Okay folks, here it is…this one is pretty long winded and full of dialogue but I think it needed to happen…sorry about the epic update fail but to make up for it I promise the next chapter is juicy and coming up very soon…thanks to all those who have been leaving me reviews and if you haven't yet, think of it as a very cheap Christmas prezzie …love to all. Tink. Xx
I watched fascinated as Jake's face shuttered, his expression going blank. But his eyes were different; he couldn't hide them from me. He couldn't stop me from seeing, from knowing. They fixed on mine. I could see the shock and torment laid out there for me to see.
"Why would you ask me that…what's Leah being saying to you?"
His entire body tensed beneath me and he shifted as though to stand up. If he did that I would have to get off him, to move away from him. I knew what he was up to, already I could feel him withdrawing from me. Putting a physical distance between us would just increase that. My stomach churned uncomfortably, knowing what was coming.
Looping my arms around his neck I determinedly snuggled closer, not giving him the chance to push me away. If he wanted me off him, he would have to dump me on the floor. And I knew he would never do that to me, not my Jake, not now.
"Nothing, she told me to ask you" I sighed "Said something about her not being the right one to tell me"
"Where did you even hear about imprinting?" his words were laced with frustration and if I wasn't mistaken, amazement.
"I've heard it loads over the years but nobody would ever tell me what it means…it's a wolf thing right?" I looked up at him, willing him to answer me, to trust me with whatever this secret was, however bad it may be.
"Yeah" he replied cautiously, avoiding my eyes now.
"And Leah said" I sucked in a nervous breath "Leah said I'm an imprint"
"Fucking Leah needs to learn to keep her mouth shut"
"Hey!" I smacked him lightly on the arm, "Leah has given up a lot to help us…don't talk about her like that…anyway I think it kinda slipped out"
Jake didn't look convinced and I watched as a muscle worked in his jaw, he was pissed.
"What is it with these Clearwaters and their inability to keep their snouts out of my business" he muttered to himself.
"Jake…please tell me…I've been going crazy thinking all sorts of things since she mentioned it…is it something bad, something I should be worried about?"
Beneath her calm demeanor I heard the undertone of panic. You see this was why I didn't want anyone talking to her about imprinting until I was sure I was ready to do it; was sure that she wouldn't run screaming from me. But fuck it, she was already scared and confused.
Unable to stop myself I stroked one of the arms wound around my neck gently, reassuring her, pleased when the flesh beneath my fingers puckered into goose bumps.
"No honey it's nothing to worry about, it's nothing bad…it's actually kinda wonderful" I murmured against her hair, inhaling her sweet, sweet scent.
"Then why will no one tell me? I'm not a child anymore Jake, hasn't these last few weeks proved it…I need to know"
She was forcing my hand but I couldn't deny her simply because I was afraid that she would look at our relationship differently. I didn't want to face the reality that she may reconsider her feelings and leave me, taking my soul with her.
Despite the fact I thought I knew how she felt about me, there was still a part of me who felt like a teenager with his first crush. A part of me which couldn't believe anyone as unique and beautiful and as special as Nessie would want me. Sometimes I was still a stupid injun boy from the rez and there was always the chance she would realize she didn't want me anymore and leave me. But looking into her beautiful eyes I had to believe that she saw me, that she loved me, regardless of our differences, regardless that she was so much better than me.
"You know the legends of our tribe? You've heard the stories? Well something we don't talk about is Imprinting…Imprinting is the way some of our pack have found their mates, their soul mates, their other halves…nobody really knows why it happens to some and not to others it just does…maybe it's based on the best genetic match, maybe it's who can survive, another form of natural selection or maybe it's just who's the best looking" I attempted a lame joke, which fell flat as Nessie stared at me dumbly "I don't know why but it happens…and it happened to me"
I dared a glance down at her, wishing she would open her connection so I knew what she was thinking. Did she realize I meant her, did she understand that I had imprinted with her? My eyes were drawn to her bottom lip, which she nibbled, on, a sign she was worried. Inside I felt my gut twist painfully in silent response to her suffering.
"When?" she breathed her eyes glittering "When did it happen to you?"
This was is, I had to tell her. Closing my eyes for fear of what I would see in hers, I took a deep breath and murmured "The second I looked into your eyes…and then again when I saw you for the first time after I came home"
She was frozen, still in the circle of my arms and after a few seconds I became aware she wasn't even breathing. My eyes popped open.
"Nessie? Are you okay?"
She scrunched up her nose as she frowned in concentration and she spoke slowly "So you imprinted on me when I was a baby?"
"Yeah" it came out like a strangled noise.
"You knew I was your soul mate even as a newborn?" I was sure I could hear the censure in her words and hoped I wasn't going to hear repulsion in her next.
"Yes, no…it wasn't like you seem to think…when you Imprint you become what that person needs most, because you were a baby it was more of parental bond-"
"I have two parents, thanks Jake" she bit off and I knew this wasn't going well.
"No, Nessie" I groaned and dug my hands through my hair, wanting to growl "Maybe that was the wrong word….when you were a child, you were like a favorite baby sister, I loved you and was so, so proud of you my Ness…and even as you grew I still saw you as a kid but more a friend, a best friend…but then everything changed"
I stopped, not wanting to talk about that time, unable to bring myself to discuss with her what had happened to me, what I had gone through.
"Do you remember before I left, we fought…things were changing between us…you were growing up" I carried on, even as fear curled in my gut.
I watched her eyes take on a hazy look slightly unfocused, she was remembering, thinking back to that time. Pausing I gave her time to collect her thoughts before continuing. But she beat me to it, her voice soft, a near whisper.
"The way I saw you changed…my feelings changed and I didn't understand it…one minute I wanted to kiss you then the next I wanted to scream and cry because you didn't notice me…I was so angry with you… but when you left me, I was devastated Jake…the pain…the feeling inside me…aching…it was terrible, like I was existing but not living…like part of me was missing"
A flare of hope kindled inside me "That was the imprint Ness…you feel it too…because the universe wants us together, the aching the discomfort…it's the universe's way of making sure imprints stay together"
"So you're saying that the only reason we are together now is because we would be in too much pain to be apart?" she seethed. Oh shit… Nessie baby please understand, you don't know how much this means to me.
I couldn't believe it. Jake was basically telling me that he'd had some freaky bond with me since I was baby because it would hurt too much not to. Imprinting sucked. All the feelings I thought Jake had for me were caused by some freakish wolfy bullshit obligation.
I stiffened in his arms and withdrew my own, this was worse than any rejection he had put me through. Now I find that he is only with me because he has to be. Immediately Jake's arms clamped tighter around me and I knew if I wanted to be down there would be a struggle.
"No, Nessie, No never…fucking Leah!" he growled, sounding very much like the animal he could become.
"Nessie when I came back from, from…Sam's house I saw you again and that was it for me, it happened all over again but this time it was different…so, so different…there you were so beautiful and perfect and I didn't just imprint on you, I…I fell in love with you"
My heart pounded against my rib cage so furiously I thought it was going to burst through my chest. For so long I had dreamed of Jake saying those words to me but now they just seemed to leave a bitter taste in my mouth. I felt the bite of tears against my eyelids and blinked furiously.
"Love? You say you love me? How would you even know Jake? It's the imprint…it's all been the imprint"
He shook his head "No Nessie…how could I not love you? You're smart and beautiful and perfect…you are the most unique creature on the planet…I was made for you, made to make you happy and if you'll let me, I promise will spend everyday for the rest of forever doing that"
A scorching blush took over my cheeks and I wanted so desperately to believe him but I couldn't, he was tied to me, obligated. Eternally bound to me in way, which would result in great pain for us both, should we ever be separated.
" I know you would...because you have to right? That's what you were meant to do…you don't have a choice in the matter, you can't love me Jake"
I looked away from him, unable to deal with the torment in his eyes, his own pain compounding mine, tearing at my insides.
"And what about me Renesmee? How do you feel about me? The imprint runs both ways, usually what one feels, the other does too"
His words startled me. I loved Jake and had done all my life. I had never questioned why or how I had… merely accepting it the same way I knew the sun rose and set.
But I had chosen to love him, I had fallen in love with him because he my best friend, because he made me laugh, because he was funny and gentle and kind and yet still so masculine that he curled my toes with only a look. Was all of that really down to the imprint? Did I really have no choice in the matter?
For a second he looked smug and I realized what he was telling me, the imprint made me feel this way. Yet I knew I would have loved him anyway, imprint or no imprint. My love for him came from who he was, what he did not from some mystical wolfy bullshit. I loved him because he made me sand castles in winter, let me dress him up as Pocahontas, and held me while I cried when I wasn't allowed to interact with the other children my age. He was my very best friend and I knew he would be the only one for me. Forever.
"That's different," I protested, turning my face away not about to reveal my feelings just yet, not when I was feeling so vulnerable.
"How? How is different?" he grunted, turning my face up to his, making me look at him.
"It just is…how I feel has nothing to do with some mystical force making me lo- care for you…I lo- like you for who you are and what you do, for making all the those terrible blond jokes about Rosalie and sitting through High School Musical with me even though I've seen it about a hundred times already…but you, you have to feel this way, you don't have a choice and now neither do I" I finished sadly, dragging my eyes away from his again.
I hated to see the tortured look on his face but I had to be honest with him. Beneath me he froze and I climbed stiffly from his lap to settle next to him.
"Nessie, you will always have a choice…if you don't" I couldn't even bring myself to fucking think it let alone say the words aloud and had to stop to clear my throat "If you don't want me, don't want this…then all you have to do is say…you still have a choice…I was made for you, to be whatever you want me to be and if you chose to be without me then I have to accept that"
Over my fucking dead body. She was mine and I was never going to leave her, even if she told me she never wanted to see me again, I would be there in the background, watching, waiting.
Her sigh felt like a million knives twisting in my gut, when I made that speech I hadn't thought that she would seriously consider it. All the times I had imagined this conversation this was so not the way it went. I was screwed. Life was fucking me over in big way.
"I can leave you if that's what you want but I will always love you Nessie-"
"The imprint-"
"No god damn it!" I snarled, leaping away from her.
I was angry now, pacing the room in an attempt to calm myself, aware of just what could happen if I shifted when she was too close.
"I will always love you because you smell like peaches and cream, and laugh at my dumb blonde jokes…I will always love you because your smile makes my stomach flip and your laughter makes me want to laugh too, so I can share in your happiness…I will always love you because you have a tiny freckle that no one except your parents and I have seen since you were a baby and they changed your diaper… I love you because you have the strangest name on the face of this planet, you are the most unique person in the world and you claimed me, you wrapped me around your little finger the second I saw you…I will always love you because you are you…and had you been born into a different body with a different name then I would have found you again too because I love you Renesmee Carlie Cullen"
I stopped pacing and looked down at her, feeling like a fucking douche because now she was crying, openly. I could smell the salty tang of her tears and once again I had fucked up. Oh Nessie, please, please don't cry over me darlin'. And the award for being the world's worst imprint for the second year running goes to…
Her lips trembled and her mouth moved soundlessly as though she were trying to speak. Feeling the tug of the imprint I crossed the room and fell to my knees before her, still looking down at her because of our height difference. Taking her shaking hands in mine I let my forehead drop to rest atop her tousled bronzed curls and I planted a fierce kiss among them, suddenly wondering if this was the last time I would get to do this. A hole inside me tore open with the thought and I wanted to howl. Instead I breathed deeply, taking in the scent of her tears and pain, committing them to memory.
I flinched at the first touch of her hands against my chest, her open palm splayed across my thundering heart. Instantly I was flooded with images of myself.
My head thrown back as I laughed at her, a grin tugging at my mouth as I watched her wobble precariously on the roller blades I had bought her for her second birthday. Me, smiling gently down at her as she drifted into slumber as an infant. My eyes the first time I kissed her, and finally the look of torment on my face as I spoke the words, which would free her from me if she wanted it. Along with my expressions, I felt such a deep stirring of love and longing that it almost took my breath away.
I felt the fine tremor, which ran through his body as he knelt over me, his face buried on my hair, his breathing deep, his body taut. I realized I had misunderstood his words to me earlier. He hadn't been telling me that I only loved him because of the imprint; he had been trying to tell me that he loved me the same way I loved him… in spite of the imprint. That he was as sure that he loved me, as I was as sure I loved him. It worked both ways. This was it for him. I was it for him. Seeing him this vulnerable and in pain cut me deep.
"Please Nessie" he rasped into my hair "Please don't cry baby"
How many times had he asked that of me in my life? He was always there to comfort and reassure me, but now he needed that, he needed to know. Jake had been made for me but right now, he needed reassurance, needed to be put first.
"I love you," I blurted, once the words were on my tongue I couldn't stop them.
Above me, Jake froze I wasn't even sure he was breathing. Slowly, so slowly that I felt like I would go mad with waiting he pulled back to look into my face. I gasped when I saw the molten heat in his eyes and surprising me more than anything was the faint shimmer of tears.
"You…love…me?" his voice was thick with emotion.
"How could I not love you…you taught me how to ride my bike, took me for ice cream, snuck me into movies I wasn't supposed to see and then sang show tunes for an entire week so my parents didn't find out…you were my first kiss and you will be my last…you were born for me like I was born for you…you're my Jacob and I love you" I breathed, tugging his face closer to mine, so I could whisper those final words against his lips, before I claimed them with my own.
Our mouths met in a gentle tender kiss, a promise, and a benediction, a healing kiss that all too soon was over. There was still so much to talk about, still so much I wanted to know, needed to know.
"You love me" his smugness was back and I couldn't deny the thrill it gave me when he grinned arrogantly "I knew you loved me"
I laughed through my tears, happy, things were on an even keel again "You did not"
"I did…I knew there was a reason you kept me around the place" he pulled me closer, and my arms found their natural place around his neck, my head against his chest, listening to the thrumming sound of his heartbeat.
"Mostly I keep you about so I can perv on your body"
I felt his rumbling chuckle beneath my cheek, his big hands stroking my hair. We were silent for a few minutes just enjoying holding each other. Feeling him against me set my tummy fluttering and I knew my body was reacting to his nearness as my breathing quickened, almost as though his very presence robbed me of the ability to breathe.
"Nessie, we still have a lot to talk about" he murmured after a while.
"I know" but I was reluctant to break the little bubble we had found ourselves in.
Reluctantly I pulled away from him and folded myself onto the floor before him. I smiled when he scooted up against me, my back to his chest, sighing as I felt his incredible heat penetrate my clothing. As a reflex his arms came around me and I allowed my head to loll back against his chest. Despite the impending threat of the Volturi and an unscheduled visit from what was going to be yet another psycho vamp, I felt strangely happy and at peace.
"Where do I start?" he was talking to himself more than to me and I sat, waiting patiently, giving him the time and space he needed.
I cursed myself for having gotten into this situation with Nessie but she needed to know. Everything. I had to tell her what happened to me and why it had happened. If those fucking leeches found me again…it would be all over and she deserved to know why I pushed her away and pulled her in so many times.
Hearing her tell me she loved me, had brought the sharp sting of tears to my eyes. Those were words I had only dreamed she would say but she did, against all the odds she loved me, the words most fucked up imprint. The only imprint who could potentially kill her if those bloodsuckers got their way. Turning me feral hadn't been easy but they had done it once, what if they did it again? I could kill her, hurt her and never even know it, never even feel it.
"So the thing about imprints is, they can't be broken…not through time or space or physical distance…but those bloodsuckers tried and they nearly succeeded" I bit out.
Against me Nessie tensed for a second and then she began to run her hand along my forearm, soothing, calming the rage that built up inside me the second I began to think about my captivity. Instantly the beast inside me quieted, retreating to a low grumble.
"I want you to know what happened Ness. I want you to know in case it happens again…you need to be able to protect yourself and know what to do, if I change again…you know that they captured me but they tortured me, fucked me up pretty badly…Jane that leech that looks like a fucking kid" I hated to even speak her name and gritted my teeth against a nearly feral snarl.
"Jane, she did something to me, over and over, made me feel like… I was being burned alive, like all the bones in my body were being broken simultaneously…it was unbearable… but it was better than dealing with the pain of being away from my imprint, of being away from you…that's something no one wants to endure"
Nessie made a sound of agreement and continued with her small soft strokes, her fingertips brushing lightly over my skin.
"They starved me, beat me, set Jane on me and still I wouldn't crack… I just focused on you and getting home to you but then one day" I cleared my throat against the pain "One day…there you were"
She tilted back her head and her shocked gaze met mine, instantly I felt the connection between us open "me?"
"They brought you in…dragged you in really…I had never been so pleased to see you or so fucking terrified at the same time…Christ Nessie it was like my greatest wish and my worst nightmare rolled into one"
I couldn't bear to see the pain on his face, the lost look in his eyes as he spoke but I perversely I couldn't look away. Part of me knew he wasn't really even talking to me now, he was merely remembering, lost in his thoughts.
"And then it began…time after time I had to watch as they tortured you...I listened to you screaming my name, pleading with me to help you…all I could do was talk to you, tell you I was here for you…I thought there was nothing more they could do to me after that I was wrong…they took you from me Nessie and they…they hurt you, forced you, did sick disgusting things to you" he murmured his eyes glazed his large body trembling beneath me.
Oh my Jake, my poor, brave Jake. I hated to hear what they had done to him but I knew he wanted to get it out, to release whatever demons had been haunting him and standing between us.
"Night after night they would take you and you would beg and plead, asking for me, asking for Bella and I tried Nessie I swear to god I tried to stop them but I couldn't…and then one day, you were different…you were one of them and you tried to bite me, to kill me" he turned to look at me, his face twisted into a grimace "I had to do it Nessie, I had to make you stop…I killed you Nessie with my bare hands"
Revulsion swirled inside me, not for Jake but for what had happened to him and what he had to do. I felt the burn of tears behind my lids and I blinked rapidly, Jake needed me now, needed me to be the strong one for him. He paused his head hanging a little and I knew he was ashamed of himself.
"All I could think about was how I held you when you were a little girl and how you smiled at me…how you laughed when you saw me…and then it was over…I could hear this horrific gut wrenching screaming and then nothing…"
Tears prickled against my eyes, burning, searing his words onto my heart. My brave Jacob, all this time he had carried this inside him. I was his imprint; I had to be there for him as much as he was there for me.
"It wasn't real baby…none of it…I was home, safe and waiting for you, loving you, missing you, needing you" I breathed against the skin of his shoulder, feeling him flinch as my lips came into contact with his body. Pressing soft delicate kisses to his shoulders, I prayed they would heal the wounds I couldn't see.
"I don't remember anything after that until you found me in that clearing…I knew even then I think, I knew you were something special…. My instincts were screaming at me to kill you but I couldn't…I couldn't do that again….then after I was so scared of who I was and what could happen to you that I pushed you away wanting to protect you… stop you getting hurt…tried to stop what I felt for you and all I did was hurt you anyway…fuck Ness you don't know how hard it's been" he grunted.
My heart twisted painfully inside me at his words, I wished more than anything I could take away his pain, swallow it and take it inside myself, rid him of it forever. To know that he believed he had killed me, to know the pain he felt with that act had fractured his mind, his soul, splitting himself, humbled me. I ached with the need to comfort him the same way he had done for me, so many times but I didn't know what to do, didn't know what he needed. I was lost.
"I'm sorry Jake, so, so sorry my Jacob" I punctuated each word with a soft loving kiss but I knew he wasn't really aware of me.
"And now we're living with this death sentence" he rasped bitterly.
"Don't say that, we don't know what's going to happen" even I could hear the desperation coloring my tone.
"You know no matter what happens that I love you right? You know that don't you Nessie" he asked me almost violently, coming back into himself. His hands curled into my skin, the bite of his nails feeling a little uncomfortable. But inside I welcomed the pain, welcomed evidence that this was real, he was real and for now we were together.
"I know Jacob, I know," I repeated over and over, like a mantra, willing him to believe it.
How long we sat there on the floor I don't know but when I glanced around, I noticed the room had been cast into shadows. Behind me Jake was silent and still, his breathing slow and even, calm. Though I kept my body pliant inside my mind was still spinning as I processed the horror of what had happened to him and tried not to think about what Alice had said. They were drawing closer all the time. Like grains of sand in the wind, my time with Jacob was being swept away. I couldn't bare it; I wanted him near me, with me. I didn't want to be alone anymore.
"Jacob, will you do something for me?" I whispered.
"Anything" his reply was gratifyingly instant.
I wanted to smile but I couldn't "Stay with me tonight…sleep with me…"
He stiffened against me, his entire body drawing tight and he cleared his throat "Ness, we can't-"
Heat covered my skin "I don't mean like…that…I mean sleep with me, hold me…we have so little time left and I can't bear to be apart from you any more...I want you face to be the last thing I see when I go to sleep and the first thing I see when I awake"
I heard him suck in a strangled breath "I want that too"
My heart turned over inside me chest and I squeezed his hands where they linked through mine.
"So will you?"
There was a long silence and another squeeze around my fingers and then my heart.
"Yes Nessie, I will"