Cyrus

"Your baby taters." Amber smiled as she placed the tray of edible heaven in the middle of the table. The second that the all-too-familiar scent of the taters hit my nostrils, I felt a powerful sensation of joy rush through my body. It felt like I couldn't draw my eyes away as I stared at them, taking in the sight of their deep-fried beauty as a wide smile grew on my face.

I think I have a problem.

"Thanks." TJ responded. I looked up from the taters, the sound of his voice grabbing my attention, only to find that both he and Amber were staring at me with growing concern evident on their faces.

I let out a nervous laugh as I felt myself blush. I looked down at my hands which I had subconsciously begun fidgeting with as they sat in my lap.

Amber's eyes darted between the two of us for a brief second, before turning to TJ with a suspicious grin on her face. "It's on the house." She said, strutting away from the table.

I looked up at TJ in confusion, to which he shook his head slightly and shrugged. "I don't know what that was about." He laughed nervously, taking the first baby tater and popping it into his mouth. He sighed in delight. "Man, I can't believe I never used to come here before we met."

I let out a short laugh. "Yeah, perks of being my friend I guess." I grinned as I reached out for my first tater.

I took a moment to savor the taste as I always did when I ate my first baby tater of the day. TJ rested his head against his hand and let out a deep sigh as he watched me, a smile forming on his face. The tension between us had returned again. I knew it was there and I was sure TJ knew as well, but it felt like neither of us were ready to acknowledge it.

I couldn't stop replaying that moment in my head. Standing in the middle of the street, giggling like kids, his arms wrapped around me. For a split-second, I thought that it was some cruel prank; that some of TJ's friends were about to jump out from around the corner and laugh at me, or that someone was recording us, or that it meant anything other than what I'd hoped it meant.

But as I stood there, wrapped in TJ's warm embrace, for the first time in years, I found myself able to block the rest of the world out. For one small moment, the eyes of the strangers around me didn't matter. The thoughts of being bullied faded away. In that moment, I didn't feel embarrassed. I didn't feel awkward or scared or anxious. I felt… comfortable.

I had almost forgotten what that truly felt like.

I couldn't bring myself to resist. I didn't want to. As I leaned back into his embrace, I felt my breath escape me. The sensations threatened to overwhelm me. The firm touch of his hands against my torso. The alluring smell of his cologne. The tingle that ran down my spine as I felt his warm breath tickle the back of my neck. The pounding of my heart fighting to escape from it's cage.

I didn't know what any of it meant. I wasn't prepared for things to suddenly get so serious. I had already resigned myself to the fact that TJ was straight, and that any spark I once thought we had was but a figment of my over-active imagination. I had already begun working to move on from my feelings, just as I had done with Jonah. Suddenly, I felt like I was back at square one with TJ. Everything about whatever we had between us felt new, exciting and unknown all over again, as though someone had breathed life back into it.

As I looked across at TJ; at the distant look in his eyes, somewhere deep inside me I knew that he was still trying to process it too. I felt an overwhelming compulsion to break the silence that had fallen between us.

"So… last night?" I reminded him of the original reason why we were actually here.

TJ opened his mouth to speak, but he hesitated. Whatever it was that he had to say to me, I could tell he was having trouble saying it. I let him take a moment to gather his thoughts as I grabbed at another baby tater.

After a few more seconds of stony silence, he finally began. "I'm sorry I yelled at you last night."

I immediately shook my head. "You don't need to apologize." I frowned.

"I'm apologizing." He repeated sternly. I nodded, accepting that I needed to just let him say what he had to say. After taking in a deep breath, he continued, "We were just there studying for hours, and it felt like the numbers weren't even… numbers anymore. They just looked like scribbles on a page. I really wanted to get a good grade on that test, just to prove to myself that I can do it, you know?"

I nodded in understanding. I've known plenty of people in this world who just didn't want to work hard or be successful, and TJ Kippen was not one of them.

"But for a minute there, it just felt… hopeless. Like I was never going to do well no matter how hard I tried." A sorrowful look flickered across his face as he averted his gaze from mine, "And I guess that it just hit me all at once and I couldn't take it. I needed some fresh air, so I just went t-"

"To the park." I finished for him, smiling sadly.

TJ looked up at me attentively for a few seconds, as though he was thinking about something else entirely, before leaning back in his seat and continuing.

"Yeah." He sighed, before letting out a small laugh. "I mean, it was raining out, so I only stayed for like twenty minutes. Then I just… went back home."

I studied his face closely. I knew that he wasn't telling me everything.

"So what about you ghosting me all morning?" I asked, my tone more accusatory than I had intended.

TJ's shoulders dropped, his hands falling into his lap. "I was, ah…" He trailed off, refusing to look me in the eyes. "I was studying."

I raised my eyebrows, not sure whether or not he was being completely honest. "You were studying?" I asked, though it sounded more like a statement.

"All- all night." He stuttered, running a hand through his hair. "And morning."

A wave of emotions hit me. All at once I felt proud, sad, relieved and guilty. I took in a long, deliberate breath, trying to find the right words as TJ shifted uncomfortably in his seat, still avoiding my gaze. I wanted to yell at him for doing something so stupid and drastic but my heart felt heavy. The thought of him staying up all night working hard to overcome whatever malfunctions were wired into his brain just filled me with sadness. And knowing that he did it alone killed me inside.

"Oh, TJ… why…" I started, a lump forming in my throat, "Why didn't you tell me?" I asked softly, leaning forward.

TJ glanced at me for a brief second before looking away sheepishly. "I didn't want to hurt you." He muttered, his voice unusually low.

"'Hurt me'?" I repeated in disbelief, "You could never… I mean, you should have told me. I- I could have helped! I would have!"

"I know." TJ nodded. "Look, it… it doesn't matter anymore, okay? The test is over, I probably failed, let's just move on."

"TJ…" I whispered gently, not ready to let this go just yet.

"Please, Cyrus." TJ interrupted harshly, finally looking me in the eyes.

A part of me knew I should have just dropped the topic there, but the part of me that had grown to care for this boy just couldn't help itself.

"TJ, you're not in this alone. I can help you. I want to help you!" I pleaded.

"Cyrus…" TJ gritted his teeth, anger clearly bubbling beneath the surface.

Stop talking, Cyrus. Just stop.

"No- I just- I don't want you to beat yourself up over this!" I continued, reaching a hand across the table in a gesture of support. "I know how hard this must be for y-"

"NO you don't!" TJ suddenly yelled loudly, causing me to flinch violently and hit the back of my seat. Every pair of eyes in the diner turned towards us as I retracted my hand in fear, face burning red.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

My mouth hung open; my body shook fiercely as I struggled to find my breath. I frantically looked around at the people staring. Some were quiet as the grave, probably thinking about what an idiot I had been. Some were whispering amongst themselves, probably about how much of a wimp I was. Some were pointing and laughing, probably at how much of a freak I was.

Freak. Freak. Freak.

I turned back to TJ, whose expression of fury dissolved as quickly as it had appeared, a look of immense guilt taking it's place.

He slowly reached out a hand to comfort me. "Cyrus, I'm sorry, I'm s-" He stopped talking as I instinctively swatted his hand away, shrinking back into my seat. Any feelings of concern or trust I had felt for TJ had been painted over with a primal fear. Fear for my own safety.

He hates me. He hates me. I ruined it. He hates me forever.

Freak. Freak. Freak.

Tears now rolling down my face as I tremored in my seat, I could feel my surroundings begin to blur out. The sights; the sounds; the smells all grew faint as with every breath my chest felt heavier and heavier.

"…ink you should go." I barely heard a familiar voice above the sound of my own desperate gasps for air.

I didn't know what was happening anymore, or where I was. The only thing there was was myself and the sound of laughter, growing louder and louder within my head as I felt myself breaking out into a sweat and sobbing uncontrollably. I felt alone. Unprotected. Naked. Nothing was real in my little bubble except for the laughter, and the same word in my head, replaying over and over.

Freak. Freak. Freak.

After what felt like the longest few seconds of my life, I felt the warmth of a hand placed on my shoulder. I felt someone press a glass to my mouth which still hung open in shock. Instinctively, I tilted my head back and felt the cool sensation of fresh water trickling down my throat. I felt someone rubbing my arm comfortingly, talking to me gently.

"Breathe in, and out. In, out. In. Out." I heard her repeating, and slowly but surely my breathing began to follow the rhythm. My panicked gasps for air became long, deliberate inhales and exhales as the world slowly began to come back into focus; as the sound of laughter began to fade out into the background.

After a few minutes of concentrated breathing, I felt my senses return to me. I slowly turned my head to the right to find Amber stood beside me, holding a glass of water to my lips as she continued to rub my arm.

"You're okay, Cyrus. You're in the Spoon. It's me, Amber. You're okay." She spoke to me in a delicate tone of voice.

I'm in the Spoon. I'm okay. I'm okay.

Still struggling to find my voice, I turned back to find the seat across from me was empty.

TJ. Where is TJ? What happened?

"TJ's not here, Cyrus. You're safe. You're okay." Amber told me.

"Wh…" I started, still unsure what I was trying to say. "Why… what happened? Did… did I-"

"You had a panic attack, Cyrus." Amber nodded.

I let out a heavy sigh as the weight in my chest felt lighter and lighter. "Where's TJ?"

"I told him to leave. Drink." She commanded, pressing the glass against my mouth again. I obliged, lifting a trembling hand to grip the glass for myself as I gulped some more water down.

I began to feel a little better. I rubbed a hand across my face and found it dripping with sweat and tears.

"Thanks." I whispered.

"It's okay." She whispered back, smiling tenderly.

I cast my eyes across to the empty seat opposite me again, feeling a pang in my chest as I began to piece together exactly what had just happened.

"Where did TJ go?" I asked in concern.

Amber glared at me in disbelief. "Forget about him right now."

"But…"

"No." She immediately interrupted me. "You can't think about him right now. Just try to relax."

I didn't know what to do. All I wanted was to find TJ, to talk to TJ and to be comforted by TJ, but at the same time it occurred to me that however bad I felt about our conversation, he must have been feeling a hundred times worse.

I followed Amber's orders, letting myself lean back in my seat, taking another long drink of water. I thought about everything that was likely to happen next. Amber would have to talk to me about what the heck just happened, my parents would have to come rescue me and they would have a million questions, Andi and Buffy would have to know what happened, and TJ. I had to talk to TJ.

I shook my head in fear. There was no way any of this was going to end well. For either of us.

This was a difficult chapter for me to write. I'm fortunate enough to have never suffered a panic/anxiety attack, so I hope I managed to do it justice for anyone who does have them. If there's anything I got wrong, please do let me know.

I am also aware that a panic/anxiety attack typically takes much longer than just a few minutes to pass, but quite frankly I didn't want to write 4,000 words of just Amber telling Cyrus to breathe in and out (and I'm sure you don't really want to read that), so an abbreviated version will have to do for the purposes of keeping the story moving.

New chapter in the next couple of days!