November 3, 1996

Castiel shivered and fluffed his feathers to trap more warmth against his body. He sat in his customary place on the log at the river's edge, waiting for Dean and Sam to arrive. An inexplicable anxiety was making it difficult to wait patiently, however. He fiddled with the laces on his boots and tugged at the hair hanging down over his forehead – it was too long again. Usually he just hacked it off with his knife when it got long enough to bother him, but it was already so cold that he didn't want to cut it until spring. There was only a dusting of snow at the moment, but the edges of the river had already frozen, and he expected a bitterly cold winter.

He moved off the log, sitting instead with his back to it to shelter himself from the wind. Hopefully the Winchesters would arrive soon.

Not much later, he felt the brothers approaching, but he waited until they actually broke through the tree line before getting up.

"Hey, Castiel." Sam waved with a gloved hand. His nose and cheeks were already flushed red from the cold, despite the woolen toque on his head.

"Hello, Sam. Hello, Dean. Are you well?"

Dean lifted his chin in greeting, but his smile seemed forced. "Hey, Cas. Yeah, we're good."

The anxious feeling spiked in Castiel's chest. He tipped his head and studied Dean as he came closer. Nothing was obviously wrong – neither he nor Sam were injured – but nevertheless, Castiel felt that something was not right.

The boys picked their way through the rocks and deadfall down to the bank, and as soon as they were close enough, Castiel reached for the brothers' shoulders. "Shall we retreat somewhere warmer?"

But Dean flinched back from his hand and wouldn't meet his eyes. "Wait," he said.

"Dean?" Castiel drew his arms back under his wings. His brows pulled together in a frown – worry, guilt, and fear radiated off Dean in a thick aura. "What's the matter?"

Dean plucked at the fingertips of his gloves and kept his eyes down. Castiel's quick glance at Sam gave him no clues as to what was happening, and any emotions he might have read from him were drowned out by Dean's. When Dean remained silent, Sam gave his elbow a nudge.

"Um, I have something I need to tell you," Dean finally said, "and I don't think you're gonna like it."

The anxious feeling twisted like snakes in Castiel's midsection. "What is it?"

Dean seemed to be struggling to find the words. "Okay, so... You know how when I was little and you saved me from that pond?" His eyes flicked up to catch Castiel's for just an instant before dropping again. "You shouldn't have had to do that."

Looking again at Sam, then back to Dean, Castiel waited for any of this to start making sense.

"If I needed help, I was supposed to ask, but I forgot. I was little, and I was scared. Gabriel should have been the one to save me." He paused, then mumbled, "Our family's angel."

Castiel stared at Dean blankly. The guilt coming off him all but scalded Castiel's skin, yet a shiver made its way down his spine.

Dean looked up then, eyes pleading. "I'm sorry, Cas, I didn't mean for it to be a secret from you – it wasn't on purpose, I swear. My dad- He blamed Gabriel after my mom died and banished him from us. I haven't seen him since I was five years old, and I thought I'd never see him ever again."

The bitter cold crept in and settled in the marrow of Castiel's bones. "An angel."

Dean nodded.

"You have an angel?" Castiel spat.

"We did," Sam interjected. "But it was so long ago, I never even met him. That's why Dean never mentioned it."

"So why are you telling me now?"

Dean paled and dropped his gaze back to the rocks and snow at his feet. "Bobby and Joshua... think they can get Gabriel back."

Everything went very still. Even the icy water of the river seemed to run calm and quiet.

Castiel forced himself to ask, "Do you want him back?"

The guilt and fear thickened the air until Castiel nearly gagged on it.

Dean swallowed hard. "Yes."

Castiel closed his eyes. Heat flooded his cheeks and burned the backs of his eyes, even as his bones went brittle from the cold. His chest squeezed down until he could feel each beat of his heart crack against his ribs.

It felt like the deepest kind of betrayal. He'd thought Dean and Sam were his friends. He'd believed they felt the same, but he must have been wrong. They knew that if an angel were to catch him, it would mean his death, yet they wished to bring one into their lives. The angel bound to their guardian Bobby was old and easily avoided. But a second angel, a younger angel, would be far more dangerous. Deadly. And one bound to them? Castiel couldn't risk it.

"I see," he whispered, managing not to choke on the words.

Dean took a halting step toward him. "Cas, please understand. He was family to me, back before everything got bad. If they can break the banishment, then yes, I want him back."

Castiel nodded stiffly. "I understand."

"You do?" Dean's fear melted, and the hope and happiness that began to swell in its place cut Castiel like broken glass.

"I do. If this angel is so important to you, I understand why you would prefer to have him over me."

"What?" Dean yelped. "No!"

Sam piped up then, raising a hand. "Whoa, Cas, that's not what he means!"

Castiel turned his eyes to the younger Winchester. "Whether it was or not, that's still the result. I cannot be with you if you have an angel bound to you. It's too dangerous."

"But, Cas," Dean pleaded, taking another step and reaching out, "we can make it work, I swear."

"How, Dean?" Castiel snapped, jerking away from him. "With two angels around, one of whom is bound to your blood, how can I possibly escape notice?"

"Well... what if we explain it to them?" Dean suggested desperately. "What if we just tell them who you are, and then you won't need to hide anymore."

Castiel growled, his already fluffed feathers going spiky in his anger. "Do not forget how I came to be here, Dean. I was abducted, torn from my home by an angel who then killed my mother! I was nearly killed by another angel, and now you wish to reveal my existence to yet another angel?"

"Cas-"

"No!" Castiel bellowed and arched his wings in full display. His body shook, though not from the cold. "If you want your angel, then fine. Keep it. But leave me out of it."

With a mighty rush of his wings, Castiel took off from the river's edge, his thoughts and emotions spinning through his head. An angel. They had an angel! And they wanted it to stay. He gasped for air around the crushing pain in his chest.

Unable to maintain his wild flight, he landed without a thought to where he was.

A scream pierced the air the moment he appeared. He flinched, searching for the source.

"Diablo! Diablo!" A shrieking young woman in a bikini was scrambling away from him crab-style, making very little progress due to the loose sand of the beach where Castiel found himself. Limbs flailing, she managed to get to her feet and run.

Hot fear shot through him. People. There were people scattered all along the beach – lounging, walking dogs, playing in the sand – but now they were panicking, believing him to be a demon.

Something struck his shoulder from behind, and he was knocked to the ground. As he fell, he tucked into a roll to get some space between himself and his attacker. He found his feet again just in time to see a second angel joining the one who'd nearly tackled him.

"Muera, demonio," the second angel snarled, as the first angel lunged forward, brandishing its blade.

Castiel dodged, but his movements were sluggish. He avoided the blade, but only because the other angel was hindered by the sand as well. He aimed a kick at its knee as it went past, sending the angel to the ground with a howl. And with all his remaining strength, Castiel shoved past the second angel and launched himself into flight.

He flew harder and faster than he'd ever done before. When he was certain he wasn't being followed, he slowed, but didn't stop. The adrenaline coursing through his blood wouldn't let him.

Castiel flew until he couldn't anymore. He carefully checked his landing site to make sure it was clear before actually touching down in a thick copse of trees and collapsing, exhausted, at the base of an old live oak. His wings lay limp and trembling, sprawled out to his sides.

Careless. His distress had made him careless, and it had nearly cost him his life.

Leaning his head back against the mossy bark, Castiel closed his eyes and concentrated on catching his breath and calming the shaking in his limbs.

Eventually, his thoughts returned to Dean and Sam. Castiel had spent so many years alone and lonely, but back then it was simply his reality. He'd not known any other way to be. Now that he'd met Sam and Dean and experienced their friendship over the last few years, he wasn't sure he could bear to go back to a life of solitude.

But he had no choice. They'd chosen an angel over him, and much as they claimed they wanted both, it couldn't be that way. It was far too dangerous. Angels meant death, and Castiel didn't want to die.

Suddenly, he became aware of a feeling that wasn't his own – a desperate, aching longing that pulled and pulled at his heart.

Dean.

He clenched his jaw and tried to ignore it. Sooner or later, Dean would have his angel back and forget about Castiel. Eventually these feelings would stop.

Castiel just needed to wait it out.