Did you guys have a great Christmas/Holidays? I hope you did! Anyways, review and enjoy!
Sebastian's POV
His mouth opens, but shuts just as quickly. I squint a little bit harder, thinking that maybe he said something, and I missed it due to the sun setting. I wait and wait for him to give me a reaction that would either make me fall more in love with him or fall back into my one-sided, hidden adoration, but there is none.
In an emotional panic, I get my excuses ready. I mentally practice my smile that I will give him, and although my heart will crack as it always does when I lie to him, I will pretend that everything is okay. That I'm okay. Because that is what I am good at: pretending. But before I can turn my heartache into a fake comical defense, his lips moves.
"I don't want to be yours." Now I know how painful verbal assault can be. It may even hurt more than my accident ten years ago. No, it hurts more because I know that he will never, ever return my feelings. I guess a small part of me held on the hope that he felt something for me, but his words squash it.
I want to breakdown. It is a pressing need, but I smile like I promised myself I would. "Yeah," I start out softly while I feel my vocal cords tremble as I try to hold back a sob. "Why would you?" I ask, more to myself than him. The weight of it becomes a throbbing pain behind my eyes. "Ciel, let's do a rain check on the dinner, okay? I forgot that I have a prior engagement that I must attend to. Drive safely, alright? I spin around and walk briskly back to my car where Bard patiently stands. He doesn't question my return. All he does is pat my back and head to the driver's seat. I enter the back of the car right before it starts to drizzle.
I can't bear to look in his direction, so I tightly press my eyes close and let my tears wet my cheeks. "I've been a fool, Bard. How idiotic I must have been to think he could ever love me. How pathetic I am to actually believe the lies I tell myself! How stupid." I don't look in the mirror to see if he is saying anything. I don't need to read his lips to know that he will disagree with what I am saying because he is a great friend. Because he feels sorry for me. "Why did I come back? Why?" Why did I even live? I wince as I think this forbidden thought. I have repressed this query for years, but it is screaming in my head as it first did when I became conscious to the world and aware of my deafness. And it is not the question itself that frightens me. It is the silence that makes me afraid because not even my mind can conjure up responses to console me.
It's coming. I can feel it like the urge to vomit. It is building in the depths of my soul. It's is coming swiftly. "Bard." I choke out as I grab my head. "Bard! Help me!"
Bard's POV
The moment he gets back to the car, I know something is wrong, but I keep my lips shut. He wants to leave this parking lot, and I will do what I am told, even if it is unspoken. So I start driving, and we are on the road when he begins talking. "I've been a fool, Bard," he says. I let out a grunt that he can't hear. I take my eyes off the road to see if he is looking in the mirror, but he isn't so I can't talk to him. All I can do is listen to the mean comments he says about himself. I hate how I can't make him stop.
"Bard." My ears perk up. He sounds different all of a sudden. It makes me worry. "Bard! Help me!" I know why I am worried. He is relapsing.
I try to pull over, but since I am focused on him, I almost collide with another car. They honk, and I swerve back into my lane. I curse, and I try again with more caution. Once parked on the side, I turn around in my seat.
I can't get his attention. His head is down, and he can't see me. I need to stop this before he gets uncontrollable. I move back into my seat and reach into the glove compartment for his medicine. Once in my hand, I quickly rush out of the car to go to the backseat, which is where he is at. I pull his hands away and push his face upwards. His eyes are glossy with tears, and they are hazy. His body is shivering as he is thinks about the past. He is yelling for anyone to help him.
"I'm here. Sebastian, look at me! Come on, Sebastian!" He is looking at straight at me, but he can't see me. This is just like then, but this time, I can do something.
I grab his face, and I use the opportunity of his screaming to shove his medicine into his mouth. I cover his mouth and nose, trying to force him to swallow, and he does. I let go of him, and he goes back into his terror
I try to hold onto him as he struggles to break free. He gets in a few unintended punches to my body, but I just tighten my grip. I do this until the medicine kicks in, and he relaxes in my arms. Like I expected, he falls asleep, tired from his fit and from the effect of the medicine. I had hoped that his PSTD has gotten better, but I guess it hasn't.
Maybe he shouldn't have come back. Maybe he should have stayed away.
My guilt becomes bigger as I look at his face contorting in pain that is probably caused by his nightmares.
Ciel's POV
I gaze at his back as he walks away from me. As he walks back to Bard, to a world I am not a part of. I watch as they drive away together, and I feel something cold hit my cheek. I am only fifty percent sure that it is the rain. The other half of me is convinced it is my tears.
The car exits the parking lot, and something snaps in me. My jealousy, my insecurities, and my pain pulls me to my own vehicle. It is insensible, but I begin to try to tail them. I speed until I see them on the freeway, and rather than driving behind them, I go on the right side. I try to peer into their car, but the windows are tinted. I squint, but then Bard seems to lose control of the wheel as he almost rams into me. I honk, and he inches back into his own lane. I slow down, thinking that he is going to get off on an exit, but instead, he pulls over. I mimic him, and I come to a stop on the shoulder of the road, keeping a small amount of distance between my car and theirs.
I turn my lights off as I keep my eyes on the car. The rain makes it hard to see, but it's clear that it is Bard getting out of the driver's seat to go to the back seat. I don't know what it is that compels me to go back into the rain, but in a blink, I am cupping my hand to their window. What I see only supports what I said earlier to Sebastian. I don't want to be his because he wouldn't be mine. Bard's embrace enforces that I didn't have a place when it came to Sebastian's heart. I just have to try to live with that reality.