When Rick had found her, alone and crying and inconsolable, they had embraced each other like the old friends they were. He had been shocked to see her there, just as she had been when she had opened those auditorium doors and found them all standing on the stage. Through her tears and sobs, she told him everything that had happened. From the moment she had left Alexandria, to the fight she had with Daryl. Rick in return told her everything else. He told her about Daryl going after Dwight, how he got shot and captured, the Saviors ambushing them on the road, and finally to the moment they met Negan. He filled her in on all that had since occurred in Alexandria, and why they had come to the Kingdom in the first place.
So much had happened in such a short amount of time. So much pain and destruction. They left together and found their way to the cafeteria, where Ezekiel had welcomed them all to dinner. Morgan eventually met up with them, and he, Carol, Rick and Jesus sat together, eating their meal away from the others, at the furthest end of the table.
Daryl was no where to be found.
As they sat and quietly ate, no one brought him up in conversation. Carol was grateful for that. She didn't eat much, just stirred the food around, too tired and spent to add to the discussion. It seemed that Jesus and Rick were debating the events that had happened only hours beforehand.
"Do you think we can trust Dwight?" Rick asked, as Jesus sighed into his soup. "Ezekiel seems to," Jesus responded, nodding slightly.
"I don't know," Rick said, shaking his head. "After all that he's done... maybe he's lying, maybe he's not, but I don't feel comfortable with him back out there with Negan and his men."
"I don't know much about the guy," Jesus admitted, "but it seems to me that he has more reason to be on our side than he does on theirs. I don't think he was bullshitting us. I think he was telling the truth."
Rick didn't respond but took a bite out of his roll, thinking. Morgan spoke next. "Are you going back tomorrow?"
Carol looked over at Rick as he answered. "We are," he said. "We've got a lot of work to do. Are you coming home with us, or are you staying?" Carol avoided Morgan's eyes. She knew he was looking at her.
"I want to," Morgan said. "I guess that depends, though." Carol did her best not to sneer. Depends on what? she thought, angrily. On me? If you want to go, then go. No one's stopping you.
"What do we do about Daryl?" Jesus said, and Carol's heart sank. She had hoped they could have avoided him all together, but it appeared that he was the elephant in the room.
"I'll talk to him," Rick said, and that was it. The table grew quiet again. No one seemed to have much of an appetite anymore. "Jesus, Morgan," Rick said slowly, awkwardly. "If you all don't mind... I would appreciate it if I could just sit with Carol for a moment. We still have a lot of catching up to do."
Jesus and Morgan looked at each other, then at Carol, and nodded. "Sure thing," said Jesus, and they both rose from their seats, taking up their trays. "I hear you're good at Aikido," Carol heard the bearded man say to Morgan. "Maybe you can show me some moves?" Morgan chuckled, and the two walked away, leaving Carol and Rick alone again.
Carol waited for Rick to speak. She had a feeling what he was going to say, and she just wanted to get it over with. "You gonna eat that?" Rick said suddenly, pointing to Carol's roll. Carol blinked. "Help yourself," she said, handing it over.
"Thanks." Rick took it, breaking the roll apart and spreading it around in his bowl picking up the remaining soup. After a few moments of chewing, Rick looked at her and sighed. "I have to ask, Carol," he said, softly. "Are you coming back with us?"
"I don't know."
Only hours ago, she was hellbent on getting home. But after her fight with Daryl... after all the hurtful things that had been said... Carol closed her eyes. If the one person you cared about the most didn't want you back, if you had hurt them too much to earn their forgiveness... then what was the point? Rick seemed to have read her mind.
"You didn't see the way Daryl was after," he said, gently. "Back at the Hilltop, when he was laid up in that bed, and I told him you were gone... he was ready to move mountains just to get you back. He was gonna go after you and find you. That's what he said. He loves you, Carol. We all do, but with him... I don't know, with him, it's just... it's always been different."
Carol's heart swelled with warmth that quickly deflated with guilt. "If I go to him now, I'll just make things worse," she said, defeatedly.
"Then don't," said Rick. "You don't have to go to him. He'll come to you."
Carol looked at him with a quiet desperation. Rick pulled her in, hugging her tightly before letting her go. As he did, Carol got up from her seat, wiping her hand across her face. She bid him good night, and started to leave, just as Rick called out to her.
"Tomorrow when we head out... will you stop to say goodbye? To me, at least?"
Carol could only manage a nod before she turned and walked away.
The night sky was littered with bright, blinking stars. Carol pulled her sweater close to her as she looked up at them, watching them. She realized now why the greenhouse was Ezekiel's favorite spot. It was peaceful up there, alone with the plants and vegetables. It was a good place to think and be quiet. While the greenhouse might have been Ezekiel's place of solace, the balcony outside it was hers. She could stare all night into the sky, never once growing bored of the endless constellations.
Her body felt tired and ready for rest, but she just couldn't pull herself away from there. Going back down meant facing the truth. That in some way, she had failed her friends. The news of Glenn's death had sent shock waves through her. It didn't seem real, like he wasn't truly gone, and she felt ashamed of herself for almost doubting it. She was angry. She was heartbroken. But most of all, she was sorry.
She had never wanted to hurt Daryl like this. She had never wanted it to end this way. If this was it, if their friendship was truly over, then she would only have herself to blame. Nothing she could say or do could ever make things right between them. He would be leaving tomorrow... he and Rick, back to Alexandria, back to war, and she didn't know if she would ever see him again. She didn't want to give up, but she was tired. She had no idea how to make him listen, how to make him understand, and she felt so alone that she wanted nothing more than to curl up and disappear. She would stay at the Kingdom, and she would do what? This place wasn't her home. But Alexandria wasn't her home either. She had no more home to go to.
A gust of breeze picked up making the glass walls behind her clatter. She folded her arms close together, trying to keep warm, when she heard the sound of heavy footsteps. Carol tensed, feeling her throat go dry as she turned around. She knew it was him even before she saw him. Daryl was standing in the shadows, silently closing the door behind him, finding her place there by the parapet. When he moved closer, and his face came into the star light, Carol could see the hesitance in his eyes. He seemed nervous. Unsure. He stopped a few feet before her. He dropped his head, staring at the ground, then looked into her eyes. Just as before, he didn't speak. All he could do was stare at her.
If this was her last moment with him, then she would not hold back. She would not hide from him any longer.
"I know you're mad at me," Carol began, breaking the silence between them. "You have every right to be. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, for Maggie... I'm sorry for everything." Carol brought her hands to her face, choking back a sob. She sniffed loudly, looking up, blinking away the tears in her eyes. "We all try to do what we think is right and it always backfires!" she said, fiercely this time. "You wanted to avenge Denise. You wanted to right the wrongs you thought you caused. I wanted the same thing. I was the cause of so much wrong. So I wanted to rid myself from it. I was turning into something I wasn't. I was destined for Hell and I wasn't going to drag you down with me." Carol turned from the parapet to face him fully. He was standing so still.
"What happened to Glenn... that wasn't your fault," she said. "And what happened to Lizzie wasn't mine. I never told you about that. About what happened to the girls. I never told you about Karen and David. Not properly, at least. There's a lot I never told you about. But that's because I couldn't burden you with what I had done. Or maybe because I couldn't face it myself." Carol's breath shook. She looked up towards the stars and sighed.
"I miss the prison sometimes. How surprisingly simple things were back then. How small the world still was for us. We were all needed in some way. I remember all those kids brought in from Woodbury. They were so innocent. Weak. So I started training them on how to use knives. How to fight with them. I didn't want anyone to know because I didn't want anyone to stop me. It was the right thing to do. Lizzie and Mika were good students. I thought if anything should happen, then at least they could protect themselves. And then Patrick got sick... and the cellblock massacre happened... and we were faced with something none of us were prepared for. Karen and David... when they got sick, I knew the disease was spreading. And I was scared. I was scared of losing everything we worked so hard to accomplish. No one was moving quick enough. No one was making the hard calls. I had to stop it. So I took matters into my own hands. And I killed them."
Carol felt surprisingly numb as she told Daryl the story. When she looked at him, his face was calm. The sadness in his eyes was all she could see.
"As soon as I plunged that knife in, I knew I had made a mistake," Carol continued. "I was wrong. I couldn't stop it. But it was too late. I had to finish what I started, there was no going back. And then Glenn got sick... and I ask myself everyday could I have done the same to him? He got better. He survived. Could Karen and David have, too? I don't know. But I think about Hershel, and how he spent his final days helping people. He saved so many lives. He saved Glenn, he saved Sasha... and he died. He died and I lived. How incredibly unfair..." Carol sniffed, wiping her eyes. "When Rick drove me out, and he told me no one would want me back after what I'd done, I believed him. And all I could think about was who was going to take care of Lizzie and Mika? I didn't know... I didn't know then just how sick that child was..." Carol could feel the build up now. Like a tea pot ready to boil. She took a steadying breath.
"I found them. The girls, Tyreese, Judith. I saw the smoke, I had to go back... but the prison was gone. Tyreese didn't know. He didn't know what I had done, that I had killed Karen. We found a pecan grove. I truly believed that I could start over. I was stupid enough to think I could make it work. I had the girls, Tyreese was there, and it was nice. But it was a lie. Lizzie was confused. The world had disturbed her mind. She thought the Walkers were her friends. That they were still people, only different. She wanted to show us. And when I saw Mika's little body... cold and lifeless on the ground... and Lizzie was holding the knife, still covered in her sister's blood, smiling at me and telling me not to worry, that Mika would come back..."
Daryl's eyes went wide. He stood there, still as stone, as the moon light exposed his pale face. Carol stared at him.
"She was going to do the same to Judith. I did the only thing I could do. I made it quick. Painless. And it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. She was just a child. Only a child. But if I hadn't done it, Judith would be gone. To save her life, I had to take another. I don't regret that. I gave Tyreese my gun. I told him I killed Karen. And I was ready for it to end. I told him to do what he had to do. And he forgave me. I don't know if I could've done the same."
"Then at Terminus, what we thought was a safe haven was a trap set out for us. When I found your crossbow in that storage room, all I wanted was to bring it back to you. And standing in those woods, seeing you all alive, that would have been enough. But then you saw me. And you were the first to welcome me back. You were always the first. You were my first friend in this world. You were the first one to see me. Just as I was the first to see you. We saw ourselves in each other. We made each other better. You've taught me so much... how to brave, how to be strong... but after everything that happened, after all the lives I took, how could you forgive me when I couldn't forgive myself? So I kept it all inside, letting it fester, and all the good things I've done, all the lives I saved, none of that mattered anymore because the guilt was all I could feel. It was all I knew. It was only until now before I could finally let it go."
Carol pressed on, watching as Daryl's hands trembled.
"I had a long time to think about it, everything I've done, both good and bad, and I realized something... I do want to start over. I thought the Kingdom was a good place to start, but... nothing here gives me purpose. My family, my friends, the people I love... they do." Carol took a step forward. "You do," she whispered. "I think I've known that for a while now. And maybe it's too late. I've screwed things up. I pushed you away, and the others away; I pushed everyone away because I hated myself and what I had become. I hit my bottom. I was lost and I didn't think I could ever come back. That's why I left. I couldn't protect you anymore. I didn't think I had any other choice. Can't you understand that?"
Daryl was motionless. Frozen. His eyes reflected the stars, bright and burning. Carol watched him. He was quiet, so very quiet, and it was torturous. She felt a sudden wave of dread wash over her. She had told him everything. Everything she could. What more did he want? What more could she give? What was he waiting for?
"Aren't you going to say something?" she said. "Yell at me, scream at me, anything? Jesus, Daryl— please. Just say something!"
But she should have known better. She should have realized. Even then, as he stared at her as though looking away meant she would disappear forever. Daryl Dixon was not a man of words.
But action.
In three strides he bridged the gap. Her breath hitched as he cupped her face into his hands and kissed her where she stood.
It was fierce. And powerful. Full of unspoken words and emotions. Carol felt the world dissolve away around her. All that remained was this man. This man who had been her friend, her confidant, her soulmate in every sense of the word. She felt dizzy. Dazed. As though if he were to let her go, she would suddenly float away.
The kiss broke and he stared at her, wide eyed and panting. He seemed just as shocked and surprised by his actions as she was. Their eyes met, and he pulled her into him, resting her head in the crook of his neck.
"All that you've done," he whispered. "It's kept you alive. We've lost so much, Carol. And I can't lose you, too."
It took her that moment to realize it, but it was the first time she had ever heard him say her name to her. And that was it. The floodgates opened, and all the hurt, the pain, the guilt, the fear— all of it came out of her as she broke down in his arms, gripping his shoulders, his back, pulling him close to her and never wanting to let go. She cried tears of joy, she cried tears of sorrow. She cried for him, she cried for herself. She cried for Glenn, for Hershel, for Tyreese. For Lizzie, for Mika. For Sophia. She cried for everyone she's ever loved, for everyone she's lost, and he let her, never once wavering, never once shrinking back. He cried with her, silent and shaking, for she could feel the tears on her neck, and she stroked his hair, bringing him closer. Nothing in the world seemed to matter to them, then. There, on that balcony, underneath the moon and stars, they were the last two people on earth. And they would stay in each other's arms for a very long time.
Lanterns from the greenhouse were lit around them, as dark clouds billowed in the night sky. Neither of them knew how late it was. They were sitting on the balcony floor, shoulder to shoulder, with their backs pressed up against the glass walls. Daryl had his arms resting on his knees as Carol leaned into him, yawning. The silence between them now was comforting. Soothing. Carol was close to falling asleep until Daryl spoke up.
"So what's with the tiger?"
Carol chuckled, sleepily. "Ezekiel raised her since she was born. He used to be a zookeeper, you know."
"Weird," said Daryl, simply. He looked towards her then, his voice soft and low. "Do you trust him?"
"Yeah," said Carol. "I do."
"Seems confident, I guess," Daryl mumbled. "Wish he didn't put his faith in the wrong people, though."
"You mean Dwight?"
Daryl didn't respond but looked solemnly at his knees.
"When I saw him in those woods," Carol said, "wearing your vest, holding your crossbow... I wanted to kill him. But then he killed that spy, the one who was working for the Saviors, and a part of me couldn't help but think, why? Why would he do that? Especially if they were on the same side. Maybe he means it. Maybe he does want to help us. He's done bad things. I don't forgive him for what he did to you, what he put you through, but you must have seen something in him the first time around if you offered out your hand to him. You have good instincts, Daryl. You see people. What was it that you saw in him?"
Daryl took a moment to answer. "Just some scared asshole trying to help his friends."
"And maybe he still is."
"I dunno..." Daryl sighed heavily. He leaned back against the glass, blinking up into the sky. "After what he's done... I can't trust him again."
Carol stared at him, sadly. "Do you remember what I said to you the last time we saw each other? We were burying Denise, and I said you were right. That you should have killed Dwight when you had the chance. I never should have said that to you."
Daryl looked at her, confused.
"You were already beating yourself up for it, and I didn't help things," she explained. "And then later that night... that was the night I left. I'm so sorry."
"We never should have brought you or Maggie to that Savior's compound," Daryl muttered. "That was stupid. When they took you, I..." Daryl sighed, shaking his head. "You told me they didn't do nothing, but I knew something happened. You weren't the same after. Even before that, you hadn't been yourself. You were hurting for so long, all that time, and no one saw it. Not me, not no one. I should've seen it. I should've been there for you."
Carol's voice was thick with emotion. "I pushed you away," she whispered. "I didn't make it easy."
"Then I should've pushed you back."
Carol stared at him, her eyes shining with tears. "So," she sniffed, wiping her face. "What happens now?"
"I don't know," he said. "I guess that's up to you. If you stay here, you'll be safe. At least for a while. If you come back with us, you won't be. I just want what's best for you, is all."
"It's my choice," Carol said.
"It's always been."
Carol looked straight ahead, a small smile gracing her lips. "When you and Rick leave tomorrow," she said, "I'm coming home with you."
She looked at Daryl, and his eyes were full and bright. "You won't have to fight," he said. "We'll... we'll think of something."
"I might have to," she said.
"No. That ain't fair to you."
"War's not fair, Daryl. Nothing about this life is. It's like you said. It's not safe back home. But there's no place else I'd rather be. I belong with my family."
"If you kill again," he said, "what's that gonna do to you?"
"I don't know," she admitted. "Sometimes you have to kill. And sometimes you don't. That's what Morgan said. Maybe there's some truth to that. All I know is, if it comes down to it, if it's your life or theirs and I have to choose... I choose you. Every time."
"Don't ever think you have to go through it alone," he said. "The pain, the hurt— don't put that on yourself. We carry it together. It won't be easy, but we've got each other. That's all that matters to me, now."
Carol smiled at him, softly. He looked at her with those eyes she knew so well. The air around them suddenly became very warm. She reached a hand out, brushing the hair away from his face. She wanted to try something.
Slowly, cautiously, she leaned into him. She could feel his body tense up, but he didn't pull back. She kissed him, and he returned it, soft and sweet. They would have to work on this. Start out slow, take their time. This was still all so new to them, whatever 'this' was. When they broke apart, Daryl was breathing hard, and Carol could see even in the darkness how crimson his face had turned. The fact that he, only some time ago, had kissed her more passionately than anyone has ever done so before in her life, could still somehow be so shy and nervous around her, made her heart burst with affection.
Daryl was doing his best to keep his voice even.
"We, um," he swallowed. "We should get some sleep."
"My room or yours?"
Daryl looked at her, horror struck.
Carol snorted, then began to laugh, as she smiled at him, teasingly. "I can't help myself," she chuckled. Daryl ducked his head, grinning slightly as the color returned to his face.
"Stop," he said, and Carol laughed some more.