Chapter 4: Faces and Memories

She woke up with a gasp. It was August 15th, 1973 today. Lorenzo was had left yesterday, she was alone now. Her eldest twenty-three year old brother had got his degree in psychology and travelled back to France to start a career. She remembered him telling her in secret that he missed the country in which he had lived for nine years, he missed the place where he had grown up. Lorenzo had told her that he regretted her not growing up there as well, he wanted his little sister to fall in love with the place he considered his home.

"I can never, not like you. Even if I do love it there, I'll miss this place, this is my home." She told him.

"I know, I promise to visit you on Christmas break. Rosa, I know you'll feel lonely without me but you'll have Lysander-"

"Just like I had you for the past five years." Lucianna told him stiffly.

"Rosa, don't." She turned away. "Rosa?" She still was silent. "Hermione?" He put a hand to her shoulder. "Hermione, I know you don't want me to leave but I have to. I want to be my own person, to live without… them, their expectations and responsibilities."

She looked at him. "Why can't you do it from here?"

"Hermione, I know who I am and I know what I want to do but I know that if I stay here I can never fully be in control. Please, try to understand." He paused. "It's like you being a witch, would you stop doing magic after you finished Hogwarts just because they told you so?"

"No."

"This-me going back to France is my magic. I want to continue doing it, so please let me."

She loosened up a bit. "I don't want to be alone. When both you and Lysander were in university it felt so lonely and now you'll leave to another country, Alex will be in his study world and I will be alone."

"Hermione, you're never really alone. So whenever you feel like it just know that I'll be there for you." She turned back to him. "Please."

She put her hands around him. "Renzo, will you write to me from France?"

"Of course Hermione."

"Every time something happens. I'll let you go then."

She felt him kiss her forehead. She loved him. She felt a strong connection with her brothers, it felt lonely when they choose their lessons over her but she knew that they loved her in their own way. Lucianna loved how they called her 'Rosa' instead of 'Rosalind' and Hermione just because they wanted to. In return she called Lorenzo 'Renzo' and she read somewhere that the name 'Lysander' originated from 'Alexander', hence the nickname 'Alex'. Their parents didn't want their children to have shortened names but the siblings did it between themselves, it was like a small, intimate gesture all siblings develop over time. The one which brought happy memories too.

She'd be going back to Hogwarts in half a month. Luckily Narcissa Black had graduated last year and no more taunts would be heard from her but she still didn't want to face the cold, hatred-filled stares. She knew she could make friends with some of the Ravenclaws or a Slytherin muggleborn a year above her but she didn't want to. For some reason whatsoever Lucianna Rosalind Hermione Riddle always felt a hole in her heat waiting to be filled with the right people. Through her childhood she waited for them, for any friend who would finally fill the emptiness but he never came.

No, she wouldn't befriend a Ravenclaw, maybe the Slytherin muggleborn, however, not the Ravenclaws since they made her feel stupid. She perfectly knew that she was far more knowledgeable than most of them but whenever they said something they made it sound as if it's a secret unknown only to them, making them the superior. Besides, she already had Amos Diggory and Benjy Fenwick, who were better friends than any of the Slytherins. She liked their company and they liked hers too and it was also much easier to talk to them because unlike her overly annoying roommates they understood her. Unfortunately, that wasn't enough to make her look forward to a new year. It would be her third year too. She sighed inwardly. If only she was in a different house, that way she could do whatever she wanted to, without having to fight and survive her housemates. She sighed.

"Hermione, what are you worried about?"

"Nothing, I'm just tired."

Hermione woke up. The clock showed that it was 06:15, in the morning. She figured she best get ready now because she knew she wouldn't be able to fall back asleep any time soon. She studied her schedule again before putting the right books in her bag-which now had a feather-light charm on it-and going towards the bathroom.

Yesterday (Sunday) was full of headaches. They distracted her to the point where she had to go to Madam Pomfrey to ask for a sleeping potion that would allow her to see dreams. So, the previous day Hermione had spent in the infirmary dreaming of living her previous life. Almost all her memories that came on Sunday were fencing related; the positioning of arms, running before the lessons, stretching after the lessons and doing the training itself. Then Hermione learnt that she was still taking the class (and actually enjoying it) on her summer holidays along with some muggle homeschooling.

She also happened to see some of her memories of talking with her parents, brothers and some of her neighbors. Quickly, she saw that her relationship with her father was very restrained and that she was terrified of her mother, despite her usual Gryffindor-like actions in other situations of her new life. What baffled her the most was that she couldn't remember their faces. Whenever she woke up from her memories the faces that she saw faded out from her. She knew that her mother had the same hair as her and that her father often wore a blue wool sweater but whenever she tried picturing their faces she couldn't do it. The same thing happened with all the other faces she saw in her dreams, she remembered the faintest details but never could picture the full thing. It was like someone was constantly spraying a thick mist around them.

Frustrated, she started combing her hair. This felt odd. She knew that somehow, in this life she managed to make her hair slightly less frizzy but that was still a enigma to her. The brush slowly made its way through her hair and what surprised her was that it didn't get stuck between her evil curls. The effect was actually the exact opposite and her bushy twists were arranging themselves into volumized waves. They still looked like her old hair, mind you, but now it looked like she was purposefully styling it this way. Only one thing could make sense as an answer to this mystery: the brush was charmed.

After finishing her endeavour in the bathroom she slowly walked out to the room she shared with the three other girls. The green light from the lake was illuminating the room with the shade of a killing curse. She missed the warm rays of sunshine she would feel on her face with the swirls of red colour whispering around her. The dungeons in comparison were cold and quiet, they did give her peace to read books but other than that they only managed to scare her.

It was 06:35 now and with no other thing to do she decided to look over the presents her family sent again. Her parents have sent her a silver photo frame for a future picture along with a pair of tanzanite earrings and a pendant. Her brothers sent her similar jewellery one being a violet flower made in gold while the other was a white-gold Hermione-rose. No letters were attached to any of them, only notes saying 'happy birthday'. Her family was less affectionate than she imagined.

She snorted, of course they were the Riddles. She remembered the story of her now-grandfather's arrogance of how easy it was for him to abandon a woman pregnant with his child, who said her now-father wouldn't do the same thing? Her mother had probably come from a rich family and that was the only reason they married. She remembered that her mother was abused as a child but who said it wasn't in a big house? Her parents were psychologically abusing her so who said that it wasn't on purpose? Still, a part of her told her that they were different, that part had burned with love for them.

…

She was left behind at breakfast after the owls have delivered their post. Her 'friends' (or twitchy little ferrets) have left to get to go somewhere, excluding her specifically, she supposed the action was done to hurt her but in fact it she felt relieved without their nauseating presence. She stood up with a sense of calm and decided to head early for-she checked her schedule-Arithmancy, she recalled her love for the subject and grinned slightly.

"Oi, Riddle." before she had the chance to look someone took her by the arm and she was spun around to face two Hufflepuffs, one of them she recognised as Amos Diggory.

"Umm… hi." She said trying to forge a mask of ease. She slowly put her wand back into her pocket, hoping they didn't notice her reaction.

"Where were you yesterday?" said the boy she tried desperately to recognise.

"I was at the hospital wing." she answered without having to lie.

"Are you alright?" the Cedric look-alike spoke.

"I had a terrible headache but I'm all right now. I have to go-Arithmancy." Hermione tried to finish the conversation.

"We'll meet you at the library later right?"

She stiffened, it didn't help that she had very little of her school memories, she didn't know what her relationship was with these people. And where was she supposed to be yesterday? She also didn't know what they meant by 'later'. She tried to suppress her worry with a smile. "Sure, what time?"

The boy who she didn't know looked at her like she asked a stupid question. "After lessons." he said, stating it like it was something obvious.

She nodded quickly and left as soon as possible going up to the seventh floor.

Who was that boy? After some logical thinking and going through the process of elimination she concluded he was Benjy Fenwick. It would be the only reasonable explanation and she could use itas an opportunity to ask them about some of her life. She nod her head in approval of her thoughts and pushed the door open.

Upon entering the class Hermione had to suppress her emotions after seeing James Potter with Remus Lupin sitting on the tables. Overwhelming thumps echoed in her chest while her body started feeling weak and disoriented. Emotions were threatening to take control of her actions as she forced herself to think of her other problems, biting her lower lip as hard as possible.

The boys seemed to have notice someone come in and sharply turned their gazes toward her. She smiled sweetly at them, noticing the obvious bond of friendship which they shared. They looked back with confusion.

"So you were serious?" asked James.

"Yes, I was." she answered.

Remus gave James a 'Ha! I told you so' grin.

"Are you sure you weren't hit by a bludger or are you playing a ridiculous prank?"

She understood their wariness around her and mentally took a note to be very sincere towards them. "No, I genuinely would like us to be civil to each other. The passwords to the Slytherin common room was a peace offering. I don't see a reason for us to hate each other."

"But you're a Slytherin and your friends are… well I sure can't call them the best companions." James arched a brow at her.

"I don't need a public acceptance if that's what your thinking, I just need a..." she stopped for a second, searching for a right way to put her words. "sort of ally-in you and your friends."

"What have you got to gain from such allies?" this question was from Remus who now had a frown on his face.

"I..." well, she couldn't just tell them that she needed to win their trust to eventually stop Peter from betraying them, killing James and Lily along with a bunch of innocent muggles in the process. Then framing Sirius and throwing him into Azkaban for twelve years and leaving Remus behind to doubt everyone. "have reasons." she muttered mostly to herself.

They eyed her skeptically at her, showing more signs of mistrust. "I just want help, with transfiguration." she cringed at her own words, looking at their strange expressions. "I mean tutoring at pranking." she added.

Before they had a chance to answer the door burst open and Professor Septima Vector came inside the classroom. Hermione sat on the second row and briefly glanced back at the duo during class, they were sniggering about a joke one of them made and Hermione went back to her-not so challenging anymore-work to push away the memories of Harry and Ron that invaded her mind. She wanted to cry, scream, shout, do anything about it, but she couldn't, she had to be strong, she had to save the future.

After receiving her homework and asking for extra, which would keep her mind away from the memories before sleep she rushed out of the cabinet to go to Care of Magical Creatures where she met Sirius who asked her similar questions while Remus continued observing from the side. She tried her best to keep calm but after the Potions class where she encountered a Lily Evans talking to Severus Snape she couldn't keep it in anymore and ran into the girls' bathroom on the second floor where she shattered into painful memories of Hermione Granger.

She remembered the troll encounter in her first year and their quest for the Philosopher's stone. She remembered the relief she felt when seeing Harry's face after waking up from being petrified. She remembered figuring out that her Professor was a werewolf and finding out that Sirius Black wasn't the traitor, the time-travelling with Harry to save them him and Buckbeak. She remembered her fourth year with Harry in the competition and Ron being Ron, she let out a cry.

She thought she was saving them, she believed that it was for the best. Harry turned out to be alive for Godric's sake, she could have had a good life, helping to fix everyone after the war, she could fix herself too. And Ron… she loved him! She remembered the betrayal she felt when he left, she remembered their little arguments, she remembered their kiss in the Chamber of Secrets and how he hugged her on various occasions. They weren't perfect but she felt a warmth in her heart with him that she did with no one else, the sense of familiarity while looking at him through meals.

Her heart was pounding, threatening to stop working and her breath became hungrier, reaching for any air she could get. She knew she was having a panic attack and she knew that she hold her breath for it to end but the emptiness of her lungs made her gasp for more. She could see her vision blurring as her breath became shallow. The world around her was darkening and fading into a wonderful black colour.

…

"Okay, Hermione. What's on your mind?"

She stared at Benjy and Amos, surprised that they called her the same way her brothers did. Perhaps she did have friends as close as Harry and Ron. She was about to furrow her brows, indicating a question but Benjy beat her to it.

"You haven't been acting like yourself-wait, let me rephrase that. You have been acting exactly like yourself but it's like you're being hostile, as if we're back in first year. So, what's on your mind?"

"Oh, and don't even try blaming it on your dorm mates or family issues because we know that it's something different so what happened Hermione?" added Amos.

"I'm sorry, I just-I don't know what's happening. In theory I should be fine but it's somehow-" her vision blurred. "sad seeing everyone careless and happy, I just want everyone to hold on to that because most of us will live as a broken shell of what there was before." she didn't know why the sudden rush of the partial truth came to her but before she registered their reaction the boys had wrapped her in their arms.

"I'm scared too Hermione, I'm so scared."

"It's going to be alright. There won't be another war."

"I hope so too." she answered.

…

Author's Note: Did you like it, I really hope you did because I'm not sure about the ending of this chapter. Anyway, thank you so much for reading and supporting, I wish you the best.

-Alli