"It's hot, and I'm going to sleep." She utters, stepping on the pants leg to free her other foot. I swallow, my mouth being incredibly dry. I wonder why she put my jacket back on if she is too hot to wear pants, I stare at her bare legs and the way the jacket brushes against the tops of her thighs as she paces over to the bed. She drags off the large cover and slips under the thin sheet beneath. I stand up and watch as she closes her eyes and pulls my jacket up and over most of her face, snuggling into the fabric. I turn the temperature down to a cold setting and stand in the centre of the room.
"Are you going to watch me all night?" She mumbles, I clear my throat and walk around the other side of the bed. I kick off my shoes, lying fully clothed on top of the sheet and staring at the ceiling. I could not be any closer to the edge without falling off; I miss the size of the old bed we shared.
I hear Rey groan and turn the bedside lamp on before rolling back over to face me.
"Finn, it's making me hot just looking at you, take your shirt off, or something." She mumbles into my jacket.
"Why my shirt?" I ask quietly.
"I like it when you don't wear one," I feel like she didn't mean to say that. I can't help but smile a little and when I turn my head I catch her eye for moment before she looks away.
"For the record, you don't deserve to be alone." She says slowly. I let her words sink in before I sit over the edge of the bed and pull the fabric over my head and I drop it on the floor. I walk to my bag to retrieve some bed shorts, I pull my pants off; the whole time feeling Rey's gaze on me.
"I know you're staring," I laugh a little as I pull up the shorts. When I turn around my smile fades at the sight of her, sitting upright, facing me, my jacket sleeve slipping down one shoulder and her mouth parted. Her eyes shine with the glint of tears.
"What's the matter? I ask, climbing back onto the bed close to her, but still leaving space between us.
"Your back…" She whispers. I wonder if there is damage to it I hadn't noticed, maybe all the work cleaning the rooms tore it – I think I would have noticed though.
"Is something wrong?" Rey shakes her head, closing her lips and rubbing them together before letting her mouth part again. "What's wrong?" I press quietly, my heartbeat quickens, but I know my worry isn't for myself. More pieces of her hair have fallen from the ribbon and onto her face.
"I've never seen it before,"
"What?" I force a laugh in response, "Of course you have," I add, shaking my head.
"I only touched it, that one time, by accident." My back tinges at the memory of her fingers grazing over it while we kissed for the first time. I really do miss her, accepting it makes my heart ache for her.
"What about the last time we were together, I didn't have a shirt on at all,"
"I wasn't really paying attention," she mumbles. I start to think maybe she is right, even when I walked away from her in the infirmary after the incident with Kylo she had her head in her hands.
Without asking if she wants me to, I shuffle around on the bed so my back is facing her. I hear the way her breathing becomes heavy. "Can I-"
"Yes," I don't let her finish asking; whatever it was I will let her. I always did wonder how she would react. She moves closer to me and lightly runs her fingers from the base of my spine running them up to my left shoulder blade, trailing her fingers lightly across the scar causes me to shiver, sending shockwaves to my core. I am spiralling out of control, my breath hitches with each smooth moment of her fingertips. Whatever she is doing I almost can't contain myself. Her fingers feel so foreign, the only other person to touch it was Starla, but that didn't feel as amazing as this. I am on the verge of giving in, giving her everything. Rey is so gentle, so cautious; as if she is afraid she may hurt me.
Why do I keep running when I know she is the only one who makes me feel this way? I close my eyes, all my focus is drawn to the way her hands gently caress my damaged skin.
"Does that hurt?" She whispers, I don't hear what she says properly.
"Hmm…" I mumble absentmindedly, and her words register as she takes her hands away, "Oh no, it doesn't," my voice is thick, "Don't stop," I add and hear Rey suck in a sharp breath.
"Sometimes, if I do a lot of work, or don't stretch, it'll get sore," My body heats up as she leans closer, pressing her lips against the swollen patchwork of skin. I don't know what I enjoy more, the way she isn't afraid to kiss me, or the feeling of her lips against my skin. It is as if with each kiss she shifts something inside me, and a feeling of euphoric tranquillity consumes me. I am surprised when her lips leave my scar and trail up my shoulder, then up my neck. Warm blood seems to swim in my veins for the first time in days; I let myself absorb the feeling. Rey's fingers leave my scar and she grips onto my waist. Her kisses become wet, but I don't mind.
"I'm sorry," she mutters and pulls away, as if realising she may have taken it too far. When I turn to face her I notice that tears run down her cheeks, and I wonder if maybe she thinks it is hideous.
"Is it that bad?" I ask with a frown.
She shakes her head, "No, you are perfect," she says it so casually, as if it is a known fact, and my heart flutters.
It doesn't take long for my smile to fade. "Why are you crying?" I press tentatively.
"Because it's my fault," she whimpers. I sigh, releasing a lot more than just my breath. I turn back around and sit closer to her than before, our knees touching. This time I wipe away her tears with my thumb and leave my hand to cup her cheek.
"No it wasn't," I move my head down slightly to look right into her eyes, she sniffs. "I was furious,"
"You did it for me,"
"Because I thought you had died. Or if there was any chance you were alive I wasn't going to sit there and do nothing."
"And look at what happened," I quietly huff. She is so stubborn. I don't realise that I am just as stubborn when it comes to her.
"Oh, Rey, I'd do anything to protect you… Even if that means leaving you," she shuts her eyes.
"Are we really going back there?" She asks sharply, but leans into my touch to soften her words. "The last thing you are doing by leaving is protecting me. Finn, you are always the one who saves me." She brings her hand onto my outstretched arm, "Why can't you let me save you this time?" I can't seem to answer. I continue to look at her; maybe I was an idiot to think I could live without her… "I need you, Finn," Her words finally knock some sense into me. I have been too foolish. Dammit Poe was right all those weeks ago, neither of us can fight against each other, we will always find out way back to each other. I don't respond with words, there are none to explain how all of a sudden I feel myself again. Instead I grasp onto the other side of her face and crash my lips onto hers. I hear her shocked gasp as I bury my fingers into her hair; she loses balance falling back against the bed, her head just on the edge and she pulls me with her. She quickly kisses me back and holds onto my arms.
Suddenly the image of her under me, my hands gripping her neck flashes behind my eyes, and I slowly pull away from her. Rey takes shallow breaths, her hair everywhere. She is shocked but her eyes are full of satisfaction, which slowly fades as I lean away from her. I twist around and lay my back on the mattress, my head on the pillow, Rey sits up and looks hurt by my action, taking it as rejection. I close my eyes briefly and sigh, a smile on my lips. I sit back up again and grab hold of her hips, dragging her across the mattress before pulling her on top of me as I lay back down. Her warm bare thighs straddle my waist, my jacket riding up to expose all of her legs, and she smiles down at me innocently.
"That's better," I state and she smiles at me knowingly. I push a strand of hair behind her ear and grasp the back of her head and lighting press her back down towards me. "I need you too," I whisper before bringing her lips onto mine. She kisses me with so much affection I feel as if my heart begins to beat again, like tightness in my chest has loosened now that we are together. Even though our mouths barely part I feel as though I can breathe again. I pull away for a moment, my hands pushing at her shoulders. I want to look at her; her speckled cheeks and her dark green eyes are something I want to gaze at for a long time.
"Is something wrong?" She whispers quietly, as if she doesn't want to ask in fear I will ask her to stop. Her hands rest on my chest, I shake my head and smile, taking my hands to the ribbon in her hair, I fumble over it and pull it down the length of her hair until it all falls free and drops around her face. The curly waves are messy and tangled but that doesn't matter to me, I adjust her hair so that is covers her bruises. My hands cup her jaw and my thumbs caress her cheeks. "I missed that look," she blinks slowly and smiles.
"What look?" I question as I brush a stray piece of hair from her eyes.
"The one you only give me," she grins.
"How do you know I don't look at anyone else this way?" I test arrogantly and she grins even wider.
"Because I know you too well," I nod in agreement.
"That you do. So what is so special about it?" I ask tapping her nose which makes her contort her face in mock disgust.
"It makes me feel loved," She smiles happily down at me.
"I do love you, Rey," I laugh, smiling back; I say it almost too quickly, too confidently. As soon as the words slip from my lips I look away from her, my mouth parting in a mix between confusion and horror, my breathing becomes erratic. Do I love her? I never even admitted it to myself... What have I done?