They stood before each other, eyes locked in stunned silence. Carol's chest felt so tight it was hard to breathe. She realized then that she was in shock. Her eyes scanned Daryl's face a thousand times over. She had almost convinced herself that he was dead, that he was gone forever, so to see him standing there, alive and well, felt beyond unreal. She would have collapsed with relief if not for the paralyzing hold upon her.
The last thing she had expected to see when she threw those doors open was the scene unfolding on the stage. There was Ezekiel, holding back a growling tiger. Dwight, the man from the woods, lying flat on his back with a bloody face. And Rick, along with another man, wrestling with someone who Carol could not see.
She had heard his voice first, loud and enraged, and for one wild moment, she thought herself mad. And then she saw him. She watched him, unable to move or speak, as he trudged down the aisle towards her. He looked at her once, twice, then froze. Froze because it dawned on him. Froze because he saw her, too.
And there they were. From miles away to feet apart.
She had so many questions. What was he doing here? How did he find this place? Daryl was staring at her with the roundest eyes. He was breathing fast, his chest rising and falling, making no noise, no sound. Confusion was written on every plane of his face. He began to blink, and Carol could see the boy in him again; so lost and so vulnerable, that her heart ached to touch him. She wanted to reach to him, to hold him, but she couldn't. Her heart skipped a beat as she thought she saw the faintest of smiles ghost his face. And then it happened.
His breathing slowed. His wide eyes narrowed. He straightened himself, going very still. Carol could see it. Slowly, horribly, that confusion turned into hurt. Hurt turned into anger. And anger, at last, became indifference.
He took two steps towards her. His strong body inches from hers. He didn't speak. He didn't say a word. Carol stared at his face. There was no emotion behind his eyes anymore. No softness. No relief. Only apathy. The silence stretched between them. After what felt like an eternity, Daryl at last looked away. He shook his head, and walked past her. She could feel a slight breeze as he went. It sent shivers down her back and her eyes filled with tears. She remained there, frozen, even as she heard the auditorium door slam shut behind her.
Oh no.
She had told herself some time ago that if the others hated her, then so be it. She could understand. She even expected them to. But him?
No. Not him.
She had to remind herself that he was alive. That him being mad at her, hating her, was better than him being gone for good. There was still time to explain. To make him understand. She turned around. The double doors squealed open as she pushed them. She followed them out into the hallway, and found herself alone.
Carol looked around. The long, white hallway was empty and quiet. She turned right, taking the shorter end, and jumped at the sudden bang of a door. Carol felt her palms sweat and she swallowed. She was afraid. Afraid of what would happen next. She slowly made her way towards the banging sound and reached an exit door. When she opened it, she was outside. The roof inclined like a lean-to, and long stairs led to the back courtyard. The sun was hanging low in the sky now. It lit up like a flame, casting everything it touch in a bright, orangish glow.
She found Daryl with his back to her. He was leaning against the railing, head down, with his arms hanging loosely over the side. Carol took a hesitant step forward. Daryl was wearing clothes she had never seen on him before, she noticed. It reminded her of the man in the woods, with his crossbow and vest. It reminded her that something had happened, and she realized then just how ignorant she was of the world outside of the walls of the Kingdom. She wondered what horrible thing she would learn today.
Daryl's back rose from the railing. He stood up straight, staring ahead, then slowly turned to face her. He didn't speak. He didn't even blink. He just stared at her.
And he waited.
Carol's heart pounded in her chest. "I never meant to hurt you," she said. They stood about ten feet away from each other, but it felt more like a thousand. She cringed at how pathetic she sounded, how scared and cowardly she felt for wanting to turn and run away. But she owed him the truth. He deserved to know that much, at least. "I couldn't be there anymore," she confessed. "If we were ever attacked again, like with the Wolves... if people came and wanted to hurt us, wanted to hurt you... then I would have to kill them. I was done with it. I had reached my limit. I just couldn't do it anymore. And if I couldn't kill, not even to protect the ones I love, then what good was I to anyone? I was a liability. I just would have put you all in harm's way."
Carol stared down at her feet, blinking away the sting in her eyes. When she looked back up again, daring a glance, Daryl's face remained the same. Expressionless. Emotionless. Only his eyes showed the storm brewing beneath the surface.
"Do you think it was easy for me?" she said. "To leave everyone behind? I have so much blood on my hands. Everything was adding up. I was beginning to regret it, all the lives I had to take. And it was killing me. You wouldn't know it, though... no, not you. You don't know what it's like to have to live with yourself."
"I don't, huh?"
Carol felt a pull at her heart. Daryl was shaking now. It was the first thing he had said to her since they found each other, and the pain in his voice was so visceral, Carol had to take a step back. "You think I don't know what that's like? To have someone die because of you?"
"That's not what I said..."
"Then what is it?!" Daryl moved one step forward, his eyes blazing. "We've all done shit we ain't proud of, all of us! That don't give you an excuse to run away!"
"You don't know half of what I've done." Carol felt a fire burn inside her now. He wasn't going to trivialize this. Make her feel foolish and over dramatic.
"You've killed people and I've killed people," he said. "But what about the lives you've saved in the process? You slaughtered Terminus for us! Do you regret that, too?"
"No, I..." Carol swallowed back the hard lump in her throat. She felt as though she had been slapped in the face. "How could you say that?"
"I'm just trying to get my facts straight," he said. "You're the one who said you wouldn't kill again, not even to protect the ones you love. I would kill a thousand people for you!"
"I would never want you to do that!" This was going wrong. So very wrong. One of them was bound to say something they would regret and she didn't know how to stop it. Daryl began to pace, staring down at the floor.
"I would," he choked out. "You know I would..."
Carol ran her hands over her face. "There's just so much you don't understand," she whispered. Daryl looked up. "Understand?" he stared at her, indignant. "You telling me that I don't understand?"
"Daryl..."
"You don't have any idea what we've been through! What happened to us, what happened to..!"
Daryl froze. His face turned pale as death as he backed away, his eyes becoming bright and large. Carol could hear his ragged breath, the short, quick gasps of air as he faced the floor again. Something dropped in her stomach then. Something heavy and large that left a hollow emptiness in its place. Cold fear consumed her heart. What happened? she wondered in silence, and tears began to flow from her eyes. She watched as Daryl shook his head again, as though the pain of it tore him up inside. He looked at her.
"Glenn's dead," he whispered.
Everything seemed to fall away from her. Carol's hands rose to her chest, to her neck, and then to her mouth. No. It wasn't true. But all she had to do was look at Daryl's face. She had never seen him look so distraught, so broken, in all the years she had known him. "How?" was all she could manage.
"Negan," he croaked. "He did it. He's real." Daryl's face grimaced in rage as he stared away from her. "I was locked up in that van with Glenn," he began. "With Michonne, and Rosita... and they dragged us out and put us on our knees. There was Rick, and Carl, and Maggie... Maggie was sick. They needed to get her to a doctor, to the Hilltop... because that son of a bitch killed ours..!" Daryl balled his hands into fists, steadying his voice. "They had us all lined up. And he pulled Glenn out. He had this baseball bat... wrapped in barbed wire..."
"No..."
"He stood over him. Like he'd done it a hundred times before. And he beat him to death with it."
"Stop—"
"He crushed his skull in, and he laughed. They all laughed..."
"Please no, stop!"
Carol kept the bile down as she hunched over on her knees. The world began to spin, but she fought the urge to crumble. She thought of Maggie. Thought of all the people she had lost and how on earth she would come back from this. She thought of the baby, and how it would grow up never knowing its father. She thought of Carl and Judith. Of what would become of them if anything should happen to Rick. She thought of Daryl and what he had seen. She looked at him and he was trembling.
"He was right there..." Daryl sobbed. "Right in front of me. And I couldn't help him. I couldn't... I couldn't stop it..."
Carol reached a hand to him, to touch him, but he pulled away. "No," he whimpered. "No, you don't get to do that! You don't get to just... just run off and take the easy way out! You say you have blood on your hands? So do I! Denise, Glenn... but I ain't gonna walk away and leave in the dead of night, abandoning everyone and everything that's still worth a damn to me!"
"I did what I did to protect you, to protect all of you!"
"NO, YOU RAN AWAY! If you didn't wanna fight, you should've said something! It didn't have to come to this. You could've told us! You could've told ME!"
"You don't get it at all, do you?!" Carol yelled. "To sit by the wayside, to not fight— No one can do that now! I would kill every last man or woman who'd ever try to hurt us, and I've done that, time after time again! I've killed so many people! And it was destroying me, tearing me down from the inside out! I killed Karen and David!" Carol's voice rang out like an echo as her chest rose and fell with each breath. For the very first time, she had spoken their names to him. "And for what?" she said. "For being sick? That was only the beginning. Have you ever had to kill a child?"
Daryl stared back at her, stunned. His face went pale again. Carol nodded. "I have," she whispered. "Not a walker, but a living, breathing child. You don't know what that's like... what that does to you. To your soul. You think I'm a monster, don't you? I can see it. The look in your eyes says it all."
"I've never thought that about you," he said. "That don't change now."
"Of course it does," she spat. "Don't you dare tell me you didn't notice what I had become. You're observant. You know. Or maybe you didn't want to know. I'm not the only one who kept their distance. You could've tried harder with me. You could've done more to help!"
"I gave you space," Daryl shot back. "Ain't that what you wanted?"
"I don't know what I want anymore. Except for you to stop thinking this is all about you, that I would purposely do what I did to hurt you, to hurt the others!"
"How do you want me to think?! Like I'm glad you turned your back on us?!"
"I left for you, not because of you! How many times do I have to explain that before you finally get it?!"
"Just tell me this," Daryl sneered, getting up close. "After a while, once you got comfortable, would you have checked in on us? Would you have given us any thought? If we all died, would you know? Would you even care?"
"Go to hell for saying that," Carol snarled.
"'Cause the way I see it, you don't give a shit about us!"
Daryl's face shot to the side as Carol's hand slapped across it.
A heavy, palpable silence fell over the pair as each stared back at each other. Carol's wide eyes sparkled with anger and rage, catching the light of the setting sun. Daryl went very still. His own eyes grew narrow again, stoic and cold and void of emotion. He looked at her, and when he spoke next, his voice was even and low. "Is that how you want to end it?" he asked, and when she gave him no response, Daryl nodded. "I hope you like it here," he said, and he stalked passed her, back through the exit door.
Carol stood shaking from head to foot. As the door finally closed shut and she was truly alone, she bent her head and wept into her hands.
A/N: That was rough. I apologize for taking so long to update, but I promise, promise, promise to end this with a happy ending. You have my word! Thank you all again for reading and for hanging in there with me.