As the weeks pass, the small fire of hope that burns before I enter my room reduces to smouldering, blackened coals.
I can't quite fathom my feelings: more often than not I feel a cavernous emptiness, like a glass without liquid, waiting to be filled. With each passing day I feel a gnawing sensation that I do not belong here. However, I do not belong anywhere. I am no one without the identity I was graciously bestowed with amongst the rush of adrenaline and fear. With a past of broken anonymity, I'll forever be a fugitive; fleeing from the aftermath of crimes and adventures I was thrust into.
I may have been liberated from conformity but I will forever be in a fragile limbo of glancing over my shoulder.
One night before I fall asleep I remember what Maz Kanata had said to me: That I have the eyes of someone who wants to run. I still do, I want to leave, disappear to a place while I can still escape. Maybe then the image of Rey won't haunt me when I sleep.
This morning marks a month since Rey left, I lay in my bed under a thin sheet, my arms behind my head, staring at the ceiling. I jump slightly as someone knock thrice on the door – no one comes to my room, not even Poe. "Coming," I call out evicting myself from the single sheet that I was laying under, leaving the bed covers untidily strewn in all directions. The weather has warmed up significantly even with the closed curtains my room is already humid.
I rummage through my closet, finding a shirt I quickly slip it over my bare chest. I put on some thin pants as I awkwardly hobble to open my door. Starla stands before me, wearing her nurse's outfit, her blonde hair pulled back like always and she is holding a tray with a glass of juice and porridge. I step aside and let her in.
"Good afternoon," she states as she places the tray on the desk.
"Afternoon?" I question, Starla nods slowly with her eyebrows raised.
Taking in my untidy bed she curiously asks: "Have you been in bed all day?"
"Yes, it's only morning," I reply, confused. Starla glances around the room and takes the small clock from the desk, handing it to me.
"When you didn't come for breakfast I assumed you were busy with Dameron..." I look at the clock face which reads three pm, I stare at it. Had I really stayed in bed all day, just lying there?
"I, I didn't realise the time, sorry," I can't explain myself; I don't even have an excuse.
Starla ignores my comment.
"Then when he was brought into the infirmary he wished you'd seen his crash-" I cut her off immediately
"What, Poe crashed, is he okay?" Starla sighs.
"If you'd let me finish, he crash landed... Yes, he is in a neck brace-" She notices how wide my eyes get, but quickly explains before I interrupt her, "-but it is just a precaution, he's still undergoing some tests, I'm sure he will be fine,"
"I need to see him," I state, already walking to the door.
"Finn, come back." Starla's serious tone makes me walk back to face her. "How long has it been since I've seen you?" She asks with one eyebrow raised and her lips pursed.
"Three?" I question quietly, and she moves her head up and down slowly, she doesn't have to ask I turn around and pull my shirt over my head.
"Good. Finn, it looks a lot better, having you been noticing?" I think about it for a moment and realise I hadn't ever looked at my scar properly.
"To be honest, no," I admit.
"Come over here. She opens my wardrobe and makes me stand in front of the full length mirror "Look." I glance over my shoulder there is a mismatch of skin, all different shades from dark to light. There are some large deep red patches and small stark white lines; it is hideous but I know it has healed considerably. Starla's familiar touch rubs the ointment into my shoulder; the burn has scarred, but is hardly noticeable. I watch as she strokes the ointment into the large mutilation on my back, it is a strange sight to behold.
Starla takes her hands away and I place my large shirt over my skin. She then twists the metal lid back on the container, making her way to the door.
"Thank you,"
"Eat your lunch, then you can go and see Dameron, deal?"
"Deal," I reply, she smiles at me cheerfully before walking out of my room closing the door behind her.
I quickly eat my meal before I leave my room and walk down the hall will my tray, placing it on the conveyer belt in the dining hall. I feel awkward and out of place as I pace around the twisting corridors to the infirmary. I stop at the front desk and ask where Poe is, I'm directed to ward 6. As I walk in a nurse is removing the brace around Poe's throat. "You'll stay the night so we can keep an eye on you, no more stunts." He orders, Poe replies with a mock sault.
"Yes sir." The nurse rolls his eyes and I hear BB-8 beep firmly as if saying he will make sure of it. The nurse leaves, almost bumping into me on his way out.
"Finn, oh buddy, you missed it, I can't believe you missed it!" His disappointment and excitement mix and I laugh.
"What did you do, are you okay?" I ask pulling a chair up and sitting next to his bed.
"It was awesome. I took up Koden's challenge to fly around the training course without BB-8, I was blindfolded too!" Poe is thrilled by his bold effort, BB-8 beeps in sad disappointment and I look at Poe with my mouth open; his careless attempt to prove his protégé right baffles me.
"You could have died..." I state, Poe sits up slightly and grips my shoulder.
"Finn, I wish you wouldn't worry so much. Anyway, I did it, I completed the entire course." I stay quiet as Poe explains his miraculous strategy, his eyes shine with satisfaction. "It wasn't until I made my landing approach that I realised the brake controls jammed and the wings weren't expanding. The emergency collision avoidance sensors activated and shut down the autopilot and I was able to manually key in the emergence brake sequence," he takes a breath.
"Blindfolded?" Even though I am sure he could, it would be a dangerous endeavour, even for Poe Dameron.
"Yep, couldn't see a thing," I snort out a laugh at his overconfident faith in himself, " I guess it turned out to be a bit more of a controlled fall rather than a landing, but I did it." He boasts and I sigh. A trace of a smile on my lips as I watch him suck his teeth, shrug his shoulder in haughtiness and causally place his arms behind his head in a pompous manner.
"Well I didn't doubt you'd be able to finish the course, why did you do it?" I ask.
"I just wanted to prove that I could, I have to keep my reputation up," He grins, but I feel there is a greater depth to his words.
"Are you alright though, what have the doctors said?" Poe's grin fades into a tender, friendly one.
"I'll be fine, just have to stay overnight so they can make sure I don't develop a concussion or show any other symptoms." I nod.
"Okay, well I'll stay with you." I readjust myself slightly into a comfortable position.
"Finn, you don't have to," I smile.
"You'd spend so much time with me when I was hooked up to all these-" I gesture to the all too familiar beeping machines behind his bed. "- it's about time I returned the favour." Poe takes his arms from behind his head, losing his smug demeanour.
"Okay," Poe agrees, we sit in a comfortable silence for a while. "So where were you anyway?"
"In my room, didn't realise the time," he gives me a look of understanding but I don't meet his gaze for very long.
"How's your back going, I saw Starla head to give you your treatment." This is the first time Poe has brought up anything that occurred that night on Starkiller Base since Rey left.
"It's as good as it'll ever be." Poe sighs, imaging what it must look like.
We talk for the rest of the afternoon. Having no-where to be, and nothing else to do Poe happily talks my ear off about his life. It is liberating for me to have my time filled so joyously, I listen to his voice as it dances through the air, thumping along with the beeps of the machines.
I feel our bond grow deeper, developing into something pure and forgiving, even if sometimes he fades in and out due to his medication flooding his system.
After I steal some of his dinner I end up falling asleep in the uncomfortable chair, my head resting on the edge of the bed.
Morning arrives and a communication droid sluggishly stomps in, waking me from my slumber; my muscles protest as I try and sit up. I hear BB-8's motors quietly humming right beside me, almost purring as the small ball conserves power. Poe's arm lazily rests on top of his favourite companion; it is quite a pleasant sight to behold, making me smile drearily before that loud, obnoxious gray droid begins to relay its contents. "Message for Poe Dameron-" Poe opens his eyes idly and stares at the droid "-and Finn," The droid takes a strange pause as if waiting for something before continuing, "Do you wish to receive this message now?"
"Yes," Poe doesn't wait for my response; I am confused as to why the message is also addressed to me.
"Said pilot and Rebel are to attend this month's conference held at precisely 13:00. located in the core military base headquarters."
"Thank you," Poe calls as the droid stomps out.
"Why I am supposed to attend?"
"I'm sure there is a reason," Poe smiles, swinging his legs off the bed
"Come on, I'm getting out of here, another moment with these beeping machines will drive me crazy," I realise just how comforting they were to me last night, reminding me of the nights I would stay on the hard bed and sleep away my physical pain; at least I knew that would heal.