As Amanda drove to the office, her thoughts tormented her all the way. First it was her thoughts of Lee and the insane attraction she felt for him. It's much more than attraction and you know it, she scolded herself, but soon shook that thought off. Second, there was the complete lack of attraction she felt for Dean, who was her actual boyfriend and wanted to be her husband. She shuddered at that thought. Third, there was her mother. She let out a deep sigh. She couldn't figure that one out at all. One minute, she was telling her that she could relate to how she felt so blasé about Dean, the next, she was encouraging her to accept his marriage proposal; even going as far as to suggest that she take another vacation with him.
"Like that's ever gonna' happen again," she snorted as she kept a tighter grip on the steering wheel than she normally would. She recalled with vivid clarity and a bit of a sinking feeling exactly what had happened on that one vacation she'd taken with Dean to the mountains in Arkansas. She remember when she and Lee had pretended to be married and how he'd enjoyed teasing her about it. Truth be told, there was a lot to be teased about when the fishing was more exciting that the sex. She imagined that she wouldn't have had that problem if Lee had been on that trip with her.
"Great, now we're back to Lee," she muttered just as she pulled her station wagon into the parking lot of The Agency. She shook her head again and tried to get rid of those thoughts of her partner who wouldn't admit that he was her partner, but they just wouldn't go away. She found her mind drifting back to the conversation in their "cheery kitchen," and wondered what it would be like to really be married to him. "No," she stated firmly. "Never gonna' happen." She knew all too well already what it would be like to be married to Dean, stable, routine and while, no doubt loving, a bit too routine for her liking, especially in the bedroom. He had just no imagination there. But he really is a good man, she argued with herself. And he loves the boys.
"I'm starting to sound like my mother," she sighed in annoyance with herself. Good man or not, loving her boys or not, she didn't love him, and she couldn't pretend that she did. She wasn't even slightly attracted to him. It simply wasn't fair to him for her to keep stringing him along. This bout with amnesia and having her memories come flooding back all at once seemed to have sharpened each and every one of them, bringing to the forefront of her mind just how wrong Dean was for her. Lee had even said it, "I just don't see you two together." She'd questioned him on that, but he hadn't given her any real answer. She knew all too well that he was right and did know the reasons. She had to end it with Dean. Her mother would just have to accept that it was never going to be with him.
"Mother," she stated softly. What was up with her? Why was she so determined to believe that she was having a secret love affair? You know why, her inner voice reminded her. It was true, since she'd begun working for The Agency, she'd behaved unlike herself. She knew it. She'd been less and less enthused by her relationship with Dean, had been running out of the house at all hours, had made up crazy excuses for where she'd been and why her clothes or her car were a wreck or even sometimes why she didn't come home at all like the night that she and Lee had spent locked up in straitjackets.
Her mind jumped back to Lee again and the case that had led to that night; another instance in which they'd shared a heated kiss in the heat of the moment to protect their covers. She unconsciously brushed her hands against her lips as she'd done the night before in bed and closed her eyes as the memories washed over her. It was as if she could still feel his lips on hers.
She jumped when there was a aloud rap on her window, startled out of her memories. She turned to see Francine gaping at her through the glass. She quickly rolled the window down, and hurriedly told her, "I'm late, I know. It was a rough night. I'm coming right in." She reached for her purse.
"Don't bother," the blonde replied tartly with a wave of her hand. "Lee's not here."
"He's not?" She breathed a sigh of relief. The last thing she wanted right now was to see him when she'd been dreaming of him all night.
"Are you sure you've fully recovered from your bout with amnesia, Dear?" Francine questioned, a bit of haughtiness in her tone. "You don't look quite right. I mean, not that you ever do, but you look even more out of touch with reality than normal. It's almost as if you-"
"Thank you for asking, Francine, but I'm fine," Amanda cut her off before she could get too far into her digs at her. "I'm one-hundred percent recovered."
Francine nodded. "Good, because Lee wants you to meet him at his place, though I can't imagine why. You too aren't..." She shook her head. "No, that's too twisted even for Lee." She laughed and took off in the direction of the building.
Amanda winced at Francine's words. She knew that it was just Francine being...well, Francine, but she couldn't help feeling that there was some truth to her words. When she thought of the idea of herself and Lee as a couple, it was almost too ridiculous to put into words. As she backed out of her space and began the short drive from the office to his apartment, she couldn't help her mind drifting back to that conversation in their fake kitchen again. She'd lectured him on how normal people live which had sparked an argument, but then when he'd called it their "first fight as man and wife," and had shaken her hand, she had been unable to control the jolt of electricity that had passed through her at that simple contact.
She wondered if it was the fight that had sparked that jolt or if it were something more. No, it had to be something more because she'd felt it again that time that he'd kissed her when she was pretending to be a reporter and she'd felt it again last night. Come to think of it, she'd felt it just before she'd asked him if they were involved when she'd had amnesia. That was what had prompted her to ask the question of him in the first place. She'd felt so certain in that moment that she couldn't have felt that drawn to a man that she had no memory of if they didn't already have an intimate relationship.
Before she knew it, she'd arrived at his building and was pulling up to the curb in front of it. She'd been so lost in her thoughts, she'd been just driving on autopilot. How does someone do that if their heart isn't in it? No, she had to admit, at least to herself, as she had last night, that she was insanely, hopelessly in love with Lee Stetson. The question was, once she got inside, would she be able to admit that to him? Did she have the courage to tell him how she felt and risk rejection? Or would she chicken out because she knew that she was far from his type? She nodded firmly and answered herself, "One way to find out." Before she could talk herself out of it, she snatched her purse out of the passenger seat, got out of her car and hurried up to the door of Lee's building.