on him, Sam held on like he was scared to let go. I caught his hands inching down toward that rump on more than one occasion too.

When the whole drama popped off about Sam getting caught at that motel with Kurt and Quinn, I got mad as hell. I could see that he was liking Jones, so I didn't understand why the fuck he was fooling around with those two for. If he swung both ways, or whatever, nobody in Glee was gonna judge him for it…so he really didn't have any reason other than ass-holery for breaking up two relationships just so he could get his dick wet. In my opinion, if he was having trouble choosing he could have just manned up and dated all three of 'em in the open without all the damn cheating and secrecy. That's why I went off in Glee that day. When we discovered how fucking wrong we all were, I made up my mind to make it up to Evans.

Right after we all found out about Sam's family living in the motel, I ran into Rachel bitching in front of her locker. She was spazzing out about having to go to the Prom alone. Since she's a fellow Jew, I decided to see if I could help.

"What's up Berry? Why you slamming lockers and shit?"

"Oh; hi, Noah…I'm just frustrated about Prom."

"What the hell for?"

"Well…" Then she stops pouting and exhales all loud and shit. "…I can't find a suitable date…"

I'm not sure who in the hell Berry thought she was fooling, I knew damn well that "suitable date" meant some poor motherfucker who she knew would make Finn jealous.

"…and there's no way Sam will reconsider my offer after what just happened in the choir room."

I knew her ass was selfish, but I didn't think she'd gone deaf or anything recently. So I tried to remind her that the whole damn world didn't revolve around her need to get over.

"You were listening just then when he told us about his family, right? Dude can't exactly spend money on tux rentals and corsages and shit right now."

"I realize that, Noah…but when I asked Sam to go with me earlier this week that wasn't his reason; he told me I wasn't his type. If that's the case, then he wouldn't go even if I paid for everything!"

I didn't say so, but I think she was probably right. Evans was all the time tripping me out with his Rachel impressions…He thinks she's bat-shit crazy.

"Then you need to sweeten the pot, Berry. Make it so he can't refuse. Hell, there's a girl in Glee that Evans is into; I bet if you two asked him together then he'd go."

"Who's that?" Berry asked, all insulted-like. Like dude didn't have any right to actually like another girl, when she needed to use his ass.

"Mercedes."

She got all affronted-looking, then told me, "Look, Puckerman, if what Sam said about me not being his type is true; then there's no way on earth that Mercedes is! Sam likes popular girls and Cheerios…While I can admit that I may not be well-liked at McKinley, even you can plainly see that I have more in common physically with Quinn and Santana than Mercedes does."

Since she was border-line insulting 'Cedes I let the polite (well, polite for me) portion of the talk come to a close so I could school this chick-Puck style.

"Okay, Jew-nose, lemme drop a little bit of knowledge in that selfish ass brain of yours…"

"Noah, there's no need to be insulti…"

"First of all…" I interrupted her. "…when Evans told you that you weren't his type he probably didn't mean anything about your looks or your popularity. That dude's had enough scary-ass mean girls on his jock, leading him around by the balls to last the rest of his motherfucking life. You're the biggest damn drama queen up in this place, and the Cheerios are the only girls at McKinley that have longer histories of manipulating motherfuckers than you do. And that's only because Quinn and Satan are on the damn squad. I can guaran-damn-tee you that my boy ain't checking for any of their asses any more than he wants yours…"

I smiled right then, cause I wanted to hurt her damn feelings for fucking with 'Cedes.

"…Plus, Evans is smart enough to not wanna get caught up in whatever 'gotta make Finn jealous' plan you've got cooking up in your demented ass brain, anyway."

She gave me this "how did he figure that out?" look and I raised my eyebrows to let her know she wasn't fooling anybody before I went on.

"Second, if you cared enough about your friends to actually pay attention to anybody other than yourself, then you'd realize that Jones and Evans have been kicking it hardcore for a minute now. See, you? You're not his friend, not for real…you're an acquaintance. But Sam and Mama are genuinely cool with each other. So he'd go out with her on a friendly date way before going anywhere with you all alone. Basically, you need Jones on your side if you want this shit to happen."

It looked like she was finally listening to me, so I went ahead and laid the big guns out.

"Third, all the shit you're trying to imply about Jones' looks and Sam not being attracted to her? It's complete and total bullshit. He's been checking her out all year without even realizing he was doing the shit. I know; because every time I eyeball Mama's ass in Glee, I look over and catch Evans doing the same damn thing. And her chest? Watch Evans next time 'Cedes wears that white v-neck under her Technicolor zebra jacket. See if his eyes don't get stuck off in her cleavage. So trust me, he'd totally be down for letting her wiggle up against him all night long. Plus, what teenage boy is gonna say no to a 3 way date?" I finish.

"But the limo, corsages, pictures…How's Sam going to afford two dates? And it wont be any fun if we can't go out to eat!"

"Okay, that's your damn selfishness talking again. Quit trying to have a damn Disney Princess moment and just have fun! Me and Zizes ain't doing all that shit. She may have broke the bank getting a dress or whatever, but that's just because big-girl dresses are expensive, and my girl is running for Prom Queen. I got a dinner jacket and pants from the Goodwill and the shit is James Bond sexy. We went together to pick out flowers from the grocery store, and we're driving her mom's car to the Prom. All that other shit is unnecessary."

Talking to this chick is like fucking a brick wall…the shit is completely painful and unfulfilling as hell. I'm just gonna cut the damn chase so I can get the hell outta her goddamn vicinity.

"My point is this, you need to get together with Jones and figure out a budget for a simple fun evening. Then you better make sure you stick to that bitch. You two can loan him whatever you have to so he can do his part, but don't let it be any more than $10 or $15 apiece."

"I suppose if Sam's father is searching for a job then he must have a suit he can loan Sam. And we could probably all walk to Prom from Breadstixx," Rachel said, thoughtfully.

Took her ass long enough to catch the fucking train…

"There you go, Berry… don't say I never did anything for you!"

And I walked the hell away.

When Shuester started going on and on about us performing at the damn dance, and Berry ran her ass out after 'Cedes to console her or whatever, I knew what was going down. But then Sam asked Shue if his attendance was mandatory. I felt like he was gonna play the "poor-kid" card and beg off, so I told him if he needed a suit I'd loan him one…on the condition that he sing with Artie and me. By that time, I was so determined to do my boy a solid I would have rented a tux for his ass. And he agreed. Everybody acts like I don't know how to do shit in Glee but play the guitar and harmonize, but I helped Artie with the vocal arrangement for "Friday," and we both agreed that Sam's voice would kick ass on the last notes if he sang in his higher register. And it was completely sick in rehearsals…I remember thinking that Evans and Lil Mama might not ever be a couple, but they sure had that glory note shit in common.

I found out later on that Berry and 'Cedes asked him to the dance and he jumped on the chance with the quickness. All us Glee boys were over at the Hummel-Hudson's playing video games when Artie's jealous ass begged Evans to give him one of his dates.

"Hey Trouty, come over here; I got something I wanna ask you on the low…" Artie started. We were all eating snacks and waiting for Finn to load a new game.

"What is it, man?" Sam asked, bending down.

"This is, motherfucker…" Artie slapped Bieber-Boy upside his damn head as hard as he could. The rest of us fell on the damn floor laughing at his ass.

"What the hell, dude?" Evans looked pissed. "Do you have a reason for smacking me or is it Asshole-In-A-Wheelchair Day at McKinley?"

"Whatevs Blondie…" Artie looked completely un-sorry for the shit. "You deserve that shit. Your ass has been watching me make a fool outta myself all damn week trying to get Britt to go with me to Prom. You were even there when I serenaded her and she shut me down. Now you come up in here bragging that you got TWO dates?"

Mike decided to be funny and pick on Artie. "Well, A-Team, maybe if you had picked a song that wasn't about a baby being born…"

Sam rubbed the back of his head and nodded while me and Finn were still rolling. Wheels just flipped Mike the bird and kept fucking with Evans.

"I'm saying, man…what's the what?" He looked pretty dejected and shit. "Share the wealth!"

"You wanna take one of my dates to the Prom?" Blondie asked. I could tell he didn't wanna tell the world about the 3-way budget they were sticking to. "But we're just going as friends…If one of 'em is missing the whole thing'll get awkward."

"Not if we're all going as friends…" Artie argued. "…look, I'm not gonna try and get it in with one of your honeys. I just want somebody to dance with me and come and take pictures on my lap."

I could tell Sam had probably decided to just tell Artie about the budget and shit when the rest of us weren't around. He just told him, "If the girls are okay with it, I'm okay with it. But…"

"You take Rachel," they both said together.

That shit was completely hilarious. Well, it was to me and Mike; didn't seem funny to Finn, though.

"What's wrong with Rachel" he asked, and the same time Artie and Sam faced off again saying shit like "Hell, no…" and "No way…" and "What-the-hell ever…" and my personal favorite..."Do I look like a crack-head?"

I decided to defuse. "Finn…" I started. "…It's probably nothing personal.. Ain't nothing wrong with your ex; she's just not everybody's taste. And both of these dudes probably just wanna be up on 'Cedes when she starts shaking and shit at the Prom."

I looked at both of 'em to see their reactions. Sam had turned pink and his ears looked fucking hot. Artie was averting his eyes while trying to hide a sinister-ass smile.

"Well, I can admit that I'd love to be boob-level and Mercedes-adjacent when she starts doing that little wiggle/giggle thing she's so good at. Bonus points if the dress is low cut," Artie admitted. The little freak.

Sam avoided making any comments on dancing with 'Cedes, but he added, "Well I have enough drama going on in my life without Rachel trying to use me to make Finn jealous. She asked me already, and I turned her down. Plus, I like Mercy better…"

Playing the homeless card…nice.

"…I'm gonna decline your offer, Artie. You're welcome to dance with whichever of my dates I don't happen to be cutting a rug with, but I need 'Cedes around if I'm gonna escort Rachel."

Beautiful Beginning

So they went together, Rachel decided to bring Jesse St. College Dropout, too; and Sam got to spend the whole night having a fake date with 'Cedes. See, I know all about stealth dating…some dudes will hang out with a girl on the regular and pretend to be their friend, while all the time laying the damn groundwork for a relationship. One day they're just chilling, the next thing you know some sexy shit pops off. Their friends all look up one day and realize they're making out in public, thinking, "what the fuck?" Sam was in full woo-mode that night and Jones was completely fucking clueless about it. Well, she was clueless until Evans finally grew a pair and asked her to dance. I caught the two of 'em dancing as Rachel stood in front of her damn microphone caterwauling at Finn for dating Quinn while he was still into her. Jones and Evans were swaying side to side, with of her hands around his neck and the other one placed on his chest. He had his hand over that one and the other wrapped around her waist like his favorite teddy bear or something. Their foreheads were touching and I saw a bunch of whispered words being said back and forth. Then right before the song ended they shared a really quick kiss. At the time I was dancing with Zizes, so I didn't feel as much jealousy as you'd think; but I didn't exactly wanna see it either.

After Prom, I saw a bunch of little signs here and there that Sam and Mercedes were together but keeping the shit a secret from everybody. I saw Sam sneak up into the balcony when Mercedes and the Fairy and Berry and Tana all auditioned for a solo at Nationals. And I heard she sang a song about tenderness or something, so it's a pretty good bet she was directing that shit into the rafters for her man to hear. And when we were rehearsing and making decorations for Sylvester's sister's funeral? Sam and Mercedes showed up together every evening and left at the same time too. She must have been his ride. Same thing at the service. But instead of sitting together like a couple, though, they sat a few seats apart. Afterward, I heard Finn broke up with Quinn for Rachel- again. Tina told Zizes the first thing Que did was try to hook back up with Evans, but he shut her ass down quick. Everybody just assumed he was focusing on being poor or whatever. But I knew he was on the DL with 'Cedes.

I guess I understood it…having motherfuckers all up in your shit all the time blows chunks. And I know when Jones used to fake date me every chick in Glee got up in her grill trying to give her "advice." Add that to Evans' family situation and relationship history…I could see why they wanted to keep shit hush-hush. But it was real hard seeing them get so close and knowing I was the only who saw it happening. I was at least hoping Lauren would get it, so she and I could maybe talk about what this meant for us, but she never did.

Sam and Mercedes must have decided they could be a little bit more bold in New York. They sat next to each other every time we went out to eat, and were on the bed together when Britt sang her cup song. Then when we snuck out of the room to go find inspiration for songwriting, they were walking, sitting, and running beside each other the whole time. I was the only one who noticed, since all of our friends are a bunch of narcissistic little pricks. But I saw 'em. Then we dudes all serenaded Berry for Finn, and went back to the hotel room to console him; Evans ran his ass in the opposite direction, talking about he was gonna go return Kurt's iPod. But then he didn't come back for like, forty minutes. And don't get me started on the hug after we performed. I didn't have much time to notice any more lovey-dovey stuff, because I was busy trying to get some private time in with Lauren and see the sights myself, but those two turned NYC into their own private romance bubble, for sure.

When we got back to Lima, I made up my mind to put Samcedes outta my head and concentrate on my relationship with Zizes. So I just ignored them. We brought our little trophy back to the choir room, and sang at the graduation ceremony, then had our celebratory Glee party on the last day of classes. Then summer started and we all went our separate ways.

A/N: The next chapter is gonna be about the summer between S2 and S3...then we'll get another jump back to the present. I hope you guys are feeling a little bit of Puck/ND interaction...cause there's gonna be plenty of it.

Hope you enjoy!