A/N: Okay, remember when I had Puck give Sam a little bit of hard truth in Perfect Attendance? And back in Chapter 9 when I had him go off on Rachel? Well, he ain't done yet. People always underestimate the 'Zilla and he's not about letting people pacify or patronize him. Sam, you betta listen...
Thank you Illiandyandra! You're the original Miss-Fast-Turnaround...I totally appreciate your input and encouragement.
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters or the show they appear on.
Hard Truths
I'm gonna just start describing my summer by saying that it was another fucking piss-fest. I don't know if it's because of all the fucked up things I do, like Karma coming for me; or if I'm just unlucky as hell…but every summer-since that one where the MILF taught me how to fuck- has been all kinds of assed up. The first thing to go wrong was when Zizes dumped me. I know, I was given fair warning, so I shoulda been on the lookout for it to happen; but Zizes caught me off guard. See, right around the time Sam started sniffing around 'Cedes, Lauren made me go with her to the free clinic for this seminar on safe sex. It was redundant as hell; basically all the same shit you learn at school in health class about safe sex and STDs. But at the end, we all got tested for HIV, and the counselors gave us these goody bags full of rubbers and dental dams and rubber gloves and shit. The grab-bag alone made the class worth the three hours it took to get outta there. But even better than that part; was that fact that when our tests came back negative, Zizes told me she was gonna let me hit it. We talked first, about all the people each one of us had ever fucked or sucked. And she made me tell her the names of all the chicks I'd ever hit raw besides Quinn. But then she cut the lights off, stripped down to her birthday suit, and told me to "get naked."
Zizes was seriously the best thing to ever happen to my dick at that point in my life; she had me completely fucking pussy-whipped, and I ain't even ashamed to admit to it. She'd do this backward ride-em cowboy shit that made my damn toes curl and my teeth chatter. And my ex may not have the type of body that most of my boys go for, but she was confident as hell; walked around naked like she ain't have any damn shame. So when she rode me backwards I got to watch her bare ass roll and grind while she slid up and down on my cock. And it was so fucking sexy I couldn't get enough. When you also consider how much strengh my baby had in them jiggly ass thighs, and the fact that she had the sex drive of ten or fifteen rabbits... I was pretty much convinced that getting it in with Zizes was my special karmic reward for being less of a dick junior year.
Anyway, we'd been fucking for about month when Zizes came over and told me the end had come. Lauren had been kicking it with that dude on the hockey team she had a crush on, and I guess he liked her back. So she was gonna get with him. She gave me a seriously hot goodbye fuck that made me sad as hell, since I couldn't look forward to a whole summer of it. Right before she left my room Lauren asked me if I was okay, and whether I knew what I was gonna do next. I knew she wanted to know if I was gonna go try to get with Jones. I didn't tell her 'Cedes was sneaking around with Sam at the time; instead I just nodded while she looked happy for me. Then she bounced. Shit fucked me up for a minute.
The second thing to fuck with my emotions the summer before senior year was Evans' relationship with Jones. I already told you that those two were keeping shit on the hush and letting it stay a secret from the Glee folks. But Sam must be a better Double-0 secret spy than I gave 'em credit for. Cause he came over one Friday night after Zizes dumped me to spend the night and told me he knew I had already figured it out. I congratulated Evans and told him I'd keep his secret, and from that point on dude made a habit of picking my brain every time something was keeping him up at night. I mean, I'm okay with giving friendly advice to my homies, as long as we don't let the shit get all Lifetime Movie Network or whatever. But at the time I was still hurting from losing Zizes, and every time he mentioned his girl, it reminded me what MY ex had said about me getting with her. In a way, I really resented Evans for swooping in on Jones when I kind of expected her to be available for me. And trust me, I know how seriously fucked up that was.
So I got a whole summer worth of TMI from Evans about his relationship with Jones. Mostly dude just came over and we played video games and he'd bring shit up if something crossed his mind. I don't even think Trouty was really looking for any advice, most likely he just wanted a sounding board. I got it, though…His relationship was a secret, so he would shoot the shit with the only other person who knew about it. But there were a few times where something bothered Sam so much he actually turned the PS3 off and asked me if I had a minute to talk. Those were the times when I learned way too much about Samcedes.
Like the day Trouty was all fucked up about this fight he and 'Cedes had about telling everybody they were together. It didn't break 'em up or nothing, but he'd been giving Jones the silent treatment a couple of days, because he felt like she was ashamed of their relationship or something. I guess, intellectually he knew Mama wasn't like that; but the secrecy was fucking his head up. That day I had to dish out some hard truths…I told Evans that he was having this problem partly because of me. Explained to him how me and Jones dated for fake way back when, so I could be popular. Then I told him it was also kinda his fault too, since he was just as guilty for dating Quinn and Satan to boost his rep. It looked like he was soaking up what I was dishing out, so I decided to let Evans know what I really thought the problem was.
"Look, Evans…I get it. You don't understand why Jones ain't feeling puttin your shit on front street. She's the coolest chick at McKinley; and if mother-fuckers would stop comparing her to the damn Cheerios, they'd see she's the sexiest girl at school."
Then Bieber-Head narrowed his eyes and hit me with that look he always gets right before he starts shoving motherfuckers. So I started talking faster to head his ass off.
"So I can feel you wanting to claim your lady and be out in the open. But Jones ain't the type of girl to enjoy the kind of attention she'd get as your public girlfriend. So she's trying to keep the shit between just you two."
"What do you mean, 'the kind of attention she'd get as my girl'?"
"Like Cheeri-hoes trying to steal you away from her," I shot at him. "Like Adams and Rashad getting in her ass about dating a non-Black Titan. Like bitches hating on her for not looking like your exes. Jew-Fro doing a damn expose in the Muckraker." I counted them off on my fingers so he'd know just how deep her fear probably was.
"But Mercy…" It kinda fucked me up every time he called her that, since it was such a familiar sounding nickname. I guess he probably can't stand me calling her "Mama," either. "…is the sexiest girl I ever dated, hands down! I mean, every time she looks at me with her big brown eyes through those long eyelashes or kisses me or runs her hands through my hair I completely lose my shit. My exes ain't got dick on her!" Sam got really loud, like he was trying to convince me or something. He shouldn't have bothered, cause I remember that shit myself.
The next thing I said was my way of helping him out by being selfless...and I gotta say, sometimes being a good friend sucks ass.
"I get it Trouty, believe me. But you're kinda new to this dating stuff," I told him, remembering how he once told me Quinn was his first actual girlfriend. "And the only two chicks you ever went out with were cocky as hell. So you're not used to all the different ways girls tell you they're feeling insecure and shit. Jones ain't like them…She might own her particular brand of sexy, and believe she's hot or whatever. But your girl's not sure she's sexy enough for your blonde, muscular, football-playing ass. That's probably what's behind all the secrecy."
"So how the hell do I convince her?" Sam asked, kinda frustrated.
"You gotta show her. Trust me; I know from experience that Jones won't believe that you really think her booty is sexy, until she's had to swat your hand away from it a few times."
He kinda gave me this look that let me know he was thinking about me feeling all on that rump, so I quit talking about it with the quickness.
"And her tits? I know 'ole girl's been wearing some sexy ass sundresses and shit this summer. If I was you she'd be fighting to keep my tongue outta her cleavage on the daily."
"Puckerman," Evans started. "If you think for one min…"
"And her mouth is sexy as fuck," I went on. "But she ain't gonna believe YOU think it's sexy till you tell her you been dreaming about her wrapping it around your…"
"Okay, asshole…I get it," Dude shut me up. I shook my head to get the mental image I'd been chewing on outta my brain, while Evans kept talking. "But that's not me, Puck. I was raised to be more respectful than that."
"I believe you, and look where the hell that's gotten you." I muttered.
"Huh?"
"Okay, Evans…time for some straight talk here."
"Straighter than the talk we've been having?" he interrupted me.
I just ignored his bullshit. "I'm pretty sure you and the rest of the New Directions think my ass is too dumb or possibly too conceited to pay attention to all the drama going on in that piece, unless it involves me directly. But I've been observing you making mistakes with those two exes of yours since I got out of Juvie. And most of its been fucking painful to watch. First of all there's Quinn. You let my baby mama lead you around like a damn puppy for weeks; flirting with you, telling you how hot she thought you were, giving you hope. But every time somebody asked if you two were a couple or just assumed you were; she made sure to set their asses straight. So you were running around being faithful to a chick who was denying you every damn day…you even bought her ass a ring! It wasn't until you went off on Karofsky for Kurt and had the whole Glee Club patting you on the back that she finally agreed to be your girl. So Quinn gets to have a hot boyfriend; not the QB, but still on the team…chasing after her, carrying her books to class, holding her doors open and shit, while you make her feel good about herself. She's the Barbie to your Ken, knowing whole time that you're more into her than she is into you."
Sam looked kind of ashamed that I'd noticed how sprung Quinn had him, but I shot him a look to say "it happens to the best of us," and kept going.
"So you're without a doubt the best boyfriend Quinn ever had, right? And she trusts you, 'cause you're not the type to try to talk her outta her panties; so everything's all good. But she's still all about popularity stakes, and you're not the BMOC anymore, Finn is. So what does she do? Let's Finn talk her into cheating on you the same way she cheated on him with me. And Finn's jealous of you, so he uses that as an excuse to pay the douche-baggery I inflicted on him forward. Trust me, I get it from his point of view…since that's half the reason I did the shit to him. But you didn't deserve to get left standing there with all the hurt feelings or whatever."
Sam nodded.
"So then you get with Satan. And she's not even trying to convince you that she's in love…In fact, Tana probably told you straight out she was just using you to hurt Quinn. And you just say 'fuck it;' it might be worth having a meaningless relationship to get some face time with the twins and show Quinn she wasn't about shit. So you and Satan have fun or whatever…you sit together in Glee and make Que crazy; make out all the time. She's a bitch, but you figure you can deal with a few hurt feelings in the interest of revenge. The whole time though, you're still letting that perfect gentleman bullshit fuck you up. Cause Satan's still fucking Britt on the regular; ole girl finally realized she honestly prefers clits to dicks. So while Sammy's at home playing on the X-Box…
Then I wondered something. "...Wait, did you still have an X-Box when you and Satan went out?"
Sam shot me a dirty look…and also the bird, but he nodded his answer.
"Cool. So you were spending all your time playing video games, but Tana's down at Britt's every afternoon getting her rocks off. Santana knows you're not gonna insist she put out for you like she did every other dude in school. So she gets to have her Sam cake and still eat pussy, too. Win-Win for Satan."
Evans looks kinda flabbergasted that I knew he wasn't hitting that…but I'm a sex shark. I can smell frosty balls.
"Then she pulls that shit with Karofsky, and you don't even go off! Any other dude in school would a called her every kind bitch and hoe in the world and beat ole boy's ass. But you didn't, just sat in Glee that day looking butt-hurt. If you hadn't been so damn noble, the shit may have played out different!"
"So I'm supposed to just forget my home training?"
"No..." I told him, since I know how serious these Southern dudes are about respecting womankind or whatever. "...it's just that you didn't stop to consider the fact that not every chick deserves to be treated like a lady. You should think a little bit more about that. And the ones who do…Like 'Cedes? They're still young, and most girls our age are still at least partially turned on by bad boys. Even the ones that dig on romantic gestures and good manners and shit in public want a little bit of a roughneck in private. So instead of concentrating being a Southern gentleman, you need to let your inner good 'ol boy out…get a little bit Brody in this bitch."
"I don't think…"
"Evans," I interrupted. "Can you look me in the eye and honestly tell me you ain't itching to meet some of that pretty brown skin face to face?"
He turned beet red, but shook his head "no."
"And you'd never pressure her for more than she was ready to give you, right?" I had to make sure his inner good 'ol boy wasn't a date rapist, too.
He shook his head again.
"So show your appreciation and let her see how much you want her. I can guarantee…it ain't gonna piss Jones off. It'll make her more comfortable being your girl, if anything."
"I guess I'll think about it, Puckerman."
"See that you do."
We didn't talk about that shit again, but I know he took my advice. The second time Evans came to me wanting to talk about his relationship was this time he showed up not long after he and Jones came out to everybody. It was completely crazy the way old boy marked Mercedes as his territory…They probably could have just sent a mass text out and answered a few calls to let us all know what was up, but that wasn't Evans' style at all. That dude spent 24 hours tweeting nonstop, like his name was Rachel freakin Berry. Every time Jones left the room, came back in the room, had a snack, made up her bed, picked up a remote, looked for her shoes, played Angry Birds, started her car, or washed a damn dish; Evans was posting that shit on Twitter. I'm pretty sure she went upside his head to keep him from posting anything about when she peed or whatever. It was definitely a bit much, but it did get the job done. Dude had Jones on lock, and the whole clique knew about it. Anyway, that was the day I knew he and Jones weren't satisfied with rounding the bases and playing around with each other. By that time, those two were breaking fucking headboards.
I can always tell when dude starts getting some pussy; it's like my own version of Spidey Sense or something. It's all about comparing the way a dude acts before he gets some, to how he acts after he hits it. And I make a study of seeing which parts of a guy's personality are a result of blue balls. Like, those ADD-type mother-fuckers at school who never sit still and are always running their fucking mouths. You've seen 'em, they're the type of kids teachers can't stand to have in their classes cause they get on everybody's nerves so bad. Jew-Fro's a good example. Most of the times even the damn student population can't stand their asses. Then, all of a sudden, they get all mellow and start making good grades and stuff. All that jittery bullshit was basically just nervous horny energy. Or the dudes who sniff up behind chicks all the time and can't get any of the ones he's really digging to give him the time of day. Then he gets lonely, or lowers his standards or something, and goes out with a lame chick that's really into him. After nerd-girl gives him some nookie, all of a sudden 'ole dude got all kinds of game. He develops some swagger, finally, since his thirstiness was all icy balls. Evans sort of fits into that last category, except he never settled for 'Cedes. He just never really saw her before since his head was so full of bullshit. Anyway, dude was a lot more comfortable in his own skin after he finally laid the pipe. His southern accent was so thick I barely understood his ass sometimes. And he quit staring in the damn mirror pinching his nonexistent body fat while cursing his favorite foods, too.
That was the day Guppy came over telling me his family was moving, and he didn't want to leave Jones because he was in love with her. I was actually pretty shocked that their thing was that serious. I mean, I knew if Jones was putting out, she had to be at least somewhat in love with Evans; but I was putting the shit into the "Summer Love" category. Like, some fall-fast-when-it's-hot-outside-then-drift-apart-when-the-tempurature-drops kinda shit. But I was wrong; this was some sho-nuff, for real, forever kinda love. Evans was crying his ass off and bitching about his parents fucking everything in his life up. Talking about how he was alright working his ass off to pay for shit, and living in a motel with a damn pimp next door if it meant he could stay with Jones. Shit broke my damn heart.
I tried to ask him what happened when he told Jones, but he just lay on my bed blubbering. Then I kicked him in the ass and forced him to sit up and answer me. Dude told me he and Lil Mama were planning to try the long distance thing, but he was worried he'd fuck it up. They'd been having an on-again off-again argument for a few weeks because this dude at her church was testing Sam's patience by sly-ways trying to hit on 'Cedes. Evans went on and on about how hard he'd been trying to help his girl work on her self-confidence, but she still didn't think ole boy had the hots for her. She kept insisting that the guy, Tinsley, was just a friend and that Sam's jealousy was bullshit. And Sam could tell what was up. He knew the deal, cause every girlfriend he'd ever had was hot as hell on top of being a cheater. So Sam knew the feeling of another guy's eyes on his woman all too well. He saw the fuckery all over Tinsley's face and wasn't shy about letting the motherfucker know he was onto him. So every time Sam went off, Cedes defended the guy. It was getting to be a thing.
I just tried my best to reassure him and reminded Sam that Mama loved him. Even got graphic about it and told him he wasn't as slick as he thought he was and that I could tell he and 'Cedes were banging like the screen door in a hurricane. I also reminded him that Tinsley might be getting some friendly-time in between classes with Jones, once school started; but Evans was the only one getting any face-time in between her legs. So he had plenty of reason to believe his relationship was solid. Shit, most of the girls I know end up falling deep in love with whoever-the-hell pops their damn cherry, anyway; it's like some kind of law of nature. In the end I even suggested Sam go work them Trouty lips on Mama's southern ones by way of apology before she got too mad. He shot me a glare, but ran his ass outta my room like his dick was on fire. I guess he was taking my advice.
So What Else Is Going On...
When I wasn't playing Oprah or getting dumped, I spent the summer trying to make up for all the shit I pulled the one before. I worked a lot, driving anywhere and everywhere I could get a pool cleaning gig to make extra money. I was saving up...a few things had crossed my mind that would require some cash in the long term and I wanted to be ready for 'em. Like my post-grad plans. In the back of my mind, I always knew I wanted to leave Ohio when I got my diploma. That time Quinn called me a Lima Loser kinda fucked with my head, and I definitely didn't wanna be that guy. Old ass motherfuckers buying booze for high school kids and pumping gas for a living? There're plenty of them around here, already, and I wasn't trying to add to the number. I started putting a few hundred back every month, just so I'd have the option of moving some day. I didn't know where I wanted to go or what I was planning on doing, but my fear was enough motivation to at least start socking dough away.
And in the back of my mind, I always figured I might want to do something big for Beth...so she'd know her birth dad hadn't forgotten about her. I mean, the adoption was open, and my Moms had taken on the job of sending Shelby pictures of the Puckerman side of Beth's birth family. So I knew if Babygirl and me ran into each other one day in the future she'd probably recognize me. But I kept having these fucking nightmares where a grown-up Beth was up in therapy telling some shrink she was unhappy because her Daddy never gave a fuck about her. Or ones where she got pregnant at 16 trying to find a man to replace the one she never knew. Or the absolute worst, Beth asking some teacher or her pastor to give her away at her wedding because her "Biological Didn't Bother." I was gonna nip all that shit in the bud by making sure I put a percentage of every dollar I made into my "Beth Fund." I figure by the time she was 18, it would be pretty fat. Then she could use it for college, or move to her big dream city, or shit...throw a damn party. Either way, she'd know it came from me. And that I was thinking about her.
Thinking about Beth all grown up forced me to take a look at Michelle, too. I remembered from Juvie how many of the guys in our group sessions kept jawing about their little sisters having babies at 13 and 14; and a lot of the time the daddies were old as fuck. They talked about how growing up without fathers and shit made the chicks look for that strong male influence everywhere they went; up until some creeper finally took unfair advantage. I couldn't do very much about getting my Pops to come be a Daddy to Michelle, but I could for damn sure let her know she had me in his place. So I took total control over my little sister's social life that summer. She's twelve, and sort of into a bunch of girly shit I never understood. But I got as involved as I possibly could. Every time one of her little buddies threw a sleepover? I was the one dropping her off and making sure the parents were gonna be around the whole time. Every time she wanted to meet her friends at the mall and hang out? Noah was right there, making sure the wrong eyes weren't on 'em. Michelle made all this noise about not needing a babysitter, but she was just fucking with me. I knew she thought it was cool to hang out with her big bro. Plus all her friends were damn near in love with the 'Zilla, so I never even needed to wangle an invite. My ass was always welcome. I made sure to do all the drop offs and pick-ups too, whenever she had any pre-teen shit going on at synagogue. Even took her with me a couple of times to my pool jobs. I just wanted Michelle to understand that she had a man to talk to about things; somebody around to help her learn the stuff our Pops never taught her. That way she wouldn't fall into that fucked up Daddy fixation shit.
Aside from that stuff, I pretty much just chilled. I worked out a lot, tried to make time to do shit with my Moms so she'd start trusting me again. At one point I tried to rally everybody in Glee together, because I was worried my Babymama was going off the rails. She was all tramp stamps and pink hair and Marlboro Lights that summer, and I figured the homies could help me set her straight. Didn't work though. I made sure to check in on Jones once or twice a week, too. She seemed really sad, and lonelier than ever since Evans left. I could definitely relate, cause I was on some self-imposed solitude kick myself. Most nights I just played video games and watched movies alone, and the only other time I really socialized was if somebody popped up over here. Looking back, I guess I might have been sort of depressed or some shit. I don't know if Zizes dumping me caused some of my melancholy, or if maybe it was just growing pains...but the only time I was happy was in my damn sleep.
Sweet Dreams
That's right; I started having freek-a-deek dreams about Mama again that summer. Not every night or anything, maybe once or twice a week...and every time I saw her, of course. But without Quinn's ass there, I could actually stay asleep long enough to see how the motherfuckers ended. And that shit ended hot and sweaty every damn time. Most of my dreams took place right there in my own bed. Mama and me would be napping, watching TV, or maybe just lying around talking. We'd start making out; nothing heavy, just kissing and touching each other. Then usually she'd start playing with the nipple ring I ain't have anymore or running her hands underneath my shirt to stroke my abs. Then we both would get topless; Dream Mama was all about the sexy strip-tease. I'd find an excuse to wrap my arms around her as tight as I could, 'cause Dream Me was a complete cuddle whore. Then I'd start leaving hickeys all over her sexy body. I'm pretty sure I can just about guess what Mama's skin tastes like, since I know how she smells and my dream-self attacked her like she was an ice cream cone every couple of nights. By the time I made my way to her tits, Mama'd be whimpering with her legs wrapped all the way around my waist. Obviously, we'd get naked; cause, what would be the point otherwise? And of course Dream Me was all about getting Mama off using whatever means necessary. That wasn't anything new. But what was new was the fact that Dream Mama would always turn the tables on me. At some point in all my summer dreams, Mercedes would make sure to go all Zizes on me, do this boss ass wrestling hold, and flip me the fuck over. In reality that shit would probably make me feel like a pussy, but I completely dug it while I was sleeping. Then she'd drape her soft body all over mine and use the whole thing to completely turn me into her bitch. Sometimes she'd use her tatas to titty fuck me to death. Other times she'd slide my cock in between her thighs and dry fuck me naked. Once or twice she used her sexy little mouth and hands to make me blabber and wail. But every single time Mama got the last word...and the last word was always me screaming obscenities mixed with various Yiddish phrases.
I felt really guilty, obviously, knowing I was dreaming of my boy's girlfriend every night. But I didn't feel guilty enough to stop sleeping. And I actually took a little time to try to figure out why I was doing the shit. I mean, obviously I considered the possibility of me actually being in love with Jones, and fixating or whatever on her in my sleep. But I eventually just convinced myself that I liked the chick as a person, and dug on her looks. Plus, my ex had put all this shit in my head about getting with her someday, and the idea had taken root. I probably could have found another chick to screw silly that summer and tried to get the shit outta my head, but Zizes taught me a huge lesson in sex being better when you like a chick. So I just let my dreams and my right hand be my only sex life.
By the time Senior year started, I was pretty much heavily invested in trying to keep my head on straight at all times. I had ambitions, and even some tentative plans…and I was looking forward to making the shit happen. Plus, I knew I wasn't the biggest fuck-up in Glee anymore, if Quinn was anything to go by. That shit was a serious confidence booster. When the first day of school rolled around I was real excited about starting a new era. If I'd have known what all was in store for me though, I probably would have switched fucking school districts.
A/N: The next chapter will come back to the present, because I like to check in on my couple after every summer break. It will heavily be based on the Thanksgiving/Sectionals episode of S4 with variations from canon as needed. I hope you like it!