"What do you mean you can't?" She's hurt by my rejection, I can hear it. It hurts me, but we need to stop going in circles before it gets harder.
"I can't sleep with you again, look what happened every other time," I slump down on the chair in the corner.
"Finn," she whines slightly and I feel a tiny sizzle of irritation under my skin "I was confused-" she starts, but I cut her off.
"What's changed, Rey, are you suddenly not confused anymore? I still am," it isn't like me to become aggravated and I don't like myself when I become bitter, but I can feel it rising in me now.
"Of course I'm still confused, but I know you make me happy and I don't care about what Luke says; I want to be happy," she walks over to me and kneels down in front of the chair I am on.
"What does Luke say?" I ask still not looking at her.
"That I'm not allowed to have distractions," she brings her hands into my cheeks and lifts my face up, but I keep my gaze on the floor, "That I have to be focused and keep my mind clear," she takes a breath, "look at me," she whispers and I do as she requests. Her eyes shine in the dim light from the lamp and I take deep breath as the wind begins to howl a bit louder through the window. "Finn, the only time my mind is clear is when I'm with you," I sigh, I want to believe her but I know that in the morning she will reject me again.
"Rey, you'll end up leaving when you get too confused. I can't do it again, and you shouldn't have to, I'm sorry." I can feel the way my heart sinks down and shatters at the same time when I look at Rey.
"No, I won't, please Finn..." I take her hands from my face and put them down by her sides, I kiss her forehead before standing up off the chair. Rey is on her feet at the same time but I turn away from her, about to make my way to the door. "Don't leave me," I immediately stop – I am taken back to when Rey had first come to see me in the infirmary. I had called those words to her in the fog of my dream - my shoulders slump down.
"You left me," I mumble, taking another step towards the door, but I am unable to reach it before she stands in front of it, blocking the exit. Everything inside me screams, and begs for me to stay with her, but I can't put myself through the hurt of losing her again. She looks frantic, and I wonder if this is how I looked at her when we stood on the tarmac before she flew away in the Falcon.
"I'm sorry, Finn..." I try to reach for the door handle but she swiftly grabs my hand. I don't quite understand what she is doing until she spreads her palm over the left side of her chest. I feel slightly weak, my mouth parts, my shoulders relax and I feel my stomach drop at her action. Her heart pounds against my hand, there is no rhythm to the beats; they are erratic and come in an abnormally quick succession. I look at our hands over her heart and in that moment. What am I doing? I ask myself, she is standing here begging me to stay, and I am going to just leave even when there is not a single part of me that wants to… I understand just how deeply she needs me, and I can't to do it. I can't leave her, not when I had done the exact same action to try and convince her to stay.
I wonder what her reasoning is: does she remember that I'd done it? Is she trying to make me feel how frightened her heart is? Or is it supposed to be more intimate than that.
"Rey," My apologetic murmur mixes with a sigh.
"Finn?" Her whimper sounds like a question, so I take her other hand and press it over my heart and wonder if she can feel how much it aches.
Without a word I lead her hand up my chest and rest it on my face; she looks utterly distraught, "Don't do it, don't leave," I don't think she understand this isn't a goodbye. I look at her lips as they quiver. Never once having someone so desperately wanting me to stay allows a feeling of belonging to arise and spread through my entire body. I slip my hand from Rey's chest and release Rey's hand that holds my face so delicately. "Finn, please," she murmurs, and that's when I notice it, the tears that are threatening to spill from her eyes and I can't take it any longer. I roughly grab her face and squeeze my eyes shut as I pull her towards me. I bend my head down enough that her lips collide perfectly with mine. I swallow her shocked gasp, and continue to try and remember what I had done the first time. But it doesn't seem to work because this is completely different. The first kiss was slow, full of exploration and tenderness. This one is the opposite: rushed, sloppy and passionate; trying to convey what I couldn't find the words to say. It isn't until Rey seems to relax into the kiss that I'm able to figure out what to do. She brings her other hand to my face caressing my cheeks before running her fingers into my hair. I do the same thing, slowly pulling the ribbons from her hair, letting it fall down her shoulders. I press one hand to the back of her head guiding her where I want her to go, tilting my head in the opposite direction. I feel a strong heat melt away the ache in my heart which is immediately replaced by my burning desire for her. I feel her sob slightly and our kiss becomes salty as her tears wet both of our lips. I continue to selfishly kiss her until she takes her hands from my hair and pushes against my shoulders.
Her eyes are glossy and her nose is red, her lips are plump. She takes a deep, staggered breath, I press my lips to her cheek as she steps to the side, the exit is free for me to walk through, and I do just that, closing the door softly behind me.