So a big thanks to all my reviewers, it's really nice to know that people look forward to this story as much as me…This chapter takes place right after Jake had left Nessie bedroom, it's her version of the "talk", as Jake is down stairs with Edward. Oh and please don't hate me too much at the end…it had to be done (avoids missiles). I would like to send this chapter with thanks for the great reviews to AliceofTwilight71 . That said let me know what you all think, reviews always make me work faster. Love to all. Tink. XX
REN POV
"Renesmee… just what did you think you were doing?" my mom murmured, looking into my eyes as I fought to avoid her gaze. Jake had left to speak with my father and I was more worried about him than I was about me.
"Nothing…hon-honestly" I stammered around the guilty flush which covered my face.
She raised an eyebrow, her lips twitching slightly as she fought to hold back a smile, "Nothing hmm? Then why did your Uncle Jasper suddenly grab your Aunt Alice and head for the nearest bedroom?"
I tried to suppress a little giggle at the thought, poor uncle Jasper, always so sensitive to the emotions of others.
"Renesmee Carlie Cullen this is not a laughing matter" she scolded but then her face softened "…baby you have to be careful… you're not ready for that sort of relationship yet…you're still so young"
My face colored even deeper, I couldn't believe I was even thinking about discussing this with my mom, it was mortifying. "It's not like that mama…honestly"
She shot me a withering look "Please don't lie to me Renesmee…I could hear your heart racing from down stairs and your father could hear exactly what you were thinking loud and clear…I know you think you love Jake-"
"I do love him mom" I put in more angrily than I had intended.
"That may be Nessie… but you are still so young, too young to be thinking about having a relationship like that"
"I'm as old as you and Dad were when you met" I defended, frustrated that nobody was taking my feelings seriously.
"You are only seven years old…I'd lived a lot longer, grew up slowly…Nessie things are different for you…. you haven't had the same life experiences I'd had… you don't know what this means…your world is so small it only consists of this family, the pack and Jake…there is so much more for you to experience, so much more to do and see"
"The only reason I haven't had the same experiences as you and daddy is because you wouldn't let me go to high school… and as for not knowing what it means, I live in a house full of people who have a hard time keeping their hands to themselves… I would have to be blind and deaf to miss what this type of relationship is all about"
"I'm not just talking about sex, Nessie, you haven't thought this through…Jake has been through a lot lately and the last thing he needs is you trying to complicate matters…it's not fair to do that to him…he needs time to deal with himself and his own feelings before he has to deal with yours"
"He loves me too mom, I know he does…" there was a slight waver in my voice as I said this and I frowned. What if I was wrong? There had been the whole thing with him not liking to be touched, maybe I had forced him, maybe he hadn't wanted to touch me. Oh god, what if I had just made a complete idiot of myself?
"That may be true Nessie but he's been through so much…your father didn't want me to tell you this but...his dreams…the things they did to him Nessie, the things they made him do…he has a lot of healing to do…we're not saying no to a relationship between you and Jake… but we are saying just not now…give him time please Ness…don't rush into things"
"But I love him… I want to be with him...you know like you and daddy and Aunt Alice and Uncle Jasper" I confided in a whisper, my face surely scarlet now "He makes me feel amazing…when he looks at me, it's like there is no one else in the whole wide world apart from us… it's like he was made just for me…and I feel like I was made just for him"
"I Know baby… but he's not healed…if you love him Ness, you have to give him some space, don't invite things neither of you are ready for" she sounded almost frantic in her bid to keep me from acting on my feelings, usually she was so calm and laid back but this was different.
Tilting my head I stared at her, there was something missing, something she was leaving out, something she wasn't telling me.
"What aren't you telling me mom?" suspicion clouded my tone.
"Nothing Nessie" she said with a heavy sigh but I noticed she couldn't meet my eyes again, she was studying my bed spread as she plucked at it nervously," it's just your father and I are worried…I know how easy it is for things to get out of hand, for your feelings to run away with you"
"But I want them to get out of hand" I said and she laughed, ruffling my hair
"What?" I pouted, embarrassed yet slightly annoyed that she thought this funny. This was my life, my future, my happiness and she thought this was amusing?
"You remind me so much of me at your age… always pushing for more…I know how you feel baby, really I do, you have no idea… but you have to let these things develop in their own time…if you push him too far, too fast then you could end up pushing him away and you don't want that do you?"
I shook my head "It's just so hard…he makes me feel things, like I'm not in control of myself, like I just want to crawl inside him and be with him forever…like I could loose myself in him when he smiles at me or touches my hand"
My mom chuckled once more "Nessie, it's highly likely you are immortal…if this is meant then you will be with him forever… there is no rush baby… now can I have your word you will behave around him?"
I grinned; there was no way I was going to promise her that, now that I had an idea he could feel the same. I was going to grab this chance and my Jake, with both hands.
"Renesmee…if you don't promise me this, then he will have to leave… if your father and I cannot trust you to behave, he has to go back to La Push"
My eyes widened and I felt a moment's panic, they couldn't send him away, not when I had just got him back "You wouldn't do that would you?"
"If we felt it was necessary yes…just give it time Nessie…don't be in such a hurry to grow up baby, he will still be there waiting for you when he is back to his normal self…will you give us your promise?"
Realizing I was trapped I nodded, knowing my father was probably listening and hearing my thoughts. I promised to try and be good and resist him but there was a large part of me that worried I couldn't. He was like a drug to me, my own personal brand of heroin. (couldn't resist it-sorry)
"Yes mama I will try…is Jake okay? Daddy won't hurt him will he?"
"No Nessie, he just wants to make it clear what we think…now why don't you hop on into the shower, we're all going over to Sam and Emily's to visit with the new baby"
I felt a burst of excitement, my cramps almost forgotten. I hadn't been to La Push for a while and I had missed seeing everyone, chances were if there was baby visiting to be done the rest of the pack would be there too.
"Okay Mama…I'm feeling a lot better anyway…Jake really helped" I confided with another blush.
"Yeah, I bet he did" she smiled and pulled back the blankets to let me out, before reaching over and hugging me close to her in a tight, urgent, squeeze. Wincing a little I hugged her back, surprised at the little tremor that moved through her.
"You know your father and I love you very much don't you?" she asked in a quiet voice.
"I love you more mama…but I love Jake too"
"I know you do sweetheart…we just want you to be safe that's all"
Safe? Was she implying that I wasn't safe around Jake? I opened my mouth to ask her but she pulled back from me and was already on her feet before I could speak.
"Go on now and get showered up…we're leaving in fifteen minutes"
"I'll be quick I promise…Mom will you do something for me?" I grinned shyly and followed her out of the door.
"Sure" she smiled with an inquiring look.
"Will you put your shield up for a little while…I have some thinking to do and I don't want Daddy to hear me…I have to sort some stuff out in my own mind, make sense of my feelings and it's gonna be pretty embarrassing" I stared at my feet, wondering if she knew I meant sex stuff, trying to make sense of what had just happened between us and the amazingly scary feelings that evoked.
She looked at me for a long second and then nodded "Okay…but no funny business Nessie…I mean it"
"I know…thanks Mama" I smiled and kissed her frozen cheeks, my heart feeling a lot lighter as I headed for the bathroom.
I was inside in seconds and locked the door after me before stripping off my clothes, and wrapping myself in a large fluffy towel. Smiling, I noticed the shower was already running. Mom must have turned it one for me, the room filling with fragrant steam. I breathed deeply, it smelt like Jake. He must have been in here before me. My stomach did a little flip flop at the thought he'd been in here recently, and most probably not wearing any clothes. A grin tugged at my mouth, hmm Jake, hmm no clothes, yum.
Approaching the stall, I fiddled trying to knot the towel around me. My heart stuttered to a stop as I realized that the shower wasn't as empty as I had thought. Heart in my mouth, I studied the hazy outline through the slightly frosted glass of the door. Jake was stood with his back to me, the russet of his skin gleaming in the light; as the water coursed along his body, giving me chance to appreciate just how beautiful he was. Yum was immediately forgotten; Jake was more, so much more than that.
The muscles in his back, shoulders and arms shifted and bunched as he soaped himself, his hands working across his jaw in an unfamiliar movement. I stared wondering what he was doing and then it hit me. He was shaving. I had never seen anyone shave except on tv, being vampires my family didn't need to do it.
My stomach clenched and a million butterflies took flight inside me, as he tipped back his head, to reach the underside of his jaw. It just seemed so intimate to be seeing him like this, totally unguarded and unaware of my presence without the barriers he had erected around himself since his return. He moved do gracefully for so big a man, his movements swift and sure, as he stroked the razor sharp blade along his skin.
Unable to help myself, my gaze dropped lower on his body following the progress of the soap as it slid down his perfect form. Fat, fluffy soap bubbles ran down his back, over his tautly sculpted buttocks, down the backs of his powerful thighs, to his muscled calves to pool around his big strong feet. My finger tingled with the urge to trace the path taken by the suds, to feel his slick wet skin under my shaking fingers.
I felt a warm flush spread over my body and I bit my lip in the attempt to stifle the moan in my mouth as he shifted in the shower, still very much unaware of my presence. Staring at his naked body I felt moved beyond words, this beautiful perfect man was going to be mine someday.
Everything about him appealed to me, as though he had been designed to my exacting specifications, from the gleaming pectoral muscles of his chest to the sharply angled edge of his hips bones. Christ those hips bones. He was just so magnificent that my mouth went dry.
I was more than familiar with to the angle of his hips, as I'd stared at them sneakily before but what lay between them was something entirely and beautifully new to me. Fascinated, I gazed at his body; it was unlike anything I had ever seen before. Pictures I had seen in biology books did not do justice to the perfection and beauty of the human male stood before me.
His hips were a shade lighter than the rest of his russet skin, the flesh smooth and hard and all male angles. The water trickled in rivulets over his chest, down to the rippling curves of his abdominal muscles, over the angles of his hips, into the midnight black downy hair below his naval. I wondered briefly what that hair would feel like under my fingers? Would it be as soft as it appeared?
My eyes widened as I took the powerful length of satin and steel between his legs, nestled amongst the darkly curling hair and my curiosity peaked as heat flushed my cheeks. Like I said, biology texts book did not do justice to this vision of Adonis in front of me. I bit back a strangled gasp as he turned towards me, his head lowered, reaching for his towel, giving me a full frontal view. My knees went weak, my vision blurred and I stuffed my knuckles in my mouth, crossing my legs against the ache between my thighs.
Jake POV
I groaned slightly enjoying the feel of the hot water pouring over my body, washing away the tenseness, the tears, the nightmare of Nessie's degradation and subsequent death. The hot water seemed to purify me but it could not take away the pain of my nightmares. There was only one cure for that and I had given my word that I would not pursue that cure until I knew we were all safe.
Edward was right. I couldn't give myself to her or expect her to give herself to me, when there was this situation hanging over us, I couldn't expose her to that kind of danger. Although, thinking of Nessie whilst I showered wasn't the best move I'd ever had. I could feel my blood beginning to pulse in that familiar way and toyed with the idea of releasing my frustration, of taking the matter in hand so to speak but I'd never much been one for self-gratification…until recently.
But there seemed something wrong about indulging in a little self-love and using Nessie as my inspiration after what I had just remembered. The images and sounds of her being defiled chased all sexual thoughts from my mind and my mood was somber again. I needed to phase, to run, to connect with my pack and make sense of what I had seen in my memories. I turned the water off and reached out of the stall to grab the towel I needed.
Suddenly a strangled gasp met my ears and I stilled instantly, the noise reaching me over the slowing water and my knees nearly buckled. Nessie. I could smell her in the air. My hands trembled as I slid the shower door open and slowly stuck my head around it, praying for self-control.
"Nessie…what the fuck are you doing in here?" I asked, taking in the sight of her wrapped in towel, her face flushed with heat as the scent of her arousal hit me like a battering ram. I was in deep shit, deep, fucking, shit.
"I, I… I wanted to take a sh- shower," she stuttered , her eyes fixed on my chest as she stepped very deliberately closer.
"Stay where you are" my voice came out harsher than I had meant and her eyes widened just a fraction as Edward's words came back to me. With a flick of my wrist I turned off the shower completely and wrapped the towel around my waist before steeping out slowly.
My heart began to thump double time; she looked so beautiful, so perfect, so alive, a tempting mix of innocence and allure. The vision of her lying dead before me receded to the back of my mind and my blood burned hotly within me.
"Why?" she pouted, pretending a confidence I knew she didn't feel. I could hear her heart racing from where I was; see the fine tremor in her body, the way she toyed with the knot on the towel, the way her fingers shook, the way she licked her lips unconsciously. She really would be the death of me.
"Because this is isn't right…you shouldn't be in here…I don't think of you like that" I lied, each word sticking in my throat.
For a second she faltered but then she stepped forward, my temperature skyrocketing as she fiddled again with the knot at her breasts holding the towel in place. Half of me prayed the towel would hold and the other half was praying it would puddle at her feet and reveal her beauty to me.
"I don't believe you…you love me" she said almost accusingly, but her tiny coral coated toes were curling into the floor and she seemed to have lost her earlier bravado.
"Yeah I love you Ness…but not like that" I growled, hating the look that crossed her face as she stared up at me her eyes wide.
"But what about earlier…in my room...you, you were going to kiss me I know you were, I know you felt it too" she said quietly her eyes beginning to fill with tears. I felt like the worlds biggest to bastard, not to mention to worst imprint for hurting her like this.
"I don't want you like that," I said gently, gritting my teeth against the lie.
"Why not? What's wrong with me? You looked like you wanted to kiss me…I wanted you to kiss me" she confessed hotly.
"Ness…I was just trying to make you feel better…I didn't want to hurt you by saying no…you're still just a little kid to me…I felt sorry for you, I was trying to make you feel better" I bit out, desperately trying to ignore the pain as her tears fell from her eyes, burning into my heart.
She shook her head, her curls bouncing and flying, the tears in her eyes magnifying the golden color as a little half cry escaped her lips.
"I can't believe you would do this to me Jake…I don't need your pity" she cried and span on her heel for the door. I could see the silent sobs shaking her frame as she struggled with the lock and door handle. My heart crumbled as I picked up on her strangled breathing and tears. Suddenly I was back in that cell but this Renesmee was real and hurting and it was within my power to take her pain away like I hadn't been able to in my memories.
"I'm sorry Ness, don't cry over my please…I'm not worth your tears" I murmured fighting a battle within myself to comfort her. The sound and salty tangy scent of her tears reached me in a way her naive seduction attempt could not. Cursing under my breath I started after her, crossing the space between us in only a heartbeat.
REN POV
Mortification flooded me as I stared at Jake, my eyes wide and brimming with tears
"Ness…I was just trying to make you feel better…I didn't want to hurt you by saying no, you're still just a little kid to me I felt sorry for you... I was trying to make you feel better" he said, his tone brusque and brief.
My heart crumbled, all my dreams turning to dust. I had been so certain that he felt the same as me and to hear he didn't, was so painful that for a few seconds I couldn't breathe. Suddenly I couldn't stand to be in the same room as him anymore and I bolted for the door, shuddering as I fought back sobs. I fumbled with the handle, tears close to the surface, my fingers shaking so badly that I couldn't maneuver them properly.
"I can't believe you would do this to me Jake…I don't need your pity" I sniffed as I tugged on the door handle, feeling as though I was going to be overcome with tears at any second.
"I'm sorry Ness, don't cry over my please…I'm not worth your tears" he said quietly, from across the room, his tone gentler this time, more even.
"I know that now! Just leave me alone…I can't believe I made such a fool of myself" I wailed, mortified beyond belief as I got the door open.
Suddenly two hands appeared over mine, slamming it closed again, the skin of my back burning with heat.
"Nessie, please, I can't stand to hear you crying...not over me" he said gently from behind me, his huge hands on the door keeping it closed. He sounded almost more pained than me and I realized it was the closeness thing again. Screwing my eyes shut for a second I was overcome with confusion, I was mortified to have thrown myself at Jake like that and after his rejection my first instinct was to run. But now he was here and so, so close to me, it made rational thinking impossible.
I glanced down and saw the muscles of his tautly corded forearms bunch into fists against the door at either side of my head. Unable to help myself I sucked in a deep shuddering; teary breaths as my stomach flip flopped. That didn't help matters any, a lungful of his delicious unique, sexy as all hell smell, clean from the shower smell, just served to exacerbate matters and my knees went a little weak from his closeness. I gulped audibly and felt the slight stirring of my hair as Jake puffed out a breath. Goose bumps broke out against my skin and my body tingled with electricity, everything in me springing to attention.
"Nessie" he breathed, and I could feel the heat radiating off his body "this is wrong…you're too young" he groaned but I could feel him nuzzle his face into my tangled curls and take a deep breath of his own. My knees threatened to buckle beneath me with the knowledge that he had not said he didn't want me again, just that I was too young.
"No…" I managed to gasp out as I shook my head "I'm all grown up Jake….and I… want you" I confessed shakily in a garbled rush, my face bright pink.
Behind me, Jake groaned, the sexiest sound I had ever heard in my life and suddenly he was against me, the weight of his chest pressing against my back, our bare skin touching for the first time.
"Don't say that Nessie…please" he pleaded, as he pressed me up against the door, his heart hammering in tandem with mine.
Feminine power blossomed inside me, along with need and want "But I do …you make me feel things…amazing, wonderful… scary things" I whispered, wishing he would let me go, not because he was crushing me with his weight but because I wanted to see his face, to see that look in his eye. Most of my embarrassment had fled in the face of my need, his need and I twisted slightly. Instantly the pressure behind me lifted and I felt bereft, glancing to my left and right, his arms were still in place, caging me in. I took a deep breath for courage and trying not to shake too badly I slowly turned to face him.
JAKE POV
I told myself I had only meant to see that she was okay, as she struggled with her tears and the door handle but as soon as I got close, I lost it. I was overwhelmed by the need to be close to her, my imprint, my mate.
"Nessie, please, I can't stand to hear you crying...not over me" I said to her, unable to deal with her pain with my memories so fresh in my mind. Bracing my hands against the door, caging her in, I only wanted to see that she was okay, to comfort her before she left. The urge to comfort her was more for my benefit than hers; I'd felt so powerless before, trapped in my memories that I wanted to do something now.
Then she tilted her head down and gulped…she actually gulped, her heart suddenly picked up speed and her breathing changed, growing deeper and quicker. I felt as though I had been punched in the solar plexus and huffed out a little breath of my own as my body tightened in response to Nessie's primitive action. She had smelled me, my scent had caused hers to go wild. Arousal filtered through my addled brain, Nessie's arousal and not for the first time today.
"Nessie this is wrong…you're too young" I groaned, fighting my own body's primitive instincts. I was always battling myself and beginning to grow tired of denying us both what we wanted, what we needed.
"No… I'm all grown up Jake…. and I… want you" she gasped out in a frantic garbled rush.
I closed my eyes for a second…aw… shit. She really was testing the limits of my control today. The memory of her abuse and death was still so fresh in my mind that if she asked carefully enough I would be able to deny her nothing, do anything to make her happy. I figured I would be safe so long as she didn't ask me directly to kiss her, to touch her. Anything else I could work around but a direct plea, I would be screwed. I groaned.
"Don't say that Nessie…please" I pleaded but couldn't help myself as I closed the scant distance between us and pressed her up against the door. My heart was hammering, my pulse pounding at the feel of her bare skin against mine. Worried I would crush her, I wanted to move again, but my feet would not let me.
"But I do …you make me feel things…amazing, wonderful… scary things" she whispered huskily and my knees nearly buckled. This beautiful, amazing, innocently perfect, woman child, wanted me. I made her feel things, amazing, wonderful, scary things. I wanted to howl at the moon, wanted to rejoice that I could give that to her but there was part of me that feared her feelings. Feared the not so unknown enemy that would be out there, waiting for me, waiting to make my nightmares come true.
She moved suddenly beneath me, twisting slightly and I jumped back as though burned. I didn't need her body adding to the tension of mine, her backside brushing my groin was enough to make me move. My arms still caged her in and I began to shake as she turned slowly towards me.
I gazed in wonder at the scarlet flags of embarrassment on her cheeks first, so vivid against the perfection of her pale skin, the self conscious twist of her lips, her teeth biting gently, the crescents of her eye lashes casting tiny shadows against her cheeks as she stared at her feet again, too scared to look me in the eye.
Telling myself I shouldn't but unable to stop, I reached out a hand and hooked it under her chin, tilting it gently, making her look at me. I knew she would be able to feel my fingers shaking but I didn't care. She gazed up at me, her teeth biting into her plump lip for a second before she released it and I saw the perfect little indentations she'd left behind. I wanted to soothe them with my tongue and I exhaled slowly, unsure what, if anything, my next move would be. Her tawny eyes were wide and limpid as she gazed back at me.
"Please, Jake, please" she implored breathily.
I had to be clear about this, had to give her an out and even though I knew I should be discouraging her, I was helpless against the will of my imprint, my mate. Edward's caution and warning to me forgotten in the face of our combined feelings.
"Please what?" I asked, noting the deep huskiness of my voice, my eyes trained on hers, noting every little flicker, every little nuance that crossed her face. I wanted to be sure, needed to be sure, if was going to do what I thought I was about to do. There could be misunderstandings or recriminations; we already had too much against us. Edward would kill me, slowly and painfully.
Slowly, so slowly she raised her shaking hand to my cheek "kiss me," she said inside me and an image of us wrapped in each other's arms appeared in my head. My heart thundered wildly and before I knew it my head was lowering to hers. Just a taste I promised myself, to see if she tasted as beautiful as she looked. My vow to Edward forgotten in the aftermath of my nightmare.
REN POV
I turned around slowly, staring at my feet, more scared than I had ever been in my life, unable to lift my head. I nearly came out of my skin as Jake cupped my chin so gently in his huge hot hand and tilted my face up to his, to find him staring at me as though I was the most fascinating thing he had ever seen. His fingers where they touched me shook and I was moved that he seemed almost as nervous as me. Jake was always so confidant, so capable, that the knowledge this affected him as much as me unnerved me somewhat and provoked a fresh bout of tears. This time of wonder and love.
The intensity on his face, the look in his eyes made me blush and heat burn brighter inside me. I wanted this, I wanted him, more than I had ever wanted or needed anything in my life. Feeling I would surely die without the touch of his lips against mine, I did the only thing I could think of in that moment. I pleaded.
"Please, Jake, Please" I hoped my voice wasn't shaking as badly as the rest of me.
"Please what?" he asked me, well more rumbled than asked, his voice came from deep inside him and the coil of need inside me grew a little tighter, burned a little brighter.
I couldn't bring myself to say the words, too afraid that he would reject me again at the last minute. Instead I communicated with him in the best way I knew how and lifted a shaking hand to his cheek. Concentrating on the way he made me feel I sent him an image of how I wanted us to be.
There we stood, staring at each other, our bodies only connected by our fingers. I watched as Jake's pupils dilated, until his eyes appeared a black as his hair and his head slowly lowered towards mine…………