Sorry for the delay in updating but this chapter has proved very difficult to write and has come out as a bit of a filler...not what I wanted but having wrote three versions this one was the best….anyway italics here show recent flashbacks and Jake has now been with the Cullens for nearly two weeks…let me know your thoughts, cos frankly I'm not too sure how I did with this one. Love to all. Tink. XX

REN POV

When I look back at Jake's first few days home, I can't believe that no one in my family pulled me to one side and told me how obvious I was being about my developing feelings for Jake. I followed him around like love sick puppy for Christ's sake, my eyes always seeking his, my voice always calling out for him, my ears straining to hear him if he left the room, my hands looking for a way to touch him, my body yearning for a way to be near him. It was embarrassing.

The first time he left to run shifts with the rest of the pack in Sam's absence, I sat by the window and waited for him, for six hours, just in case he didn't come back. Like I said, embarrassing. To me it just seemed so natural that I would be around him constantly, as though that was what was meant but maybe for Jake it wasn't so easy.

Despite having been with us for a little over seven days, he was still very quiet and on edge, never completely relaxing into the easygoing carefree guy I knew and loved before he disappeared.

Then there was the touching issue, every time I touched him, or hugged close to his side, he would get this pained look on his face and his entire body would tense. I missed the old days when I could sprawl all over him and show him how I felt with a single touch.

I didn't dare now, didn't think he would be able to take the intimacy of my touch and all the emotions that went with it, should I accidentally transfer something I didn't mean to.

As the days passed into the second week it dawned on me he didn't know about my gift, he did not know that all those memories he hungered for, that we spent hours talking about, I could give to him. He wasn't ready, he couldn't deal, and he was having a hard enough time with some of his own memories. His nightmares.

He suffered a lot with nightmares, often waking me down the hall with his shouts or cries, sometimes even growls or snarls. Then I would hear him awaken and he would pace the room like a trapped animal, his breathing harsh and ragged until gradually he would calm and settle. Then and only then would he sleep once more, sometimes to awaken shouting again, sometimes to sleep until noon. This had begun shortly after his arrival with us and out of all my family I found it the hardest to deal with…..

A pained cry woke me from my sleep and I sat up my ears straining for the unfamiliar sound in an otherwise silent house. In deference to my sleeping patterns most of my family hunted through the night so as not disturb me with their, uh, nightly activities.

My heart pounded with fear, as the noise came again and instantly I recognized the source. Jake. It was Jake. Something was wrong. Swinging my legs out of bed and landing lightly on my feet I rushed through the door, surprised to be met with my fathers face.

"Daddy, it's Jake," I said urgently, trying to get past him, pushing slightly.

"He's okay Renesmee, he's just having a nightmare…he'll be fine" he told me placing a reassuring hand on my shoulder.

"I have to go to him, wake him up, I can't leave him like this it's cruel"

My father shook his head "No Renesmee, it's too dangerous…you need to leave him in peace"

"Peace?" I gave a very Emmett like snort, quite proud of myself, and stared up at him "Does that sound like peace to you…we can't just leave him like that, he's hurting daddy"

"Ness… Jake is still very unstable, if you try and wake him whilst he is in the middle of such a bad dream, he could shift and hurt you before he even woke properly, it's too dangerous"

"I don't care, I can't just ignore this…he shouldn't have to go through this...would you have listened to mom go through that and left her, did nothing?"

It was a low blow and I knew it but I had to make him understand, hearing Jake in pain, hurt me and I couldn't ignore him when he needed me.

A shadow crossed my fathers face but before I could discern what it meant it had gone, "I have more than once and it is not something I'm proud of"

"Well I am not prepared to, let me by daddy" I demanded, tilting my head once more to look up at him.

"No Renesmee…you have to see the wider implications of this…Carlisle believes that these dreams are manifestations of his memories…that he is remembering what happened to him and where he has been…we need to let them play out if he has any chance of regaining his memory"

"But can't you just look and tell him, that would help him get his memory back…he's hurting daddy"

"I'm sorry Nessie, I know this is hard for you but sometimes you have to be an adult …I know you want to protect him but his mind is trying to tell him something and as painful as it is, this needs to happen so he can get his memories back"

I tensed as down the hall he cried out again, pain and fear making bile rise in my throat.

"Can't you at least ask Jasper to intervene…calm him down a little?"

Once more he shook his head but he sighed "Please believe me Nessie, if there was another way we would use it… but this is the best course of action…you have to be strong for Jake, Ness, he has done so much for us and now you can help him"

"By leaving him like this?"

My father ushered back into my bedroom, his face pained as he sat me firmly on the bed, and then took a space opposite me.

"About a year or so before you were born…I left your mother" he confided in a pained whisper.

My heart dropped inside me, my parents had one of the strongest relationships in my family, the idea that he had left her, abandoned her, didn't seem feasible to me. I eyed him suspiciously, wondering if he was making this up to make me feel better.

" I only wish I were" he said bitterly, refusing to meet my eyes "What I'm telling you now is not a secret but it is something neither your mother nor I enjoy talking about…there was an incident with your mother and Jasper"

"Uncle Jazz?"

"You know that was the youngest vampire when I met your mother and at times he had trouble controlling his thirst…it was Bella's birthday and she cut her finger…a silly little paper cut" he mused, his eyes taking on a far away look as he remembered "Jasper had to be restrained and she… fell when I tried to get her out of the way… hurting her arm quite badly…after that I developed the ridiculous notion that she would be better off without me, that I was only putting her in danger by being around-"

"So you left her?" I growled,

"We all did," he confirmed, sounding ashamed.

"Everyone… even Aunt Alice?" my mother and Aunt Alice were as close as real sisters.

"Everyone…I thought I was doing the right thing at the time, that I was saving her…I wanted her to have a normal human life, to grow old and have all the things that I could not give her"

"But obviously you came back? You knew you couldn't stand to be without her?"

"No it is much more complex than that…there are some things you are not ready to hear yet but I tell you this because I know how deeply it can cut you to hurt the one you love…to go against your natural instincts not to hurt them but sometimes it has to be done for their sake"

"This is different, you chose to leave Mom, knowing it would hurt her and it wasn't to make her better in the long run"

"But don't you see, I thought it was, as much as it hurt us both, I felt I had to do it, to save her…loving someone can be painful for you both…if you really love Jake, then you should do this for him, no matter how much it hurts you or him"

"I just want to protect him," I whimpered "I can't hurt him Daddy"

My father chuckled and ruffled my hair as he had when I was small child, "Sweetheart Jake is big enough and ugly enough to take care of himself…but you have to let this happen, it is for the best in the long run"

I nodded, my ears straining to hear what was happening along the hall. Thankfully there was silence; I prayed he was sleeping peacefully

"His mind is calm, he is resting…I have to ask that you do not disturb him if this happens again, can I trust you to do that? I cannot in good conscience continue to hunt at night if I think that you could be sneaking into his room to wake him…it's too dangerous"

I thought long and hard before I answered him, I didn't want to lie to him but I didn't honestly know if I could control myself. But I was determined to try and if this helped him than I would do it. I nodded just once and hoped I wasn't lying to him.


Jake POV

My early days with the Cullens were harder than I had anticipated, being around so many leeches set my teeth on edge and I felt constantly exhausted as I fought my natural instincts to phase. Course it didn't help that I wasn't sleeping well, my dreams plagued with nightmares, which felt like memories but were so horrifying, I prayed they could not be true.

It wasn't just the physical pain I dreamt of, there were visions, of Nessie, lying dead, hallucinations of her being tortured, raped, experimented on, crying out for me to save her whilst I struggled, bound and bleeding unable to help as she screamed for me to help her.

Those ones were the hardest to take, dealing with my own pain was one thing but dealing with hers was something else entirely. I lost count of the number of times I would jerk awake, gasping for breath, my arms reaching out for someone who wasn't there, images of her broken, battered and bruised body fading slowly from my eyes.

Then I would get up and pace or go into the kitchen, desperate for something, someone to replace the bad memories with good. For that was what I had come to believe they were, my memories, not nightmares but visions of my past.

What I struggled to understand is why Renesmee was in my memories, wherever I had been, I was certain it been against my will and I was more certain she had not been with me and had been here safe with her family. So why did she appear so frequently?

Perhaps it was my subconscious confusing all the time I spent with her during the day, just being together, and telling me stories from when she was younger. Just being with her was a balm to my soul, soothing the savage beast I knew was within me. I counted on her to be there, so when I awoke one morning and she wasn't there to greet me as usual I sensed there was something wrong not knowing that it would lead to another much more complex problem than her not being present………………

"Morning Bella" I called out as I strode into the kitchen and taking out the juice. I looked around for Nessie, expecting her to appear at my side with a large grin, as usual.

"Good morning Jake" she smiled as I drank greedily, my eye scanning the room.

"No Nessie?"

Edward got to his feet "She's not feeling too well this morning, she's decided to have a lie in"

I blanched, Nessie was a half vampire, she didn't get ill…did she?

"Yes Jake, sometimes she does get ill, it's her… human side" Edward told me reading my thoughts.

"Oh…well, maybe I'll just shoot upstairs and say good morning, see if there is anything she needs"

"No!" Edward and Bella snapped out together.

My eyebrows rose in surprise, what the fuck? Why didn't they want me around her?

"Jake, she's really not feeling too well…I don't think she would want you to see her" Bella said more gently.

"Well what's wrong with her?"

Edward rolled his eyes "Jake, she's just unwell…just leave her in peace, she just needs to sleep"

I wasn't buying it but if that's what she wanted then I would go back to my room and sleep myself, after all I hadn't slept well lately either.

"Thank you Jake" Edward said again reading my thoughts.

Mind carefully blank I headed back upstairs only thinking of how it would feel to slip into a peaceful sleep, how I was soooo tired. That's all I thought about as my feet carried me down the hallway, past my room and along to Nessie's door. I was so ready to sleep, ready for my own bed, not going to check on Nessie at all, I thought, as I pushed open her door with a little knock and peeked inside.

My entire body tensed as the smell hit me, it was like her usual scent but so much more potent and so arousing, my knees nearly buckled. I grabbed the doorframe as lust rose up inside me, driving me crazy.

"Nessie?" I growled, as the shape in the bed shifted, and I tried not to wolf out.

"Jake?" she murmured, her voice pained and weak "What are you doing in here?"

I took a deep breath as her scent hit me again, this time the animal in me was tempered by the knowledge she was sick, my mate was sick. As well as the usual lust I felt overwhelming tenderness, an urge to comfort her, to take away her pain.

"You're sick…I came to see if there was anything you needed," I murmured as I stepped into the room, half expecting Edward to come busting in on me at any second. Being in Nessie's room was not something I was normally allowed to do, for obvious reasons but this was different she was sick, she needed me.

"There is nothing you can do but thanks," she croaked, her voice trembling.

Crossing the room, I perched on the side of her bed, inhaling the scent that was as vital to me as air. Lust hit me like a wrecking ball again, I couldn't figure out why she smelt so good, so strong and so god damn arousing, my pants grew tight and I hunched slightly so Ness couldn't see the affect she had on my body. She was sick for fucks sake and all I could think about was how hot she made me.

Reaching out a hand, I placed it on her forehead, expecting her to be burning up, my entire body clenching at her sigh. She wasn't burning up but she did feel a little warmer than usual.

"What's wrong Ness…can I get you anything?" I asked smoothing her hair away from her forehead and ignoring the pull inside my lower body.

"I've got…cramps," she murmured, a delicate pink color spreading across her cheeks.

"Want me to rub it better for you?" I asked, wondering how a case of cramp could make her appear this ill, this fragile. I watched as the delicate pink, deepened to a vivid scarlet. Now what could provoke that reaction?

REN POV

"No…I've got cramps...you know…cramps" I stuttered out, my face flaming, unable to believe that I had to discuss this with him of all people. I stared up at him as realization dawned swiftly and he frowned.

"Oh, right…you want me to get some Tylenol?" he asked, his voice a shade higher than usual.

I wanted to die of mortification; this was so much more embarrassing than having the birds and bees talk with grandpa after we had tried to figure out what these cramps were. Being half human, half vampire meant that though I got cramps, I thankfully didn't get the bleeding humans did, but to make up for it I got twenty-four hours of hell.

"No, they don't really work…I just have to wait it out, try and sleep through" I murmured, wincing as another cramp gripped my insides. There were times I had prayed to bleed like other women; surely it must mean a release from this awful ache in my stomach?

He cleared his throat and looked a little uncomfortable for a few seconds; shifting restlessly on my bed "I remember Emily once saying that having her stomach rubbed helped with her pain when the baby was lying funny...think that would help?"

JAKE

I held my breath as I waited for her reply, wondering what on earth had possessed me to make such a torturous offer. But with that thought came another. I knew immediately why I'd offered to do it, because I couldn't bear to see her suffering, because I could override my savage need in the face of her pain.

Everything suddenly made sense, the reason why I was so overwhelmed by her scent, why I felt such savage lust towards her. As a now grown woman she was going through her fertile cycle and the animal in me was responding. Her hormones were calling to mine, my primal instincts brought to the fore.

"You would do that?" she asked seemingly amazed. Hell yes I would do that, anything to make her better, to take away her pain. I would walk over fucking hot coals if I had to, I would do anything for her, be anything for her.

I shrugged trying for a calm that I clearly did not feel.

"Sure…if you think it'll help"

Her eyes rose to meet mine and she flushed again "Okay…thanks"

She rolled to her side and shifted her blankets, to make room for me on her bed, giving me a tantalizing peek of the twin slopes of her breasts. The animal in me howled at the sight and I shook my head a little, trying to clear it, hoping for control.

Holding my breath I moved behind her, thankful she had a king size and carefully slipped an arm beneath her neck to support her as she shifted back against me trying to get comfortable.

Gritting my teeth I carefully moved my hips back from hers, so she wouldn't feel the erection that ached and throbbed inside my cargo pants. Placing my free hand on the soft cotton of her t-shirt I held myself still behind her, waiting, giving myself time to calm down. I breathed deeply through my nose and then exhaled through my mouth. Instantly I felt a wave of goose bumps break out across her skin, the little hairs on the back of her neck standing up.

This had to be a really bad idea, I thought as I buried my face in her hair, inhaling deeply and fighting for control.

"Is this okay?" my voice was gruff, hoarse even as I began to move my hand a little, in a slow circular motion, terrified that I would press too hard.

"Thanks Jake" she sighed, "I know how hard it is for you"

I chuckled into her hair; she had no idea and would more than likely run screaming and traumatized if she ever found out "No problem"

REN POV

My stomach clenched beneath his large capable hand, the searing heat from his skin, soothing the ache inside me better than any hot water bottle ever could. After only a few minutes I could feel the difference, the pain was still there, the ache still tangible but now so much more bearable thanks to my best friend and his wonderful clever hands.

Jake was silent behind me and I wondered if this was too hard for him, being this close to me, being this close to another human given his aversion to being touched. Maybe the fact he was doing the touching made this easier for him. Though judging by how still and tense he held himself behind me, I doubted it.

I could feel the heat from his chest through the vest I wore and after only a few minutes I began to heat up. He was like a furnace and the blankets were soon redundant, I kicked my legs, pushing them down, embarrassed but needing to cool down.

Sighing I felt myself relax against him, a new ache pushing in place of the old one. This ache too was deep inside me, but rather than painful this was nice, though it made me want to squirm closer to Jake and the clever way he touched me.

I wanted to twist, wanted him to slide his hand down a little further, lower on my stomach, lower to my hips and the ache that was rapidly blossoming between them. My breath hitched in my throat as I thought about him doing just that,

"Ness, are you okay…I'm not hurting you am I?" he asked, his voice deep and gravelly in my ear, sending yet more shivers across my body.

I felt my breasts swell against my top, and hunched over slightly, embarrassed, as my nipples pebbled helplessly. Unfortunately this had the effect of bringing my breasts into closer contact with the back of his huge hand. Just seeing them in close proximity made my stomach flip flop and I couldn't help but sigh, the pain inside me almost forgotten.

"No" I sighed out, my breath coming a little faster as his words tickled my ear and the hand beneath my head tangled in my curls, plucking at them. I felt like I could melt into a huge gooey puddle.

JAKE

She was trying to fucking kill me. Kicking the blankets off to reveal her slender legs, her milky white thighs and then bending over, presenting me with her heart shaped ass, the slopes of her breasts nearly on the back of my hand. Shifting once more I moved my lap away from her.

But I could still smell her, smell the heat emanating from her, smell how my touch affected her and the beast inside me roared, demanding I take what she was unconsciously offering me. She may not know what was happening to her but I sure as hell did and it made the entire blood surge hotly inside me, sending a pulse to my hard on.

I cursed myself for getting into this, I was trying to quell the savage, primitive feelings I got around her but lying her on her bed, surrounded by her scent was just making things worse. She was turned on and that fed my own hunger. I could hear her heart racing, her pulse pounding, her breathing unsteady.

What had I done, I wondered as she turned from her side onto her back to look up at me. Her eyes were soft, dreamy, languorous, a flush of heat along her cheeks. She gazed up at me and I could see the need on her face, her breaths escaping a little too quickly.. I couldn't look away from the wonder in her eyes, I was trapped.

My hand on her stomach stilled and the air around us grew thick with sexual tension. She took one of her hands and placed it over my heart and I could feel the tremor flow through her.

"Thank you Jake," she murmured and suddenly a feeling of love so strong it almost choked me, surged into me. It hadn't come from me; it was overwhelming and pure love, tenderness, passion, lust and confusion, uncertainty all bundled together.

"What was that?" I breathed around the feelings still crowding me.

"I have a gift too…I can show you my thoughts, my feelings…my memories" she murmured, her eyes on mine, gauging my reaction.

"All those things I felt, they came from you?"

The love, the lust? That was her? The unbearable need?

She nodded shyly "I want you to know how much I appreciate what you've done for me…. what you always do for me"

I frowned uncertain what she meant, "I don't understand"

"Doing this…I know how hard it is for you to be close to me…to touch me… to touch anyone now….but you've done that for me…you're taking care of me like you always have…but there is so much I need you to remember, so much you need you to remember" she whispered sounding teary.

"Tell Me," I begged, desperate for more pieces of the life I had shared with her but was missing out on.

"I can show you instead" she made it sound like a question, yet I could still hear her uncertainty and she stretched a hand out towards me very slowly, as though giving me chance to back away from her touch.

She reached up her hand and placed it against the heat of my cheek and I wanted to haul her close, trap her against my chest, the feeling of her was so amazing

And suddenly I was seeing myself as she saw me, younger looking, well groomed, clean, always smiling, always by her side, encouraging her, playing with her, looking out for her, swimming with her, hunting with her. I could almost hear her delighted giggles, she squeals as I threw her through the air as a small child, the joy she felt at having her uncle Jake around. The expression on my face when I looked at her was one of love, doting, and pride, almost father like. To my immense relief there was no trace of the savage need I felt at present on my past self.

As she grew I could see how she felt about me change, I went from god like, to best friend, someone who understood what it was to be human, someone who understood her grief when the pet rabbit I gave to her died, someone who held her as she cried over it, someone who liked the same dumb movies, someone who she could tell anything to.

And then her memories changed again, the way she saw me shifted, I could feel the prickle of awareness, the feeling of need without understanding what the need was, the pain of my rejection when I told her we couldn't share a bed anymore, that I needed space.

It was surreal to view myself through a filter of desire, see my body the way she did, my chest and arms featuring very prominently in her thoughts. I chuckled out loud, wondering if she knew the significance of what she was showing me. Hearing her gasp I figured she realized her mistake as she yanked her hand away, her face filling with color once more.

"Thank you Ness" I said touching her own face, rubbing my thumb along her cheekbone. Tracing her blush, I lingered along the side of her face and unable to stop myself slid my fingers across her bottom lip.

"Oh" she breathed, the action parting her lips, her tongue coming out to slick against my finger.

My entire body clenched with lust and I could not hold back the growl that escaped from chest at the feeling of her damp hot mouth on my skin.

"Jake?" she breathed, sounding uncertain and pleading at the same time.

REN POV

The taste of Jake's skin against my tongue was more amazing than any food, human or vampire, I had ever consumed. It tasted like his scent but much, much more potent, his fingers trembling, his body jumping as my tongue escaped for another taste. At his growl, liquid heat pooled between my thighs and I shifted, crossing my legs against the ache between them and wondered what would happen if I gave into the need to suck his finger deep into my mouth.

My heart was racing furiously, my breath coming in broken pants as overwhelming need coursed through me. I yearned to be close to him, to feel his mouth against mine. The way he looked at me, the way he watched my mouth, the intensity of his gaze made the ache inside me spring to life.

Slowly, so slowly that I thought I'd go crazy, he lowered his face to mine, until he was so close I could feel the heat of his rapid breaths, sense the savage pounding of his heart and my eyes flickered closed. Anticipation made it hard to breath and I was about to beg him to just touch me, kiss me, when I heard familiar footsteps out in the hallway, rapidly approaching my bedroom door.

"Fuck" Jake coursed and moved from the bed so quickly that I almost toppled over the edge.

He settled on the floor his back against my closet door, his legs drawn up against his chest, his handsome face taut. Seconds later my mothers concerned face appeared around the door frame.

"Hey…oh Jake, I thought you had gone back to bed" she said her eyes shifting between us suspiciously.

"Couldn't sleep, thought I'd stop by and see how Nessie was feeling" his voice was thick and slow and I shivered in reaction.

My mom came in and perched on the edge of the bed, smoothing the blankets around me, brushing my hair away from my heated skin, a small frown on her face.

"How are you Ness, any better?"

I nodded; not trusting my voice, hoping the color on my face would not betray what had nearly happened between us. Again my mom's eyes shifted back and forth between us, narrowing a little.

"So Jake, I think Edward wants to speak with you" she told him pointedly and I wanted to roll my eyes, talk about obvious. I was mortified. Not only had I nearly kissed Jake but then I was nearly caught by my mom. Not cool.

Jake glanced at me; his face no more relaxed than it had been only seconds ago but more resigned. I nodded at him, answering his unspoken question, allowing him to go while I faced the inquisition I knew was coming, alone. One word. Busted.